Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Monday, February 15, 2010

Please Bring Me Flowers and Leave Your Broken Heart At the Door




I threw a sweet little funny valentine party, my response to the anti-valentine, jaded love sentiment. Think homeroom with Miss JNET.

I wanted to host an event that engendered HOPE. Hope is something that 7 year olds have in ready supply. Its another story for many once they exit high school .

Was it the candy grams and little cards of school life that sustained our delicate hearts before we hit college and work? Is it the love and security that we received from parents that leaves us feeling lost after flying the nest?

How's a person to navigate in a world that they think is cold?

Chop wood and make a fire!

In other words, work and create it.

I want hope in my life, happiness, and joy and so I design it. Every person, every hour, every conversation becomes a mindful choice... as well as UNchoice. Where the vision of hope, happiness and joy becomes blurry or thwarted on purpose, I let go. I leave it outside my house.

But inside my house, Valentines evening.... I'm serving candy hearts and cocktails. And my friends are writing little cards to one another. The nightmare dating story didn't have room to be indulged when there are more defining things to consider like good friends who have hope and like to laugh.

What to do when the world seems cold?

Chop wood and make a fire.... create the warmth.

JNET

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Rugged Angel: Ubi Caritas


“U-bi ca-ri-tas et a-mor, De-us i-bi est”


The notes danced in a cheerful six eight meter. Next to a cluster of medicine bottles, a small candle on the kitchen table was lit, a crucifix supported upright in a small orange juice glass and two women sang a hymn to a congregation of one, Ms. Miramontes.


“Con-gre-ga-vit nos in u-num

Chris-ti a-mor.”


I chose to sit silently in the back pew; the furthest chair at the opposite end of the kitchen table. My stomach sang along. It was half past noon and all that I had for the day was a communion wafer. I annoyed myself with internal chastising for not getting a good night's rest, not having breakfast and feeling frustrated that time with mother on Mother's Day was going to be with other people at other people's homes before making it to the family gathering at my brother's home. For two verses I growled with my stomach before getting reeled into the reality three feet in front of me.


“Exul-te-mus, et in ip-so lu-cun-de-mur.”


A plastic container in the shape of the good lady of hope with a blue cap stood next to the flickering candle. The blue cap was taken off and mom's church sister Miss Lori or "Auntie Lori," blessed Ms. Miramontes with holy water while she sat in a light orange floral flannel nightgown trimmed with white dainty lace. She was frail but proud; weathered but noble. She gave a quiet cough and didn't smile but was unruffled by her condition. She held an air of dignity. My mother continued singing and handed me a hymn book motioning me to join in.


“Ti-me-a-mus, et a-me-mus

De-um vi-vum.”


It was my second "Mass" of the day. The first Mass was celebrated at a high school gym where I sat on a riser directly below the score board with my brother and his family. Mom sat with the choir, a modest collection of young people mixed with the granny club. I didn't sing. I listened. I listened to my nieces laughter, the gentle reprimanding of their parents, and the choir. My brother's babies delighted in the sounds their feet made when they jumped up and down on the shiny court; the guitarist strummed a false chord and the game pressed on. The altar and priest stood centered in the three point area before the basketball hoop while the bulk of the parishioners sat in the perimeter on folding metal chairs. I was content and happy to be away from my Sunday routine of teaching piano lessons in Beverly Hills. I was in the southernmost part of San Diego. I could see Mexico.


"Keep Mom company at her appointments and help her to NOT lose track of time." My brother instructed me earlier that morning when I emerged from the guest room. I had restlessly sat up most of the evening and managed a two hour nap. So it wasn't a surprise that somewhere between the high school gym and the five minute drive to Ms. Miramontes' home, I lost track of that Sunday sort of feeling.


Et ex cor-de di-li-ga-mus nos sin-cero.”


Thank God the hymn anchored me into the moment. I forgot my nagging stomach. I forgot about the family party that was waiting for my mother and I. And Ms. Miramontes patiently listened to a faster version of the Bible readings. She then assured us that she was fine, had been fed earlier and expected her caretaker to return. Mother's Day wishes were exchanged along with apologies for not being able to stay longer and we hastened from Ms. Miramontes' home to the next appointment where Sunday readings and Ubi Caritas was to be read and sung for the third time.


"Did you see the photographs of Ms. Miramontes? She was very beautiful."


"And still is, Mom."


"Should we call your brothers? We still have one last appointment. The next house might be a bit difficult in getting away. Mr. Rose likes to talk."


"No, let's just text them when we are close to the house. They already know that lunch is delayed. They'll call us if they need to."


Two hours of sleep, no breakfast, lunch delayed, a world away from Los Angeles returned to the old world where I am like a child once again, dragged around to Mom's errands.


"Peanut?"


"No thanks, Mom."


But I wasn't a child anymore. I had lost all my baby teeth, earned my driver's license, and held a degree. I could drive anywhere I want, sleep whenever I wish and enjoy the free will to eat cookies in bed.


But in my world of teaching, paying rent and figuring out the dating and marriage question while having fun with friends for late night meals and laughs, I missed that a cloth of arrogance and ignorance covered me. I had forgotten that I really wasn't a grown up. The people my mother spent her time with on Sunday afternoons were the real grown ups reminding me that I was still growing up. They were several decades ahead of me on the game of Life.


