stunning solitude

---

Surrounded by people, Solitude finds a second to wink at me and I realize a magical silent moment....

There are at least four people in this shot. I waited a moment for the baby stroller to move out of the frame. And for a few seconds, it was only me and the garden.

Some need activities to raise their energy. I need quiet time. This weekend, I played the piano some and made notes for my chiro.

My left hand feels weightier and energetic while my right hand feels like a ghost. If I was a director, I'd tell my right hand that it needs to work on it's presence and projection. My right hand still shakes. I entertained random questions like how would I keep very still if I had to hide from a ghost or raptors that broke out from a science lab.

I had to figure out a few positions to find my stillness. My imagination was entertained. It made pain less dominant.

How my world sounds when I find stillness...

The neighbor downstairs cooing at her puppies and the puppies' happy response. The neighbor upstairs singing to himself. The rhythmic whoosh of cars going along Laurel Canyon. Sometimes it's the birds singing, another part of the day, it's the kids at play in the schoolyard, and summer evenings, it's the crickets singing.

Solitude is stunning when you can enjoy its conversation and not be interrupted.

A bit of homework I give my students is to write down 10 things they hear while sitting alone at their piano. I enjoy their lists. The "list" was inspired by a violinist friend when I shared having several piano students who did not have an instrument to practice on. Aside from "air piano" practice, what else can I suggest to help them grow? Hence, the "what do you hear when you are alone" list; an exercise to fine tune how one listens.

It's not only about what you hear but also how you listen.

What do you hear in your solitude? I hope it's stunning.

JNET

---

Reflections from the Garden

Everything was perfect...

Until God created women...

That's for the people who have a hard time dealing with women.

Everything was perfect...

Until God created mankind. The planet was clean and the animals were safe from becoming a hamburger.

That's for the people who have a hard time dealing with being human and having to live with other humans.

Take three...

Everything was perfect...

Until God was created. There was no war, no conflict and everything was absolutely rational.

yeah right.

How about everything IS perfect... end of confusion :)

JNET

Facing Sharks

I went on a shark dive while on vacation in Oahu.

M: "Were you afraid?"

JNET: "No."

I suppose it seems like an odd thing to do, getting into a shark cage in the middle of the ocean, considering that I do not even know how to swim.

But then, I did also jump out of a plane and I don't know how to fly.

How can I be afraid?

I knew what I getting into... a plane, a shark cage, the open sky, the ocean. I knew I wasn't exactly being a pioneer. Many others before me had enjoyed skydiving and looking at sharks. Some people loved it so much that they created the opportunity to enjoy these activities.

Though I didn't need to know how to fly or swim to enjoy skydiving or a shark tour, I trusted that no one wanted to deal with drama, dead bodies and lawsuits. I wanted an exciting experience. I wanted something memorable and something worth talking about for many years after that to happen. I wanted the "safe" and "thrilling" adventure they promised I would remember forever.

And I got just that, an experience that I loved, that filled me with awe and reverence, that was thrilling and will be something I will talk or write of for many years to come.

Is it worth the risk - this putting myself in the open ocean or open sky?

Is it worth the risk so to be present to beauty, awe and the sense to be absolutely in love with the present moment???

Risk doesn't have to feel scary. Risk can feel beautiful and delicious :)

JNET

TOASTMASTERS: Composing My Life

DO YOU UNDERSTAND FORTISSIMO???

Maybe you do in the space of exciting measures where life announces joyful news, celebrates a win, or even sounds the music of battle and debate.

"I am loved!"

"I won the competition!"

"I'm right.. You're wrong!"

"No, IM RIGHT and YOU ARE A LOSER!!"

"LOVE ME! LOVE ME! LOVE ME!!!"

Fortissimo.

The emotions of happiness and the emotions of anger can also be expressed pianissimo and speak volumes about your gratitude for the blessings you enjoy or your pain that you endure on a prayer.

Fellow toastmasters and honored guests. My name is JNET and I am your music teacher for the evening presenting my 7th speech from the CC manual. My speech tonight is called Composing Life, a Music Lesson in Seven Minutes.

Leonard Bernstein appropriately said that

"To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time."

How many of you know you have the power to create? Then in the musical spirit, I would like to pose this thought, perhaps you can compose too?

Can growing your music skills grow "an admirable heart" as the founder of the Suzuki method purposes?

What happens when you combine curiousity and a musical instrument?
[*bring out instrument]

Compare the experience with watching television. One brings about action in doing while the other fosters passivity. It does take a while to grow an admirable heart though.

You'll learn and care about something called technique through study and excercise.

