PHOTOS: Happy 2009 :)

I danced into 2008 with reckless abandon. By Spring I was ready to return to the comfort of myself and quiet...

I got so quiet that I took a break from writing, salsa dancing, podcasting and playing the piano. Its now 2009 and the most important place to me is the quiet that I find in my solitude.

To begin writing again...

And being myself again...

The borders of jnetsworld have stretched to new horizons. There are not enough words to express who I am now. But perhaps in pictures....

Snapshots of 2008...


My solitude found a family. (above: E, C and M)

My place was no longer only about my music and rehearsals. I danced for pure enjoyment to be with my friends to laugh and play. I am normally not as social as these three have drawn me out and stretched me. These three created the salsa dancer I am today... all great teachers, technique perfectionists, and friends ... who have made permanent marks into my heart and soul.. as well as a permanent home in jnetsworld :)

I learned how to make art with flips of laughter somersaults of silliness. I didn't miss my solitude. I didn't miss writing. The world fell apart in little ways with tiny dramas along the way... like disagreeable roommates... not having enough students. But I had my loyal friends and an energetic front line.

Spring 2008 was a wild garden. Jnetsworld was LIVELY and growing.


Work and play came to a new level. And salsa opened to expanding my love of photography. C was working on a friend's project and together we had good work chemistry. In turn, pulling the volume down on salsa and working me to a balance. I took lots of pictures... and I still didn't miss my solitude. Podcasting went on break... blogging went on break... new connections and roads were made.


My world of notes and words expanded into color. Friendships grew into creative bonds and projects were born. Jnetsworld's art is part of so many other worlds. So many new friends came into my quiet world this past year...



"Facebook ME." Became the hello to people that impressed themselves upon me.

Salsa dancing evolved to an at-home-only-with-friends activity. I danced only at KNL rehearsaI, saving my energy to concentrate on performing at the Ford. I had 6 hours at least of rigorous dancing during the hot summer months. I attempted podcasting but hit upon so many technical difficulties with the computer, phones and headsets.

I was writing and podcasting... but in my head and drafted thoughts collected in my archives... or became canned. The Ford performance was a sold-out success though.


Beyond dancing and photography. I sought to speak beyond my blog... beyond podcasting. I stepped away from my safe internet world and joined Toastmasters. Again, stretching myself away from solitude. I missed practicing the piano. I missed writing. But I was up to new things.


The question came up often....Where is my writing and podcasting? Where is the mathematician? I once blogged to document life. But I got caught up in so many different things and a mulitude of thoughts marched through my head... but I never sat down to really tie them down with my words. And a certain sensibility left me. Where did I leave my words, my reflections?

All on the backburner... Yes, I felt that tinge of "missing" but I was on an adventure that I know will lead me back to home.


In the space of new friends, my royal court of friends who have been with me through the years grew with me Thoughts were sorted through quick text messages. I am still so busy that the best way to reach me is via email or text messaging.

Busy with my work, my projects, my rehearsals, my friends and then of course ... my family.

A family with nieces and nephews... many brand new :) A family of brothers and sisters in law... a family with a mom who had two surgeries and a year of physical therapy. 2008 was intense and beautiful in the family front.


And it made me wonder....

Can I do all the things I love to do and build a kingdom for myself like my brothers??? I stretch my thoughts on salt shakerhood as I flirt with couplehood. I could be happy with work and solitude... and I could be happy in other ways too. I learned to look beyond that world called friendship. Through dance, someone wanted to show me a glimpse of the possibilities in his mind.


Love and life always teaches...one to grow... I am having a good and terrible time figuring out how my dreams will look like in the future...

I know I can always be happy with my world as it is... Full of friends, family, love, fun, adventures in work and play. That I still think of solitude and I think of me.

It is 2009... I am back to writing... and shortly to podcasting....

The mathematician did return .. by the way...after I shared with him the vision I was growing in my world, he thought it was a good time to say hello.. I have a couple of hellos on the go :) My mind is spinning with wonder... I can only hope to write more often to make sense of my world.