“U-bi ca-ri-tas et a-mor, De-us i-bi est”


My mother was right. Mr. Rose loves to talk. Upon entering his home, the eighty something year old puts an orange in my hand.

"Si-mul er-go cum in u-num con-gre-ga-mur:
Ne nos men-te di-vi-da-mur, ca-ve-a-mus."

"It is very sweet." He says in greeting, smiles and then disappears to retrieve Mrs. Rose.

"Ces-sent i-ur-gi-a ma-lig-na, ces-sent li-tes.
Et in me-di-o nos-tri sit Christ-us De-us."

The altar is set up again on the kitchen table. The holy water in the Mary container, the crucifix balanced in a small glass and the communion wafers are in place by the time Mr. Rose returns with Mrs. Rose. He wears a blue button down shirt with stripes. He looks ready for a stroll along the beach. But the furthest he likes to go is his garden. He likes to be near his wife. Mrs. Rose takes her place at the table in a cheerful red and white cotton gown with blue and red flowers on her collar. She's lovely and is also wearing a touch of lipstick. She smiles and gives me a hug right away and I sit down gingerly with the orange still in my hand.

“U-bi ca-ri-tas et a-mor, De-us i-bi est”


Mr. Rose recited the Bible readings as well as shared his personal insights during the homily. Mrs. Rose sat serenely through the service while her husband played pulpit from a recliner chair. He was very comfortable sharing how he felt inspired and moved by the words of the good book. We would've enjoyed staying longer to listen.

"Si-mul quo-que cum be-a-tis vi-de-a-mus,"

"Pardon us, Brother Rose." My mother signaled the wise man on his easy chair, "We would stay longer but it is Mother's Day, my daughter is here to visit me and my sons for the weekend."

"Not to worry." Mr. Rose gave an understanding smile and thanked us for humoring his thoughts with him.

"Glo-ri-an-ter vul-tum tu-um, Chris-te De-us."

The visit with the Roses came to a close shortly after.

"Gau-di-um qu-od est im-men-sum, at-que pro-bum"


The candle was blown out, the altar put away, oranges in hand and hugs exchanged.

"Sae-cu-la per in-fi-ni-ta sae-cu-lor-um. A-men."


Mother's Day lunch was celebrated with my two brothers, my sisters-in-law, their mothers and mothers-in-laws, and my nieces and nephews by three in the afternoon. We got caught up in a traffic jam on the way due to road construction closures. It was a good thing I accompanied my mom to her commitment. We never lost track of time. We sat with time. And time crystallized itself to a profound memory.

The table was still being prepared when we arrived. Everyone was very hungry but very cheerful.



JNET

Friday, January 2, 2009

PHOTOS: Happy 2009 :)


I danced into 2008 with reckless abandon. By Spring I was ready to return to the comfort of myself and quiet...

I got so quiet that I took a break from writing, salsa dancing, podcasting and playing the piano. Its now 2009 and the most important place to me is the quiet that I find in my solitude.

To begin writing again...

And being myself again...

The borders of jnetsworld have stretched to new horizons. There are not enough words to express who I am now. But perhaps in pictures....

Snapshots of 2008...


My solitude found a family. (above: E, C and M)

My place was no longer only about my music and rehearsals. I danced for pure enjoyment to be with my friends to laugh and play. I am normally not as social as these three have drawn me out and stretched me. These three created the salsa dancer I am today... all great teachers, technique perfectionists, and friends ... who have made permanent marks into my heart and soul.. as well as a permanent home in jnetsworld :)

I learned how to make art with flips of laughter somersaults of silliness. I didn't miss my solitude. I didn't miss writing. The world fell apart in little ways with tiny dramas along the way... like disagreeable roommates... not having enough students. But I had my loyal friends and an energetic front line.

Spring 2008 was a wild garden. Jnetsworld was LIVELY and growing.


Work and play came to a new level. And salsa opened to expanding my love of photography. C was working on a friend's project and together we had good work chemistry. In turn, pulling the volume down on salsa and working me to a balance. I took lots of pictures... and I still didn't miss my solitude. Podcasting went on break... blogging went on break... new connections and roads were made.


My world of notes and words expanded into color. Friendships grew into creative bonds and projects were born. Jnetsworld's art is part of so many other worlds. So many new friends came into my quiet world this past year...



"Facebook ME." Became the hello to people that impressed themselves upon me.

Salsa dancing evolved to an at-home-only-with-friends activity. I danced only at KNL rehearsaI, saving my energy to concentrate on performing at the Ford. I had 6 hours at least of rigorous dancing during the hot summer months. I attempted podcasting but hit upon so many technical difficulties with the computer, phones and headsets.

I was writing and podcasting... but in my head and drafted thoughts collected in my archives... or became canned. The Ford performance was a sold-out success though.


Beyond dancing and photography. I sought to speak beyond my blog... beyond podcasting. I stepped away from my safe internet world and joined Toastmasters. Again, stretching myself away from solitude. I missed practicing the piano. I missed writing. But I was up to new things.