If and only IF, you care to develop discipline and become an athelete that succumbs lots of hurdles... called YOUR MISTAKES. For you left brainers out there, that means you practice and practice to understand these symbols in black and white and terms in French and Italian until you make very little mistakes and make something beautiful. And for you right brainers out there, it means you practice and forgive yourself enjoying being able to learn from mistakes and love learning music for the experience of the moment while striving for accuracy. And isn't it nice that you are not condemned to be a lefty or righty when it comes to studying music. It's a matter of two hands and two sides of your mind creating TOGETHER to a level of craftsmenship.

Why would you want to develop skills in craftsmenship? It doesn't sound cool and hip. Are you making cabinets? It sounds like a lot of WORK and maybe you don't care to be craftsmen or a maestro.

Maybe you want to be a maestro in different ways? You want to be successful in your career or in your personal life?

Well did you know that Music majors are the most likely group of college grads to be admitted to med school? And a study of 7,500 university students revealed that music majors scored the highest reading scores among all majors including English, biology, chemistry and math.

What skills do you think you would gain from knowing what's going on in black and white in front of you? What hobby makes you study the details in black and white and yet gives you space to be creative to demonstrate your mastery? Where do you practice sustained effort in the space of mistakes? Just to express a melody as you imagined in your head?

I think Life will read differently to you if you all learned read and play music. And I wonder if you would enjoy and travel Life differently if you fed your creative and curious side with a musical vehical. I think you would seek out and follow the fine print in a different spirit from how you pursue other "fine print."

Like this...

Bach Prelude in D minor.....

Allegro moderato... medium fast ...non legato... but not connected rather disconnected... loads of stacatto.

Look at all these fast notes... woo hoo.... and all these get quiet and louder things to pay attention too...

So demanding... so specific..

And yet a worthy way to spend one's quiet time perhaps? You are just as demanding and specific as Bach is with your own life and dreams. How's your technique, composition and performance skills?

????

I end your music lesson now with a quote by Mozart.

"To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop."

See you again next week for your next lesson?

Thank you fellow toastmasters, composers, maestros and honored guests.

JNET

SPEECH: Featherweights

My mother is the church lady; specifically, the Catholic.... church lady. And though I have had my respective rebellions with her, I adore her. She is a sweetheart and she will give you a rosary as a gift before saying goodbye.

And before our goodbyes are complete, she will remind me to pray to my guardian angel. To which, I reply,

"I don't have a guardian angel mom. I have a league of angels."

Good Evening, Madame President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests. Have you ever said hello to your league of angels? Tonight, I present project number five of the competent communicator manual, titled "Featherweights", sponsored by Gucci, Greyhound and Amtrak.

When I turned 16, my mother gave me a new watch. She has this thing about getting me timepieces at recognized milestones. I have a watch for my first day in kindergarten and a watch for college graduation. Aren't moms great? They come up with the best gift ideas.

So you can guess my reaction when I forgot my sweet 16 gift in the piano room and didn't remember it til after rehearsal... after several hours. I was a wreck.

I ran to the practice room. Nothing. I had taken it off to practice and had ran off to class without it and it was now gone.

Mind you, I had lost my physics book the day before and I have a mother that goes through the list. Your mother may have a similar list. The list of "things you have lost". I went through the motions of checking it with the music department head.

"Has anyone turned in a gold watch?"

"No."

This was duplicated at the school's security office and the lost and found department. I wrote out my details and returned to the piano room to cry. I was going to have to go home and tell my mother that I had lost my watch. I LOVED that watch more than my physics book, more than my senior class ring, more than the countless partners of earrings that are solo. It was gone and I was going to have to go through another speech. Those speeches didn't exactly engender closeness between my mom and I.

My mother and I are going to fight about stuff, I thought? Again? My thoughts were racing. I hate fighting. I'd rather die.

And that's when I woke up. It was a watch. A watch! And this list my mom had was choking me. I lost a watch my mother gave for my 16th birthday which I loved and I was going to have to tell her that I lost it. That's it. I had to tell my mom to drop the list because it was doing my head in. I didn't want "stuff" to affect our relationship. I didn't want to be afraid of gifts from there on.

And so I prayed and wrote my note to put up in the practice room hallway...

"LOST: Gold watch, if found, please return at Professor Russell's office."

I didn't have a chance to put it on the wall. While I was writing, someone wrote and posted a note in the hallway,

"FOUND: Gold watch, please go to the school office."

The last time I lost that watch it took a couple of months to find me. I lost it at the end of the D line.. the green line train to Newton which also doubles as the Greyhound station. By the time I had realized that I didn't have my watch on me, I was already in Cambridge to work for the day.

"You lost your gold watch at the train station? Forget it. You'll never see it again."