What makes sense for my world is the continuing journey. I am still playing with my color, with my music, with my words and with my dance.


2009 is going to be lots of fun...

I love watching life unfold. It's beautiful... isn't it? Happy New Year.

JNET

Love Is In The Air... and I Am Feeling Claustrophobic

My facebook marriages, engagements, and relationships crescendo-ed to a quiet and peaceful single status. Meanwhile my real-time experiments enjoyed some happy practice time with the occasional mess up. I slowly found my un-JNET status of participating in salt shaker activity a bit of a challenge.

This silly year has been full of play. The podcasting habit slipped AGAIN, my blog writing routine disrupted - but I can do double turns when I salsa and I've been dancing and performing. Having added Pilates to cross train against dance and yoga, I can continue my ice cream indulgences with E after an evening of dance and then some.

And yet, all the ice cream in the world coupled up with fun and affection cannot cover over the growing frustration of having not been productive in my writing and piano practice, leading me to think that dating and a future of salt-shakering... ie pairing up is going to take more mindful thought and discipline. I also entertain the possibility of being a confirmed bachelorette.

Not to blow my mind at a minor level, the mathematician resurfaced full of sunshine and charm. He is so easy to adore. His conversations still have its way of pinning me against the wall as we entertain universal truths within details. Hot geeks unite... ha.

To salsa? To tango? To read a book? To watch a movie? To be together? To be alone....

Love is in the air...

And I am feeling claustrophobic.

Lucky me?

JNET

Relaxing Within a New York Minute

I am living the rugged angel life in Los Angeles and it is far from the "relaxed" I'd like to live.

Car stress...

I do love my bug... unfortunately, a mysterious electrical issue has now stumped TWO specialists. My car is only happy in Los Angeles and totally drains out of juice when it travels over 100 miles.... which means visits to my family in San Diego has been accompanied by a good deal of car stress.

I am renting a car tonight instead to head to San Diego.

D's mother unexpectedly passed away and I am off to my 4th funeral within the past 24 months. (5th... if you include the little memorial I had for my beta fish at my rose bush).

I race back up to Los Angeles to return the rental, teach and go to rehearsal...

I am performing at the Ford for their family event series of "edu-tainment" on arts and culture...

I'd like to do a million other things to catch up with myself and despite the hiccups of life over car and annoyances, I find I can relax and enjoy random moments. I am not writing as much as I'd like. I have drafted so many thoughts and left them uncompleted. I am not practicing the piano as I'd like; my fingers are stiff. I am not attending to my yoga practice... my quiet moments are in the car or shower in abbreviated meditations.... but I am enjoying my students, the rigor of my dance rehearsals, Toastmasters, a weekly podcast to host, the dotting of social parties while I ache from my Pilates practice.

If I barely have time to write, I also don't have time to be upset. My quiet times are left to picking up my room ... my less than quiet times is left to E and figuring out salt shaker techniques in balancing relationship with personal pursuits.

E: "Do you want me to disappear for a while?"

JNET: "That is no use. I'm trying to figure out the balance... otherwise the final decision will have to be give up trying to fit you in my life. For now, Life is messy until I can learn to manage my time with you in my life."

Even if E is not the ONE, learning to be happy, successful and having it all is a good lesson. If he is the ONE, hopefully I'll figure this balance out...

All for practicing... happily ever after.

Back to my work :)

JNET

SS: The Accidental Boyfriend

I'm a bit unravelled.

It's a good thing.

My current facebook status update: Life and love is interestingly hilarious.

I am onto my THIRD facebook marriage of the summer and the only appropriate thing I can think to say to my prospective real time suitors is...

"Welcome to JNETSWORLD:)"

I do not know how most people do it... living it Noah on a daily basis. Together conversations and together times bumping against the Independent Meditation. Life in the carpool lane is not everyone's experience.

It's exciting and un-nerving.

Un-nerving because I am happy and wonder what more can I want in having someone's life align with mine. Un-nerving because conversations and thoughts are more demanding. I must balance self ambition and develop a shared dream in order to build possible futures with another person.