The question came up often....Where is my writing and podcasting? Where is the mathematician? I once blogged to document life. But I got caught up in so many different things and a mulitude of thoughts marched through my head... but I never sat down to really tie them down with my words. And a certain sensibility left me. Where did I leave my words, my reflections?

All on the backburner... Yes, I felt that tinge of "missing" but I was on an adventure that I know will lead me back to home.


In the space of new friends, my royal court of friends who have been with me through the years grew with me Thoughts were sorted through quick text messages. I am still so busy that the best way to reach me is via email or text messaging.

Busy with my work, my projects, my rehearsals, my friends and then of course ... my family.

A family with nieces and nephews... many brand new :) A family of brothers and sisters in law... a family with a mom who had two surgeries and a year of physical therapy. 2008 was intense and beautiful in the family front.


And it made me wonder....

Can I do all the things I love to do and build a kingdom for myself like my brothers??? I stretch my thoughts on salt shakerhood as I flirt with couplehood. I could be happy with work and solitude... and I could be happy in other ways too. I learned to look beyond that world called friendship. Through dance, someone wanted to show me a glimpse of the possibilities in his mind.


Love and life always teaches...one to grow... I am having a good and terrible time figuring out how my dreams will look like in the future...

I know I can always be happy with my world as it is... Full of friends, family, love, fun, adventures in work and play. That I still think of solitude and I think of me.

It is 2009... I am back to writing... and shortly to podcasting....

The mathematician did return .. by the way...after I shared with him the vision I was growing in my world, he thought it was a good time to say hello.. I have a couple of hellos on the go :) My mind is spinning with wonder... I can only hope to write more often to make sense of my world.


What makes sense for my world is the continuing journey. I am still playing with my color, with my music, with my words and with my dance.


2009 is going to be lots of fun...

I love watching life unfold. It's beautiful... isn't it? Happy New Year.

JNET

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Love Is In The Air... and I Am Feeling Claustrophobic


My facebook marriages, engagements, and relationships crescendo-ed to a quiet and peaceful single status. Meanwhile my real-time experiments enjoyed some happy practice time with the occasional mess up. I slowly found my un-JNET status of participating in salt shaker activity a bit of a challenge.

This silly year has been full of play. The podcasting habit slipped AGAIN, my blog writing routine disrupted - but I can do double turns when I salsa and I've been dancing and performing. Having added Pilates to cross train against dance and yoga, I can continue my ice cream indulgences with E after an evening of dance and then some.

And yet, all the ice cream in the world coupled up with fun and affection cannot cover over the growing frustration of having not been productive in my writing and piano practice, leading me to think that dating and a future of salt-shakering... ie pairing up is going to take more mindful thought and discipline. I also entertain the possibility of being a confirmed bachelorette.

Not to blow my mind at a minor level, the mathematician resurfaced full of sunshine and charm. He is so easy to adore. His conversations still have its way of pinning me against the wall as we entertain universal truths within details. Hot geeks unite... ha.

To salsa? To tango? To read a book? To watch a movie? To be together? To be alone....

Love is in the air...

And I am feeling claustrophobic.

Lucky me?

JNET

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Random Thoughts of A Hurried Mind


2: 35am. Breakfast @ 8am. I'll be missing D's bikram yoga competition. Darn. My piano students. So little quiet time. Busy. And I still can't be still.

2:38am. Dancing salsa @ Sportsmen Lodge was fun. The day was full of serious and silly. Was it really Halloween? Intense over relationship talks with E. Private thoughts intense over things yet to be said. He loves me ... he loves me... and he loves me too. Life is dancing and I linger over the breaks of silence.

I only think of you... future... I miss you. Everything is perfect no matter what. Take it seriously but not too seriously. The possibilities are endless.

2:45. The adventure. I think of travelling solo and welcome that romance. Sky-diving tandem is fun but jumping alone doesn't fill me with lonliness. I love the excitement of being with myself as I steal into 2:48.

2:48. Breakfast with friends. Maybe I can leave a bit later. I'll still miss D's competition. Darn. so hard to be still.... as I remember that I also have dance rehearsal Sunday.

2:50. Time to force myself to sleep... as I indulge upon my solitude for random thoughts from a hurried mind.

Goodnight... good morning.... good night....

2:52

JNET

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

SS: Composing a Symphony and Not a Jingle


E: "What are you looking for?"

JNET: "Truth... True Love"

I've never had a confidant; a someone to share my every day thoughts with. Ever....

Ever...ever... ever. And I never craved that type of audience. Being happy with my life never entailed a captured or captivated witness. A full life is difficult to unload every day plus the given divine moment is sacrificed.

Every person who's known me from birth knows that I am as happy catching up with a friend once a week as the person I catch up once a year and that I take no offense if time stretches longer than that. If I need to work out my thoughts, I rarely run to a friend.

I work out my thoughts alone, at the piano bench, at my yoga practice, in my writing. And then I go to my friends to let them know of my plans of how I intend to handle the situation. At that point I have rehearsed scenarios in my mind in how I would like my life to play out.

I am an introvert that finds fuel in the silence of life that practices understanding emotional noise. A musican interpreting myself through patterns of tempos and dynamics and writer who pens that path I walk.