I got a lot of condolences and reality talks. That didn't stop me from posting up signs about my watch and talking to the desk person at Greyhound. Days passed and turned into weeks and further yet. I finally received a call on Thanksgiving morning.

"Yeah, I'm calling about your watch. I had found it sitting on top of the subway fare machine. I want to leave it for you but I don't want to leave it with anyone at the station. I'm going to put it in a blank package and leave it with the person at the desk. Can you be there within the half hour to pick it up?"

I retrieved my watch from a shocked desk clerk at the station. I came home with that watch for Thanksgiving.

It was a watch. That's why I got it. Right? Everyone has something they are sentimental over and if you put a sign up and say a prayer. You'll get it back.

Yes?

I recently was at the Amtrak station in Glendale on a Friday night. They don't sell tickets there. I bought my ticket to San Diego from Union Station a couple of days prior in planning a trip to my niece's birthday. Due to technical issues the trains were delayed and a group of us decided to take a cab to Union Station to catch the next train there.

In the scramble, I lost my ticket. The fellows who took the cab with me searched the path I walked from the taxi drop to the Amtrak desk and according to Amtrak policy, you have to produce a ticket to receive a refund. What a pain. I bought a second pair of business class tickets. That's another $100. I made peace with the inconvenience and figured that people have bigger losses in Vegas. Any bet placed on my niece is a winner.

You can imagine my surprise when stepping down from my return train hearing a voice call out my name. In what amounted to a blur of a moment, someone put my lost tickets into my hand and walked away.

So I have guardian angels... a league of them.

But I don't think angels are there to fix things. I think they are there to cheer you on to making decisions and confirm that things are perfect. My mother no longer gets wound up over lost things. The imaginary wedge between her and I over stuff was lifted when I made a decision to face her and tell her I didn't want material things to sit between us. Is there an angel of lost tickets and watches?

No, but I think there are some angels that teach goodness comes from nameless faces. Maybe you have similar stories.

Maybe it was you who was my featherweight champion? Hello :) then and thank you.

Thank you, Madame President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.


JNET

Peacing Myself

I am back to a practicing the piano routine, as well as a writing / blogging routine. I have a photography shoot coming up in a few weeks and my dance group is in hiatus.

I feel like last year was about painting this huge mural (figuratively). It is now 2009 and I look at the many things I did last year and think... wow... I suppose I was a bit of a mad artist.

My piano chops had some fun for a little bit with a spell of intimate concerts at home with a flutist friend who is also a salsa friend. Those little gatherings at home were accompanied with small dance parties . All that sound and music activity gave way to an energy to put into blogging and podcasting. I went a bit extreme in countering my interrupted podcasting life by doing a show everyday for a week or so.. tapering to three a week until dance rehearsals became demanding and coupled with technical difficulties; a break from podcasting was needed.

Quieter my life became... summer dance rehearsals kicked salsa off my plate... Being tired and physically not up for extra demands other than my yoga and pilates practice ... I even stopped playing the piano. My teaching practice grew... and grew. I have students in a flying pattern to return to a open slot.

My life once had space to think and practice. How did it get so full? What do I think about all of this overwhelming "fullness?" Thank God. What else is there to think? I do want an even fuller life... paint bigger murals (figuratively)... therefore, I am working out the balance.

2008 was a workout... physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, intellectually...

I didn't want to sit still in my free time. I wanted to lie down!

Mom was having her second surgery of the year and the demands were up there... I pressed on as I am compelled to do. I kept up with my photography gigs though - for that project with a friend seemed to be my quietest project.

I rang in the new year ready to embrace solitude again yet was happy to share the day with gentle spirit people.

It's week two. I was in a car accident (minor) last week. My car is dinged but I am not. I am settling myself down.

I am peacing myself. And wishing peace to you.

JNET

Odd, Honest, And Beautiful

Surely there must be others who are living a charmed, odd, beautiful life...

It's my flavor.

Other flavors I notice from friends,

....loves individuality and being outspoken.

....loves being supportive and quiet from the sidelines.

....loves the obstacle of stressful events to manage and hopefully win over..

One can be loud, another quiet... another an adrenaline rush.

What's your flavor?

JNET

PHOTOS: Happy 2009 :)

I danced into 2008 with reckless abandon. By Spring I was ready to return to the comfort of myself and quiet...

I got so quiet that I took a break from writing, salsa dancing, podcasting and playing the piano. Its now 2009 and the most important place to me is the quiet that I find in my solitude.

To begin writing again...

And being myself again...

The borders of jnetsworld have stretched to new horizons. There are not enough words to express who I am now. But perhaps in pictures....

Snapshots of 2008...