I feel like I've started a brand new company and I'm not the only president.

E: "You are incredibly rational."

JNET: "A couple of my guy bestfriends have voted me as such."

E: "Don't you have emotions?"

JNET: "I like them when they are useful."

E: "Hmmmm."

JNET: "I have no right to tell you how to spend your time. If you wish to date other people, then you should and I will decide from there how I feel about it and you. Anyway, I hate making decisions for other people. Be happy."

E: "Wow...."

I can't be the only person that thinks and talks this way... this "incredibly rational" way.... who experiences emotion yet in a surrealistically sacred and detached way.

And so exciting comes up in conversations... in all the ways of being... in entertaining salt shaker dances.

Do I have emotions?

Yes... very much ...

D: "You have a boyfriend? That is so UN-JNET."

JNET: "I know... It sorted happened."

I have an accidental boyfriend...

Meanwhile, I'm onto my third facebook marriage. I dissolved my marriage to my roommate after one week and we are still living happily ever after. The experiment continues... spinning possible futures, practicing expanding identities with boyfriends, husbands, fictitious and less than fictitious.

Welcome to jnetsworld...

It's nice that someone wants to be in my mad hatter yet sensible world. Status updates to follow.

JNET

SS: Composing a Symphony and Not a Jingle

E: "What are you looking for?"

JNET: "Truth... True Love"

I've never had a confidant; a someone to share my every day thoughts with. Ever....

Ever...ever... ever. And I never craved that type of audience. Being happy with my life never entailed a captured or captivated witness. A full life is difficult to unload every day plus the given divine moment is sacrificed.

Every person who's known me from birth knows that I am as happy catching up with a friend once a week as the person I catch up once a year and that I take no offense if time stretches longer than that. If I need to work out my thoughts, I rarely run to a friend.

I work out my thoughts alone, at the piano bench, at my yoga practice, in my writing. And then I go to my friends to let them know of my plans of how I intend to handle the situation. At that point I have rehearsed scenarios in my mind in how I would like my life to play out.

I am an introvert that finds fuel in the silence of life that practices understanding emotional noise. A musican interpreting myself through patterns of tempos and dynamics and writer who pens that path I walk.

Where in this life of mine is there need for a confidant? I work out things alone and trust things to be in their rightful place. I watch people try to possess one another, sharing secrets in serial official and un-official relationships only to have chunks of great memories and a lost friend archived to banished parts of their own soul.

That's what many people do to their lost loves. Losing pieces of their selves.

I couldn't deal with a piano bench full of unfinished music. Or pieces of songs where pages have gone missing. And a bench of one pager children's songs will drive me batty from boredom and being unchallenged.

So I am a bit surprised that Life has given me a confidant not because I need one but simply to have one. And I am a bit surprised because I have others who beg for a chance to know my daily thoughts (and then some) that inspire me to further seek solitude and give them theirs.

But, I have someone here who is actually listening to my silence and is not a muddle of propositions trying to mold me. And I am especially surprised that I am enjoying it despite the imperfections and awkwardness. He makes himself welcome to my world.

Last night, I had a moment where I just stared at him and didn't know what to say... And I felt better when I got that he didn't mind the silence and that he wasn't chasing to fill it with something. He was happy.

No matter how far I have gone to show him the door, told him I'd be happy to have him in the audience if he'd prefer to give up being first chair, he's insisted to that he can read my music. He keeps surprising me...

Can he take on the cadenza, I wonder?

JNET

SS: Salt Shaker Experiment Part TWO

My roommate asked me if I can marry him for a week.

The single click ease of facebook marriages makes for an interesting experiment. It's like running through sugar glass; acting the part with a lowered chance for pain while having the advantage of playing out a scenario.

Call it therapy for chronic singles that dread the prospect of coupledumb... I mean... coupledom. The status update is a purposely generated flirtation.... not with each other but rather with the concept. Dare I admit it, I am flirting with the idea of getting married... to someone... someday... at my insanely deliberate pace that is not in step with the common crash and burn world.

A part of me wants to be apathetic.