Where in this life of mine is there need for a confidant? I work out things alone and trust things to be in their rightful place. I watch people try to possess one another, sharing secrets in serial official and un-official relationships only to have chunks of great memories and a lost friend archived to banished parts of their own soul.

That's what many people do to their lost loves. Losing pieces of their selves.

I couldn't deal with a piano bench full of unfinished music. Or pieces of songs where pages have gone missing. And a bench of one pager children's songs will drive me batty from boredom and being unchallenged.

So I am a bit surprised that Life has given me a confidant not because I need one but simply to have one. And I am a bit surprised because I have others who beg for a chance to know my daily thoughts (and then some) that inspire me to further seek solitude and give them theirs.

But, I have someone here who is actually listening to my silence and is not a muddle of propositions trying to mold me. And I am especially surprised that I am enjoying it despite the imperfections and awkwardness. He makes himself welcome to my world.

Last night, I had a moment where I just stared at him and didn't know what to say... And I felt better when I got that he didn't mind the silence and that he wasn't chasing to fill it with something. He was happy.

No matter how far I have gone to show him the door, told him I'd be happy to have him in the audience if he'd prefer to give up being first chair, he's insisted to that he can read my music. He keeps surprising me...

Can he take on the cadenza, I wonder?

JNET

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Feeling Heavy in a Zen Sort of Way

I go through moments where I am sitting in the chair of emotions and then shortly, visited by lengths of peace. Disappointment and sadness punctuated the hours. The practical side of myself looked at these moments as ego based and in the peace of detachment....

I look to the future.

I expect a miracle.

A miracle? Like a walking across the water miracle? No... but something wonderfully unexpected, gracefully creative, captivatingly honest and inspiring. That's my dream. It makes walking away from anything less, easier.

Shall I let myself be free into the unknown to meet truth and my dream or shall I accept less and live a life caged in mediocrity and hopelessness? Sadness had exhausted me over the week. It stole the wind out of my week's dear victories and joys. But I remember the moment when a clearing came to pass.


"To be happy is only to have freed one's soul from the unrest of unhappiness"
-Maurice Maeterlinck

I spent the week in silence, too sad to play the piano, heavy hearted; trying to learn the lessons that Life was whispering.

I found my joy again in remembering that my life is about expecting miracles.

Life as a work of art.

I am looking forward to my tomorrows.

JNET

SS: Crashing From the Dopamine Or This Thing Called Love


It was a brain dropping perhaps, the downswing of a dopamine high.

For a little while, life seemed perfect. I didn't need to sleep and I was exceptionally happy. Happy to be charmed and outwitted. A fault in theory did not hold up to argument and debate.

He could not make a case and I could not hold my regard.

I was surprised that I hadn't lowered my head from the clouds sooner. I suppose I can blame it on a darwinian fever; a human nature lending me to feel strongly emotional.

A shot blasted through my little heaven and the balance was tilted. I found no landing; no steady ground to stand upon.

I fell.

For several days now, I've allowed silence to settle in me. I fasted and sought ways to iron out my thoughts from my fantasies. Was I a part of an unfolding miracle or was I simply riding out a chemical reaction?

The beauty of it was fleeting. All songs and music over it was muted. And I found myself in a cage, feeling hungry when I have never suffered from hunger... the air was thin and I did not find freedom in new horizons,

I did not find license to be fully expressed. Now, I am an explosion of words seeking homes for displaced ideals.

Is it a neural itch from which I did not find peace. Did I find love in the space of chaos? I don't know. I didn't have the patience to tolerate the growing incongruence. Let me blame it on the moon or a lack of good chocolate. Let the crash be blamed on a glitch in the matrix.

I suppose it was not a sturdy structure. I suppose it was a vulnerable design. Understanding and value did not grow. A match was never made. It was humored... and then humored... and then humored til the punchline was lost. The polypeptide party was cancelled. Happiness met anger in hallways and the noise from the other side of the door finally spilled through the crack and brought the house down.

Today, I watched the dawn alone and in the silence found that my ideals are safe at home. I am not lost or alone but rather I am in a space of learning and leaning on the understanding of the one who loves me...

I wait upon only one.

JNET

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I'd Rather Dance Alone



Why does it sometimes have to feel like a battle to be myself?

I took some time to step into the sunshine only to meet with gunfire.

I had no idea that there was a war going on. I didn't know there was something terribly wrong that needed some righting.

The terribly wrong thing is my not being tied and gagged into a romantic relationship. That "something wonderful" that is being wished on me is that certain romance that I am willing to give up my music, my writing and my dance studies so that I can enjoy being a portable, adaptable all-inclusive entertainment system and put my personal therapist skills to "real" use. I would love to welcome a romance but don't see any point in entering the gates of love via uninspiring berating.

Is that the way of the world and I am totally off step?

Are people being successful at love through guilt trips, emotional shake downs and manipulative seductions?

Geez... I have been MISSING OUT being single. I've been having so much fun with my piano, my friends, family and rehearsals and practices that I had no idea what I was missing out in. I somehow thought that love was that special something that inspires you want to share everything about yourself with and not edit or closet or shut down the things that make you happy.

