Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

love is a compass

The world laments hardship. It would be easy to indulge into it with a mere click and resign into its normalcy.

Certain days may happen and feel like demanding brats. But what kind of negativity slayer would I be to allow such days to spoil my world?

This year is a total turnaround from last. From a space of silence, noise that hid within the complex harmony of life exposed itself. Good friends sat with my silence and gave me stories of strength and visions of hope when I couldn’t write. I decided to study flamenco dance so that my love for art and expression can have a voice, rhythm and structure.

How to save a life? Therapy? I chose art. Reading music gave me blurring headaches, I was too broken for words and all color and design lost its click appeal. Dance was it; specifically flamenco. I immersed myself, learning new counts, words, how to hold my arms. I learned choreography to bulerias, tangos, sevillanas, guajiras, fandangos, siguiriyas. Dance pieced me back together along with a handful of dear people.

This year I began playing the piano again and the blurring headache is at bay. I’m studying flamenco at least 5 hours a week. I’m having friends over and feel like making new ones. I’ve returned to my Filipino dance group and we’re rehearsing at least 8 hours a week preparing to perform at the Getty in a couple of weeks….the Skirball and Hollywood Bowl later this summer. My truest friends shined during my darkest year and helped a silent artist find its way.

This negativity slayer learned that no battle is won alone. The sequoia tree does not stand alone. Below the ground level is a constellation of intertwining roots. And due to my roots, I was able to heal in silence, find music again through dance, feel comfortable to perform and find the words to say hello rugged angels. It is possible to love your life and live a life worth living even after the darkest and silent time.

JNET

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Her Hello To Be Mean-Spirted


Fortunately, it is a rare occurence for I'd rather write of the exciting things that are coming down the pipeline of jnetsworld. But recently, I was surprised to have a guest hello put smugly on my facebook wall. Friends checked in... and my mother called.

I decided to check out www.urbandictionary.com for the meaning of my name since it was the novel status update of the moment that my friends were playing up. My friend, BT, complained that his stood for British Telecom, Bible Thumper or Bong Tokes for lack of a colorful meaning. Mine on the other hand was a fun one and so I posted it.

JNET: A beautiful, sexy, and intelligent woman. Unique. DON'T let her go once shes yours. If you have lost her already- get her back. She will prove to be the best in every aspect. Jeannettes like romance, make a standout gesture.. To get what you really want you have to take a chance. Risk it all or lose it all.

Cool, I thought. I liked it and shared. It was met with enthusiasm by my friends and my mom congratulating herself for picking a good name. The innocent fun got a slap by a surprise hello from someone that had never bothered to post anything on my wall ever before. I was taken back.

K decided to take a different voice and drop an unsolicited stink bomb. Nevermind that I never held ill feelings toward her and even thumbs up'd several great photos in her album to celebrate vicariously her happiness. The only thing I could think of was that she was sticking her nose in business that was not hers and rather choosing to discourage any chance of creating further connection.

Her curt comment was upsetting and perhaps that will be her pleasure. I am accustomed to being able to clear communication and confront misunderstandings right away. But what is one to do when an acquaintance who I have less than three conversations a year takes a butter knife jab at me? What do you do with contempt from left field?

FRIENDS: "Get rid of her. What is she doing being counted as your friend? Remove her!"

I am lucky that I have loyal friends to stand by my side immediately. They've been busy making lemonade. Remove her? She's supposed to be like family.

This unfortunately does not bode well for a particular suitor and my enthusiasm to join his family. It was his sister's comment that brought alarm causing my mom to call and ask about it.

Shall I put the blame on impetuous youth? The planets being misaligned? Is Mercury in retrograde? How to forgive this certain transgression? Did I even have a friend remotely in her? Was she full of pretense? Or is she plainly mean spirited? Someone that I wouldn't want around my someday children?

She did afterall proudly introduce herself as a "bitch" to me at her own birthday party. And with this blog entry, I leave her, it, to stand as is, my status update that I thought was fun - disrupted by an energy that I am at a lost in creating a resolution.

Her ways do not make sense to my world. I create art. I want to make life beautiful... not just pretty in the surface.

So what's a negativity slayer to do? How to build a bridge when one finds that the ground one stands on is hostile? Is it wise to grow futures on land that has mines? Is this subtlety indicative of dynamics I need to be mindful of? Doesn't everyone learn the rule that if you have nothing nice to say... say NOTHING? Before kindergarten?

