stunning solitude

---

Surrounded by people, Solitude finds a second to wink at me and I realize a magical silent moment....

There are at least four people in this shot. I waited a moment for the baby stroller to move out of the frame. And for a few seconds, it was only me and the garden.

Some need activities to raise their energy. I need quiet time. This weekend, I played the piano some and made notes for my chiro.

My left hand feels weightier and energetic while my right hand feels like a ghost. If I was a director, I'd tell my right hand that it needs to work on it's presence and projection. My right hand still shakes. I entertained random questions like how would I keep very still if I had to hide from a ghost or raptors that broke out from a science lab.

I had to figure out a few positions to find my stillness. My imagination was entertained. It made pain less dominant.

How my world sounds when I find stillness...

The neighbor downstairs cooing at her puppies and the puppies' happy response. The neighbor upstairs singing to himself. The rhythmic whoosh of cars going along Laurel Canyon. Sometimes it's the birds singing, another part of the day, it's the kids at play in the schoolyard, and summer evenings, it's the crickets singing.

Solitude is stunning when you can enjoy its conversation and not be interrupted.

A bit of homework I give my students is to write down 10 things they hear while sitting alone at their piano. I enjoy their lists. The "list" was inspired by a violinist friend when I shared having several piano students who did not have an instrument to practice on. Aside from "air piano" practice, what else can I suggest to help them grow? Hence, the "what do you hear when you are alone" list; an exercise to fine tune how one listens.

It's not only about what you hear but also how you listen.

What do you hear in your solitude? I hope it's stunning.

JNET

---

love is a compass

The world laments hardship. It would be easy to indulge into it with a mere click and resign into its normalcy.

Certain days may happen and feel like demanding brats. But what kind of negativity slayer would I be to allow such days to spoil my world?

This year is a total turnaround from last. From a space of silence, noise that hid within the complex harmony of life exposed itself. Good friends sat with my silence and gave me stories of strength and visions of hope when I couldn’t write. I decided to study flamenco dance so that my love for art and expression can have a voice, rhythm and structure.

How to save a life? Therapy? I chose art. Reading music gave me blurring headaches, I was too broken for words and all color and design lost its click appeal. Dance was it; specifically flamenco. I immersed myself, learning new counts, words, how to hold my arms. I learned choreography to bulerias, tangos, sevillanas, guajiras, fandangos, siguiriyas. Dance pieced me back together along with a handful of dear people.

This year I began playing the piano again and the blurring headache is at bay. I’m studying flamenco at least 5 hours a week. I’m having friends over and feel like making new ones. I’ve returned to my Filipino dance group and we’re rehearsing at least 8 hours a week preparing to perform at the Getty in a couple of weeks….the Skirball and Hollywood Bowl later this summer. My truest friends shined during my darkest year and helped a silent artist find its way.

This negativity slayer learned that no battle is won alone. The sequoia tree does not stand alone. Below the ground level is a constellation of intertwining roots. And due to my roots, I was able to heal in silence, find music again through dance, feel comfortable to perform and find the words to say hello rugged angels. It is possible to love your life and live a life worth living even after the darkest and silent time.

JNET

QUIET in JNETSWORLD... please....

I am living solo and enjoying a new peace of mind. I think I'll consider a no roommate life indefinitely. Roommate as defined as having a person share living space for the prominent reason of surviving on a financial basis.

ABC: "Relationships are ruined by money."

JNET: "Relationships are ruined by lack of respect, kindness and graciousness. Blaming money is a lazy choice and you avoid looking into the whole relating part."

Anyway, a huge noise in my life has moved on and I had to realize very sadly that my friend that had lived with me was doomed from the beginning compromised by the things on their plate of life. I will be more discriminating in who to help and be close to in the future.

Who am I to be helpful anyway? I have enough on my plate.

It was naive of me. I know that now. But we all do that sometimes, care about someone that proves to be not such a wise idea after all is said and done. The social currency went out of balance when no quantity of compliments could cover the incurring sense that I was not as cherished a friend.

I find myself retreating now. I am not feeling like obliging an audience with just anyone who wishes to say hello or even be helpful. Especially if they are saying hello from a darkness that I do not understand or a darkness that they seem more comfortable with than I would.

Hark! Who goes there?

A friend.

What friend would I want to refuse to join my world that celebrates love, friendship and family? Will I now refuse the friend that is in trouble?

