PHOTOS: Happy 2009 :)

I danced into 2008 with reckless abandon. By Spring I was ready to return to the comfort of myself and quiet...

I got so quiet that I took a break from writing, salsa dancing, podcasting and playing the piano. Its now 2009 and the most important place to me is the quiet that I find in my solitude.

To begin writing again...

And being myself again...

The borders of jnetsworld have stretched to new horizons. There are not enough words to express who I am now. But perhaps in pictures....

Snapshots of 2008...


My solitude found a family. (above: E, C and M)

My place was no longer only about my music and rehearsals. I danced for pure enjoyment to be with my friends to laugh and play. I am normally not as social as these three have drawn me out and stretched me. These three created the salsa dancer I am today... all great teachers, technique perfectionists, and friends ... who have made permanent marks into my heart and soul.. as well as a permanent home in jnetsworld :)

I learned how to make art with flips of laughter somersaults of silliness. I didn't miss my solitude. I didn't miss writing. The world fell apart in little ways with tiny dramas along the way... like disagreeable roommates... not having enough students. But I had my loyal friends and an energetic front line.

Spring 2008 was a wild garden. Jnetsworld was LIVELY and growing.


Work and play came to a new level. And salsa opened to expanding my love of photography. C was working on a friend's project and together we had good work chemistry. In turn, pulling the volume down on salsa and working me to a balance. I took lots of pictures... and I still didn't miss my solitude. Podcasting went on break... blogging went on break... new connections and roads were made.


My world of notes and words expanded into color. Friendships grew into creative bonds and projects were born. Jnetsworld's art is part of so many other worlds. So many new friends came into my quiet world this past year...



"Facebook ME." Became the hello to people that impressed themselves upon me.

Salsa dancing evolved to an at-home-only-with-friends activity. I danced only at KNL rehearsaI, saving my energy to concentrate on performing at the Ford. I had 6 hours at least of rigorous dancing during the hot summer months. I attempted podcasting but hit upon so many technical difficulties with the computer, phones and headsets.

I was writing and podcasting... but in my head and drafted thoughts collected in my archives... or became canned. The Ford performance was a sold-out success though.


Beyond dancing and photography. I sought to speak beyond my blog... beyond podcasting. I stepped away from my safe internet world and joined Toastmasters. Again, stretching myself away from solitude. I missed practicing the piano. I missed writing. But I was up to new things.


The question came up often....Where is my writing and podcasting? Where is the mathematician? I once blogged to document life. But I got caught up in so many different things and a mulitude of thoughts marched through my head... but I never sat down to really tie them down with my words. And a certain sensibility left me. Where did I leave my words, my reflections?

All on the backburner... Yes, I felt that tinge of "missing" but I was on an adventure that I know will lead me back to home.


In the space of new friends, my royal court of friends who have been with me through the years grew with me Thoughts were sorted through quick text messages. I am still so busy that the best way to reach me is via email or text messaging.

Busy with my work, my projects, my rehearsals, my friends and then of course ... my family.

A family with nieces and nephews... many brand new :) A family of brothers and sisters in law... a family with a mom who had two surgeries and a year of physical therapy. 2008 was intense and beautiful in the family front.


And it made me wonder....

Can I do all the things I love to do and build a kingdom for myself like my brothers??? I stretch my thoughts on salt shakerhood as I flirt with couplehood. I could be happy with work and solitude... and I could be happy in other ways too. I learned to look beyond that world called friendship. Through dance, someone wanted to show me a glimpse of the possibilities in his mind.


Love and life always teaches...one to grow... I am having a good and terrible time figuring out how my dreams will look like in the future...

I know I can always be happy with my world as it is... Full of friends, family, love, fun, adventures in work and play. That I still think of solitude and I think of me.

It is 2009... I am back to writing... and shortly to podcasting....

The mathematician did return .. by the way...after I shared with him the vision I was growing in my world, he thought it was a good time to say hello.. I have a couple of hellos on the go :) My mind is spinning with wonder... I can only hope to write more often to make sense of my world.


What makes sense for my world is the continuing journey. I am still playing with my color, with my music, with my words and with my dance.


2009 is going to be lots of fun...

I love watching life unfold. It's beautiful... isn't it? Happy New Year.

JNET

Random Thoughts of A Hurried Mind

2: 35am. Breakfast @ 8am. I'll be missing D's bikram yoga competition. Darn. My piano students. So little quiet time. Busy. And I still can't be still.

2:38am. Dancing salsa @ Sportsmen Lodge was fun. The day was full of serious and silly. Was it really Halloween? Intense over relationship talks with E. Private thoughts intense over things yet to be said. He loves me ... he loves me... and he loves me too. Life is dancing and I linger over the breaks of silence.