Is it just me or am I the only one who won't enter "loving" relationships via the guilt boat?

Happy sailing.

JNET

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Life Loves Me


September is ushering in so much love into my life that it feels like God is tickling me silly.

I have sooo many new people in my life. I am absolutely charmed. I've gained almost a dozen new private students whose personalities have endeared themselves to me that I find it hard to entertain thoughts of packing up and moving back east.

I'm still doing "Tango til Midnight" dance class with the goth crowd. I've just arrived home and I have a BSF class in the morning that I'm looking forward to at 9:00am. Life is busy... incredibly busy. And yet I manage my private time to write, read a book and play the piano.

I am tackling the Iberia Suite by Isaac Albeniz. It's not easy but it is a nice obsession during my quiet time.

As I romance life, I find that life opens up more possibilites before me.

"What do you want? What is your wish?" Life asks...

"I want joy, creativity, abundance, growth, love, fun and adventure." I say.

And in being present to the possibility of magic in a spontaneous moment, I find that wishes do come true. It's September... and it feels like God is tickling me silly with so much love.

JNET

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Love Is Friendship on Fire


I've heard this saying of friendship on fire. It has been said by many and Bruce Lee even has he own version.

“Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.”


I love it. Because when I think of my friendships, they are like fireworks that truly light up my life? It's beautiful.

I found myself in a bit of an attack last night from a round of girls that were not my friends. They were strangers... someone else's friends at a party last night.

"Well then you mustn't care about people if you don't care to call them.. If I don't hear from someone I'm dating within three days, I think it's wrong."

But it's not wrong if you don't hear from your family or friends for a while? Seems a bit needy to me and egotistic. I hate talking on the phone. My own mother knows that and she doesn't hold it against me. I talk to her the most and sometimes I get busy that she doesn't hear from me for several weeks."

"If you cared, you'd make the time. How do you ever date and have boyfriends?"

"I'm busy."

"You can't experience life by not dating."

"You don't necessarily experience life or love with dating. It is a frivoulous ritual. All these rules to call and be at one another's beck and call or else you are not loving each other."

And so the eyes rolled and the girls gave me a smug look to tell me that my naivete was a sign of stupidity to them and worthy of a good poke.

I had one very good friend standing in the side quietly listening. I wasn't exactly getting fed to vultures but there was a sense that these strangers didn't understand nor liked me. Someone had led them to have a conversation with me. They found the bits of information too intriguing to not take on.

"You mustn't care about people if you don't want to experience them."

"I do.. It's called FRIENDSHIP."

I told the girls that they had it backwards maybe.... this falling in love stuff.

So they hang out with someone HARD CORE for a couple of months maybe longer and call it a serious relationship. Breaking up becomes this drama that sometimes turns someone's life upside down and then they break off saying they never had much in common and that they can't be friends.

Were they really friends in the first place?

I may not have a history of "serious relationships" to credit many lessons on love to meet the standards of these girls.. But I have a history... NO...history means past and gone...

I have the loyalty of serious friendships which include family members. I don't have as many lost yesterdays to speak of because my relationships endure. The guys that I didn't choose as they might've preferred during college are still friends that remember my birthday and are somewhat up to date with my life. I experience respect and support from them. And I don't need to hear it every three days to believe it. As for lovey dovey romance, I think I'll have my season yet.

Thinking something is wrong... THAT is a choice. I can experience love in being present."

The girls didn't understand me in the end. They chose to excuse themselves for a cigarette. But my friend who quietly sat listening came forward after the crowd left and told me that she understood exactly how I felt.

That meant a lot to me.

Love is friendship on fire. Are your friendships ON FIRE???

JNET

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Because He Taught Me How To Listen




I haven't connected with the mathematician in a while.

I had been travelling and working... as well as visiting with family as projects and rehearsal schedules gave space. Is it possible to love someone, miss them... and then get too busy to feel sad? I've been excited and in love with my life and don't feel a need to validate my joy through him or anyone.

I do think of him everyday and hope all is well with him and his studies. He's listened to me like these dandelions that carry wishes away with them. He is so intentional, on purpose and committed to meeting his goals. And I know he is joyful in his solitude as he maintains his focus and builds his future.

And so I write, dance, and practice Albeniz putting my wishes out into the universe. I live, breathe and dream my life in the freedom that I was borne into to think and create. I can only practice trusting in the beauty of life.

Sometimes I cry and feel tired in my frustrations and get passionately caught up in distractions. But never too long to cloud my sense of vision..

Mystic's conversations were interesting and intriguing this past week... We talked about pursuing dreams this week and that they were things that you don't walk away from but rather choose every day despite moods and opinion. I don't know his dreams, his purpose, sense of integrity and intention like the mathematician. But his friendship is valuable and insistent.

And so I listen... like the dandelion that listens for my dreams. These songs we all play from inside are precious.

Because he taught me how to listen

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Because Red Was Her Favorite Color.... Like Me

The lady across the hall passed away.

No one had heard anything of her for several days. The girl above said she hadn't seen Kay out and about for at least 4 or 5 days. The police went to the girl's apartment below to see if they can use her balcony.

