Prelude

I feel particularly poised for the future like I never had been before.

Living alone is WONDERFUL. I don't think I'll ever do the roommate carousel again. For the first time in my life, I am not finding myself compromised by obligations and needing to navigate through another's emotional weather.

I don't think I've had this much freedom ever. I had no idea how much noise there was until I met with my silence. It's not that I don't like sharing space but it's refreshing to not hear the various drones that had filled my days in the past.... They are all normal "white noise" that has its own comfort level.

"Did you eat yet?" "You should get some sleep." "Are you doing anything?" "When will you be home?" "What are you doing this weekend?" "Can I borrow this?" "Let me tell you about how today was the worst day of my life!" "Let me tell you about this new guy at work..." "Let me tell you about..." yada yada

I am not as patient as other people who enjoy the questions and daily ritual of soap dramas in living color at home. My metronome setting is moderato though I enjoy episodes of adagio and presto. I'm finally free to sit with my own thoughts and rhythm and I like it. I'm not finding myself uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm happy as I've always been and learned that I've been stretching myself in being a source for others.

Tomorrow I am hosting a party with a handful of close friends. I've traditionally thrown big parties in the past. It makes sense that I begin my year with my round table... my royal court...

My kingdom is poised for a good season of strategy and good fortune.

This time to myself that I've been enjoying is just the prelude. I'm looking forward to an exciting 2007.

JNET

Keying Up For The Future

It can be tempting to indulge in frustration.

I sat with my injured leg today and felt like a clipped little bird. My thoughts were trying to have a go at me. With the close of the year coming up, the last thing I want to usher into the new year is an attitude of disappointment.

I decided to read my blog and see where I have been the past two Decembers and cheered myself up. In 2004, I fell in love and fought against being consumed by it. Not being ready to build a serious relationship with another, I was inspired to build a better relationship with myself.

By my sweet catalyst, I became more aware of toxic friendships that were compromising me. In admiring someone special and being honored by him, I became acutely aware of the relationships around me that were taxing me and becoming more agitated as my attentions found peace in enjoying my affections. My true friends rose in support and compassion.

2005, I threw myself into new projects, joined a dance company, took on a coach to help me with my technique in classical piano and wrote more to find my voice. I passed on playing house with my handsome muse. I was not complete with my experience of independence and felt that I would lose my identity in a relationship.

I decided to take on a roommate instead and found that the compromise of personalities wasn't worth having half the rent shared. I managed to keep my independence and my identity but felt like I was going out of my mind living with a person who would say anything to live in my apartment (while sober). We were two different creatures but I learned that I was able to always assert myself in challenging situations. 2006 was a difficult year of growing pains.

I learned that I was ready to drop the roommate dice and play at living with only myself.

I am now more ready to take on the "relationship" conversation. I am no longer concerned that I will lose my independence nor individuality... after having to be strong and maintain myself graciously and with integrity in a roommate situation.

If it is possible to be loving in a relationship where I have no dreams of a future, then I can handle being loving to someone that I really want to build a future with.

I hadn't been living in limbo going nowhere these past couple of years. I've been practicing and I've been creating the necessary clearing I need for a successful and healthful future.

2007 is going to be very exciting for me.

Each year, I find new keys for creating my future. I have no regrets though I miss my muse very much having put him in the background of life to do my life. He likewise, has disappeared into his studies; a Phd in musicology and a master's in math theories keep him busy. Somehow, I believe one of the keys in my future will bring me back to the conversation he and I shelved.

I wouldn't be here without him. He's always been my "why" along these adventures of mine.

JNET

Walking Past the Illusion

The phone rang late last night. A friend was in distress...

In walking through with him and his challenge, the conversation began to swirl around my belief that all things natually lean toward wholeness but sometimes we project ourselves in such a way to negate the inclination.

"Your spine wishing to fuse to your hip bone seems quite surreal, JC. Broken bones heal but unbroken bones acting outside of character tells me that something in not aligned. Perhaps you've been more stationary than ever and your body is trying to accomodate and evolve with a new way of being... thing is, your moving is creating a conflict..."

And my friend's distraction into his pain is not helping his condition. He's panicking. He's 25 and was seeing a future of back surgeries and pain... something that needed to be nipped from his mind.

"JC, you've heard that your body responds to your moods. Are you open to looking into ways you can be a bit more proactive in taking care of yourself? (JC says "yes")... Can you see that your vision of your future, if continually negative, won't allow you to get well?"

"I'm praying so much about this JNET..."

"That's good. Let me help you by sharing how I pray... I THANK God as if everything has ALREADY happened... Thank you, God for the speedy recovery. I am so happy to be designed in such a marvelous way to feel healthy now. I am enjoying doing my martial arts and I'm enjoying taking yoga.... etc... JC, you're going to have to train your body to believe in being well and whole and demand that your body agree with you. It's not going to be easy. The pain will want to distract you."

"I KNOW."

"But you can't be lazy and let your body win. You'll have to keep suggesting to yourself what you ultimately want of yourself."

And so JC was able to go to sleep with some peace of mind and a resolution to take his own thoughts into account...

The conversation did not end there for me... I reviewed some of my own conflicts and came to a response from my "Salt Shaker" entry...

This came in from a stumbler friend:

"If you have a lovely relationship with yourself, that's a gift. It is something you have found, sharing it with another is found in developing a new relationship. .... It doesn't mean you have to give up on yourself; or that you have to be everything for him."

AND I HAD TO WONDER.... perhaps I do glorify my solitude and haven't came up with a clear vision how to consider sharing myself with someone.

I do have a vision. But it is in conflict with some other things that seem to flavor my life with. I would like a boyfriend but haven't met yet a sane single guy that is happy with their life and is looking at sharing it. I keep meeting guys who are already boyfriends to someone else. And the single guys I meet are not happy.

In talking with JC, I wondered if I was a clearing for unavailable guys and single unhappy men. It is what keeps showing up. I found that I needed to get clear of what I'm looking for and distance myself from the "pain"..

Funny, how life comes up with a lesson when you're busy helping someone...

I'm going to start imagining building a wonderful friendship that is happy, romantic, independent and interdependent that's going to develop as beautiful as a dance or a symphony... free from creating sadness in anyone rather... capable of inspiring many... and ever evolving into deeper and profound love....

How's that for a beginning in being specific???

JNET

SS: Salt Shakers

That is what I call "couples"... salt shakers. They come in charming, matching pairs.

I've been practicing stepping out of my solitude. I'm rarely found as "half of a set" and I dread the thought of myself being a shaker.

With an identity so ingrained in being the flower vase or maybe the solo art piece that's never had to share a spotlight but delighted in the individual installations around me, I have serious thoughts that I am designed to be a solo persona. My friends and family would go in a bit of shock if I should ever appear with a special someone. My patience and curiousity to go beyond the ascetic life is so "un-shakerish."

But I am searching for a balance and the right medium that expresses myself in a complementary way. And so comes in Mr. B who's been sweetly trying to tango with me and despite my protests and steps to reiterate myself to him, he seems to take my waves with a certain grace.

I don't know if I am going to last. I keep everyone at the periphery and rather enjoy company with myself than want to join the masses at the movies or restaurants. Mr. B's best friend's enthusiasm for the ritualistic double date is making me nervous. I don't want to relinquish myself into becoming a salt shaker.

I have a very patient suitor though who is amused by the odd courtship he must endure to get to know me in friendship. He has been in my circle of friends for several years... but most of them he focused on his career and not knowing me. After a two year sabbatical he's returned to creating a social life and he thought of me. He's also wishing to create a balance in his life. And so I've decided to practice sharing a tiny bit of myself as well as he.

I prefer yet... myself.

It's very unsettling to share. I don't know if I ought to cry. I feel nothing and he is fine with my nothingness in our conversations. I'm an interesting puzzle for him. I see a gulf between us and he sees something else. In this space of discomfort I am trying to get clear with myself to show up in honest bravery despite all my fears or discern that building with the incongruities I see will only make for an inauthentic friendship.

Until then...we are having a lot of conversations... silliness and friendship.... learning about each other platonically and seeing where to go from there. It is refreshing and not complicated... something that is rare to me.

JNET

An Occupying Obsession

I don't know how to define my love for words. As a musician, I also have a romance for notes. But my love for words followed me through music school where I journaled daily and manifested little futures that became marked with little stars as my wishes came true.

I'm under a spell... if I could live on music and writing and never have to eat or sleep, except for pure pleasure and not necessity.. What would life be like? Can I write a concerto with words? A part of me scoffs at the idea of gracing myself across libraries...

Isn't LIFE itself the great symphony? A part of me thinks of Mendellson, Bach.... Beethoven especially... pouring their souls into their work because their essence demanded the freedom to be expressed. And what their souls created couldn't be contained within the four walls of their private worlds... IT breathed its existence beyond... where libraries only TRY to contain them...