I will be refusing those who do not help themselves, have created a lifestyle depending on the goodwill of people and have a casualty list of those that got squashed while trying to catch them.

G: "It happens. Losing friends."

JNET: "It happens? Its still doesn't make it something to be apathetic about when it is happening more often that you'd like to admit. I may get engaged into my work but I don't drop friends."

Building one's world and one's life is an act of love and creativity. And one's world is a precious space and that value extends to friends and family. Many many many came to my side immediately and took initiatives into healing my space. I am grateful for that and it made me realize that my home is a safe place for many friends.

For now, I am choosing solitude and being more discriminating. My truest friends stand at the ready while I rest from the "construction".

Now it is I who is rebuilding myself.

JNET

Peacing Myself

I am back to a practicing the piano routine, as well as a writing / blogging routine. I have a photography shoot coming up in a few weeks and my dance group is in hiatus.

I feel like last year was about painting this huge mural (figuratively). It is now 2009 and I look at the many things I did last year and think... wow... I suppose I was a bit of a mad artist.

My piano chops had some fun for a little bit with a spell of intimate concerts at home with a flutist friend who is also a salsa friend. Those little gatherings at home were accompanied with small dance parties . All that sound and music activity gave way to an energy to put into blogging and podcasting. I went a bit extreme in countering my interrupted podcasting life by doing a show everyday for a week or so.. tapering to three a week until dance rehearsals became demanding and coupled with technical difficulties; a break from podcasting was needed.

Quieter my life became... summer dance rehearsals kicked salsa off my plate... Being tired and physically not up for extra demands other than my yoga and pilates practice ... I even stopped playing the piano. My teaching practice grew... and grew. I have students in a flying pattern to return to a open slot.

My life once had space to think and practice. How did it get so full? What do I think about all of this overwhelming "fullness?" Thank God. What else is there to think? I do want an even fuller life... paint bigger murals (figuratively)... therefore, I am working out the balance.

2008 was a workout... physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, intellectually...

I didn't want to sit still in my free time. I wanted to lie down!

Mom was having her second surgery of the year and the demands were up there... I pressed on as I am compelled to do. I kept up with my photography gigs though - for that project with a friend seemed to be my quietest project.

I rang in the new year ready to embrace solitude again yet was happy to share the day with gentle spirit people.

It's week two. I was in a car accident (minor) last week. My car is dinged but I am not. I am settling myself down.

I am peacing myself. And wishing peace to you.

JNET

Odd, Honest, And Beautiful

Surely there must be others who are living a charmed, odd, beautiful life...

It's my flavor.

Other flavors I notice from friends,

....loves individuality and being outspoken.

....loves being supportive and quiet from the sidelines.

....loves the obstacle of stressful events to manage and hopefully win over..

One can be loud, another quiet... another an adrenaline rush.

What's your flavor?

JNET

PHOTOS: Happy 2009 :)

I danced into 2008 with reckless abandon. By Spring I was ready to return to the comfort of myself and quiet...

I got so quiet that I took a break from writing, salsa dancing, podcasting and playing the piano. Its now 2009 and the most important place to me is the quiet that I find in my solitude.

To begin writing again...

And being myself again...

The borders of jnetsworld have stretched to new horizons. There are not enough words to express who I am now. But perhaps in pictures....

Snapshots of 2008...


My solitude found a family. (above: E, C and M)

My place was no longer only about my music and rehearsals. I danced for pure enjoyment to be with my friends to laugh and play. I am normally not as social as these three have drawn me out and stretched me. These three created the salsa dancer I am today... all great teachers, technique perfectionists, and friends ... who have made permanent marks into my heart and soul.. as well as a permanent home in jnetsworld :)

I learned how to make art with flips of laughter somersaults of silliness. I didn't miss my solitude. I didn't miss writing. The world fell apart in little ways with tiny dramas along the way... like disagreeable roommates... not having enough students. But I had my loyal friends and an energetic front line.

Spring 2008 was a wild garden. Jnetsworld was LIVELY and growing.


Work and play came to a new level. And salsa opened to expanding my love of photography. C was working on a friend's project and together we had good work chemistry. In turn, pulling the volume down on salsa and working me to a balance. I took lots of pictures... and I still didn't miss my solitude. Podcasting went on break... blogging went on break... new connections and roads were made.


My world of notes and words expanded into color. Friendships grew into creative bonds and projects were born. Jnetsworld's art is part of so many other worlds. So many new friends came into my quiet world this past year...