JNET

Here follows the post of a different world crashing up against jnetsworld:

Status update posted on facebook to entertain myself.. placed before 500+ friends, students and colleagues....

JNET: A beautiful, sexy, and intelligent woman. Unique. DON'T let her go once shes yours. If you have lost her already- get her back. She will prove to be the best in every aspect. Jeannettes like romance, make a standout gesture.. To get what you really want you have to take a chance. Risk it all or lose it all.

Jeannette Hollyday

Jeannette

I like it :)
February 4 at 11:37am

James Pham

James

Wow. The more I get to know you the more I like... ; )
February 4 at 1:00pm ·

Jeannette Hollyday

Jeannette

Thanks bro! Send my regards to the phamily :)
February 4 at 1:11pm ·

Kristina Blanco

Kristina

I don't believe in these things. However, I guess it can be entertaining regardless if it's true or completely imaginary.
February 4 at 3:55pm ·

Paula

Re: the post above mine - I don't think anyone really believes urbandictionary.com is going to define them or their personality by their name. It is definitely for entertainment purposes, as are most facebook posts!
February 4 at 4:34pm ·

Kristina Blanco

Kristina
agreed.
February 4 at 6:16pm

Jessie Sinatra

Jessie

that's right beezy... Let's not be haters... Love me some jnet.
Sat at 7:29pm ·

Michael Shire

Michael

Definition seems to be missing some stuff, like ambition, drive, and huge smiles.
Sun at 11:56pm.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

TOASTMASTERS: Playing With My Eyes Closed


How many of you have played games such as "pin the tail on the donkey" or perhaps have been blindfolded to hit a pinata?

"I can do it with my eyes closed."

It's a simple and profound game which my students initiate. They close their eyes and they play something on the piano with their eyes closed and their head held up high. I watch them as they perform proudly.

But is this all child's play, playing pin the tail on the donkey, hitting down a pinata, playing the piano with your eyes closed? How many of you play with life and do things with your eyes shut?

Good evening fellow toastmasters, honored guests, and music students. My name is JNET and this evening I am presenting my 8th speech titled, "Mastery Within the Darkness: A Music Lesson in Seven Minutes. I will be demonstrating my comfort with using visual aids. But before I begin, I put before you a quote to consider as I speak and give you a visual journey,

"It is only with the heart that one sees rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."

So how many of you "play" with your eyes closed? What is it to play in that dark space called your mind? Is it really fun? Or is it scary?

Like the deep end of the pool, so is learning to play and stretch your mind. You are beyond notes and staring at black and white. You are in your head and you are looking for the music in the dark.

What is it like? Well, you have no where to hide your mistakes while on a piano bench. I suppose you can pretend to yourself that you didn't hear that string of terribly wrong notes but most likely you'll press forward and play. And like those other childhood games, press on to get it right. Pin that tail, hit that pinata, make music and get the candy.

Mastery within that darkness in your mind is about playing a game with fear.

When I say fear I do not mean that emotional response to a threat. Come back to me, my student, we are simply on a piano bench. There is no need for your survival mechanisms to rev up. There is no threat of pain or danger.

And yet the fear of making a mistake may inspire one to not play at all or to play stilted.

You can't make music this way and playing Life in this matter will undermine your expression of yourself. Therefore, you practice, you know your material. You don't need to see everything but you need vision in your head and you master the darkness in there.

Playing does get easier with practice and you get move on to more advanced pieces where you still practice in the darkness of your mind.

It's an interesting place to play. How many of you cannot play a sonata? Cannot?

This is my recent sonata that I practiced in Hawaii.

I do not know how to swim but I played out anyway because I wanted to do some underwater photography. I hit a lot of wrong notes and got a lot of blurry pictures as well as bruises from the cage. But I eventually got these shark photos.

My conducting professor, Dr. Cokkinias always postulated..

"Life is about practicing; preparing."

And success follows when opportunity meets with your practice.

"It is only with the heart that the one sees rightly."

You don't need to see everything but you need a vision and start playing. Your heart will not be memorizing your mistakes; it'll keep your vision in sight as you plonk your way through the darkness.

"I'm going to play this amazing piece."

And you have a tiny keyboard at home to practice on. And you only have 10 fingers. That's where Beethoven is gonna come out??? Yes!

Well this is my camera; a humble though cute digital camera. What can I take with this thing?

With practice and this instrument, I've taken these recently at a photo shoot. I am surrounded by talented players. Who are believing in me despite my own personal darkness.