Could we all live like that? Be so free and expanded that libraries celebrate you by holding onto a remnant of you that breathes yet beyond their walls..

JNET

Unwinding

I came home and made myself a martini. Actually, I couldn't stand so little vodka take up so much space and in the spirit of cleaning... I made myself a martini... to enjoy while scrubbing the stove and counter.

Hey, a girl has to have fun.

Mr. B has been so good at saying hello and wanting to make plans that I have the strongest impulse to make a run for it.

I feel like a deer in the woods.

Mystic has been calling more than usual as well. Is the universe kidding around with me? Mystic had disappeared into his work for awhile to rehearse his group Soul of Anatolia and called to tell me to listen to him speak and perform on Pacific Radio (90.7) It was nice to hear him sing and play with his group. I know it brings him great happiness.

I wonder what the universe has planned for me... I'm intrigued and excited. I am only expecting wonderful things.

I am questioning my fears with each day, welcoming the challenging conversations that come my way. Aware that I am a bit unconventional, I'm trying to be sensitive not to be reckless with people's hearts as I drive forward to my personal actualizations. It's a bittersweet and profound road. Full of beauty, art, music, intention woven into purpose that there are no small talks between the worlds of personalities. Impatience and divine patience creates an interesting dynamic.

Even my waking moments are colliding into my dream world. I am having the most sleep I've ever had in years yet I feel like I get no rest and still I don't feel tired.

I am unwinding; unraveling myself... in process of revealing myself.

JNET

Making Up For Lost Time

It's been over 2 years and I was in the middle of a board game just about to free myself from the rat race of Cashflow when the phone call came.

I let it go to voice mail. But he didn't leave a message. I called him back the following day...

"I've missed you."

How surreal. He's lived 20 minutes away in Beverly Hills all this time and finally got his head out of his work. He was proud of himself and his accomplishments though. I had forgotten what had charmed me so much about him though. But he showed up after a 2 year disappearance, all smiles and cheer. His conversation through the evening was a bit adventurous and unexpected.

Having passed the board game litmus test, gracefully handling refusal as distinct from rejection; he listened though I know I frustrated the heck out of him.

"Go away if you want Paris Hilton. Los Angeles has a bounty of gorgeous women that will not refuse you."

"Wow. You're interesting. I like that about you. I'm going to marry you."

"You're thinking a bit ahead of yourself. So you want to be one of my suitors..."

It was an interesting evening. If he can call out of the blue after more than two years and act like not a day has passed by, I am interested in seeing what will happen after the mathematician calls...that kind of time hasn't lapsed between us.

Meanwhile, Mr. Beverly Hills says he wants to make up for lost time.

"Let's go to an opera. I haven't been to a music hall in so long.. Want to be my opera buddy?"

"Sure... I can be your "opera buddy."

Let's see if he'll wait another two years to become opera buddies.... haha

JNET

Playing With Dolls

I have ambivalent feelings about playing with dolls. When I was little, I was afraid of them especially the ones with the eyes that open and close. It was easier to play with stuffed animals. I didn't have to think of personalities for them ALL the time. They can simply be themselves; soft, cute and quiet.

But a doll... hmmm. That is like playing with a dead person and having to give life to them all the time. If I couldn't think of thoughts for them, I'd worry that they are thinking about me. I would lock up the few dolls that I had (just a few... 2 or 3) and put them in the far side of my closet.

They are STILL THERE at my mother's house. I am not afraid of them anymore. But it was funny to open my closet last Thanksgiving weekend and see them there as I had left them... (kind of with mom's storage stuff squeezed in with them)

I digress... Anyway, sometimes I wonder if playing with dolls though capable of fostering social skills in play time can grow unhealthy social skills. I WONDER if that is why guys complain that they feel like girls are always PLAYING GAMES with them.

Perhaps GUYS are just a SOPHISTICATED DOLL that sometimes goes TERRIBLY WRONG in some girl's play world (except they are still growing up.... like EVERYONE)... They just have a doll handicap.

"Why do you have to BE THAT WAY!" (naughty doll) "Now be quiet and drink the tea and enjoy the tea party that I made for you." (naughty doll) "And play nice." (naughty doll)

It can be demanding to a little girl to carry on the doll imaginary world. The dolls might attack when you're sleeping so you created a world where everything went your way.

Stuffed animals are the way to go. I have a diverse and happy world of cuddlies; a baby moose, a panda, a swan, a bunny.. You got the picture? I was practicing for world peace before I was aware what world peace was.

It was easy for me to accept them and I knew that if I left them alone with each other, it would always look like they are enjoying themselves and NOT TALKING SMACK about me (like dolls when they gather without the little girl.)

Now I'm curious.... if a guys plays weird games with me... can I suspect that he played with dolls when he was little? Some guys like to impose their personalities on me and sometimes INSIST that they know my own thoughts BETTER than me. I sometimes feel like a prop instead of a person. Why must they have such a surprised look when I speak?

Yes... I have movable arms, legs, and hips but I don't have a string to pull to say predictable programmed words to build your esteem on demand.

Perhaps he too needs to get complete with that inner child...

Dolls or stuffed animals????

JNET

A Little Turbulence But Still Okay

After a bit of a bumpy week of unexpected expenses and not having my cell phone. I must say that I'm still very happy because there's really no personal drama in regards to friendships, relationships, etc. My arena of human interactions is running smoothly though I did deal with putting up higher barricades from unwanted male attentions and putting my thoughts on the table about a wishy washy friendship that was frustrating me.

Life goes on.

The squirrel and mouse that wrecked havoc in my garden outside my bedroom patio doors are no longer keeping me restlessly up nor eating my plants anymore.... thanks to a little device that makes funny chirping noises from mom.

My brother gave me a "new" computer so I can continue writing while my laptop is at the geek squad's care for maintenance. How very sweet of him! And mom has chilled out from her "you should date and get married" speeches. Thank God!

My car had some minor work today which was done for FREE ... AND they gave me a superb discount on parts. I'm taking my car in for body repair FINALLY after getting dinged in the spring.

And I gained 4 new students this week... one returning after a bit of a break and a doctor, his wife and child wish to begin studying with me as soon as I can clear a suitable place in my schedule to accomodate them.

Meanwhile, I also memorized 5 1/2 out of 6 pages of the Chopin waltz I've been working on these past couple of weeks. I'm digging out Debussy's Arabesque #1 and want to work on Petite Suite for the new year.

Christmas music just doesn't appeal to me. I only play it with my students as I encourage them with their Santa letters. I also have a few students celebrating Chanukkah working on Dreyll Song.

The season suits me best in being left alone as I work on closing my year smoothly and wish to begin the year with positivity and focus.

Bah humbug? Not at all. It is a good time of the year to feel jolly without an artificial fix.

JNET

I Am Uncompromising

COMPROMISE:

1. a settlement of differences reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification of demands.

2. the result of such a settlement.

3. an endangering, esp. of reputation; exposure to danger, suspicion, etc.: a compromise of one's integrity.

4. to expose or make vulnerable to danger, suspicion, scandal, etc.; jeopardize

5. to make a dishonorable or shameful concession

**************************

My friend gave me an interesting paradigm yesterday...

LOVE IS ABOUT MAKING COMPROMISES

I told him that I couldn't align myself with such as way of thinking. How terrible. Looking at the definitions alone would make two lovers like opponents. It seems like a sure way to create an environment for a war of control dynamics and a sure clearing for failure.

"LOVE IS ABOUT COMPROMISE" is one way to choose to go about relating. Surely there are others. I offered my friend another perspective and an analogy.

What about...

LOVE IS ABOUT CONTRIBUTION? Say like a donation? Contribute 5 if that is what you have or 500 if you are in such a position? What matters is that you showed up freely and that you are supportive making a stand for the same cause... LOVE.

To be shamed into love, made wrong in order to inspire love, seems backwards to me. What can one profit from such intention by creating a sense of loss to gain?

I offer my paradigm... love is a nonprofit endeavor and joyful over all contribution whether it's a quarter or a quarter of a million.

Something to play with.

JNET

Thinking Out of Fear or Love?

The holidays has a strange way of agitating emotions and actions. I've been getting splashed during some interactions. I've been "should'ed" upon these past couple of weeks and goaded upon for being "afraid" when it comes to the game of love.

I know it is simply the pressure of programming, conditioning and tradition that is weighing people's minds as the holidays come up. Childhoods of parties and hugs generating expectations into adulthood. I think people get haunted during this season by their memories and expectations.

Are you being haunted? Living with thoughts that one's life is especially "wrong" during the holidays is to drink hard poison and letting ghosts possess you.