Isn't the world of salt shakers a boring dialogue of "what did you do today" "what do you want to eat" "where do you want to go" questions that are repeated ad nauseum until you are entranced or terrorized to bury your self in "partnership"? I want to be inspired. I want to be inspiring... not live as a log of a love one's calorie count.

A new game has begun....

Status updates to follow...

JNET

SS: Crashing From the Dopamine Or This Thing Called Love

It was a brain dropping perhaps, the downswing of a dopamine high.

For a little while, life seemed perfect. I didn't need to sleep and I was exceptionally happy. Happy to be charmed and outwitted. A fault in theory did not hold up to argument and debate.

He could not make a case and I could not hold my regard.

I was surprised that I hadn't lowered my head from the clouds sooner. I suppose I can blame it on a darwinian fever; a human nature lending me to feel strongly emotional.

A shot blasted through my little heaven and the balance was tilted. I found no landing; no steady ground to stand upon.

I fell.

For several days now, I've allowed silence to settle in me. I fasted and sought ways to iron out my thoughts from my fantasies. Was I a part of an unfolding miracle or was I simply riding out a chemical reaction?

The beauty of it was fleeting. All songs and music over it was muted. And I found myself in a cage, feeling hungry when I have never suffered from hunger... the air was thin and I did not find freedom in new horizons,

I did not find license to be fully expressed. Now, I am an explosion of words seeking homes for displaced ideals.

Is it a neural itch from which I did not find peace. Did I find love in the space of chaos? I don't know. I didn't have the patience to tolerate the growing incongruence. Let me blame it on the moon or a lack of good chocolate. Let the crash be blamed on a glitch in the matrix.

I suppose it was not a sturdy structure. I suppose it was a vulnerable design. Understanding and value did not grow. A match was never made. It was humored... and then humored... and then humored til the punchline was lost. The polypeptide party was cancelled. Happiness met anger in hallways and the noise from the other side of the door finally spilled through the crack and brought the house down.

Today, I watched the dawn alone and in the silence found that my ideals are safe at home. I am not lost or alone but rather I am in a space of learning and leaning on the understanding of the one who loves me...

I wait upon only one.

JNET

SS: Courting The Dreams of My Mind

Despite a life spurning salt shaker ritual as plebian, I cannot say that I do not dream of love.

Los Angeles can be a very isolating, maddening and lonely place. I listen to those who lament the loneliness of not possessing a partner. I listen to those who hurt for not being possessed. I am only inspired further to seek the uncommon to trump my doubts.

JNET: "I'm looking for a king."

E: "A king?"

JNET: "But a specific type of king. There are many kinds of kings and I am looking for the best one for me."

I have crossed paths with many kings and the mathematician was my favorite. But like Queen Sheba who spent a season with King Solomon sharing riddles and wisdom, I had returned to rule my world with lessons from admiring someone so powerful and kind. His deliberateness in silence, word and action amazed me for I never met anyone as mindful and unhindered. He claimed everything in his path. Not many people show such dominion and grace. I usually meet people who'd rather live by their fears than their dreams.

I chose to leave. We had our respective worlds to build.

And yet I keep my regard for this passing king, not necessarily hoping that he returns but in faith that others will come. Others who will understand the testing of wisdom and solving of riddles. Others who will show that my passing king was just a glimpse of the future, a king who engenders goodwill and power.

I do dream of happily ever afters... I pass on the distractions of happy for now relationships. It is far better to be rule my world alone than in partnership with chaos.

I seek the uncommon.

JNET

SS: Practicing Salt Shaker Life

Notoriously single, I decided to get married the easiest way I knew possible;

I married one of my facebook buddies...

JNET: "E, do you mind confirming me as your wife? If you don't mind playing along, I'd like to marry you this week."

The announcement... specifically, my facebook status update, coincidentially landed during a weekend I was planning to visit Las Vegas for the first time. Predictably, the plan was cancelled.

My first hello came from a friend in Kuwait... followed by half a dozen others from around the country...

