SS: Salt Shakers

That is what I call "couples"... salt shakers. They come in charming, matching pairs.

I've been practicing stepping out of my solitude. I'm rarely found as "half of a set" and I dread the thought of myself being a shaker.

With an identity so ingrained in being the flower vase or maybe the solo art piece that's never had to share a spotlight but delighted in the individual installations around me, I have serious thoughts that I am designed to be a solo persona. My friends and family would go in a bit of shock if I should ever appear with a special someone. My patience and curiousity to go beyond the ascetic life is so "un-shakerish."

But I am searching for a balance and the right medium that expresses myself in a complementary way. And so comes in Mr. B who's been sweetly trying to tango with me and despite my protests and steps to reiterate myself to him, he seems to take my waves with a certain grace.

I don't know if I am going to last. I keep everyone at the periphery and rather enjoy company with myself than want to join the masses at the movies or restaurants. Mr. B's best friend's enthusiasm for the ritualistic double date is making me nervous. I don't want to relinquish myself into becoming a salt shaker.

I have a very patient suitor though who is amused by the odd courtship he must endure to get to know me in friendship. He has been in my circle of friends for several years... but most of them he focused on his career and not knowing me. After a two year sabbatical he's returned to creating a social life and he thought of me. He's also wishing to create a balance in his life. And so I've decided to practice sharing a tiny bit of myself as well as he.

I prefer yet... myself.

It's very unsettling to share. I don't know if I ought to cry. I feel nothing and he is fine with my nothingness in our conversations. I'm an interesting puzzle for him. I see a gulf between us and he sees something else. In this space of discomfort I am trying to get clear with myself to show up in honest bravery despite all my fears or discern that building with the incongruities I see will only make for an inauthentic friendship.

Until then...we are having a lot of conversations... silliness and friendship.... learning about each other platonically and seeing where to go from there. It is refreshing and not complicated... something that is rare to me.

JNET