I'm looking forward to the holidays to see my family. My brothers have just started their families this year. Watching them fills me with awe. They are celebrating their journey of life having finally found love and building their kingdoms.

But I'm also looking forward to having free time to be with myself to plan out my goals for the new year. Of course falling in love is a goal but it stands lower than other goals. Love is different and can't be planned for timelines. That's why it FAILS. Miracles can't be planned. I can only be happy with myself and be open.

And being OPEN doesn't entail being inauthentic, going through the motions of relationship in hopes that if you fake it you'll make it.

It's the season where I am seeing people get possessed by ghosts and expectations of their past. Just because there will be gift exchanges doesn't justify being reckless with anyone's hearts.

It's a time to celebrate new life, renewal... your life, your soul deemed worthy by heavenly love... not earthly love.

Please don't should on anyone... especially yourself. Happy Thanksgiving.

JNET

I'm The Pink Sheep of the Family

I'll be riding a lull until after the new year. My teaching schedule for the next month hopefully won't be too spotty. I finally have free time to get my car fixed. (I got a ding last spring and finally received a check from the insurance people a couple of weeks ago.) Where to begin to have a personal life? Car, laundry, going through the paper pile? Sleep, eat, nap?

Meanwhile, family obligations landing in the space of long-awaited free time is giving me a sense of pre-claustophobia.

I woke up today again to a troublesome neck. I drive down to San Diego tomorrow after completing my last lesson for the evening at 8pm. I can already hear the lecture that I should stop working so hard and date...

And conform to social ritual, go shopping, dress up for banal conversation in a stupid search that ends with me never writing again or playing the piano so that I may live to do someone's laundry, cooking and cleaning, checking homework, fevers, and humoring attentions 24/7.

Some girls want that and sometimes fight tooth and nail to dissolve their identities in someone else's needs. I'm not that girl.

I am a traitor to span courtship at a mind-boggling pace while my counterparts want to race to the chapel.

I don't think I'm jaded because I enjoy a family where everyone loves married life and is actually ENJOYING it. I am taking my time to other's dismay but not mine. It is both ridiculous and sometimes stressful.

Until cupid strikes me down, I will continue being the pink sheep of the family... enjoying being myself and being with myself.

JNET

Horrorfestivities

I tagged along with friends to do the Horrorfest thing. I have never in such a small course of time placed myself in so many hours of horror movie watching. Thank God I didn't pass out. I enjoyed watching my friends in their own little piece of heaven. A couple of them are aspiring writers of the genre.

"JNET, you have to drop everything, cancel everything and come out with us!"

I don't bump into that type of enthusiasm everyday. I got curious.

"What's the story? I'm between students right now. What? You want me join you where? But I look like a pre-school teacher right now!"

Horror fans across the country united for an indie horror weekend. You've seen the posters and banners. I've been following the Miss Horrorfest stuff. There was an Asian girl that looked like my cousin who did a pretty cool J-horror short.

I got to meet her, Chieko, at Cinescene, the party event for horror fans. She was sweet but she didn't win the crown. I told her she was cool and liked her work and she gave me a hug and said that meant a lot to her. Darn, I really wanted her to win and felt sad with her.

Anyway, I lost one of my friends and he ended up doing shots with Jennifer Alba. I spoke briefly with the writer for Unrest, Chris and I chatted with a guy named Axel who said he was friends of the "cadaver" of Unrest.

I had changed my clothes from the teacher look and went casual but probably stood out somewhat from the hardcore horror fans who were wearing ALL BLACK with funky accessories (devil's horns). One girl was almost naked except for the cobweb fishnet covering she wore. My guy friends enjoyed looking at her very much. One very odd detail that I noticed was that MOST the guys were SHORT (except my friends)! What's up with that? The genre attracts guys guys under 5'5"? I felt tall in the crowd and I'm a petite little thing :)

Anyway, it was fun. The movie experience was fun. I got my blood and heart pumping.

Does that mean I got my cardio exercise down for the weekend then?

JNET

This Dreamworld Called Life

"Not all who wander are lost." J. R. R. Tolkien

For some, they paint their lives with drama and brushes of strife, playing the jester of chaos but missing the humor of their own doing. Others make life like a candy store of goodies and want to try everything without restraint, dealing with the cavities or crying about the rot and pain later on.

Me? JNET is in wonderland, of course, attending to mad tea parties and sitting with wise caterpillars.

WHOOO ARE YOOOUUU???

JNET

Nightmare

All this talk about dating and relationships has done my head in.

I didn't mind letting the door be a bit more open for the conversaton. I enjoyed conversation about being open to possibility but the other talks that made me feel like a peg on the row of conformity made me feel ill at ease.

Instead of feeling open to a miracle, I feel something else awful.

And so I had a nightmare last night in which a guy wanted to offer me a neck massage while I carried on a casual conversation with friends. Next thing I noticed he was fiddling with my hair and that's when I stopped him from branding his initials into my head. He didn't get to finish and I was furious that he never considered how his actions would affect my life.

I just remember being upset pulling away from him telling him that I can't be seen branded like some animal. I couldn't dance or perform or teach with such an inconsideration placed upon me. And he didn't understand that I was unhappy.

It was awful.

It IS going to take a MIRACLE for me to fall in love.

JNET

Cupid's Crooked Arrow

"I'm getting married next year." I've began announcing to my friends recently. What follows that happy statement is a round of hugs and beaming smiles as well as the standard CONGRATULATIONS.

My friends and I have been enjoying a good laugh over it. You see, I don't even have what constitutes as a regular boyfriend. I adore my solitude and independence too much to participate regularly in social rituals such as dating. I also keep entertaining thoughts to take on holy orders but what keeps me from making that decision is that I think a broader spiritual life can be had outside the structure and security of a religious community.

The ascetic life appeals to me but after a year of attending to friends weddings and watching both my brothers start their families, I've been given a very joyful window to observe a possibility of spirituality in the space of TWO.

Can two independent minds and hearts combine without imposing identity and ego over another? That's a language I'd like to discover. If it exists.

I've managed to spurn cupid's arrow thus far. A part of me thinks cupid won't leave me alone and is gaining distance. It's a bit unnerving. I might as well start announcing my wedding plans.

JNET

Solitude Feels Like A Cozy Rainy Day

It's mid-November and the weather has been gorgeous. I've been driving with the convertible top down. It's been an interesting week. Every week seems to go that way. What's up for next week? Tons, as usual.

I learned a new dance today that I'll obsess over the week and practice at home. I revisited a Chopin waltz I haven't touched since high school that I think I'll work on memorizing as well as enjoyed spending time with Beethoven's Presto Third movement to his Moonlight Sonata.

I've been busy running around for commitments and though the weather is gorgeous outside, I've enjoyed getting into my pajamas first thing, turning off the phones, and sitting still with myself and reflect upon the week.

I was a bit disappointed this week not making it to "God's Gate" with neural jetskis. I didn't get to see "the tunnel of light," have an NDE, or a conversation with luminous beings. But I felt happy and clear-minded. Perhaps spiritual revelation doesn't have to look like having the doors blasted down. I feel mine, in general, come about like pushing aside gossamer curtains. Every day, I experience quiet liberations.

The challenges within musical compositions, dance choreography, a diverse assortment of friends, and engaging conversations provide space for "altered states" in just dealing with the variety and navigating with grace. Life is my mind trip. If you want intense, be PRESENT... everything IS blissfully beautiful within the clearing.

Still, I look forward to meeting different thinkers and learn what experience they gain from putting on neural jetskis.

My friend is filming a documentary on spirituality and altered states. Some people can get to that space through meditation; the paths are many. I'm fascinated by the possibility of so many interesting conversations and people he'll come across.

Here's their contact email if you're interested in the project: info@klm-creative.com

JNET

Neural Jetskis: Maybe I don't Have the SPIRIT In Me

"I could never do any sort of drug... even if it's legal..."

Me, the girl that doesn't even drink coffee, smoke cigarettes and classifies all candy and cakes as simply SUGAR... didn't have the same judgements as my friend. He explained that being from Europe, he couldn't have anything on him that might serve as an excuse to deport him or not hire him for work.

"If people want you, they'll want you. If they don't, they'll want to find an excuse to tell you."

"Well, I don't want to have an excuse available!"

All I could think of during that drive to work was that a life dictated by fear of other's people's opinions even the ones we love is paralyzing... not only in action by also in thought.

The world is full of diverse folks and I've had my interactions with some different groups. I guess you can say I'm a social tourist. It's made my life much richer to simply visit. I don't care about stimulating my brain for highs whether through caffeine, sugar, or shamanic legal plants. I have music and other natural ways to send me to bliss.