A: "You got married !! OMG !! Congratulations !!! All the best sis :)"

Close friends suspected I would be spontaneous enough for a Vegas wedding but the glaring clue that made it questionable was that they all knew I will only marry on a specific date. I also began putting up crazy updates to entertain my friends to clue them in that I was playing a game... such as;

"JNET is honeymooning to planet XYZ in an ice cream truck..... JNET is drawing out her wedding portrait with crayons."

My current status update is:

"JNET is lost in a time travel catatonic state due to a stupid penny."

Would becoming part of a salt shaker set be fatalistic to enjoying solitude? As I enjoy both worlds through facebook, I see that a huge part of my identity is my singularity in living a soloist life.

So... I promised to marry half a dozen other friends on my facebook during the summer.

Solitude... my silence makes me sane. Is it possible to have it all? Solitude, silence AND a salt shaker life?

Perhaps my boardgame mantra fits here:

"I hate to lose (a boardgame) but I enjoy a good beating."

I am enjoying the shock, the hellos and the congratulations. Despite being the type of person that doesn't like to speak to anyone before noon unless I have to, I've been stretching my self in practicing "relationship" in my own ways.

Status updates to follow (on facebook)

:)

JNET

SS: Waiting On Inspiration

He loves me... he loves me not yet... he loves me... he loves me not yet...

My muse has been MIA and still I am happy. A moment of missing him and sadness would come across me but a new moment would wash the feelings away.

I stopped writing. Looking at my archives, I see I've gone away for quite awhile. I've come back from my proverbial bermuda triangle where many wacky things occurred. I danced into a new world and gained a couple of new friends.

JNET: "Now if I can only squeeze you two into one person that is irresistibly kissable, then I have found true love."

I battle that side of me that looks upon salt shaker coupledom with skepticism. Isn't my true love "art"? Solitude had been my best friend.... a happy relationship supported by friends likewise engaged in their art, livimg lives that center around work that is synonymous to play and passion. We socialize over rehearsals, concerts, recitals, cd and book release parties... Not anti-social... perhaps just striving to be unencumbered and impatient toward frivolity.

A random day brought a collision of three people to an innocuous game night for Cranium and Catchphrase and a clan was born. Like long-lost bestfriends from third grade reunited finally after college, we tumble; silly and serious... - philosophical conversations segue to a cocktail and a boardgame moves on to practice a bachata. Eclectic and quirky... devoted without the secret oaths and carefree, I'm still not quite sure what's happened.

I absolutely adore C & E. They embrace individualism and balance sensitivity toward a collective connection. Their "distraction" has not deprived me of my art... True, I was not writing and I was not practicing the piano. At first I thought it was because I had lost sight of my muse. Still the thought of the mathematician brings warm feelings of affection over me. The power of mythology prevails. Interestingly, I returned with a new fire to my work, tailoring my time to include a new world and enjoying that I don't have to lose my style of solitude.

He loves me... he loves me not yet... he loves me... he loves me not yet....

Funny, I thought I needed my muse for inspiration... Rather, I'm finding that I am already inspired and enjoying the dynamic of others makes for a more interesting experience for me to express..

JNET

SS: Tango-ing Thoughts

Slow... slow... quick quick... slow..

Promenade, grapevines, rock, lock, box, ochos, serpentines...

I am loving the choreography sequence being taught at my tango class.

But as I visit tango world for my dancing fix, studying how to use the body in a skilled art form, I am conscious of the fact that I am surrounded by salt shakers, that ubiquitous presence of pairs. Though I am grateful to "borrow" a guy for a dance, I become aware that perhaps my singularity is peculiar.

But I am a girl who goes to weddings, baby showers, and restaurants ALONE. And tango is for salt shakers ultimately.

It's been two weeks since I've seen the mathematician. We've since retreated to our work, the serenity of personal solitudes and I am still struck by the aftereffects of his presence. Still, I had a great evening with JC who made me a dinner that put me on the moon and I enjoy the hellos of several sweet.... potential shakers?

What is tango doing to me?

Hmm... maybe I should've signed up for flamenco instead.