I do not know what an F-stop is. I do not know how to control everything perfectly. I play lots of wrong "notes". But like friends at a party, they smile and laugh, put the bat back in my hand and cheer me on to play.

Do you understand how playing with your eyes closed can be fun? And yes scary but worth every bit of practice.

Will you go now and practice with your eyes closed sometimes? Hold on to the vision in your mind as you practice.

And always, have fun.

Thank you fellow toastmasters and honored guests. Your music lesson is over. Go home now and practice and see you next week.

JNET

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

TOASTMASTERS: Composing My Life


DO YOU UNDERSTAND FORTISSIMO???

Maybe you do in the space of exciting measures where life announces joyful news, celebrates a win, or even sounds the music of battle and debate.

"I am loved!"

"I won the competition!"

"I'm right.. You're wrong!"

"No, IM RIGHT and YOU ARE A LOSER!!"

"LOVE ME! LOVE ME! LOVE ME!!!"

Fortissimo.

The emotions of happiness and the emotions of anger can also be expressed pianissimo and speak volumes about your gratitude for the blessings you enjoy or your pain that you endure on a prayer.

Fellow toastmasters and honored guests. My name is JNET and I am your music teacher for the evening presenting my 7th speech from the CC manual. My speech tonight is called Composing Life, a Music Lesson in Seven Minutes.

Leonard Bernstein appropriately said that

"To achieve great things, two things are needed; a plan, and not quite enough time."


How many of you know you have the power to create? Then in the musical spirit, I would like to pose this thought, perhaps you can compose too?

Can growing your music skills grow "an admirable heart" as the founder of the Suzuki method purposes?

What happens when you combine curiousity and a musical instrument?
[*bring out instrument]

Compare the experience with watching television. One brings about action in doing while the other fosters passivity. It does take a while to grow an admirable heart though.

You'll learn and care about something called technique through study and excercise.

If and only IF, you care to develop discipline and become an athelete that succumbs lots of hurdles... called YOUR MISTAKES. For you left brainers out there, that means you practice and practice to understand these symbols in black and white and terms in French and Italian until you make very little mistakes and make something beautiful. And for you right brainers out there, it means you practice and forgive yourself enjoying being able to learn from mistakes and love learning music for the experience of the moment while striving for accuracy. And isn't it nice that you are not condemned to be a lefty or righty when it comes to studying music. It's a matter of two hands and two sides of your mind creating TOGETHER to a level of craftsmenship.

Why would you want to develop skills in craftsmenship? It doesn't sound cool and hip. Are you making cabinets? It sounds like a lot of WORK and maybe you don't care to be craftsmen or a maestro.

Maybe you want to be a maestro in different ways? You want to be successful in your career or in your personal life?

Well did you know that Music majors are the most likely group of college grads to be admitted to med school? And a study of 7,500 university students revealed that music majors scored the highest reading scores among all majors including English, biology, chemistry and math.

What skills do you think you would gain from knowing what's going on in black and white in front of you? What hobby makes you study the details in black and white and yet gives you space to be creative to demonstrate your mastery? Where do you practice sustained effort in the space of mistakes? Just to express a melody as you imagined in your head?

I think Life will read differently to you if you all learned read and play music. And I wonder if you would enjoy and travel Life differently if you fed your creative and curious side with a musical vehical. I think you would seek out and follow the fine print in a different spirit from how you pursue other "fine print."

Like this...

Bach Prelude in D minor.....

Allegro moderato... medium fast ...non legato... but not connected rather disconnected... loads of stacatto.

Look at all these fast notes... woo hoo.... and all these get quiet and louder things to pay attention too...

So demanding... so specific..

And yet a worthy way to spend one's quiet time perhaps? You are just as demanding and specific as Bach is with your own life and dreams. How's your technique, composition and performance skills?

????

I end your music lesson now with a quote by Mozart.

"To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop."

See you again next week for your next lesson?

Thank you fellow toastmasters, composers, maestros and honored guests.

JNET

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Rugged Angel: Ubi Caritas


“U-bi ca-ri-tas et a-mor, De-us i-bi est”


The notes danced in a cheerful six eight meter. Next to a cluster of medicine bottles, a small candle on the kitchen table was lit, a crucifix supported upright in a small orange juice glass and two women sang a hymn to a congregation of one, Ms. Miramontes.


“Con-gre-ga-vit nos in u-num

Chris-ti a-mor.”