You can learn a lot by walking in another's shoes and so I am curious when an opportunity to take on another view and perspective is presented. I'm a thinker, an analyzer, who likes to to learn about the mind and I'm not afraid to question my own thoughts and systems. I am open to modify the paradigm I have and gain perspectives that are empowering.

The shamanic paths or the fascination of altered states that eludes certain people interest me. I think I have a healthy skepticism and I was disappointed that I didn't have a "spiritual" experience. I felt like I went to church and didn't get "filled with the holy spirit" as all the believers postulated would happen. I had to wonder if such experiences are somewhat ego driven.

I was never designed as an emotional sort. I'm the girl who passes the bandwagon and says I'm happy to walk. I was open to the possibility of having something incredible to write about but alas.. that was not the case.

And so this is what my skepticism asks about this neural rollercoasting railway...

Is there really a god experience to be had? OR, does the experience of "meeting god" come about because the seeker needs that kind of confirmation and has requested it?

I don't think the vehicle which people use to take themselves there really matters. Feeling happy in the space of choosing boredom, sadness, happiness or whatever you choose out of your emotional vocabulary is a choice.

If the path one chooses works and helps one to be a functioning happy fully expressed human being then I say good. If it creates disconnect and distraction, then I think some further thought would be useful.

When the conversation turns into.. this is the best way... this is the sure way... the tools for living get sold off and turned into mere status symbols (religions, social positions, luxuries) These privileges and tools that a rational mind can play with become icons that are shells with the life taken out of them.... creating bizarre and sad results.

I feel happy with my choice to check out a piece of the unknown. The most important thing that impressed upon me was that I really felt free and that I live freely.

Free from paralyzing fears of the unknown, of what's in my head and especially of others opinions. What is living honestly if you can't even allow yourself to be brave when you want to face fear mindfully?

I think living in fear is to live out of your mind. Isn't that a bit... insane?

JNET

Neural Jetskis: A Few Notes on Wonderland

Visiting wonderland is not so scary.

"Are you afraid of anything?"

Fear, that's an interesting thought. It's an irrational game to entertain and torture one's thoughts over or to amuse oneself with in egotistical glory.

"Fear is reactive. I can't say that I sit with that one much. Perhaps I'll have a passing thought that might qualify fear, but I tend to analyze my thoughts and make a choice from there. Fear doesn't make choices... it just acts."

I lean towards indifference.

I wasn't afraid playing with the possibility of visiting a new dimension with the aid of a neural stimulus. Would my friends and family think ill of me? No. I'm known to be unconventional but I am also respected.

"What do you hope to find on the other side?" I was asked.

"If I was to find any sort of entity to communicate with, I think I'd find myself... my higher self from the future that creates my life with me in the present. As for answers for insights.... I'd like to learn about my "origins" and connect to a spiritual history. I'd also thank the higher self for its intention and power in my present NOW and I'd ask if there was anything particular I can pay attention to for a powerful path into my future."

I was ready for any experience that might glean some wisdom. I felt safe, strange enough with all the lighting and cameras on me. I also had two friends that I trusted my life with... and I had done quite a bit of conversations and research to pave an educated journey.

Did anything happen at all?

Yes. Within the first 2 minutes I was whisked into a neural roller coaster of cascading color and spiraling motion. My thoughts were interrupted with questions to myself. Why am I here again? What did I just take?

I felt silly that I had forgotten. The neural fireworks didn't last long and I sat up asking if I might have another dose. I closed my eyes again and found myself caught up in the motions of molecules. The blue waves of the first session was followed by beads of reds, whites and pinks breathing like a science model in motion.

For whatever reason there are for it, that is what I saw for a few moments with my eyes closed. I had the physical sensation of a restful rush if that makes sense and then there was the sounds of reality to humble me back to the present.

Most of the time, I quietly laid like "sleeping beauty" and woke refreshed to get on with my day. It was easy to walk away from this atypical moment.

I do not return with fanciful spiritual lessons from conversations with heavenly entities. I wonder if such experiences are purely ego expressions to wow an audience with. I learned that there is nothing to fear even within the space of confusion.

My thoughts had an amusing run that met with silence dotted with the sounds of the little boys that live downstairs, the old man walking above and the laundry dryer signaling the end of its cycle in the building across from me.

Life goes on despite this spiritual being's quest in exploring the human experience.

I was a bit disappointed that I didn't have something more to share. But the "healing" qualities did kick in. If you might recall earlier this week I complained of not feeling well, my neck had a kink that I couldnt' sort out. Several friends tried giving me massages over the week after I had complained that I felt out of sorts and that I hurt through to my wrists. I hadn't played the piano much this week on account of my discomfort.

I can't say that I feel out of sorts anymore. I actually feel a lot better and well rested and ready to happily practice again.

JNET

If you are interested in this project on spirituality and altered states and want to share your take on your reality. Contact me.

Neural Jetskis: Wrap Your Mind Around This

I said yes.

Tomorrow morning we're filming ME.

Maybe it's because I look like a Sunday school teacher. Maybe it's because I may have a novel opinion. Maybe it's because I'm not afraid.

I said YES to being filmed taking on a psychedelic (NOT ADDICTIVE, non EUPHORIC) natural and LEGAL herb tomorrow. So I'm going to splash around my head tomorrow using neural jetskis. And I hope to have an experience worthy to articulate. Part of me worries that absolutely nothing will happen but I suppose the mere fact that I am open to any possibility as long as I'm not in danger is a conversation anyway.

It's not a party substance. It's a go journey in your head and be open to the unknown challenge. Am I afraid of my own thoughts and what might be kicking around in my noggin? Absolutely not. I actually feel quite stable with life and my thoughts that I wonder if it might be a nonevent.

I wonder.... if the psychedelic experience is really the neurosis of people's insecurities or perhaps the exploration of a nurtured imagination. Can I direct my experience solely with my intention?

I'll be sure to take lots of vitamins and juice before the cameraman arrives... Wish me luck:)

JNET

Where Do You Live? In My Head.

A part of me feels like a ghost in this world, living in another dimension occasionally interacting with the living world. I have affectionate though unattached sentiments with each passing moment.

And yet I feel intensely alive and bliss is my private joy stolen in the fleeting seconds between here and there; an awareness to respond to this gift of life I've been given.

Mendelsson moved me to tears every day last week at the genuis of expressing emotions between glorious and tragic in an awe-inspiring way.....And then a part of me was reminded to compose myself like a symphony. I am the artist, the composer and I am the blank page, the blank canvas. I become the possibility of any note and cadence and the human experience dances with the divine.

Can I make tension and dissonance beautiful and worthy of a more lingering expansion of phrasing in this experience called life? Can I create graceful transitions between key, tempo and time changes?

The fun puzzles I amuse myself with... living in my head.

Maestro JNET

Rebirth through Death

"I didn't realize I loved her. Somehow, I'm surprised how sad I am."

G didn't make it to the wedding yesterday to perform and be my dance partner at my best friend's wedding. He called 10 in the morning to say that a close friend had passed away. Her brother had requested that G stay with her until the coroner arrived.

The show went well and another dancer stepped in to replace G. Our performance group felt a tinge of sadness coloring a champange day.

"It's good that you were available for her and her family yesterday."

"I didn't know I would feel THIS SAD." G told me surprised by a flood of emotions. "I didn't know I had feelings for her."

I felt the same way when my neighbor passed away. She always talked to me and I knew a lot about her life and what made her happy and sad just in passing conversations; conversations that got tucked into my memory bank. It wasn't until after she died that I was present to the fact that she wasn't just a neighbor. I was given a new appreciation for life with her passing.

"I guess I didn't know I could feel so much." G repeated.

"You've found that you are a lot deeper than you allowed yourself to be."

G sits at home mourning his loss... a bit bewildered to a world of emotion that he didn't have access to until yesterday.

I only had 15 minutes to catch up with him today. But I think he'll be fine.

Love is a choice and like water it always finds a space. No corner is impermeable. G woke up this morning to find that despite a veneer he thought he had, he found a hidden corner deep inside of him. And there he found his friend.

JNET

On the Path of Sharing

"What do you think of me moving in to be your roommate?"

Mystic has mentioned moving in in various ways for several months now. At first he played the "lonely" card...

"You're going to be lonely when AM moves out. You'll miss having a roommate and get lonesome..."

I'm the last person on the planet that I can imagine being "lonely."

Mystic played another card, the fear of financial responsiblity one...

"That's a lot of rent to pay all by yourself. It's going to be very difficult. Maybe you should move somewhere else smaller and pay less rent..."

But I feel sane and creative where I am. Why disrupt my life with that kind of transition? And my place is finally all painted and art-ed out with my full signature all over it. I love it. "I'll get more students then. I'll figure it out." I countered.