I went out and saw that Kay's car was parked and told the paramedics. We waited for the worse as they broke down her door to get into her apartment.

I can still hear the splintering of the wood as they cracked down the door.

Having befriended someone that adopted her as his mom away from Minnesota, it was I who gave him "the call" and to get him to notify the woman's son and daughter. My cell phone became the contact point between family and the police.

But I'm not here to write of her death. Though she died alone, I wanted to share that she was not unnoticed.

Kay was our building manager, very old and suffering from many health challenges. Many of us had offered to help her out but she liked to keep to herself most days. On the times that she was more up to sharing, she was great. And this is what I will remember of her:

Kay's favorite color was red and had her apartment painted cheerfully. Her favorite holiday was Christmas. She didn't care if it wasn't Christmas, everyday was Christmas to her. She used to sing "in the day" and liked to tell stories of her performing days.

She had a story about Stephen Sondheim that I will never know the ending...

Her favorite food was macaroni and cheese and she adored music. The most dressed up I ever saw her was for an evening out to the Hollywood Bowl with friends. She was proud of her children and worried over their health and wished she could see them more often.

She liked to keep to herself and it took time to get these little tidbits in knowing her. And though she died alone and liked to keep to herself, she did not go unnoticed.

Rest in peace... Kay

Monday, July 10, 2006

Adoring Albeniz

I planned on spending the weekend with Albeniz. I wanted to dig into Evocacion, a difficult piece that would demand that my head, heart and soul connect together... something that I have not had together in harmony for a while.

I began memorizing Cordoba as well and it felt good to feel it.

I adore Albeniz's music because it makes me think of the mathematician. It is what he plays for me on his guitar when I am with him as well as his own compositions.

If what we believe about the multi-dimensions of reality is true, then I want to believe that when I play Albeniz; the universe will tell him that I am saying hello to him. I don't know if it's romantic rubbish. I just know how he is and all I can do is trust it as he disappears into his work. Does he hear me in the subleties of his silent moments and thinks of me?

Meanwhile life has given me one heck of a road to travel and the lessons are challenging. Freedom and free will is quite a gift and I wonder how I might best navigate with the choices and take on the lessons with integrity.

I bring all things side to side to my defintions of truth and love and in the light of it I am looking for what makes me see God in the face of Life. I'm looking for that divine smile that I can feel in my soul. I know those moments of bliss, they teach me how wonderful life is and that i am never alone.

Sometimes it is not easy to see God's face in the path. I've been in a box trapped with my fears and insecurities. Welcome to the real world! God is for children and weak-minded adults! Get with the program, life is dirty and cold!

Welcome to the real world?

But that is only one strand of reality... and not a very powerful one to want to keep up in the game of life.

If I spend a day listening to Albeniz, Bach, Rachmaninoff, I only hear divine genius and it is enough for me to believe in heavenly realms. And that is another strand of reality; the beauty of genius.

And then I know life is also absolutely empty and meaningless and that it is I that is the definer and creator of my world. Welcome to MY world where notes, words, images, numbers are passcodes opening secret doors. Thinking, critical mass, opinions of reality, string theory, sophrosyne, conversations about God and Now, tipping points onto realms of heaven, love and devotion is the language of my kingdom.

I felt graced this weekend in resolving to connect to "higher power". From my silence and brokenness, my voice was heard and friends spontaneouly showed up at my door to say hellos and say that they missed me and wanted to share some time together.

It was a good time between Albeniz and friends. I was able to share not from tiredness and frustration... rather from a place where I felt like a ruler of my life again.

Friday, June 16, 2006

In The Spotlight

This has been "bash the mathematician" week... and in a way, it felt like bash JNET week too.

My epistolary affections with the mathematician is cornering my attention and my other prospective suitors watch my solitude with impatience. I sit with my piano with occasional little interludes away; here and there.

My crush is more eccentric than I with a dazzling quiet intellect. I'm hypnotized. I wish the spell could be broken. Wandering in my freedoms, I find myself back to where I began. I understand his moodiness, his silence, his peace, his arrogance, his vision and his kindness. For some reason, I accept it and can be happy.

As for the mathematician bashers... I don't understand their moodiness, their angers, their ambivalence as they ride their emotions hinged on my making a secure position for them.

I could choose those emotions towards my mathematician too. And then I remember a conversation we had one day on the couch philosophizing over what is security...

It doesn't come from the other person.

And we talked about how relating was a lot more deep and subtle than the blaring way that people like to announce their sense of belonging to another... or possession of one another.

I was present to honesty, generousity, affection and love that day. We knew we had a lot of growing up to do on our own.

It was a phrase that occassionally came up between sighs...

"I need to grow up."

Just certain parts of us... and then we played and laughed like the day would never end. And then off to our respective lives we went... to grow up... to complete that doctorate degree... to experience independence and freedom.. to deal with our own private fears and issues...

I have no promises to speak of and I pursue my life with the mathematician in mind and without the mathematician in mind. He stands on his own integrity.

And though he is not in the spotlight in any obvious way, presenting me with gifts and humoring every social call that I attend, he intimidates and frustrates my other suitors who have more opportunity to shine their presence before me.