I chose to sit silently in the back pew; the furthest chair at the opposite end of the kitchen table. My stomach sang along. It was half past noon and all that I had for the day was a communion wafer. I annoyed myself with internal chastising for not getting a good night's rest, not having breakfast and feeling frustrated that time with mother on Mother's Day was going to be with other people at other people's homes before making it to the family gathering at my brother's home. For two verses I growled with my stomach before getting reeled into the reality three feet in front of me.


“Exul-te-mus, et in ip-so lu-cun-de-mur.”


A plastic container in the shape of the good lady of hope with a blue cap stood next to the flickering candle. The blue cap was taken off and mom's church sister Miss Lori or "Auntie Lori," blessed Ms. Miramontes with holy water while she sat in a light orange floral flannel nightgown trimmed with white dainty lace. She was frail but proud; weathered but noble. She gave a quiet cough and didn't smile but was unruffled by her condition. She held an air of dignity. My mother continued singing and handed me a hymn book motioning me to join in.


“Ti-me-a-mus, et a-me-mus

De-um vi-vum.”


It was my second "Mass" of the day. The first Mass was celebrated at a high school gym where I sat on a riser directly below the score board with my brother and his family. Mom sat with the choir, a modest collection of young people mixed with the granny club. I didn't sing. I listened. I listened to my nieces laughter, the gentle reprimanding of their parents, and the choir. My brother's babies delighted in the sounds their feet made when they jumped up and down on the shiny court; the guitarist strummed a false chord and the game pressed on. The altar and priest stood centered in the three point area before the basketball hoop while the bulk of the parishioners sat in the perimeter on folding metal chairs. I was content and happy to be away from my Sunday routine of teaching piano lessons in Beverly Hills. I was in the southernmost part of San Diego. I could see Mexico.


"Keep Mom company at her appointments and help her to NOT lose track of time." My brother instructed me earlier that morning when I emerged from the guest room. I had restlessly sat up most of the evening and managed a two hour nap. So it wasn't a surprise that somewhere between the high school gym and the five minute drive to Ms. Miramontes' home, I lost track of that Sunday sort of feeling.


Et ex cor-de di-li-ga-mus nos sin-cero.”


Thank God the hymn anchored me into the moment. I forgot my nagging stomach. I forgot about the family party that was waiting for my mother and I. And Ms. Miramontes patiently listened to a faster version of the Bible readings. She then assured us that she was fine, had been fed earlier and expected her caretaker to return. Mother's Day wishes were exchanged along with apologies for not being able to stay longer and we hastened from Ms. Miramontes' home to the next appointment where Sunday readings and Ubi Caritas was to be read and sung for the third time.


"Did you see the photographs of Ms. Miramontes? She was very beautiful."


"And still is, Mom."


"Should we call your brothers? We still have one last appointment. The next house might be a bit difficult in getting away. Mr. Rose likes to talk."


"No, let's just text them when we are close to the house. They already know that lunch is delayed. They'll call us if they need to."


Two hours of sleep, no breakfast, lunch delayed, a world away from Los Angeles returned to the old world where I am like a child once again, dragged around to Mom's errands.


"Peanut?"


"No thanks, Mom."


But I wasn't a child anymore. I had lost all my baby teeth, earned my driver's license, and held a degree. I could drive anywhere I want, sleep whenever I wish and enjoy the free will to eat cookies in bed.


But in my world of teaching, paying rent and figuring out the dating and marriage question while having fun with friends for late night meals and laughs, I missed that a cloth of arrogance and ignorance covered me. I had forgotten that I really wasn't a grown up. The people my mother spent her time with on Sunday afternoons were the real grown ups reminding me that I was still growing up. They were several decades ahead of me on the game of Life.


“U-bi ca-ri-tas et a-mor, De-us i-bi est”


My mother was right. Mr. Rose loves to talk. Upon entering his home, the eighty something year old puts an orange in my hand.

"Si-mul er-go cum in u-num con-gre-ga-mur:
Ne nos men-te di-vi-da-mur, ca-ve-a-mus."

"It is very sweet." He says in greeting, smiles and then disappears to retrieve Mrs. Rose.

"Ces-sent i-ur-gi-a ma-lig-na, ces-sent li-tes.
Et in me-di-o nos-tri sit Christ-us De-us."

The altar is set up again on the kitchen table. The holy water in the Mary container, the crucifix balanced in a small glass and the communion wafers are in place by the time Mr. Rose returns with Mrs. Rose. He wears a blue button down shirt with stripes. He looks ready for a stroll along the beach. But the furthest he likes to go is his garden. He likes to be near his wife. Mrs. Rose takes her place at the table in a cheerful red and white cotton gown with blue and red flowers on her collar. She's lovely and is also wearing a touch of lipstick. She smiles and gives me a hug right away and I sit down gingerly with the orange still in my hand.