A new card he's playing is the convenience one... It is the most "romantic" one he's dealt thus far :)

"You're too busy and I'm working sometimes 60+ hours a week, if I was your roommate, you'll see me more often."

"I only see you lately when you need someone to write up something for your clients or you want me to help you out with your music."

I told Mystic that I was tired by the end of the day and his visits usually meant more work than hanging out.

"But if you're my friend that you'll care about my business."

"Of course I care, but it would be nice if we could take a hike or go to lunch and do more fun friendly stuff rather than work. If you want to hang here and use my computer, fine... But I may want to continue my practice on the piano and don't want to feel obliged to carry on a conversation with you."

M looked at me and gave me a strange questioning look. And I had to wonder... Am I being totally unfeminine here? Shouldn't I have more "save me, save me" in my repetoire? The last girl he dated was begging to be married to him. Me? I don't think he's as kind as the many platonic friendships I have with other guys. We barely know each other. And though I see he's doing his best despite his own crazy schedule, I don't warrant our status as ready for moving in and breaking up my happy solitude. We have some communication skills to practice yet... and become better friends.

I'd sooner have one of my other guys friends move in to help me with rent. I'd rather have the mathematician and play house with him. Mystic is still too new in my life and his "helpfulness" wasn't solicited.

He's still learning about me. He keeps forgetting that I don't drink coffee though I may make Turkish coffee every blue moon. He keeps forgetting that I don't like my thoughts disrupted as he likes to talk while I'm practicing the piano.

Instead of getting to know me and hearing my thoughts in an organic way to learn my rhythm, Mystic's been on a trend of saying what he thinks my thoughts are. Lately, they are thoughts that are might lead me to second guess myself..

If I were a second guess sort of person.

Instead, I go in my head and wonder where the heck he comes up with his material sometimes. Between all the lines, he's saying he wants to live in my apartment and I guess I have something to do with it...

There has to be other paths besides appealing to my fears to negotiate that conversation....

I told him that I really wanted to live alone because I'm tired of the roommate mamba. I told him that I'm not afraid to go home alone and be with myself. I think it's more stressful paying half the rent and having to negotiate living with someone else.

I may be a bit of a cactus maybe. As much as I adored the mathematician when he put out the "let's live together" conversation, I balked as well. I really need to get complete with the independent thing.

Is it possible, I wonder... to be able to hear your own thoughts and yet be able to share your life with someone?

JNET

Happy Halloween 2006

If anyone asked me what I was today for Halloween, I would've told them a STOP sign. I wore a red sweater and dressed very cozy. I have been feeling under the weather and really wished I could stay home and read a book in bed all week.

I decided to disappear the best I could the past week and sit in silence every private moment I could find. And I literally sat with silence, passing all phone calls to voice mail, no piano... instead, I painted. A few walls in my house were screaming tired and ugly (maybe I was projecting myself) and so I went out and bought some "Celadon" for the base and "Athenian Green" to sponge on top of that.

I feel much better.

Tomorrow is a new month and I feel good starting it with a new look as I embark on my second month of "no more roommates." Coming home after my day is my new thrill.

Now if I can only shake my sniffle and the little chill that has me...

I have a dance performance this coming Saturday. One of my best friends from college is getting married and has booked my dance company to perform. I will be presenting a special dance for the nuptials... After Saturday, I'm looking forward to a bit more calm and time to be quiet.

I need to put naps back into my regime... Having a crazy schedule is so much easier to handle when a quiet time break can be figured in. My thinking has been a bit on the wobbly side. ick

JNET

Growing JNETSWORLD - 2 Years Old :)

JNETSWORLD officially turned 2 years old last week:)

What started out from a whim after googling for the definition of BLOG has grown into a journey of heart and soul, writing down thoughts of a solitary soul and finding kin-spirits along the way.

I wrote in secret for a year before telling anyone. And then I put the blog feed through my Friendster, later Tribe... Sometimes I copy a blog entry onto Myspace. And now JNETSWORLD has expanded onto Stumbleupon.

I guess I'm getting UNSHY :)

And I've gained so many friends and have been encouraged by their comments. I wanted to just share a few of my favorite reviews from my stumble community:)

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From APRILMUSE:

Jnetsworld is indeed a special place. I love my visits here because I so enjoy reading this woman's honest and intelligent commentary.

From GRYWLFMGRNS:

Jnet's blog is a wonderful reflection of the beauty within...great blog!

From SYNCOPATE:

I feel uncomfortable reading Jnet's pages sometimes. I feel like a voyeur. She tells us of her experiences with life in an intimate manner. She sheds layers of consciousness as one might shed one's clothes. Her desire: to transcend while staying well grounded(?) I could be wrong about that, though. I don't know. She invites you into her world literally (with a direct invitation) and metaphorically (through her photos, drawings, and prose). We learn that she plays Chopin. I wonder if she plays Liszt's "transcendental" etudes... If you are willing to challenge your "self," visit her page.

From GABRIEL2178:

Another fantastic example of a stumbler with a point of view who knows how to get it across. Fantastic photos and a real insight into a fantastic mind. A must for people looking for real people on the internet and in this stumble world.

From FRENCHTWIST:

Sweet and tangy glimpses into a lovely and intelligent mind.

From DORIANROLF:

Wonderful to find someone so willing to share their insight and originality. Truly intriguing and beautiful pages. Thank you, jnet.

From NAN:

What a delight it was to stop by the pages of jnetsworld!
She has shared some truly wonderful images, some truly marvelous quotes and poems, and to top that all off, she shares with us her thoughts, her rants, and her life. Truly this is a person who when you meet, you just know, would be a friend for life, and an enjoyable one at that.

From NEEON:

crystalline commentary. like breathing mountain aire.

From POWDERMILKMAN:

This blog swims, screams, dances and prods. Sometimes all at the same time. Fun, interesting, lovely and provocative stuff herein. Links to great art sites, NPPA.org and Powdermilkman's colleague David Putney.
I raise my glass of powdermilk in a toast... Cheers!

From YOLA:

I'm thrilled to be a mutual friend of one so brilliantly expressive. As JNET discovers whats important and blogs about it, a glorious fusion of purity, tranquility and integrity shines forth from her most worthy page: the importance of shunning all shallowness in relationships, the things of beauty that cause her to experience bliss, the indispensable time for solitude, in her existence. This stumbler's site is a journal. A "Note To Self", that she's so graciously shares. Call it "Wisdom Nuggets To Go", if you will. It's JNET's World. We are welcomed to it.

From EONWARD:

here is a fully engaged person doing everything she can to live life deeply, fully, truly, and on the cutting edge- of awareness. although she is sensitive she refuses to give in to despair, and seeks her own connection to god in a culture that often seems to offer only the alternatives of religious fundamentalism, secular nihilism, or watered-down new age cliches. she, wisely, is finding and tending to her personal boundaries while exploring and expanding, and is able to notice when she goes far enough off course-side trips are an inevitability, and often beneficial- and navigate back to where she needs to be. i also personally appreciate the fact that she allows music to be a touchstone, and especially appreciate her connection to the kind of music i love. i salute her and would add that, while the type of journey she is taking is often painful, my personal belief is that it is the most rewarding of all journeys, and thank her for sharing some her own personal journey on su.

From BLEEM-FILK:

...lissen, if California ever slides into the Pacific, along with Schwarzenneger... ...as long as this gurl survives, I won't care!!! ...cuz, she's the coolest product there outside of sun-kissed raisins and wine (check it!)

From HROTHGARRR:

I /wish/ she was the girl next door!

From ACECOOL:

This is one interesting and passionate woman

From 9LIVES3DOWN:

What a beautiful person is projected in these pages. Her thoughts combined with the images are the recipe for calm. Her respect for others is humbling.

From SOOPERGRAPE:

Looks, personality, and string theory too! What's not to like? I have updated information from a special agent in L.A.! He was guided by remote control here at SG Central to an intercept with JNET and has submitted the following report: "Thanks for introducing me to the first really cool person I've met since I got to LA!"

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It's still a bit of a strange thrill and I'm very happy that I write in a way that speaks to people. I write to process daily life, choosing the meaning that would help me create and manifest a future that I want. I want to write to capture the beauty of life as well as the beauty of tradegy in a way that the photographers, artists and musicians I admire capture passion within notes, brushstrokes and framed shots.

I write from that place of strength that everyone has inside of them. That little voice that IS on your side that argues with the OTHER voice and is destined by freedom to win. When I feel confused or frustrated, I go to that space and find that creating the habit of healthier and happier thinking makes for a more mindful and peaceful path.

Here's to keeping life real.... without falling into the illusions of fear.