"Facebook ME." Became the hello to people that impressed themselves upon me.

Salsa dancing evolved to an at-home-only-with-friends activity. I danced only at KNL rehearsaI, saving my energy to concentrate on performing at the Ford. I had 6 hours at least of rigorous dancing during the hot summer months. I attempted podcasting but hit upon so many technical difficulties with the computer, phones and headsets.

I was writing and podcasting... but in my head and drafted thoughts collected in my archives... or became canned. The Ford performance was a sold-out success though.


Beyond dancing and photography. I sought to speak beyond my blog... beyond podcasting. I stepped away from my safe internet world and joined Toastmasters. Again, stretching myself away from solitude. I missed practicing the piano. I missed writing. But I was up to new things.


The question came up often....Where is my writing and podcasting? Where is the mathematician? I once blogged to document life. But I got caught up in so many different things and a mulitude of thoughts marched through my head... but I never sat down to really tie them down with my words. And a certain sensibility left me. Where did I leave my words, my reflections?

All on the backburner... Yes, I felt that tinge of "missing" but I was on an adventure that I know will lead me back to home.


In the space of new friends, my royal court of friends who have been with me through the years grew with me Thoughts were sorted through quick text messages. I am still so busy that the best way to reach me is via email or text messaging.

Busy with my work, my projects, my rehearsals, my friends and then of course ... my family.

A family with nieces and nephews... many brand new :) A family of brothers and sisters in law... a family with a mom who had two surgeries and a year of physical therapy. 2008 was intense and beautiful in the family front.


And it made me wonder....

Can I do all the things I love to do and build a kingdom for myself like my brothers??? I stretch my thoughts on salt shakerhood as I flirt with couplehood. I could be happy with work and solitude... and I could be happy in other ways too. I learned to look beyond that world called friendship. Through dance, someone wanted to show me a glimpse of the possibilities in his mind.


Love and life always teaches...one to grow... I am having a good and terrible time figuring out how my dreams will look like in the future...

I know I can always be happy with my world as it is... Full of friends, family, love, fun, adventures in work and play. That I still think of solitude and I think of me.

It is 2009... I am back to writing... and shortly to podcasting....

The mathematician did return .. by the way...after I shared with him the vision I was growing in my world, he thought it was a good time to say hello.. I have a couple of hellos on the go :) My mind is spinning with wonder... I can only hope to write more often to make sense of my world.


What makes sense for my world is the continuing journey. I am still playing with my color, with my music, with my words and with my dance.


2009 is going to be lots of fun...

I love watching life unfold. It's beautiful... isn't it? Happy New Year.

JNET

Love Is In The Air... and I Am Feeling Claustrophobic

My facebook marriages, engagements, and relationships crescendo-ed to a quiet and peaceful single status. Meanwhile my real-time experiments enjoyed some happy practice time with the occasional mess up. I slowly found my un-JNET status of participating in salt shaker activity a bit of a challenge.

This silly year has been full of play. The podcasting habit slipped AGAIN, my blog writing routine disrupted - but I can do double turns when I salsa and I've been dancing and performing. Having added Pilates to cross train against dance and yoga, I can continue my ice cream indulgences with E after an evening of dance and then some.

And yet, all the ice cream in the world coupled up with fun and affection cannot cover over the growing frustration of having not been productive in my writing and piano practice, leading me to think that dating and a future of salt-shakering... ie pairing up is going to take more mindful thought and discipline. I also entertain the possibility of being a confirmed bachelorette.

Not to blow my mind at a minor level, the mathematician resurfaced full of sunshine and charm. He is so easy to adore. His conversations still have its way of pinning me against the wall as we entertain universal truths within details. Hot geeks unite... ha.

To salsa? To tango? To read a book? To watch a movie? To be together? To be alone....

Love is in the air...

And I am feeling claustrophobic.

Lucky me?

JNET

Random Thoughts of A Hurried Mind

2: 35am. Breakfast @ 8am. I'll be missing D's bikram yoga competition. Darn. My piano students. So little quiet time. Busy. And I still can't be still.

2:38am. Dancing salsa @ Sportsmen Lodge was fun. The day was full of serious and silly. Was it really Halloween? Intense over relationship talks with E. Private thoughts intense over things yet to be said. He loves me ... he loves me... and he loves me too. Life is dancing and I linger over the breaks of silence.