I only think of you... future... I miss you. Everything is perfect no matter what. Take it seriously but not too seriously. The possibilities are endless.

2:45. The adventure. I think of travelling solo and welcome that romance. Sky-diving tandem is fun but jumping alone doesn't fill me with lonliness. I love the excitement of being with myself as I steal into 2:48.

2:48. Breakfast with friends. Maybe I can leave a bit later. I'll still miss D's competition. Darn. so hard to be still.... as I remember that I also have dance rehearsal Sunday.

2:50. Time to force myself to sleep... as I indulge upon my solitude for random thoughts from a hurried mind.

Goodnight... good morning.... good night....

2:52

JNET

Delicious and Delicate Dreams

I can still remember the touch of his hand...

It's been a while since I've seen the mathematician. I've been busy living my life path and likewise he has been busy away with his rigorous studies.

But last night, I had the best dream of him (besides the sexy one where we ran off to New York) and it was so sweet.

No one seems to flavor a day just like him. His presence... whether in real time or dream time puts me in another space of quiet charm. I didn't want to wake up from this dream. He was cheerful as usual, ambitious and on the edge of exhaustion but confident and focused.... and stealing a moment that neither of us wanted to ever end.

Guarded - unguarded, pragmatic - cheerful, solitary - ambitious, confident - focused, reserved - generous, restrained - declaring... and sweetly, delicately... deliciously shyly sexy.... My dream brought me back to my mathematician and a delicate kindness that has not been since overshadowed despite an array of enthusiastic suitors. No one seems to flavor a day like him.

I woke up from the dream. Actually my dream was briefly interrupted by a phone call from my mother. My mathematician waited while I told my mom "yes, mom, I did pay that parking ticket." I had one foot in the dream world and another in the real world. "Gotta go, Mom! Bye!"

I was able to return to the dream where we walked forward sharing red licorice sticks and promising conversations before we parted ways and I was returned to the real world.

I wasn't sad when I woke up... Isn't that strange?

JNET

The Bizarre In My Head

I slept very well last night.

With the exception that I had a very wonkish nightmare night. I have no idea what to make of it but I thought I'd put the pieces on the table...

I dreamed that my face was sorely bruised. And yet everyone ignored it with uneasy glances. I dreamed of weird elevators under parks and fire stations. The one going down opened onto a slide... the one going back up, you had to slide yourself into something that looked like a mail slot.

I dreamed of people living in worlds surrounded by chainlink fences with openings that no one seemed to be curious over...

I woke up happy anyway thinking.... hmmm that was bizarre. What was that?

Was I upset that my "pain" was being ignored? No. What stood out to me was the pains that people went to ignore feeling... feeling connected to themselves and feeling beyond themselves.

The covert elevators led to unpleasant places but nothing that I couldn't walk away from... even if I had to lie down and slide to get away. What was remarkable to me was that people were having picnics by the elevators, knew they were there and hoped someone else would do the investigating for them. They were happy within the boundaries placed around them, even though there were gates to step away...

I had a wonka night.

If you see the elevators, take them. They aren't too scary. If you're into amusement parks, it's pretty tame.

JNET

Nightmare

All this talk about dating and relationships has done my head in.

I didn't mind letting the door be a bit more open for the conversaton. I enjoyed conversation about being open to possibility but the other talks that made me feel like a peg on the row of conformity made me feel ill at ease.

Instead of feeling open to a miracle, I feel something else awful.

And so I had a nightmare last night in which a guy wanted to offer me a neck massage while I carried on a casual conversation with friends. Next thing I noticed he was fiddling with my hair and that's when I stopped him from branding his initials into my head. He didn't get to finish and I was furious that he never considered how his actions would affect my life.

I just remember being upset pulling away from him telling him that I can't be seen branded like some animal. I couldn't dance or perform or teach with such an inconsideration placed upon me. And he didn't understand that I was unhappy.

It was awful.

It IS going to take a MIRACLE for me to fall in love.

JNET

Laughing at the Nightmare

I had another nightmare last night and I had preplanned how to handle it..

When the terrors began.. I thought, here we go again... I had some dread and went through my pronouncements to ward IT away. I found myself thinking... I'm tired.. I need some rest... go away... I can't be bothered... etcetera.

And then my nightmare took an interesting turn.. IT started to shake me.. Like IT was rousing me to wake up and I recall opening my eyes in my dream and I found myself being shaked up a bit and that something was with me under my canopy which I had closed up... I couldn't see it... I was being shook too fast and I didn't have my specs on.

And so I went through my pronouncements to ward IT away... I had a sense that I was tired and wanted to get some rest but this "nightmare" wanted to disrupt my evening and try to give me a scare.

I finally remembered something I read from C.S. Lewis' "Screwtape Letters" about laughing.... It's the quotes he chose before his first chapter...