My singularity and solitude seduces the attention of onlookers. I am alone, one face among millions and yet I feel as if I am in the spotlight. If I am on stage, then my contesting suitors look upon me as a audience member, sitting in the darkness while I am studied under glaring lights.

If they are not sitting in passive admiration, then they sit at attention at the edge of their seats, poised to make a sound when the imaginary conductor finally moves the baton...

It's a strange way to pursue a duet.

And so the stage is being set by attempting to destroy the character of an unseen lover when every opportunity is given to them to shine and stand on their words, build trust, demonstrate their integrity and that they are capable of friendship and the vast beyondness into Love.

It's funny how quiet corners sometimes get so much attention.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Lessons My Piano Taught Me


by **Anna.

When I was little I joked that I was going to marry my piano when I grow up...

Now that I'm a grown up, let me tell you what the piano has taught me about love.

I am free to express myself... to love is to breathe life and passion to what I am saying and playing..

It's a choice to play.

Grow sensitive to the subtleties within the pieces I play. Love the details I discover.

I don't need an audience to be in love.

Discipline and practice is interesting and life changing. I learn how to make a stand for myself and not get swept away by circumstances.

Quality of life improves by putting value to time. It's not about quantity but rather quality.

Be present with the moment. Enjoy the NOW for what it is. Time keeps moving and a new measure is always at hand.

Mistakes are not more important than the intention of creating something worthy.


I find that I will always return to what I love because my voice makes sense through them. I feel free, alive and real.

JNET

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Heart Of Desire


by HD .


"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The non-existent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired."

-- Nikos Kazantzakis

I received roses and was treated to lunch today at work.

"So what did you wish for?" I was asked immediately.

Something wonderful, of course...the same thing I've wished for since I can remember wishing on birthday candles and shooting stars....as well as wishing wells and first stars of the night.

My mathematician once told me that he was eradicating the words "wish" and "hope" from his vocabulatry and I felt very hurt that he would take away such magical words away from his life. But I understood where he came from. Some people clothe their wishes and hopes with passivity.

Ahhh but my wishes and hopes are not mere copper pennies and passing thoughts across the night sky. My passions and desires aren't blown away and forgotten after the candles are out. I am the space and clearing that I am creating to manifest these wishes and hopes of mine.

To have what one's heart desires, I must develop my heart of desire.

JNET

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I Dare the Waves to Claim Me



















I wished to have studied the violin so that I can pose for pictures such as this.

I've spent many moments on the rocks at La Jolla like this in the past daring the ocean to have a few words with me. It never crashed close enough.

I rarely go to the ocean now. It was once a place I went to when I was only sad or angry and it was near home and gave me another roar to hear beyond myself.

For the life of me, I can't remember what got me so upset in the past... Maybe it was just teenager angst.... most likely following a walk-out from a disagreement with my mom. I don't indulge my emotions in such a way anymore. Anyway, I now live 30 minutes from the beach and not 10 minutes. And I don't walk away from uncomfortable conversations. I just go into my head.

I had an interesting evening last night with someone who is determined to make himself special to me.

"Do you have emotions for me?"

"What is that like? I think emotions can be excessive."

"Do you miss me when we're not together? (silence) ..... Hmmm... You've never been in love, otherwise you would understand. That's fine. What is it that I always tell you?"

"You tell me many things..."

"Everything is FIXABLE"

I'm still trying to recall the talk but we got sidetracked into another conversation. But something settled with me from that conversation and that was that this person is really working at getting to me. I'm still wondering what he meant from "everything is fixable." I text messaged him. Maybe I'll get an answer before I finish this blog entry.

The waves of life are trying to have a few words with me.

I had a similar conversation with another person and the flavor was reminescent in spirit though different in words.

Splash!

And yet I stare at the vastness that is the ocean of life and listen to the pulse of sound hum but nothing touches me. Still the ocean is alive and I can't help but listen.

This just came to my e-box:

It's like one big hall of mirrors, isn't it, JNET?
Except, of course, that the halls of time and space reflect what you choose to think.

Hmmm....

JNET

Thursday, December 22, 2005

12.22.05

Leading the introspective life in restraint of emotional excess is not a life void of love or passion.

"Life is a comedy for those who think

and a tragedy for those who feel."

Horace Walpole



The topic at the dinner table last night was "leading with your heart" versus "leading with your head." What defines how you are doing what? Who is to say they are exclusively separate ways of coming to a decision? Seeing that emotions can be indulgent and demanding, how can one say that they are on the path of truth and free of ego?

I know a boy who is always in love with a new girl each week. I know a girl who falls in love every few months. They both get engaged in relationships that consume them and then fall out of love and are next considering a new adventure. I have a difficult time keeping up with their lastest crush.

I've only considered ONE relationship to pursue since I've graduated from high school. And that is the mathematician. I've only one crush since grade school... and that is the mathmatician.

I sometimes wish I could "fall in love" every few months and be excited about a new person but that has never been the case.... except for the mathematician. He has been the invisible current that has inspired a great deal from me... If I was a different sort of girl, maybe we would have followed one of many formats....dinners, movies, drinks... blah blah blah.

That would consume a lot of time.