I only think of you... future... I miss you. Everything is perfect no matter what. Take it seriously but not too seriously. The possibilities are endless.

2:45. The adventure. I think of travelling solo and welcome that romance. Sky-diving tandem is fun but jumping alone doesn't fill me with lonliness. I love the excitement of being with myself as I steal into 2:48.

2:48. Breakfast with friends. Maybe I can leave a bit later. I'll still miss D's competition. Darn. so hard to be still.... as I remember that I also have dance rehearsal Sunday.

2:50. Time to force myself to sleep... as I indulge upon my solitude for random thoughts from a hurried mind.

Goodnight... good morning.... good night....

2:52

JNET

Feeling Heavy in a Zen Sort of Way

I go through moments where I am sitting in the chair of emotions and then shortly, visited by lengths of peace. Disappointment and sadness punctuated the hours. The practical side of myself looked at these moments as ego based and in the peace of detachment....

I look to the future.

I expect a miracle.

A miracle? Like a walking across the water miracle? No... but something wonderfully unexpected, gracefully creative, captivatingly honest and inspiring. That's my dream. It makes walking away from anything less, easier.

Shall I let myself be free into the unknown to meet truth and my dream or shall I accept less and live a life caged in mediocrity and hopelessness? Sadness had exhausted me over the week. It stole the wind out of my week's dear victories and joys. But I remember the moment when a clearing came to pass.

"To be happy is only to have freed one's soul from the unrest of unhappiness"

-Maurice Maeterlinck

I spent the week in silence, too sad to play the piano, heavy hearted; trying to learn the lessons that Life was whispering.

I found my joy again in remembering that my life is about expecting miracles.

Life as a work of art.

I am looking forward to my tomorrows.

JNET

SS: Crashing From the Dopamine Or This Thing Called Love

It was a brain dropping perhaps, the downswing of a dopamine high.

For a little while, life seemed perfect. I didn't need to sleep and I was exceptionally happy. Happy to be charmed and outwitted. A fault in theory did not hold up to argument and debate.

He could not make a case and I could not hold my regard.

I was surprised that I hadn't lowered my head from the clouds sooner. I suppose I can blame it on a darwinian fever; a human nature lending me to feel strongly emotional.

A shot blasted through my little heaven and the balance was tilted. I found no landing; no steady ground to stand upon.

I fell.

For several days now, I've allowed silence to settle in me. I fasted and sought ways to iron out my thoughts from my fantasies. Was I a part of an unfolding miracle or was I simply riding out a chemical reaction?

The beauty of it was fleeting. All songs and music over it was muted. And I found myself in a cage, feeling hungry when I have never suffered from hunger... the air was thin and I did not find freedom in new horizons,

I did not find license to be fully expressed. Now, I am an explosion of words seeking homes for displaced ideals.

Is it a neural itch from which I did not find peace. Did I find love in the space of chaos? I don't know. I didn't have the patience to tolerate the growing incongruence. Let me blame it on the moon or a lack of good chocolate. Let the crash be blamed on a glitch in the matrix.

I suppose it was not a sturdy structure. I suppose it was a vulnerable design. Understanding and value did not grow. A match was never made. It was humored... and then humored... and then humored til the punchline was lost. The polypeptide party was cancelled. Happiness met anger in hallways and the noise from the other side of the door finally spilled through the crack and brought the house down.

Today, I watched the dawn alone and in the silence found that my ideals are safe at home. I am not lost or alone but rather I am in a space of learning and leaning on the understanding of the one who loves me...

I wait upon only one.

JNET

SS: Courting The Dreams of My Mind

Despite a life spurning salt shaker ritual as plebian, I cannot say that I do not dream of love.

Los Angeles can be a very isolating, maddening and lonely place. I listen to those who lament the loneliness of not possessing a partner. I listen to those who hurt for not being possessed. I am only inspired further to seek the uncommon to trump my doubts.

JNET: "I'm looking for a king."

E: "A king?"

JNET: "But a specific type of king. There are many kinds of kings and I am looking for the best one for me."

I have crossed paths with many kings and the mathematician was my favorite. But like Queen Sheba who spent a season with King Solomon sharing riddles and wisdom, I had returned to rule my world with lessons from admiring someone so powerful and kind. His deliberateness in silence, word and action amazed me for I never met anyone as mindful and unhindered. He claimed everything in his path. Not many people show such dominion and grace. I usually meet people who'd rather live by their fears than their dreams.