“U-bi ca-ri-tas et a-mor, De-us i-bi est”


Mr. Rose recited the Bible readings as well as shared his personal insights during the homily. Mrs. Rose sat serenely through the service while her husband played pulpit from a recliner chair. He was very comfortable sharing how he felt inspired and moved by the words of the good book. We would've enjoyed staying longer to listen.

"Si-mul quo-que cum be-a-tis vi-de-a-mus,"

"Pardon us, Brother Rose." My mother signaled the wise man on his easy chair, "We would stay longer but it is Mother's Day, my daughter is here to visit me and my sons for the weekend."

"Not to worry." Mr. Rose gave an understanding smile and thanked us for humoring his thoughts with him.

"Glo-ri-an-ter vul-tum tu-um, Chris-te De-us."

The visit with the Roses came to a close shortly after.

"Gau-di-um qu-od est im-men-sum, at-que pro-bum"


The candle was blown out, the altar put away, oranges in hand and hugs exchanged.

"Sae-cu-la per in-fi-ni-ta sae-cu-lor-um. A-men."


Mother's Day lunch was celebrated with my two brothers, my sisters-in-law, their mothers and mothers-in-laws, and my nieces and nephews by three in the afternoon. We got caught up in a traffic jam on the way due to road construction closures. It was a good thing I accompanied my mom to her commitment. We never lost track of time. We sat with time. And time crystallized itself to a profound memory.

The table was still being prepared when we arrived. Everyone was very hungry but very cheerful.



JNET

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

SPEECH: Visualize Forgiveness


Sometimes I am so terrible with visualization exercises.

Despite several happy and successful past experiences at conferences and seminars, I am sometimes the girl that gets lost and falls off the visualization exercise trail.

(Prop 1)

I would be there... in my head... concentrating on the exercise... going through the landscapes in my mind... exploring how I might rub against my subconscious mind and then viola....

I'd miss a turn.

(Take off prop 1)

What was that word he said? Did he say stage or page?

It's not like you can interrupt and ask them to repeat themselves. Mind you, this is not a 2 minute skip through a garden type of exercise. It's more like a 20 minute hike across the grand canyon of focus.

And so, I would find myself off track because I missed a direction. I would be bumbling about in my head, trying to find that quiet place. But then find myself distracted and amused that a few individuals really got comfy in their quiet place and have started snoring.

Good evening Toastmasters and Honored Guests, tonight I will share what happened on a particular day when I didn't get lost during a visualization exercise. My name is JNET, and I present to you project number six from the competent communicator manual, titled "Visualize Forgiveness."

I was at the Wiltern Theater on a Sunday morning. It was a full house... so full that they didn't know where to seat me except at the front VIP section.

There I stood, eyes closed while I travelled through the ravines of my mind. The speaker asked that I bring upon the "stage" the various people that I had come to know. I don't know how long I dug in my memory. It was long enough to give me a sense that I was having a spree going through my mind. My thoughts were spinning. It felt torrential yet peaceful at the same time.

I grew my stage. Every family member, friend from childhood to the present time, crush, love, failed friendship, kind neighbor, teacher, mentor found a space on the stage.

And I was awed at the collage of people that made a mark upon my life... People that have given me joy, people that have disappointed me, people that made me laugh, people that made me cry.

I was no longer in the Wiltern. I was in this space called memory where I was directed to ask the question of those on stage if they stood for my personal evolution and personal journey. I had to ask each person and every person on that stage.

(Prop 2)

JNET: "Do you stand for my personal evolution and personal journey?"

ABC: "Yes."

JNET: "Do you stand for my personal evolution and personal journey?"

XYZ: "Yes."

JNET: "Do you stand for my personal evolution and personal journey?"

123: "Yes."

With each "yes" I became present to the power and delicateness of being human. Each "yes" excused the person from the stage and gradually I emptied that stage and became present to love.

But the best part had not yet come.

I was then asked to bring everyone back onstage and see the web that connected us. I saw them and the party of string that circuited between all of us. The collage of people floated like a dream.

I was then coached to sever the strings and set everyone free to move on to their own journey. And quickly I emptied that stage and all that remained was the litter of strings. I stood before a scene that I can only describe as devastating.