"The best way to drive out the devil, if he will not yield to texts of Scripture, is to jeer and flout him, for he cannot bear scorn." Martin Luther

"The devil.. the prowde spirite... cannot endure to be mocked." Thomas More

And so I began to laugh... I was terribly tired and wanted to sleep.. and was able to shoo away my nightmare.

I have no idea why I am having nightmares lately. I guess I'll keep blogging it to analyze the patterns of what's going on "around" the nightmare. Dream dictionaries don't seem to spell it out for me... How to explain it in Freudian terms??... Jungian???? Is it my upbringing.. is it my parent's fault? Is it a spiritual issue?
Did I eat something that gives me nightmares? Am I experiencing a food allergy??

I don't know... I guess somewhere down the road, I'll chose a viewpoint that suits my fancy and purpose.

JNET

A Good Set of Z's

I read up on "Nightmares" and "Night Terrors" last night and concluded that I had not been getting enough rest and that my dream time was the only time I had to give myself a good stern talking.

Being one of those "lucky people" that can function on 3 hours of sleep, I had finally hit up against a wall... I had to take stock.

My students had been playing musical time slots and I had been flexible taking away time to sleep and eat this past month. In the past month, I have had 2 off days. I didn't see this as a burden largely because I do what I love with my time.

I'm doing many things that I love that I'm hitting up against time conflicts with things I wish I could fit in my life. Perhaps that explains the cacophony of sound in my dreams.

The death of a loved one perhaps represents my fear of not coming through for people I care about and the face of the offensive woman is a warning to not humor toxic friendships. The woman is the spookiest element because she is a toxic friend that I had let go some time ago and she has reappeared right after my dream of her.

My personal time has been greatly limited these past couple of months that I have not humored any toxic or time consuming friendships. Perhaps the dream is just another reminder to stave off from questionable persons that demand of my time... if there is a premonition to be had... it's too stay away from the girl.

And stay with the chorus of friends that I have enjoy within the verses of my daily life.

I'll see how productive I can create my days within less hours. That's my goal for this coming month.

JNET

Time to Slow Down

I went to bed at my normal crazy hour after a great evening with friends.

I literally sleep with the angels every night. I have a little lamp with angels holding musical instruments at my bedside table. I keep it on through the day and night... it is my "perpetual candle" with the help of Mr. Edison.

Last night, after getting my room in order, I checked my clock and set my alarm and went to bed with a good book on metaphysics before settling into the cosiest place I know; I said my prayers as I do every single evening... thanking God for this and that.. telling his angels to tell my mathematician that I adore him and then closed my eyes.

I was sitting up in less than an hour after an arduous battle in dreamland. I experienced sounds as if bouncing through a prism. I woke up screaming.

My roommate slept through everything in her side of the house.

I rarely have bad dreams and last night marked my second evening of nightmares. I turned on the BIG light and went back to sleep after checking my clock and confirming that no monsters nor dragons had messed up my bedsheets.

Since this is so unusual for me, I have something odd to analyze this week.

My roommate speculated it might be from eating dinner late. Some folks think that eating cheese can give nightmares. I did afterall, have some brie with a glass of white before dinner.

Is it from stress? I have been pushing myself through rehearsals and lessons and life in general. Do I simply need to slow down or maybe go on vacation?

Someone speculated that I may be surrounded by negativity. This one didn't quite resonate with me considering that I have a great circle of loyal friends who are positive and upbeat. Do I have an enemy waiting at the door who is bitter and full of envy? I don't answer those doors... I'm too busy... if there is a wave of negativity waiting to crash on me.. that wave will have to wait indefinitely for me to give it the time of day.

I don't watch scary movies. I don't humor toxic people and the cheese verdict sounds too much like an old wives' tale.

Perhaps it's a combinations of many variables... Two nightmares within the past four days. Interesting.

One thing is certain. I should slow down and get more rest.

JNET

WORD UP: Walking With God

This week's BSF study was over Genesis Chapter Five.

I found it encouraging especially after yesterday's nightmare experience. I was able to "catch up with myself" and put my fears aside and actually breathe again with God. Completing my homework this morning, I found myself back on track.

I was inspired by one specific person of the Bible's many run-downs of lineages and that person is Enoch who "walked with God and then was no more because God took him away.

Enoch was known to all as someone of great faith and I can only imagine how everyone felt when they noticed that he was missing. Where IS he? Why is he missing? How can he be missing?

He and God were pretty tight that I'm sure everyone was amazed when they finally got it (after they freaked out).... that Enoch was plucked from his earthly existence without experiencing death as everyone on the genealogy list did. No one can say that he died on such and such day... He was the one that made family story time mysterious and full of awe. And folks lived pretty long back in the day to pass a story down. Remember the day "Uncle Enoch" disappeared in thin air??? A somber hush would follow... OOOHHHH yes.