JNET

The Pretense of Poverty

OSTENTATIOUS: characterized by or given to pretentious or conspicuous show in an attempt to impress others

I was taken back by emotional reactions of my student's bar mitzvah. Another piano teacher thought it was "wrong" to subject a child to the pressure of performing. Another person said that it was "embarassing" to spend money on an event when you can feed the hungry. Another person asked if I thought it was an obstentatious endeavor.

Buying designer jeans on credit, leasing a luxury car, collecting stuff that litters and overwhelms personal space IS pretentious. Creating a DEFICIT whether financially, emotionally or spiritually in order to impress others would be embarrarassing.

And I think the wry remarks I heard were really personal projections; sensitive statements made from places of struggle. Listening to their opinions on wealth and money, made me wonder if such a disparity to abundance was fulfilling their future struggles.

Depending on how attached one is to their misery, placing blame on others, saying how life is unfair seems to dictate a very predictable future -- words become investments into bitterness.

Why build the portfolio of your future on your most unhappy opinions?

Their words served like a cloud that dampened their experience of a young person's birthday party. The other piano teacher never met my student but had his opinion. I really wished that he was available to sub for me when I was out of town to learn that extrodinary sweet people live in parts of town that he is "too good" and "down to earth" to meet.

It is a shame if the present cannot be fully experienced because one is distracted by emotions dictated by yesterdays or supersitition... like... people with money are "corrupt" or "out of touch" or "uncaring".. These "superstitions" serve to box one in spiritual and financial boundaries.

Doesn't every soul strive for - freedom, happiness and self-expression... able to laugh, love, dream and create?

I was moved to see my student celebrate his birthday with his friends and family. There was laughter, playfulness, lots of love, creativity and generousity. I understood the little details of the event as personal expressions of family memories. There was meaning behind these little details and it wasn't coming from a place to impress anyone. A lot of it came from a mother's eye for the details of happy moments between her and her children woven into a special day..

My student told me earlier this year that sometimes you never learn about a person after a lot of time and money is spent on a party but for his birthday he wanted to share his hobbies. It was a lot of preparation and of course the expectations he created for himself demanded that he generated himself.

It all came together beautifully and I know he enjoyed the process as well as loved his special night. He understood that the journey to take him to his bar mitzvah matured him to really grasp the day and embrace growing up, owning and enjoying responsibility. At the close of the evening, the family gathered to make a family video (which I was honored to be included in) and when J graciously spoke to thank everyone to be part of his day, it was beautiful to see that he was truly PRESENT to the love he felt blessed with... and all the "fanfare" was part of the fun.

If you had a million ways to say I love you to someone - wouldn't you?

JNET

PHOTOS: J's Bar Mitzvah

by jnetsworld.

The show was a huge success! J gave a performance that will have people buzzing for weeks. And he had a wonderful time which is most important to me. He was fearless, undaunted and poised through out the night and it was beautiful for me to experience my first bar mitzvah. The chief rabbi of Israel even flew in to bless the evening and welcome J into his spiritual adulthood. I loved learning about a culture that is particularly into mysticism, celebrating thankfulness and kindness.

These are the pictures of my student J (in fedora hat) and his friend, the boy next door, along with me and the rest of his tutors.




Teaching is such a pleasure. I also had a fun time hanging out with J's other tutors. I hardly get to see my collegues that are J's guitar teachers. It was good to catch up. And J's dance tutors were a fun and silly energy to have a giggle with.

JNET

Wonder in the Space of Chaos

The black dress found me... Princess K played the fairy god mother by going through her closet and producing the perfect signature of elegance for tomorrow evening's event.

I spent most of the evening at Hangar 8 for a run through of the show. The first part of the hangar was clothed in red velvet, chandeliers above and scenic murals of Venice along the wall.

The room with the stage is even bigger... 30 foot ceilings and there were three huge vehicles hoisting a platform for the lighting crew. Despite the utter madness of machines, a production crew running around and a banquet crew setting up tables, my student had a great time on stage and gracefully handled the evening without being phased. If he is only 13, taking on playing "Clocks" with a full band, jumping onto an electric guitar to rock out a couple of tunes, play a bit of Rodrigo's guitar concerto in a classical guitar trio and then jump off stage onto the dance floor to do some hip hop with three professional dancers before his 400 guests, I can only be impressed and excited for his future. I asked him if he knew any other 12 year olds that worked so hard towards their 13th birthday and he said he knew no one and that he was so excited. He had been keeping all his practice a secret from all his friends telling them that he wants to take them to the moon for his birthday :)

He's already taken me there. In just watching him run through his show despite the challenges of chaos, noisy machines, a couple of dozen people running around with questions and instructions, I saw that life can yet be graceful and unfettered.

JNET

I Need a Fairy God Mother

My student's bar mitzvah is this Sunday. 400 guests. We have quite a show planned out for the occasion.

The rehearsals are the fun part. I'm the ONLY girl among the private tutors, two guitar tutors from USC who are absolute sweethearts and amazing musicians and three hip hop dance instructors (the Asian guy from Switzerland is my favorite) and my student wants to play matchmaker. I told him it is so difficult to choose. They are all good looking and extremely talented.

It's our final week before the big party and so we rehearsing every single night. I didnt' know about the 400 guests part until a few days ago. I knew it was going to be a big event but I didn't give much thought beyond teaching my student his music to prepare him to play with a 9 piece band. Mentally preparing him and musically preparing him was my priority... and now I've realized that I don't own anything suitable to wear.

"Wear black." was the request of my student's mom. All my recital gowns are purples, greens.. COLORS.. And the handy basic black cocktails dresses I have are TOO BASIC. Pearls won't save me here.

The dad took me aside, his head a bit spinning from the preparations. I understood then that "think black" was a bit ambiguous. I need to think black, think smart, think conservative, "no bare arms", think posh, think think.. think.

I think I need a lie down. I'm the girl who prefers pajamas over anything. I don't have the patience to shop, most everything I wear is a gift and the pieces I've purchased have a story behind them. But I've been on a mission... I found a pretty skirt, girlish and modest but the price tag was $498!!! The little sweater top that was next to it was the same price. EEEK. I walked away before I fell in love with the outfit any further.

I had to get to rehearsal anyway. I have a random hour or so each day to figure out the dress puzzle until Sunday. I will be the only girl onstage. Except during the dessert hour... the 5 year old sister will be playing a couple of nursery songs and I will accompany her then as well.

For now, this Cinderella is NAKED but hopes to find something SOON.

JNET

This Is Your Future

As my students get the basics of reading music, I enjoy showing them what the big kids play or myself.

"This is your future." I tell them. "It's all just a dance for your fingers. I'm here to help you train yourself to know patterns so that this doesn't look like ants on a page."

And so continues the journey of mistakes, recognizing them and becoming graceful to land where we really intended. We'll fall in love with compositions and eat them up. We'll pursue things we love in theory and have to choose to get over the hunger for easy gratification and take on the journey.

Foregoing the company and distractions of easier paths of fun, engaged in playing with a symbolic system. I think it's a worthy meditation.

My music tutors taught me that conquering these ants on the paper is not about ego rather it's about putting the ego aside in order to create art. To move forward from a place of not understanding becomes an exciting starting point having created value to a future goal.

When I see my student's eyes light up in their willingness to take on their future, I am in the presence of possibility.

JNET

Public Address of an Introvert

I write on my human experience and the beauty of its design and wildness. I may love fireworks but I would choose silence at any given moment. Solitude recalibrates me so that I can re-enter the curiosity of Life and take on its blissful temperments.

I can't write life as a perpetual day at a picnic and wow over sandwiches and rides. Every day I have a million thoughts that go through my head and I choose one to write on. And like a scientist wearing a writer's hat, I type my thoughts onto this petri dish format of a blog to just look at my thoughts, decide my feelings are on them and write my conclusions.

For a feely feely person, I may come off a bit aloof... I suppose also very unsympathetic. In return, I would tell them that they are being indulgent and drunk on emotion and need to stop feeling and think for a moment.

I do feel but I feel differently and I know there are a lot of people that "feel" like me. Feeling from a hypersensitive space, aware of subtle cues, looking deeply at the subtext for truth, being adaptive and adept to relate rationally and not being reactive.

I don't have time for tearing my heart in ranting conversations with lots of tears, swearing, and drama. It's not my style. I'll walk away from people who need these types of interactions to get to daily truths. And I don't want to always get on a soapbox to extricate love and respect. Either people are committed to be loving and respectful in their relationships or they are careless and keep dropping the ball.

And that's is where my patience ends. I need automony and not spits and starts. Am I unforgiving and intolerant? My friends and family will vouch for my good will. My enemies will say otherwise and get all the more upset that I don't care for their criticisms as I remind them that they have a knack for not knowing how to win my friendship back.

