Keying Up For The Future

It can be tempting to indulge in frustration.

I sat with my injured leg today and felt like a clipped little bird. My thoughts were trying to have a go at me. With the close of the year coming up, the last thing I want to usher into the new year is an attitude of disappointment.

I decided to read my blog and see where I have been the past two Decembers and cheered myself up. In 2004, I fell in love and fought against being consumed by it. Not being ready to build a serious relationship with another, I was inspired to build a better relationship with myself.

By my sweet catalyst, I became more aware of toxic friendships that were compromising me. In admiring someone special and being honored by him, I became acutely aware of the relationships around me that were taxing me and becoming more agitated as my attentions found peace in enjoying my affections. My true friends rose in support and compassion.

2005, I threw myself into new projects, joined a dance company, took on a coach to help me with my technique in classical piano and wrote more to find my voice. I passed on playing house with my handsome muse. I was not complete with my experience of independence and felt that I would lose my identity in a relationship.

I decided to take on a roommate instead and found that the compromise of personalities wasn't worth having half the rent shared. I managed to keep my independence and my identity but felt like I was going out of my mind living with a person who would say anything to live in my apartment (while sober). We were two different creatures but I learned that I was able to always assert myself in challenging situations. 2006 was a difficult year of growing pains.

I learned that I was ready to drop the roommate dice and play at living with only myself.

I am now more ready to take on the "relationship" conversation. I am no longer concerned that I will lose my independence nor individuality... after having to be strong and maintain myself graciously and with integrity in a roommate situation.

If it is possible to be loving in a relationship where I have no dreams of a future, then I can handle being loving to someone that I really want to build a future with.

I hadn't been living in limbo going nowhere these past couple of years. I've been practicing and I've been creating the necessary clearing I need for a successful and healthful future.

2007 is going to be very exciting for me.

Each year, I find new keys for creating my future. I have no regrets though I miss my muse very much having put him in the background of life to do my life. He likewise, has disappeared into his studies; a Phd in musicology and a master's in math theories keep him busy. Somehow, I believe one of the keys in my future will bring me back to the conversation he and I shelved.

I wouldn't be here without him. He's always been my "why" along these adventures of mine.

JNET