It didn't create a family upset because Enoch's son was the longest living person in the Bible... Methuselah.. 969 years. Enoch chose an interesting name for his son. It meant "judgment will follow at the end of his life"... The flood came soon after his death.

We studied a few sections of genealogies this week and made note of the changing spans of longevity as time went on further away from the days of Adam. People lived less longer as time went on. With that, my imagination takes flight....

If it's been said that we don't use own modern brains to full capacity, is it possible that we don't communicate, relate, listen, talk to God in full capacity? Are we walking with God at a slower rate? Have we placed so much in between the gap of who we are in our human experience and God? Are we relating to God in first gear only? Where would we take our lives with God if we drove full throttle? Have we lost some sophistication of spirit over the generations? What ways of relating have we lost along the way?

These will be my questions to put to my group today at Bible study. I'm looking forward to my crazy intense life... I woke up from a nightmare yesterday but I walked straight to God with my thoughts and fears. Nightmares... stories of stress and troubles are distractions from the promises of God that we can have today and everyday. We...our illusions of ourselves separate us from our true identities and joy of life.

Yesterday, I had a nightmare. I analyzed it and created power from it. I didn't want to give any credit to the dragon.

I don't belong to the dragon. I belong to God.

Today, I woke up in the clouds.

If you are interested in checking out a BSF class in your area. Check out their website. It's an international study and every first week of the month, guests may come in and check out a class. Register yourself in if it suits you.

JNET

Catching Up With Myself

I began the day waking up from a nightmare. I very rarely have them. I am disturbed by how much of it I still remember. I "witnessed" something horrible, a fatal accident that had been caused by the insolence of a person's indulgent whim for attention.

I clearly saw "her face" and it wasn't a face that I wanted to dream about. I went to bed thinking about good things and this girl was the last person in the world that I wanted to think about. But there she was... being the conduit of confusion and chaos; demanding yet oblivious that the world did not center on her fancies. And I watched in my dream, someone run to her call with intention of friendship and aid... and he tripped to his death... a clumsy, bumpy, horrific, and accidental death.

I woke up quite shaken and have been on the edge over every phone call. Has Halloween gotten me spooked? Is someone really about to die? Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed by the amount of commitments I have and the dream world is telling me to slow down.

And oddly enough, that face of chaos, mysteriously reappeared in my life after no contact since the spring. She decided to call on me today and leave a message of hello.... And now I am a little more anxious as I keep a more vigilant eye on life and say extra prayers for blessings and protection.

Did I will her into my life or did I see her coming? Do I associate stress and burdens with her?

I don't know.

All I know is that my plate is full...

A mother has requested that her son work on a concerto for his bar mitvah. The music doesn't exist for his level and so I am arranging it for him. She prefers that he plays music the level that I'm practicing for MY study and that I teach it to him by rote... and all I can think is... ????????? I had to get through some other literature before I could touch the stuff I'm playing now.

My schedule is booked from 7am to 8pm... some commitments have me til 11pm. I try to collect myself in the few hours between to read and write. I feel excited, exhausted, exhilarated and enthusiastic. I am finding and needing time to socialize in order to keep the balance right but I experience a little anxiety because that requires TIME... But, I realize that if I don't plan such times, I truly will find myself out of balance faster. Living.. LIVING is what lends to the dynamics of my life and creativity. And so I have to schedule spending time with friends and continue my little rituals that make my life sane.

I don't have time for nightmares.

Maybe it's the dragon trying to trip me up. Sorry dragon, I am not playing.

I have my bible study homework to complete for tomorrow morning's class.

I'm spending lunch time with P for his birthday.

A and I need to get some stuff to prepare for our Halloween party this Friday night.

I have a script to write and I have research to do in preparation for a Saturday meeting out of town.

I have students to teach in the afternoon.

And I go straight to dance rehearsal and will be there until 10pm...

After that I will go home to read and write some more... maybe squish in a little bit of piano.

And then I have a 7am commitment Friday morning..... and I'll need to leave my home by 6:30am at the very latest. I have a commitment at 1pm back home. I'll teach a couple of students as they get out of school... after which I'll dash home and get dressed up and prepare to host a Halloween party.

And then I have a Saturday commitment out of town... I return the same day in the evening. Hopefully, I'll be able to fit in some time to practice, tidy my room, pay bills. I have rehearsal a good bulk of time on Sunday... but will finally be able to maybe sit still afterwards.

I hope to fit some time to blog... it's my way to catch up with myself... to write and then read my life..

and reflect....so that's what I'm up to these days....

And I do all this without the aid of coffee.

JNET