My solitude found a family. (above: E, C and M)

My place was no longer only about my music and rehearsals. I danced for pure enjoyment to be with my friends to laugh and play. I am normally not as social as these three have drawn me out and stretched me. These three created the salsa dancer I am today... all great teachers, technique perfectionists, and friends ... who have made permanent marks into my heart and soul.. as well as a permanent home in jnetsworld :)

I learned how to make art with flips of laughter somersaults of silliness. I didn't miss my solitude. I didn't miss writing. The world fell apart in little ways with tiny dramas along the way... like disagreeable roommates... not having enough students. But I had my loyal friends and an energetic front line.

Spring 2008 was a wild garden. Jnetsworld was LIVELY and growing.


Work and play came to a new level. And salsa opened to expanding my love of photography. C was working on a friend's project and together we had good work chemistry. In turn, pulling the volume down on salsa and working me to a balance. I took lots of pictures... and I still didn't miss my solitude. Podcasting went on break... blogging went on break... new connections and roads were made.


My world of notes and words expanded into color. Friendships grew into creative bonds and projects were born. Jnetsworld's art is part of so many other worlds. So many new friends came into my quiet world this past year...



"Facebook ME." Became the hello to people that impressed themselves upon me.

Salsa dancing evolved to an at-home-only-with-friends activity. I danced only at KNL rehearsaI, saving my energy to concentrate on performing at the Ford. I had 6 hours at least of rigorous dancing during the hot summer months. I attempted podcasting but hit upon so many technical difficulties with the computer, phones and headsets.

I was writing and podcasting... but in my head and drafted thoughts collected in my archives... or became canned. The Ford performance was a sold-out success though.


Beyond dancing and photography. I sought to speak beyond my blog... beyond podcasting. I stepped away from my safe internet world and joined Toastmasters. Again, stretching myself away from solitude. I missed practicing the piano. I missed writing. But I was up to new things.


The question came up often....Where is my writing and podcasting? Where is the mathematician? I once blogged to document life. But I got caught up in so many different things and a mulitude of thoughts marched through my head... but I never sat down to really tie them down with my words. And a certain sensibility left me. Where did I leave my words, my reflections?

All on the backburner... Yes, I felt that tinge of "missing" but I was on an adventure that I know will lead me back to home.


In the space of new friends, my royal court of friends who have been with me through the years grew with me Thoughts were sorted through quick text messages. I am still so busy that the best way to reach me is via email or text messaging.

Busy with my work, my projects, my rehearsals, my friends and then of course ... my family.

A family with nieces and nephews... many brand new :) A family of brothers and sisters in law... a family with a mom who had two surgeries and a year of physical therapy. 2008 was intense and beautiful in the family front.


And it made me wonder....

Can I do all the things I love to do and build a kingdom for myself like my brothers??? I stretch my thoughts on salt shakerhood as I flirt with couplehood. I could be happy with work and solitude... and I could be happy in other ways too. I learned to look beyond that world called friendship. Through dance, someone wanted to show me a glimpse of the possibilities in his mind.


Love and life always teaches...one to grow... I am having a good and terrible time figuring out how my dreams will look like in the future...

I know I can always be happy with my world as it is... Full of friends, family, love, fun, adventures in work and play. That I still think of solitude and I think of me.

It is 2009... I am back to writing... and shortly to podcasting....

The mathematician did return .. by the way...after I shared with him the vision I was growing in my world, he thought it was a good time to say hello.. I have a couple of hellos on the go :) My mind is spinning with wonder... I can only hope to write more often to make sense of my world.


What makes sense for my world is the continuing journey. I am still playing with my color, with my music, with my words and with my dance.


2009 is going to be lots of fun...

I love watching life unfold. It's beautiful... isn't it? Happy New Year.

JNET

Love Is In The Air... and I Am Feeling Claustrophobic

My facebook marriages, engagements, and relationships crescendo-ed to a quiet and peaceful single status. Meanwhile my real-time experiments enjoyed some happy practice time with the occasional mess up. I slowly found my un-JNET status of participating in salt shaker activity a bit of a challenge.

This silly year has been full of play. The podcasting habit slipped AGAIN, my blog writing routine disrupted - but I can do double turns when I salsa and I've been dancing and performing. Having added Pilates to cross train against dance and yoga, I can continue my ice cream indulgences with E after an evening of dance and then some.

And yet, all the ice cream in the world coupled up with fun and affection cannot cover over the growing frustration of having not been productive in my writing and piano practice, leading me to think that dating and a future of salt-shakering... ie pairing up is going to take more mindful thought and discipline. I also entertain the possibility of being a confirmed bachelorette.

Not to blow my mind at a minor level, the mathematician resurfaced full of sunshine and charm. He is so easy to adore. His conversations still have its way of pinning me against the wall as we entertain universal truths within details. Hot geeks unite... ha.