I chose to leave. We had our respective worlds to build.

And yet I keep my regard for this passing king, not necessarily hoping that he returns but in faith that others will come. Others who will understand the testing of wisdom and solving of riddles. Others who will show that my passing king was just a glimpse of the future, a king who engenders goodwill and power.

I do dream of happily ever afters... I pass on the distractions of happy for now relationships. It is far better to be rule my world alone than in partnership with chaos.

I seek the uncommon.

JNET

SS: Practicing Salt Shaker Life

Notoriously single, I decided to get married the easiest way I knew possible;

I married one of my facebook buddies...

JNET: "E, do you mind confirming me as your wife? If you don't mind playing along, I'd like to marry you this week."

The announcement... specifically, my facebook status update, coincidentially landed during a weekend I was planning to visit Las Vegas for the first time. Predictably, the plan was cancelled.

My first hello came from a friend in Kuwait... followed by half a dozen others from around the country...

A: "You got married !! OMG !! Congratulations !!! All the best sis :)"

Close friends suspected I would be spontaneous enough for a Vegas wedding but the glaring clue that made it questionable was that they all knew I will only marry on a specific date. I also began putting up crazy updates to entertain my friends to clue them in that I was playing a game... such as;

"JNET is honeymooning to planet XYZ in an ice cream truck..... JNET is drawing out her wedding portrait with crayons."

My current status update is:

"JNET is lost in a time travel catatonic state due to a stupid penny."

Would becoming part of a salt shaker set be fatalistic to enjoying solitude? As I enjoy both worlds through facebook, I see that a huge part of my identity is my singularity in living a soloist life.

So... I promised to marry half a dozen other friends on my facebook during the summer.

Solitude... my silence makes me sane. Is it possible to have it all? Solitude, silence AND a salt shaker life?

Perhaps my boardgame mantra fits here:

"I hate to lose (a boardgame) but I enjoy a good beating."

I am enjoying the shock, the hellos and the congratulations. Despite being the type of person that doesn't like to speak to anyone before noon unless I have to, I've been stretching my self in practicing "relationship" in my own ways.

Status updates to follow (on facebook)

:)

JNET

PHOTOS: The Silence of Me

My life is a constant celebration of challenge and thankfulness that it only makes sense that the parades and toastings meet their balance in the silence that is me.

My birthday this year has been phenomenal thus far... the challenges that are put up against my heart makes me wonder if I will burst. My car is broken and stalled in San Diego and I am using my mother's car in the meantime. Mom just had surgery and is on the mend staying with my brothers. She was having a terrible time over it and was awful to take care of over Mother's Day Weekend... She's much better now but not without jumping some hurdles.

Romancing LA is now podcasting 3 midnights a week at blogtalkradio so that I may practice more rigorously my public speaking skills while balancing out my teaching practice and personal fun time on a pin. I have yet to grow my discipline with writing... to eventually publish that book of mine.

Laughter... and lots of it personify the spirit of my family and friends. There's not much room for misery even though there are cars to fix and bills to pay. The sudden advances of a friend from the past caught me off guard but the attentions of XYZ trump all efforts.

I've face painted, danced, toasted, played and power relaxed in spaces of minutes in order to fit everything in... that it comes as a welcome haven to meet my silence once again to write, play the piano, nap, garden and reflect to catch my breath.

I miss no one when I dive into the depth of my thoughts. Today is Monday, May 19th and I am enjoying the first day of silence to myself for the month. My greatest memories are appreciated when the parade is allowed to quiet itself down and enjoy thankfulness in silence.

JNET

SS: Waiting On Inspiration

He loves me... he loves me not yet... he loves me... he loves me not yet...

My muse has been MIA and still I am happy. A moment of missing him and sadness would come across me but a new moment would wash the feelings away.

I stopped writing. Looking at my archives, I see I've gone away for quite awhile. I've come back from my proverbial bermuda triangle where many wacky things occurred. I danced into a new world and gained a couple of new friends.

JNET: "Now if I can only squeeze you two into one person that is irresistibly kissable, then I have found true love."

I battle that side of me that looks upon salt shaker coupledom with skepticism. Isn't my true love "art"? Solitude had been my best friend.... a happy relationship supported by friends likewise engaged in their art, livimg lives that center around work that is synonymous to play and passion. We socialize over rehearsals, concerts, recitals, cd and book release parties... Not anti-social... perhaps just striving to be unencumbered and impatient toward frivolity.