JNET

SS: Salt Shakers

That is what I call "couples"... salt shakers. They come in charming, matching pairs.

I've been practicing stepping out of my solitude. I'm rarely found as "half of a set" and I dread the thought of myself being a shaker.

With an identity so ingrained in being the flower vase or maybe the solo art piece that's never had to share a spotlight but delighted in the individual installations around me, I have serious thoughts that I am designed to be a solo persona. My friends and family would go in a bit of shock if I should ever appear with a special someone. My patience and curiousity to go beyond the ascetic life is so "un-shakerish."

But I am searching for a balance and the right medium that expresses myself in a complementary way. And so comes in Mr. B who's been sweetly trying to tango with me and despite my protests and steps to reiterate myself to him, he seems to take my waves with a certain grace.

I don't know if I am going to last. I keep everyone at the periphery and rather enjoy company with myself than want to join the masses at the movies or restaurants. Mr. B's best friend's enthusiasm for the ritualistic double date is making me nervous. I don't want to relinquish myself into becoming a salt shaker.

I have a very patient suitor though who is amused by the odd courtship he must endure to get to know me in friendship. He has been in my circle of friends for several years... but most of them he focused on his career and not knowing me. After a two year sabbatical he's returned to creating a social life and he thought of me. He's also wishing to create a balance in his life. And so I've decided to practice sharing a tiny bit of myself as well as he.

I prefer yet... myself.

It's very unsettling to share. I don't know if I ought to cry. I feel nothing and he is fine with my nothingness in our conversations. I'm an interesting puzzle for him. I see a gulf between us and he sees something else. In this space of discomfort I am trying to get clear with myself to show up in honest bravery despite all my fears or discern that building with the incongruities I see will only make for an inauthentic friendship.

Until then...we are having a lot of conversations... silliness and friendship.... learning about each other platonically and seeing where to go from there. It is refreshing and not complicated... something that is rare to me.

JNET

Afterthoughts on the Tower of Conformity

My mathematician didn't make it out for a visit today as I hoped. I am slightly disappointed but oh well. I was able to enjoy a nice day without him. My life has a way of happening anyway.

After blogging on building security on towers of conformity, I thought about paralleling it with a topic... to explore my thoughts and see how the tower held up.

Instead of intimidating Nimrod, let's have "loneliness" as the "mighty hunter" that leads the spirit of rebellion.

I was sad to listen to several conversations recently on relationships where people were dating people they KNEW they didn't love and adore... or where people were seeing people where there was an absence of admiration, respect and trust and there was a sense of powerlessness. Luckily I got a balance from friends that are in happier situations as encouraging examples.

To be afraid and openly working through stuff together is distinctively different from hanging on a temporary relationship that "isn't all that bad" and is acceptable because "it will run its due course" and "fade out on its own."

I love you... for now, you'll do. WOW. Or I love you... but not love you love you. I dig you... but you definitely have an expiration date. It seems a bit disrespectful to me... and making for a slow death under the mask of "love" and "relating."

Last week, I had an evening that I wanted to celebrate having some quiet time with myself. I prepared a very nice meal for myself, poured myself a glass of red and sat at the piano with a couple of chocolates while my dinner was cooking. I even lit the candles for myself.

Had I ruthless loneliness ruling my thoughts, I might not be able to enjoy my time alone. I might be compelled to build security by chasing companionship and activity that would become a wash of time passing by... short of satisfaction. And loneliness would perhaps influence my thoughts to make me feel disconnected from God....

I was sad to hear stories of how some pay tribute to loneliness and honor their loneliness with their tributes of towers to build a sense of security, routine, acceptance. A BABE tower of pretense and conformity... Won't that just build more levels of loneliness and pretense?

Ferment loneliness like a bottle of wine, would I pour a spirit of joy when I am with others and with myself?

Is coupling up so glorified that many submit themselves to building false towers that are ghosts of magnificence? How many defenders of false love shall loneliness train in its army?

And so with loneliness follows God throwing a spanner into the works creating confusion.... a gate that may be the possibility of God in separating from the false tower.

JNET