To salsa? To tango? To read a book? To watch a movie? To be together? To be alone....

Love is in the air...

And I am feeling claustrophobic.

Lucky me?

JNET

Random Thoughts of A Hurried Mind

2: 35am. Breakfast @ 8am. I'll be missing D's bikram yoga competition. Darn. My piano students. So little quiet time. Busy. And I still can't be still.

2:38am. Dancing salsa @ Sportsmen Lodge was fun. The day was full of serious and silly. Was it really Halloween? Intense over relationship talks with E. Private thoughts intense over things yet to be said. He loves me ... he loves me... and he loves me too. Life is dancing and I linger over the breaks of silence.

I only think of you... future... I miss you. Everything is perfect no matter what. Take it seriously but not too seriously. The possibilities are endless.

2:45. The adventure. I think of travelling solo and welcome that romance. Sky-diving tandem is fun but jumping alone doesn't fill me with lonliness. I love the excitement of being with myself as I steal into 2:48.

2:48. Breakfast with friends. Maybe I can leave a bit later. I'll still miss D's competition. Darn. so hard to be still.... as I remember that I also have dance rehearsal Sunday.

2:50. Time to force myself to sleep... as I indulge upon my solitude for random thoughts from a hurried mind.

Goodnight... good morning.... good night....

2:52

JNET

SPEECH: The Stillness Of Me

Good evening Madam President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.

My name is JNET and I am presenting my first speech:

Seeing me in this dress, you would probably find it hard to believe that I am an introvert. I am someone who romances silence even though I am a musician and teacher. I am someone who appreciates stillness even though I am a dancer.

I'd rather hear about you but I have 10 boxes to fill. My ambition tonight is for you to learn a bit about myself by sharing a particular day in my life that occurred, a particular day of the week in my life and how my life is colored thusly. And to also to share in such a way that connects us despite respective cultures, ages, and experience....

Firstly, a favorite quote by a wise Jesuit priest...

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

We are NOT human beings have a spiritual experience. WE ARE SPIRITUAL beings HAVING a HUMAN experience...

And what is experience to me? It's an opportunity to wear a costume and be present on stage to play with the human experience.

I think my very first human experience was a very positive one.

My mother says that on the day I was born at a tiny military hospital in the Philippines, not a single baby girl had been borne there for at least a month. I can only imagine the greeting I received then. But I know a genuine hello today really stays with me. Those passing hellos from the hospital in the Philippines, to grade school teachers, college professors, and kind neighbors, now deliver me here to Toastmasters so that I may address you and ask you to wonder about your very first human experience.

Do you care that I've lived in Florida, Virginia, San Diego or Boston? Does it matter to you the things I've done along the way? How do I best give you a sense of who I am within six minutes? And how does an introvert get away with making her first speech in a ball gown anyway?

I think my friends here will agree with me that I am having a lot of fun with this thing called life. In many ways, Life is like a gala. Should I ever lose my shoe at a given moment, I am still the princess.

My family and friends are the jewels that adorn me. The education given me by professors, mentors and directors in my school of life has given me color and sound.

But I don't need this dress to explain the canvas of my life. Instead let me share with you my Sundays. This spiritual being out on a human experience has not been in church as much as she'd like these past several months. Instead, I've been at dance rehearsal at 10am every Sunday morning. My hair put up in a bun, dressed in a t-shirt or tank top with petticoats over yoga pants. My dance group is preparing to perform at the Ford this coming September 13th.

I will not deny that being able to dance in beautiful costumes thrills me. But I also get a thrill out of the arduous rehearsal. For 8 hours, we'll be taught basics to put 40 dancers into choreography about the stage. On a blank canvas of dancers in petticoats, Philipino culture, art, and history is put. We all look the same on Sunday.

We all come from busy lifestyles. We are all tired. We are all excited.

I go home by 6pm. Sometimes I'll go to a salsa dance class. Most times, I need to be home early so that I can broadcast my internet radio show.

"Good evening Los Angeles and beyond, Welcome to More Than a Headshot on blogtalkradio, and this is your host JNET, perpetual negativity slayer, bridge builder and lemonade maker, here with another episode for all you rugged angels out there.... "

Life has not been easy. Life is not easy. I've moved so much that I never kept a childhood friend. My father died while I was in grade school. I am not happy with my pirouettes. I wish I could be more focused in my writing. I wish I didn't know the thrive survive divide. My mom is about to have surgery and the challenge to take care of her between my brothers and myself ...

ahhh... that's the stage getting hot, I suppose.