I'm just a girl who likes the quiet life. Between the spaces of silence, I have a very busy life, full of interesting people and projects, giving me an abundance to write from and reflect how to grow from their influence.

Here, you'll read about conflicts and reconciliations, inner struggles and triumphs...BASIC stuff that everyone on the planet deals with. Maybe I make choices you would, maybe I come up with something novel. If you don't agree, then don't torture yourself and read some other blog or take whatever art pleases you and move on.

I'm not here to please anyone. I'm here to live my life and write down my thoughts. I like to stare at them. Try on my thoughts if they fit you. Leave them here if they don't fit you. Become my friend if it suits you. Grow our friendship if you wish.

JNET

A Sad Ending

Hell has broken loose. I finally heard from A today. She is VERY upset that I wrote about our Jamaican holiday... I don't understand why she is so surprised since I journal my life on a daily basis. We arrived two weeks ago. A lot of life has happened since then.

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A: thanks for letting me know how you really feel.

JNET: yeah likewise

A: likewise?

JNET: through the course of the week you told me what you thought of me and i didn't feel good about myself...

A: you should have of told me - instead playing games

(I did. It was followed by an apology and "don't take things too personally" talk. I also got a "no one thinks like you" talk and "you are naive" talk explaining why I'm an easy target to be taken advantage of. My feelings missed the recognition boat and it came down to everything was in my court. I didn't want to spend my week collecting apologies and took the time as a "reality check" to reflect upon my friendship.)

JNET: why would you say things unless you meant it?... i REALLY wanted you happy... but it felt at the expense of me shutting up...

A: that sucks that you see what you want to see- apparrently. i learned things too, but if i consider you a friend i dont go around bashing -if something bothers me i would tell you.....thats too bad....you should have said something

(Saying something and being told that I'm too naive and sensitive in order to permit unkind words... If I have other friends that manage to not step on me, why would I desperately hold onto a person that doesn't inspire me?}

JNET: i was running around fixing things...

A: ooh....you were running around fixing things all 7 days?

JNET: i had to talk to all the managers the first couple of days and you didn't think that this was my vacation too.... i told you that my vacation was sucking big time too

A: yea sure made it sound like it was all my fault the hotel was horrible

(If I recall, I thought the hotel was horrible but I didn't say it was "all her fault." I only have offense at how she took on the crisis of the moment and became reactional toward me.)

JNET: the inconveniences would've have been easier to swallow if i didn't have someone who was my closest friend blaming me

A: perhaps....what you dont see is that....you were giving off some vibe to me as well....maybe you dont notice-

(I don't think she noticed that I didn't have one decent nights sleep because I was so uncomfortable and stressed out. WAIT, I had ONE night of sleep.... she gave me a sleeping pill for that night.)

JNET: i can take life stress... but you saying hurtful things was over the edge for me... i did a lot to not cry in front when you said stuff to put me down

A: you should talk about things that bother if you consider anyone a good friend

(There comes a tipping point where you can't be bothered to talk because you just have to accept that it's not going to improve things. I didn't see any use in demanding her to be nice to me.)

JNET: i did... and I had to realize that you didn't care when you'd say something new....and it just added up to that you didn't really like me

A: i had to find out even more by reading a blog that was posted for all to see...without tellign me how you really felt

(It's been TWO WEEKS since I've returned and written... Why does she care now how I am and what I wrote?)

JNET: i did and you ignored me... i figured you don't like me and that's the bottom line

A: what? ....dont lie to me....you didnt ...im sorry

(Friends that call me a liar have a way of putting me off.)

JNET: i told you when the hair conditioner was lost that it was nonsense

A: i communicated everything to you on the balcony that night... i apologized- i even told you that i knew it was stupid and that i got frusterated.

JNET: you threw more stuff at me here and there over the week that made me realize that you didn't like me

A: whatever.... you dont get it.....you only want to see what you want to see...

(She was really mad at me... Usually when a friendship is in trouble, there is sadness. I don't think A. was sad that we have come to a crossroads.)

JNET: you wished bad things to happen to me... do you do that whenever you get upset at anyone else? you would never wish that on someone you actually cared about. i would never say that to you... i would never even wish it

A: sorry you took it so personally.

JNET: people say what they REALLY mean inside of them when they have an excuse to do so.

A: you need to realize and understand that no one else is like you...i am sarcastic.... im not going to apologize for my sarcasm that you dont take or get

(I don't demand apologies.)

JNET: it wasn't sarcastic... it was hateful... and you were not joking at the moment... you were VERY upset at ME.... it was NOT a joking moment AT ALL

(I guess I missed the point of her humor.)

A: i could go off on things about how you are, but i dont

JNET: you did go off.... you spouted many things... i GOT it. i don't want to MAKE you like me

A: if i didnt like you- i wouldnt hang out with you... cause obviously i was drunk if i don t rememebr, and i was never drunk

JNET: it was maybe too much sarcasm for me to take 24/7

(I suppose I owe her an apology for being too stupid to miss the punchline.)

A: right... you need a reality check... i can jab right back at ya with many things as well...but im not like that...

****************************************

So this was the final exchange.

Is it cold of me to think that I'm not sad about it at all? I have many friends and I only have ONE that gives me talks that I need a reality check. I have many friends that I feel safe to say anything and everything and the conversation is always respectful despite differences. And I only had ONE that was frustrated by the difference of me. I have friends where conflict conversations have come up and in our discussion found how to be more mindful and sensitive toward growing in friendship.

I only have ONE friend telling me that I need a reality check. I only have one friend that questions my motives, my credibility and scoffs at them.

It was a difficult decision to come to after years of knowing someone. But those years to my shock did not add up.

Sometimes, we have to distance ourselves and accept that some things are not well matched.

Why foster friendships where acceptance is polite and yet have an arsenal of thoughts that you would share... but are "too good" to go there with?

I had no idea that a friend had disparaging thoughts toward me, my dreams, and my work.

If your heart of hearts in growing to be the best person and friend you can possibly be, would you have a score of ill thought to those near and dear to you?

If you cared, would you use your worthy criticisms to poke a friend's emotions especially if you knew they were having a difficult time?

How many behaviors will we allow ourselves to impose on others and demand that things not be taken personally? The world is a mess of confusion ... Do you think it's because EVERYONE IS TAKING EVERYTHING TOO PERSONALLY? Or people are NOT TAKING RESPONSIBLITY?

It's hard to reconcile with "WHATEVER" and "DON"T TAKE THINGS TOO PERSONALLY" without feeling like an idiot in the end of the day.

I'm taking responsibility for my own personal happiness and that means sometimes taking myself out of relationships that don't work. Life is too short to be flexible and yet be misunderstood in folly.

I've moved on. A is free. I am free. I have no energy for a battle of egos.

JNET

Iron Butterfly

My topsy-turvy beginning of October has smoothed out. Thank you friends for all your love and well wishes. This butterfly never had to hit the ground despite the gusts of nonsense.

A couple of "friendships" fell by the wasteside. I suppose all relationships are hopeful endeavors. I learned I had a couple of loose cannons and they finally blew over... aimed at me.

"Don't take it personally." and "Hey, this is who I am!" are lines I would take on if it wasn't to deflect responsibility when they blow off mean steam or take liberties that undermine my sense of personal space.

The sisterhood can be so cruel sometimes :(

So I am two friends less this month...not necessarily ousted but under a new perspective are now acquaintances, drinking buddies; people to not bare my heart to. Some people don't want your hearts in friendship... they want your "companionship", your stuff, your leverage; your something but not necessarily YOU and YOUR HEART and SOUL. I was reduced to a "JNET in a BOX" friend.

It's okay to be broken hearted and need people along the healing path but I shy away from people bent on taking others down with them with a laugh, a cocktail, or a sarcastic gesture and then expect others to "DEAL WITH IT."

I took stock this past week. I chose that I love ME more than these people and that I want to protect the world I have. I have friends that are loyal, devoted, sensitive, generous, protective in my kingdom. They are also iron butterflies.

Being strong doesn't have to mean sacrificing sensitivity. Being sensitive doesn't mean living "naive" and "not rooted into reality."

JNET

"Friends... they cherish one another's hopes.
They are kind to one another's dreams."
Henry David Thoreau

Thinking From the Immortal Essence

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience."

Teilhard de Chardin

Sometimes I wonder... If I think from the perspective of the immortal essence, what shall I say about this mortal moment of time?

I think from that perspective, I have access to choose from a palette of emotion. Somehow, having that path and purposefulness of choice, I can always be passionate...even within the space of choosing boredom..

And then I find endless humor in the folly that my humanity affords me and an abundance of excitement in loving each passing meaningless second.

And not a day ever passes that I am not filled with wonder. What a lucky accident it is to be born.