(Pull away Prop 2) I don't know how long I stood in the center of that quiet chaos. Slowly, pieces of the disarray faded away. To the right, the silly string blurs and fades into a black. This repeats to the left, above me, below me.. Blurring and a fading away to a darkness that is celestial.

In that final celestial darkness, a feather floated down and surprised me. One solitary, bright, white feather.

(Prop 3)

And I got what is was to visualize forgiveness.

Visualize forgiveness.

Thank you Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.

JNET

Sunday, February 1, 2009

SPEECH: Sleeper, Awake


[Open with Reveille]

Madam President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests. My name is JNET and this is my 4th speech which I have named "Sleeper, Awake".

Do you remember making forts out of bedsheets, climbing trees: exploring?


Maybe you can still remember fascinations with caterpillars and a once unwavering belief in fairy circles. Money paid from the tooth fairy, M&M's melting color into your hand, and a sky full of stars. And maybe it feels like a dream away.

Does growing up make the trees less green as we worry about rainforests or does aging make sunsets undazzling by the constant repetition of days followed by another day? Is life an overwhelming influx of color and information that either bogs or bores one's attentions from thoughts to smell flowers and feel happy.

You'd rather smell coffee... Now THAT'S peace of mind to you.

Your days of fireflies and butterflies are now mad blurs of work and holidays. Does that cup of coffee really wake you up? Do you feel like an eternal explorer and this moment an adventure? Or have we fallen asleep? Maybe suffering in the silence of a noisy life. Lulla-lies; lulla-byes.

Some sleepwalk. Maybe many of us and we have bruises we can't clearly explain.

How do we best name a word that speaks of the trance of indifference or distraction that we find ourselves woken from? What is it called to be returned to mindfulness from the challenging yet sometimes dulling drama of life? What is it called to figuratively pace around in a half sleep arms outstretched but not feeling the wakefulness of wonder?

What wonder is there worth being wakeful of beyond the bliss of childhood? The world has war, greed and injustice. But what if you can be captured by your imagination again and look at the world with refreshed eyes?

[play "sleeper, awake", cantata 140, 4th movement]

"Sleeper, Awake!" Specifically the 4th movement of Bach's Cantata 140. Familiar melody? Sometimes played at weddings... it is a processional piece. With the chorus, the tenors sing against an orchestral counterpoint. It is a joyous piece, the text is a call to mindfulness. The procession is approaching ... Are you prepared to join in? This is different from hearing Reveille.

Allow me to be a tenor here bearing a message in the procession of life. Allow me to also share that I understand the rigor of life can be both exhausting and exhilarating. Are you awake?

Am I awake? I keep in mind, Bach's joy.

What is it to suffer from sleepwalking? In its observed clinical sense, the subject does normal things that one does when awake; cleaning, walking. Their eyes are open but their minds are in a different place. Memory fails due to an unconsciousness of behavior. Sleepwalking is more commonly experienced in people dealing with high levels of stress, anxiety and it can affect people of any age.The disorder can go unnoticed unless brought to the attention by someone else..

Sleeper, Awake!

Who here has dealt with stress in unwise manners and yet has climbed a tall tree and came down safely? In one situation there is a perhaps regretful fall and in another situation, a happy return to the ground for a further adventure.

Are we sleepwalking? I pose the question to give you a perspective to play with and Bach's, Sleeper, Awake as a lens. Are you bumping against things and not exploring? I don't think you've outgrown yourself. I don't believe being a sensible adult is to leave wonder for small children. Perhaps, we doze off sometimes.

Reveille is not the call I bring to you. I wish to wake up the dreamer in you in this procession called life. I will close with a few lines I wrote in a poem named, "Awake, Dreamer."

POEM: Awake, Dreamer!

How many times will you look at the blue sky
before you forget to notice it?

At what point will you say you are satisfied
with seeing enough full moons?

You have an imagination
that has built castles in your childhood...
What do you build now, Dreamer?

From a cry you now speak...
What have you to say, Friend?
You are someone with a story
and you are the hero in every one of them.

Awake, Dreamer! Speak, Friend!


Sleeper, Awake.... Thank you Madam President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.

JNET


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Peacing Myself


I am back to a practicing the piano routine, as well as a writing / blogging routine. I have a photography shoot coming up in a few weeks and my dance group is in hiatus.

I feel like last year was about painting this huge mural (figuratively). It is now 2009 and I look at the many things I did last year and think... wow... I suppose I was a bit of a mad artist.