A random day brought a collision of three people to an innocuous game night for Cranium and Catchphrase and a clan was born. Like long-lost bestfriends from third grade reunited finally after college, we tumble; silly and serious... - philosophical conversations segue to a cocktail and a boardgame moves on to practice a bachata. Eclectic and quirky... devoted without the secret oaths and carefree, I'm still not quite sure what's happened.

I absolutely adore C & E. They embrace individualism and balance sensitivity toward a collective connection. Their "distraction" has not deprived me of my art... True, I was not writing and I was not practicing the piano. At first I thought it was because I had lost sight of my muse. Still the thought of the mathematician brings warm feelings of affection over me. The power of mythology prevails. Interestingly, I returned with a new fire to my work, tailoring my time to include a new world and enjoying that I don't have to lose my style of solitude.

He loves me... he loves me not yet... he loves me... he loves me not yet....

Funny, I thought I needed my muse for inspiration... Rather, I'm finding that I am already inspired and enjoying the dynamic of others makes for a more interesting experience for me to express..

JNET

I'd Rather Dance Alone

Why does it sometimes have to feel like a battle to be myself?

I took some time to step into the sunshine only to meet with gunfire.

I had no idea that there was a war going on. I didn't know there was something terribly wrong that needed some righting.

The terribly wrong thing is my not being tied and gagged into a romantic relationship. That "something wonderful" that is being wished on me is that certain romance that I am willing to give up my music, my writing and my dance studies so that I can enjoy being a portable, adaptable all-inclusive entertainment system and put my personal therapist skills to "real" use. I would love to welcome a romance but don't see any point in entering the gates of love via uninspiring berating.

Is that the way of the world and I am totally off step?

Are people being successful at love through guilt trips, emotional shake downs and manipulative seductions?

Geez... I have been MISSING OUT being single. I've been having so much fun with my piano, my friends, family and rehearsals and practices that I had no idea what I was missing out in. I somehow thought that love was that special something that inspires you want to share everything about yourself with and not edit or closet or shut down the things that make you happy.

Is it just me or am I the only one who won't enter "loving" relationships via the guilt boat?

Happy sailing.

JNET

A Stretch Away From Solitude

Slow... slow ... quick quick ... slow..

Next week is my last week of tango class.. the instructor is going to switch it up to Viennese Waltz to mix things up for a bit this November. So many fun things to do... and so little time!

I am enjoying my teaching practice. My students are a pleasure to be with and I feel energized after my teaching sessions. If I could just only live on music, writing and dance....

I suppose I tried and did not succeed. Not having any hungers other than for art, I pushed my body where I mentally could go but not with my body. I fainted while teaching and spent last weekend in the hospital on a mandatory bedrest.

This week of "taking it easy" has been challenging. ALL of my friends live similarily FULL and intensive lives. How does one slow down on a lifestyle that has been set since before high school? I never was the type to sit down to a ritual of watching television for a couple hours a day. I've ALWAYS had rehearsals or some sort of practicing, reading or projects to immerse myself into....

Today is Sunday...a do nothing day.... I'm skipping out of attending rehearsal and I'm going to enjoy quiet and relaxation... Maybe enjoy a good laugh with a friend or even watch a funny movie :)

Slow... slow... quick quick... slow...

Enjoying the slow parts dancing with life....

JNET

SS: Tango-ing Thoughts

Slow... slow... quick quick... slow..

Promenade, grapevines, rock, lock, box, ochos, serpentines...

I am loving the choreography sequence being taught at my tango class.

But as I visit tango world for my dancing fix, studying how to use the body in a skilled art form, I am conscious of the fact that I am surrounded by salt shakers, that ubiquitous presence of pairs. Though I am grateful to "borrow" a guy for a dance, I become aware that perhaps my singularity is peculiar.

But I am a girl who goes to weddings, baby showers, and restaurants ALONE. And tango is for salt shakers ultimately.

It's been two weeks since I've seen the mathematician. We've since retreated to our work, the serenity of personal solitudes and I am still struck by the aftereffects of his presence. Still, I had a great evening with JC who made me a dinner that put me on the moon and I enjoy the hellos of several sweet.... potential shakers?

What is tango doing to me?

Hmm... maybe I should've signed up for flamenco instead.