JNET

I Surrender

It is said that the journey of life is what matters and not the destination... Despite being surrounded by good friends and having a great family, my journey is a lonely one.

I don't know if it's as lonely as the loneliest person's journey. I've had my share of shadows and bad days. Sometimes I wonder WHY I am alive and how I managed to last this long. But I find comfort within myself and somehow don't feel TERRIBLY lonely on my path.

And so I write my thoughts on this lonely adventure of my solitary spirit surrounded by interesting characters along the way. Some of the people in my life are beautiful and interesting; others are lovely but prickly, some delight in being disagreeable as human hurricanes of drama.

I write for my SELF, penning down the details of my shadow battles with a plan to end the final paragraph with the victory of my mind and soul. I write to search through those corners of my mind and somehow I know if I am aware of the nonsense of my own dark hallways, the whole world is brighter.

I am my most challenging opponent and I must be my own most devoted friend even if I am blessed with opportunities and love left, right and center.

I write to challenge myself to the highest thoughts I can muster and demand my own surrender.

JNET

"Love is an attempt at penetrating another being,
but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual."

Octavio Paz

Keeping Abundance in Mind

"You're poor."

"No, I'm not... My bank is just empty."

The unexpected expenses of travelling was a lot easier to take in stride than the upsets that occurred between my travelling companion and I. Yesterday, I had to cancel on teaching a family because President Bush's visit had created many roadblocks. The mother of the children was also not home because she was attending the event that the president was at.

hmmm...Travel expenses, no pay while on vacation, lesson cancellations, roommate moved out and I'm paying rent all by myself. I am somehow not depressed over the situation. I've NEVER had a HIT like this before. It's not worth the time to worry. After a dry summer, I'm finally getting calls from prospective new students. whew.

I went home and enjoyed a quiet night and literally sat with silence for the evening. It was sooo nice.

I'm musing over Mystic's suggestion of moving in. Though we are great friends, at this junction, I'd like to give living alone a go and continue growing our relationship with the freedom of being able to close the door at the end of the day to be with myself.

I create my sanity in stillness.

Just imagining the daily questions of "Where did you go?", "What will we do today?", "What shall we eat?" is noisy in my head. I have a different way of looking at relationship and it's not about companionship (I don't need someone to validate my existence) nor is it about convenience (life is easier solo) or stability (I create my own stability.) I want this time to be my own greatest companion, learning about rising above struggle and celebrating life nonetheless.

Am I poor? No, my bank account is just on the slim side this week but I feel rich. Life is interesting. People make me think and laugh. I am excited to live alone. Keeping abundance in mind I'll float this challenging time. Despair seems like a lazy choice.

JNET

Conflict - Resolution

"So, I noticed my bed was not the way I left it... Who slept in my bed while I was away?"

I was a bit perturbed but I didn't want AM to think I cast blind eyes on naughty behavior.

I asked my former roommate, AM, this morning and she told me that she had a party, used my bed (but cleaned them since they smoked and got my bed smelling like cigarettes) and used my bedroom as a party room while I was on vacation.

I asked her straight and I was glad that she didn't try to hide. She clearly has a different sense of boundaries than I. I had HIDDEN some items that they searched for their party enjoyment. I was a bit gobsmacked but not too shocked. I was just happy to get my housekey back.

She's a little too comfortable using it since she's moved out - coming in to borrow things while I am away.

A's little voice in the back of my head insists...

"You are sooo naive! You deserve to be taken advantage of if you're not going to fight."

But I am not blind here and I don't wish to create any battles. My former roommate has no sense of boundaries and living with her infringed upon my space. She will do the same to anyone. How do you tell a blob to not act like a blob? AM is life with lots of splash and mess.

NOT MY STYLE... but a different flavor that may charm someone else more.

I don't think she's malicious. I think she's oblivious that her boundaries exceed most people.

She came as a visitor to my home world. I'm glad that I didn't have to divorce her to get her out. She just had to live somewhere else.

I drove her to the airport today and had a smooth confrontational talk. She didn't hem and haw making excuses.. She came clean... even exposing more naughty details of what liberties she took of my space while I was away. WOW....

I won't make a new enemy but I'll keep her friendship at a healthy distance where I won't have to wonder about my stuff and space anymore.

As for my Jamaican nightmare vacation with my most disagreeable best friend turned monster. She was aware of her mean spirit and knows that I've been stung. She tried to make some friendly conversation the other day in letting me know excitedly that a cutie has moved in the building. One cute guy in a predominantly single girls building... HOORAY.

It was her way of giving me a peace offering, I guess :)

A's attempt at reconnecting was SOMETHING. We'll take a break from each other and I hope that she'll take stock of how out of control she can get. For now, I'll forgive her and blame the travelling mishaps for feeding our stress, her not having cigarettes to smoke for a week and her being pre-menstrual.

I want to live a peaceful life. NO, I am not NAIVE and therefore open season for abuse. I just choose my battles wisely. There is a certain line that one has to cross to leave JNETSWORLD. Sometimes I need to let my friends sit on that line...

and choose.

JNET

Sooo...How was Jamaica???

I enjoyed snorkling, sailing, kayaking... swimming up to pool bars and drinking fruity drinks. I enjoyed conversations with people from around the world.

But there was a lot of tension and stress revolving in the dynamics of myself and my friend, A. No amount of fun can blanket some of the things she said as she buckled under certain upsets.

Our hotel accomodations that she booked for us was a nightmare. Working toilets was not an option. We went through three different rooms in which two of the bathrooms did not work. I started having strong second thoughts when the housekeeping lady gave me a big wooden stick and began explaining how to secure the door whenever we left or slept.

Major alarm bells!

There were no other visible guests and no other girls walking about. A and I got stares that didn't make us comfortable. So we left for a walk to talk to see what our options were.

The surrounding area was a bit dodgey. Taxis were expensive and we were running out of cash fast. We walked to a resort. I talked to the manager and told her that we were interested in changing hotels. She made a deal with us which was more money than I felt comfortable spending but the hotel was a place we could feel safe at, it was all-inclusive; we would end up saving in food, drinks, and activities.

After three rooms at the nightmare hotel, you would think our troubles ended and we can party it up and relax.. NOOOOO....

The toilet at the 5 star resort broke on my friend AGAIN...She got so upset that she walked out on me. We were excited and happy for maybe 20 minutes! We had unpacked and thought our vacation had begun...

While A. went to drown her anger away at the bar, I went down to talk to the hotel manager AGAIN.. to resolve the issue. I moved EVERYTHING with the bellhop and set up things in the new room without A. She eventually came up with a drink for me.

A. finds that I forgot her hair conditioner in the shower of the former room. I tell her to call housekeeping and that she can use my hair conditioner. She gets in a huff and says that the vacation is a mess and that I am bad luck and that she doesn't want to ever travel with me and wishes something bad would happen to me. She locks herself in the bathroom and takes a shower (without her hair conditioner)..

I go down again. I'm shocked at my friend's anger and I don't know how to absorb it, wondering when the day will ever end. I decide that I NEED to find a piano, a quiet place and get my head together and end up bumping into the manager. I'm trying hard to not cry as I tell her that I need a piano and that my friend hates me and has lost her head. The hotel manager look into it and I go to the bar to grab a couple of drinks as a peace offering to A.

Back at the room:

A. tells me that I OWE her an apology. I give her the drink and tell her to calm down and that housekeeping is looking into it and that the room couldn't have been let out to anyone because they have to repair the bathroom. Since the air is thick with anger and frustration, I decide to take a long, long shower. When I get out, I tell A. that I'm going for a walk to find a piano. She gives me an apology and joins me. When we find the piano bar, the place is hopping and people are singing at the mic. A tells me that I OWE her a song since she's had a bad day. Since I hate being treated like a radio just because I'm a musician, I excuse myself to go somewhere else... I sit across the room instead waiting for a good time to chat with the pianist about having access to the piano.

I end up meeting the hotel's project manager who makes arrangements to accomodate my request.

I think by the third day, most the staff knew me. I don't know if they felt sorry for me or were irritated by me. But judging from the good conversations I had over the week at the resort and being treated well, I think I was on their good side.

Which is different from my travel companion and friend.

Despite apologies, pat conversation, and "don't take things too personally" talks, I'm not quite sure what to make of my "friend" who wished something bad would happen to me. I enjoyed doing things with her but learned that she is someone I don't feel comfortable keeping too close to me.

I never had to pay this much money and time to get disrespected in my leisure time. And I wrote a rent check that will bounce to the moon. Hopefully, my building manager won't cash it until Wednesday.

I wish we handled situations more gracefully together. I didn't get to relax like I hoped. Vacations are over-rated.

Sometimes a vacation is not about going away... but rather a time to meet with oneself.

I went away "to chill out with a good friend" and found that I missed my solitude.