Some ask in their heads... "what would Jesus do?".. I also ask... "what would Beethoven do" .. What would a perpetual negativity slayer do? How do I make something beautiful out of this?

pursue a mastered life, a masetro's life... compose beauty, passion, and possibility. i know many of you know that still place. that place where a moment to be content, sentimental, or thankful takes a peaceful stretch to heave a happy sigh before getting clobbered over the head a dozen sugar glass bottles.

From the still place of myself... I say hello and pleased to meet you... to meet you and speak to the still place of you.

JNET

Flying At The Speed Of Joy

J: "You are very quiet. I don't think you've said ten sentences..."

JNET: "It's before noontime. I rarely speak to anyone before then."

I stepped out of my world and joined my roommate to celebrate his birthday at Magic Mountain. After several weeks of juggling my schedule, stressing over cars, fitting in family and friends and trying to keep up with rehearsals and exercise, Magic Mountain seemed like a good place to blow my mind.

But even the surreal sounds of listening to "It Had To Be You" while being roller-coastered at speeds beyond 80mph, 20 stories above the earth, with pyrotechnics dancing to a mix of heavy metal, didn't blow my mind.

Life is already blowing my mind.

J: "You are soooo quiet."

JNET: "It's noisy in my head."

Random conversations while standing in hour plus long lines....

Zipping along in roller coasters doesn't do much to scare me. Instead, I am filled with an awe for the engineering and creativity. To enjoy a moment to safely fly and be able to imagine how angels must feel, is to enjoy a "thrill" of a different sort that is separate from fear.

FLY AT THE SPEED OF FEAR was Tatsu's teaser. Such a fascination with fear and death... Doesn't anyone flirt with LIFE and see what's possible? But the conversation of roller coasters rides heavily on the flirtation with death... I find it hard to keep that perspective when I know I didn't sign release forms entering the park and I'm standing in line with a group of enthusiastic twelve year olds. Doesn't anyone else think that riding roller coasters can be an absolute JOY?

FLY AT THE SPEED OF JOY.... that is how I feel ...over this ride of life.

Who said joy is a high tech roller coaster? Why not a rickety noisy car? A splashy smooth water ride? Why not joy is a bumper car?

Flying at the speed of joy in what today?

Today is a good splash day.

JNET

Life In Wonderland II

A reflection on a reflection... two years later...

Do I change, evolve or pretty much remain the same???

**************

This is how I feel about Life a lot of the time.

My friends endearments make me feel put on pedestals. And though I may throw myself freely into unknowns that stretch imagination and reality...

I am afraid of heights and terrified of going to new places sometimes.

Though I make friends easily, love how beautiful the world of people is diverse and wild like a garden...

I feel incredibly claustrophobic at many times and have a strange wish that I had powers to render myself invisible. I distance myself from others with structures of esoteric knowledge and find my most blissful moments alone.

Though I may lead a spontaneous life, finding adventures at strange turns, and wander into new worlds alone..

I prefer the serenity and saneness of quiet days with good friends where little needs to be said and nothing is amiss in standing still.

Though I am told that I am beautiful, held in high regard, seen as graceful and feminine...

I feel awkward, goofy, and geeky... and I out of grace with my body. I study dance to practice grace and poise and find that it is my most challenging discipline.

Though I enjoymy freedoms, the streams of my thoughts and my ideas withou tinterruption.. Throwing myself into new passions and interests...and furthering my craft with each season...

I would like to enjoy being passionately in love and lose myself in my affections with someone, happily distracted.

Though I am independent, respected and seen as a model of strength and singularity...

I really feel quite vulnerable and fragile. I don't know if I am made of diamonds or glass. And I spend some quiet days questioning my contentment.

I wonder many times...

In my private wonderland.

JNET

Feeling Heavy in a Zen Sort of Way

I go through moments where I am sitting in the chair of emotions and then shortly, visited by lengths of peace. Disappointment and sadness punctuated the hours. The practical side of myself looked at these moments as ego based and in the peace of detachment....

I look to the future.

I expect a miracle.

A miracle? Like a walking across the water miracle? No... but something wonderfully unexpected, gracefully creative, captivatingly honest and inspiring. That's my dream. It makes walking away from anything less, easier.

Shall I let myself be free into the unknown to meet truth and my dream or shall I accept less and live a life caged in mediocrity and hopelessness? Sadness had exhausted me over the week. It stole the wind out of my week's dear victories and joys. But I remember the moment when a clearing came to pass.

"To be happy is only to have freed one's soul from the unrest of unhappiness"

-Maurice Maeterlinck

I spent the week in silence, too sad to play the piano, heavy hearted; trying to learn the lessons that Life was whispering.

I found my joy again in remembering that my life is about expecting miracles.

Life as a work of art.

I am looking forward to my tomorrows.