JNET

The Heat That Gets To Me

Perpetually optimistic and perpetually pruning jnetsworld. I continue growing my world despite disappointment and setbacks.

But sometimes the heat does get to me and so I break out in heat rashes and get nosebleeds. It is never fun to feel compromised. I played into people's agendas this week thinking that I was in a clearing for friendship but later found myself in gallows of contempt.

I won't take it too personally. In being a witness to my friend's pains, I was naive to think that I can offer some comfort and not be overtaken by strong currents. I have a slight sense of malaise from offering myself. If I feel exhausted and ill, I can only imagine the pains they are feeling.

M: "You have tons of positive energy."

J: "I spend a great deal of time alone to generate it."

If I don't want confusion in my life, I clear out confusing situations and people. If I want integrity and stability, I surround myself with people who are committed and calm. Having "tons of positive energy" is not an accident.

And having "static interference" in my "tons of positivity" supply is not weird and unexplainable. The heaviness of friends' woes was laid upon me this past week and life got too hot and uncomfortable.

The happy masks upon the table?

I think by design we were made for joy... and its not smiling masks on the table that one struggles with... rather one struggles with masks of fears... imaginary phantoms of grief, aged stories not worth further humorings.

Thank God nosebleeds are temporary.... as well as fear and grief.

JNET

Sliding Doors

Hello Winking World...

I miss the mathematician... my mythological god of an epic crush. He's wonderful because he's thus far managed to be the kindest human being I've met... as well as ambitious, sexy and smart. But he sailed off to academia to slay the doctorate dragon.

And so this princess wondered....

Are there more sweet princes in the world? Young kings?

Off sailed away my mathematician and in came the magician; Mystic, with a ready story and twinkling trick to entertain the days away. Entertainment went only so far before I realized the whole program and got bored with the re-runs.

The mathematician represented transformation and grace to me. I could not settle for the lackadaisical world of magic and tricks.

And so, I banished the magician from my kingdom not wishing to tarry my days with the trinkets of false gold and not soon after came along Mr. B, a common man who professed for the good of mankind with lofty ambitions.

Mr. B built wings of ambitous words, words, words but never took flight blaming the weather, the mountain, the unfairness of this and that. I could not find silence in his presence and there was no peace, no present, no blessings to breathe in. I freed him to mind his business and he yelled at me for my snobbery. He never noticed to speak to me until I chose to take leave. And though I requested to leave respectively, I was scorned and spurned. No, Mr. B... I don't want to be with an angry bird who can't fly. I am searching for the one who wants to fly me to the moon.

And so the door closes and the door opens and the door closes and the door opens.

My request to the universe?

....the kindest man who has my name in his heart. Will the mathematician return? Are there more sweet princes in the world? Young kings?

JNET

Bye Bye March Madness

My darling world had a bit of a hiccup this month. Thank God for a fresh start with upcoming April.

I landed onto March with a slide onto homeplate full of scuffs and proverbial bruises. March was a shaky month for me despite clearing away the questionable Mystic, grabbing some free time to escape to Palm Springs for a weekend, enjoying a visit from mom and niece and gaining a new roommate and friend (we seem well matched thus far)....

I could've done with a bit more hugs and a nice windfall of cash to make for a stronger rise after the dust settled but a shaky ascension is better than lying down to humor self-pity.

It is still raining but I stand under my umbrella. Do I wish I had some company to sing songs with while I wait the storm off?

No.

I found myself avoiding certain phone calls and not answering to certain emails that seemed to want to steal the wind I had to muster myself with.

"Honey, I am sorry that I can't help you. You live in Los Angeles. If you moved closer to me, life would be easier... I would be able to help you out."

"You know, you would have more security if you got a regular secure job. Being self-employed is hard and harder still because you're a woman."

"If you only had a man to take care of you, you wouldn't have to struggle so much. You should get married."

GOD, HOW I LOVE THE OVERFLOWING ENCOURAGEMENTS OF SUCH PEOPLE!

Though I enjoyed the votes of confidences from friends, it was my own vote of confidence that I needed. I avoided any voices that would push any delicate weakness in favor of opinions that put me down. Those well meaning intentions that had a canny way of dowsing my self-belief were side-stepped.

Shall I feed my mind with the noise of insecurity and sing that I am living in desperate straits or steadily rise through the quiet edifications and encouragements of soul voices?

April will be a great month. Nothing wrong with little spring showers as long as it helps me grow.

JNET