My piano chops had some fun for a little bit with a spell of intimate concerts at home with a flutist friend who is also a salsa friend. Those little gatherings at home were accompanied with small dance parties . All that sound and music activity gave way to an energy to put into blogging and podcasting. I went a bit extreme in countering my interrupted podcasting life by doing a show everyday for a week or so.. tapering to three a week until dance rehearsals became demanding and coupled with technical difficulties; a break from podcasting was needed.

Quieter my life became... summer dance rehearsals kicked salsa off my plate... Being tired and physically not up for extra demands other than my yoga and pilates practice ... I even stopped playing the piano. My teaching practice grew... and grew. I have students in a flying pattern to return to a open slot.

My life once had space to think and practice. How did it get so full? What do I think about all of this overwhelming "fullness?" Thank God. What else is there to think? I do want an even fuller life... paint bigger murals (figuratively)... therefore, I am working out the balance.

2008 was a workout... physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, intellectually...

I didn't want to sit still in my free time. I wanted to lie down!

Mom was having her second surgery of the year and the demands were up there... I pressed on as I am compelled to do. I kept up with my photography gigs though - for that project with a friend seemed to be my quietest project.

I rang in the new year ready to embrace solitude again yet was happy to share the day with gentle spirit people.

It's week two. I was in a car accident (minor) last week. My car is dinged but I am not. I am settling myself down.

I am peacing myself. And wishing peace to you.

JNET

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I Care For No Opinion

It has been brought to my attention several times that I really ought to watch my thoughts and how I express them.

E: Why don't you ask R for his opinion?

JNET: If R has something important to share with me, I think he would've shared it by now. Perhaps he trusts my judgement.. And if I really cared for his opinion I would've asked by now.

HA: Stay with safe topics and be agreeable. Things will be easier for you, if you take my advice.

JNET: You're the only one that seems to have a conflict with my ideas. I don't think you really understand me.

HA: You are naive and idealistic. I think I speak for several of your friends. I don't want to mention names and its only for your own good. Get in step.

The above is a simple collage of a re-occuring theme. Expressing one's self... even out of compassion and truth doesn't always make perfect landings on everyone....

But what if the majority of the people who know me would've never made the conclusions that a slim minority does.... should I change the way I am so that I can attempt at winning 100% ? Should I have to second guess myself and wonder if I've made the acceptance line after I've met a goal that I am happy enough with?

It is one thing to make special arrangements... like making sure your vegetarian friends are happy guests by preparing something special for them. But in the party of life, I don't think anyone has the right to tell the host how to entertain.

Can a guest tell you what you should serve or how you ought to dress and what you ought to talk about?

How would life go if we lived all on the opinion of the loudest complainer of the crowd? Wouldn't you have to change everything with each different place you encountered?

In the end, it only seems to make sense to be myself. I care for no opinion. I don't mind listening and settling out misunderstandings. But to change myself simply due to an opposing opinion.... I see no sanity in that.

Would you change yourself if I told you...

I don't understand you. Be like me and I'll accept you and so will the rest...

Ahhh... how the "voice of friendship" sometimes speaks....

JNET

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Feeling Heavy in a Zen Sort of Way

I go through moments where I am sitting in the chair of emotions and then shortly, visited by lengths of peace. Disappointment and sadness punctuated the hours. The practical side of myself looked at these moments as ego based and in the peace of detachment....

I look to the future.

I expect a miracle.

A miracle? Like a walking across the water miracle? No... but something wonderfully unexpected, gracefully creative, captivatingly honest and inspiring. That's my dream. It makes walking away from anything less, easier.

Shall I let myself be free into the unknown to meet truth and my dream or shall I accept less and live a life caged in mediocrity and hopelessness? Sadness had exhausted me over the week. It stole the wind out of my week's dear victories and joys. But I remember the moment when a clearing came to pass.


"To be happy is only to have freed one's soul from the unrest of unhappiness"
-Maurice Maeterlinck

I spent the week in silence, too sad to play the piano, heavy hearted; trying to learn the lessons that Life was whispering.

I found my joy again in remembering that my life is about expecting miracles.

Life as a work of art.

I am looking forward to my tomorrows.

JNET

Friday, March 28, 2008

Undisappearing Myself


I didn't fall in love with anyone in particular. ... but I fell in love with a world. So much so that I haven't had time to write, to blog, to podcast.

Pretty intense.

As much as my world had expanded and I was dancing on top of it, parts of it exploded as if to test me if I had the wherewithall to keep standing and keep going. New friends, parties, studying dance brought in new adventures. Life already felt lux and then I moved up to a new thread count.