JNET

PHOTOS: The Silence of Me

My life is a constant celebration of challenge and thankfulness that it only makes sense that the parades and toastings meet their balance in the silence that is me.

My birthday this year has been phenomenal thus far... the challenges that are put up against my heart makes me wonder if I will burst. My car is broken and stalled in San Diego and I am using my mother's car in the meantime. Mom just had surgery and is on the mend staying with my brothers. She was having a terrible time over it and was awful to take care of over Mother's Day Weekend... She's much better now but not without jumping some hurdles.

Romancing LA is now podcasting 3 midnights a week at blogtalkradio so that I may practice more rigorously my public speaking skills while balancing out my teaching practice and personal fun time on a pin. I have yet to grow my discipline with writing... to eventually publish that book of mine.

Laughter... and lots of it personify the spirit of my family and friends. There's not much room for misery even though there are cars to fix and bills to pay. The sudden advances of a friend from the past caught me off guard but the attentions of XYZ trump all efforts.

I've face painted, danced, toasted, played and power relaxed in spaces of minutes in order to fit everything in... that it comes as a welcome haven to meet my silence once again to write, play the piano, nap, garden and reflect to catch my breath.

I miss no one when I dive into the depth of my thoughts. Today is Monday, May 19th and I am enjoying the first day of silence to myself for the month. My greatest memories are appreciated when the parade is allowed to quiet itself down and enjoy thankfulness in silence.

JNET

Undisappearing Myself

I didn't fall in love with anyone in particular. ... but I fell in love with a world. So much so that I haven't had time to write, to blog, to podcast.

Pretty intense.

As much as my world had expanded and I was dancing on top of it, parts of it exploded as if to test me if I had the wherewithall to keep standing and keep going. New friends, parties, studying dance brought in new adventures. Life already felt lux and then I moved up to a new thread count.

My roommate L was not happy with it.

Contempt.... is not something that I keep regularly in my emotional vocabulary. But it was what I became alarmingly present to everytime I crossed paths L. Her two month stay stretched to the six month point... where I recommended that she start looking to move out... L wore down her welcome mat to the bare threads by playing musical jobs and imposing her financial struggles upon me. Her personal and social life was a mystery to me. I never lived with someone so abrasive who consistently jabbed with butter knife precision and yet spread the jam on thick when needed.

After several months of story from her and subsidizing her shortcomings, I struggled with the issue of "throwing a girl out onto the street".... I was busy too and didn't have time to think about her while happily engaged in teaching and studying dance. My efforts at inviting her to my social circles had failed and so I brought my friends home where she openly disregarded them and insulted my guests. I saw a bit of madness that actually made me wary. My friends became concerned over my safety with this girl....

a writer who relished in her writings... stories of tormenting the family pet... among other disturbing things. Hard to know these things on the get go. L was a pretty Korean girl that looked normal but stored social grace in the bin.... She used social grace like medicine; to fix things.

Not wanting to be placated by another story from her, I invited my closest friends to witness and manage a confrontation with her. L had not paid rent and it was a week past. She was busy entertaining her out of town guest and both retreated to her room with barely a polite hello for me.

They packed in the middle of the night with no intention to ever pay rent and stole the mail key from my key chain (among other things)...

Yes... it was drama... a bump on the road of life but after a fresh coat of paint, I had several friends ready with prospective new roommates to fill the space. I chose one and gained new friends with the rest.

That was February...

My new roommate B is visiting from London. He wins everyone's heart upon meeting and has been incredibly easy to live with. Home life is a sanctuary and a party once again and so I am now "undisappearing" myself.

It really wasn't the roommate drama that kept me from writing anyway. It was my passion for dance and music actually. I had begun studying salsa to fill my tango void and I made new friends that became like family to me. A salsera friend also is a flutist and now we enjoy practicing chamber music.

So my world is full of music and dance and I'm loving it. In between measures, there are meals and drinks with friends... and over meals, scripts are practiced out loud, dance techniques are discussed or Mozart is analyzed.

A not a single tinge of contempt is in my world... there is no room for it.

I missed writing, blogging and podcasting.... I am undisappearing myself and saying hello again.

JNET

I'd Rather Dance Alone

Why does it sometimes have to feel like a battle to be myself?

I took some time to step into the sunshine only to meet with gunfire.

I had no idea that there was a war going on. I didn't know there was something terribly wrong that needed some righting.

The terribly wrong thing is my not being tied and gagged into a romantic relationship. That "something wonderful" that is being wished on me is that certain romance that I am willing to give up my music, my writing and my dance studies so that I can enjoy being a portable, adaptable all-inclusive entertainment system and put my personal therapist skills to "real" use. I would love to welcome a romance but don't see any point in entering the gates of love via uninspiring berating.