I couldn't play my life that way only to start another repetition of intense dramas and then no enduring friendship to speak of afterwards. It is perhaps another style of living and it works for people who are more "feely feely," suited to a more tactile experience and in need of possession or in need to be possessed. I don't know. Most of my failed relationships of yesterday are my successful friendships that endure today.

What does falling in love every few months or weeks offer? I don't have the patience to give myself over to that and I don't think my mathematician has such impulses either...

I wouldn't have been able to dance, work on my writing or music, or been part of the things I am involved with today that is important to me right now. He wouldn't be involved with his work at school and the embassy. And he is up to more things than I.

We're up to experiencing life and growing up within our respective worlds...

To be compelled to follow the other format works for a lot of people but it doesn't work for my path. It may seem odd. We may seem cold. It is demanding in some respects and every bit as vulnerable as love should be, teaching lessons on patience, trust, kindness.

Love is more than just companionship, an excuse to explain a relationship pulse and a sure date.

It is not about "a relationship".... it is about a relationship to life and with life.

JNET



"How can there be any questioning of acquiring or possessing

when the one thing needful for a man is to become -

to be at last and to die in the fullness of his being."

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Friday, October 21, 2005

Ranting the Dating Dilemma

My new roommate arrives from Manhattan tomorrow.

I am happy to have someone new and cool (she's friends with E. (the boy next door) who moved to Manhattan last year).. They've been working at Birdland together.

I am having a quiet evening alone at home. I am so lazy that it is nearly midnight and I haven't had dinner yet. I've had a bit of chocolate and a glass of red wine. I practiced "Big My Secret" by Michael Nyman... until the wine finally hit me. Nyman writes tragically beautifully for the soundtrack of the the movie "The Piano". Unfortunately, I became tragically too tired to concentrate and began playing less right notes distracted by hunger yet without a clue about what I'm hungry for.

I finally decided to write as I contemplate what to have for dinner.

Last Friday, I managed to depress myself thoroughly after talking to M. about dating dilemmas and living in Los Angeles. Maybe I was having "the grass is always greener" notions, thinking Boston is a better place to meet people...

Maybe I am just missing my mathmatician who's been so busy at school. He's still my number ONE crush having no real competition. I don't know if it's because I've been struck by cupid's arrow or there is truly a lack of good prospects to create a worthy rival. But then, before him, no one has caught my attention since 6th grade.

M. told me that I am lucky being a girl... "girls always get opportunities"... boys deal with "more rejection." I had to beg to differ. There are many of the male species that will pursue anyone of the female persuasion. And with the dramatic stories I catch wind of during daily life, it doesn't matter what crazy stuff she's up to or how she looks.. as long as she has a pulse. How do you discern love from arbitrary chasing for a shag?

Is the fellow prospecting for love when the main conversation centers around their surprise that they've found a single girl? What does it mean when all they can say is "God, you are so beautiful." And some start talking about what they are looking for in a wife and then I realize that I'm getting interviewed for the role when I'm just trying to figure out if they would be fun to hang out with. Some start dumping right away the worries of their life and revealing their failures.

Is the fellow prospectiving for love or a therapist? It baffles me when someone can figure that they are so fond with me when they haven't seen my writing, heard me play the piano, dance or sing or find out what my interests are; my likes and my dislikes.... We talked only about their career, their failures and trials... and how I've magically appeared to them like an oasis in the gray that is their life.

"What is your dream?"
"To find love... to find a girl just like you."
"No really, you must have a dream... what is the most important goal for you to reach?"
"Love is the most important thing and all I want to do is find out how to make you happy."
"What ELSE is important to you beside me? Something important to ONLY you."
"There is nothing more important than love... What kind of girl are you? What's wrong with you?

Arrgghh... and THIS is called an opportunity for love?

The mathematician has woven himself into my life because not only has he heard me play, read some of my work, but he's also shared his dreams with me, given me a role to be his friend and an encouragement, as well as read and loved a few of my favorite books, fiddled with my computer to helped me be more efficient in my work and has had enough interest to know of my friends if not personally then by name at least. He pays attention to my stories ... he pays attention to my life and is one of the few people that's interested in me that knows my likes and dislikes. And he's the most positive person I know...even when he is frustrated!

I wish more guys were like that. Dating would be much more fun.

As for some of the other suitors....

The evening usually turns into a comic Pepe Le Pew scuffle with me announcing the end of the evening. The "attraction" is really not personal... when the calculating is so obvious. They are not present to me and I'm going through a script of how they date to find what they are looking for. I just happen to look a certain way and I like to be nice and easy-going up to a reasonable point without compromising who I am. There is little spontaneity, silliness or fun... I become present to their fear, their fumbling, their fishing. And then I become sad... because the friendship that I am trying to create for the evening is just a ghost of one as I find myself speaking to deaf ears as they nod and smile and have another go at pulling me closer to them. And then I get chided for being unromantic.

What I learn from these Pepe Le Pew experiences is that if I'm to be myself, it would be when I'm finally alone with myself again. I don't enjoy an evening of sexual bullying. Prefering my solitude over playing cat and mouse is a saner existence.

Funny, my mathematician is the only one that doesn't feel like he's making calculations when we're together.

JNET