Is that the way of the world and I am totally off step?

Are people being successful at love through guilt trips, emotional shake downs and manipulative seductions?

Geez... I have been MISSING OUT being single. I've been having so much fun with my piano, my friends, family and rehearsals and practices that I had no idea what I was missing out in. I somehow thought that love was that special something that inspires you want to share everything about yourself with and not edit or closet or shut down the things that make you happy.

Is it just me or am I the only one who won't enter "loving" relationships via the guilt boat?

Happy sailing.

JNET

Life Loves Me

September is ushering in so much love into my life that it feels like God is tickling me silly.

I have sooo many new people in my life. I am absolutely charmed. I've gained almost a dozen new private students whose personalities have endeared themselves to me that I find it hard to entertain thoughts of packing up and moving back east.

I'm still doing "Tango til Midnight" dance class with the goth crowd. I've just arrived home and I have a BSF class in the morning that I'm looking forward to at 9:00am. Life is busy... incredibly busy. And yet I manage my private time to write, read a book and play the piano.

I am tackling the Iberia Suite by Isaac Albeniz. It's not easy but it is a nice obsession during my quiet time.

As I romance life, I find that life opens up more possibilites before me.

"What do you want? What is your wish?" Life asks...

"I want joy, creativity, abundance, growth, love, fun and adventure." I say.

And in being present to the possibility of magic in a spontaneous moment, I find that wishes do come true. It's September... and it feels like God is tickling me silly with so much love.

JNET

Aren't We A Pair

The mathematician said hello yesterday evening.

The ironies of Life never cease to amaze me.

We toasted to J and C last night at a concert in Descanso Gardens. J and C brought two extremely busy and resistent people, myself and the mathematican to a lunch several years ago. Our respective relationships with J and C disintegrated (putting it lightly) but nonetheless, I loved the irony and thought it worthy of a toast.

In the spirit of Mozart's playfulness, we lifted our cups to defy past enmities while The Marriage of Figaro played. If ever I was to describe a cosmic explosion, then I have to say that such happened the day I met this enigmatic man. I once thought romantic love was a plebeian pursuit that brought less than ideal realizations.

The world shook again as I sat at his side and wondered where the white rabbit was. I enjoyed my evening in wonderland and wish I could find my way there. Why can't I find it without the mathematician? A part of me still wants to deny that he has such power.

There were some days that the mathematician seem more mythical than real. And the times I see him, reality feels fantastic.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"Do you want to discuss metaphysics?"

"We can discuss nonsense or metaphysics, as long as we enjoy ourselves."

"So who was supposed to be your date tonight had I not come?"

"I had no date planned. S called last night to say he was playing in the orchestra and that he had a couple of tickets. I hadn't spoken to him in several months. This evening purely came out of spontaneity."

I didn't expect my invisible muse to make an appearance. I had grown comfortable with my epistolary hellos and never expected anything more than he be a listener and quiet force in my life.

Last night at the garden, all I could think of... was...

"Aren't we a pair?"

It was perfect. Two ascetics trying to navigate the terrain of a date. We laughed a lot and then we kissed goodbye.

Onto the romance of Life....

Hopefully, I will see my mathematician again.

JNET

Lessons From Beethoven

How to overcome misery....

Mulling over the topic for my show, I landed upon Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, "Ode to Joy"

Who knows better about putting OUT misery than the maestro himself. He never heard a note of his final symphony. Beethoven was deaf. He had given up playing the piano years and years before he composed the "Ode to Joy." Frustration at hearing sound fade away must've been profound...

And in the complete deep silence where only he could hear his thoughts did he write his Ninth Symphony.

What is Joy? Beethoven postulates... Is it power and dignity he poses through his first movement... Is it playfulness and cheer? The second movement is a blizzard of laughing notes. Is it peace and tranquility? The third movement celebrates like a sunset saying good evening.

No, Beethoven says to all these suggestions.

The fourth movement mows down the roses, the poises, the blizzard of baby's breath and a theme swells from a tiny low voice; perhaps the voice that Beethoven hears in the silence. The familiar theme that we all know as his Ninth grows and develops and dances finally from the choir.

Beethoven in his despairing deafness DEFIES to be a silent miserable soul. Instead, he creates a masterpiece.

What is joy? What is it that Beethoven teaches?

Joy breathes in consciousness... in the ability to think beyond the circumstance.. Beethoven created beyond his deafness, beyond the cruelties from a violent parent, beyond the limits of the common minute... and created himself in a way that eternity can sing his soul's frustrations, his struggles, and his hope and joy.

That.... is living life as an artform.

Listen to my blogtalkradio segment on Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" with special co-host Miss Diva of Dysfunctional Diatribe.

JNET