My roommate L was not happy with it.

Contempt.... is not something that I keep regularly in my emotional vocabulary. But it was what I became alarmingly present to everytime I crossed paths L. Her two month stay stretched to the six month point... where I recommended that she start looking to move out... L wore down her welcome mat to the bare threads by playing musical jobs and imposing her financial struggles upon me. Her personal and social life was a mystery to me. I never lived with someone so abrasive who consistently jabbed with butter knife precision and yet spread the jam on thick when needed.

After several months of story from her and subsidizing her shortcomings, I struggled with the issue of "throwing a girl out onto the street".... I was busy too and didn't have time to think about her while happily engaged in teaching and studying dance. My efforts at inviting her to my social circles had failed and so I brought my friends home where she openly disregarded them and insulted my guests. I saw a bit of madness that actually made me wary. My friends became concerned over my safety with this girl....

a writer who relished in her writings... stories of tormenting the family pet... among other disturbing things. Hard to know these things on the get go. L was a pretty Korean girl that looked normal but stored social grace in the bin.... She used social grace like medicine; to fix things.

Not wanting to be placated by another story from her, I invited my closest friends to witness and manage a confrontation with her. L had not paid rent and it was a week past. She was busy entertaining her out of town guest and both retreated to her room with barely a polite hello for me.

They packed in the middle of the night with no intention to ever pay rent and stole the mail key from my key chain (among other things)...

Yes... it was drama... a bump on the road of life but after a fresh coat of paint, I had several friends ready with prospective new roommates to fill the space. I chose one and gained new friends with the rest.

That was February...

My new roommate B is visiting from London. He wins everyone's heart upon meeting and has been incredibly easy to live with. Home life is a sanctuary and a party once again and so I am now "undisappearing" myself.

It really wasn't the roommate drama that kept me from writing anyway. It was my passion for dance and music actually. I had begun studying salsa to fill my tango void and I made new friends that became like family to me. A salsera friend also is a flutist and now we enjoy practicing chamber music.

So my world is full of music and dance and I'm loving it. In between measures, there are meals and drinks with friends... and over meals, scripts are practiced out loud, dance techniques are discussed or Mozart is analyzed.

A not a single tinge of contempt is in my world... there is no room for it.

I missed writing, blogging and podcasting.... I am undisappearing myself and saying hello again.

JNET

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Dizzying Freedom


"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."

Soren Kierkegaard

Hmmm... a positive way to view anxiety.

It's way better than experiencing anxiety as a weighty burden to be saved from. I've had much on my plate lately and Anxiety has been riding shotgun on my rollercoaster. Among the many pieces of advice to "save myself from struggle" the worst one is that I ought to get married. Good God! How can anyone weigh in that Love is a factor when the motivation of Convenience breathes heavily on someone's head?

Fortunately my love supply from friends and family is abundant that I can't even begin looking at a guy in a savior light.

This past month, this past week has been FULL of DRAMA.

Yesterday, I spent the morning in court to give my two cents at a public hearing. Developers have been hungrily staring at my building and think it's perfect for tearing down and selling 900K condos. I did my civic duty. It was nice to be addressed at "Miss JNET, constituent".

The prior week, I learned of the hearing. What? My building is up for demolition?

I so NOT have the time for this.... It's enough just to worry about daily life... to have to worry about where to live and how... yadda yadda... puts my mind into outer space. But a tractor beam of sense came about and I found myself on the phone, knocking on doors and making new contacts.

I thought I had enough to think about. Life is running at a dizzying and sometimes nauseating speed. And yet, I can't say that Life is having a personal go at me. I have to forgive Life and find a way to say thank you. I'm up late writing to neighbors and council people. I'm up writing for my blog, my book, my radio show. I'm enjoying the students I have and I'm taking the extra time off in stride before my schedule goes crazy again.

Anxiety is not hopelessness to me... it is to experience the dizzyness of freedom.

Life does get better... Doesn't it? Such is the topic for tomorrow morning's blogradio show of Jnetsworld. Call in if you're free :)

JNET

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Illusion of Cycles



"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,
but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

Maria Robinson

N: "JNET, I am stuck in a cycle."

After some thought, something dawned on me.

JNET: "N, is it possible to consider that the cycle does not exist. Perhaps the cycle is a superstition."

A superstition? Those cycles of failures in life, one's shortcomings... a superstition?

Why not? Some people follow superstitions for good luck, some create the opposite.

It seems more expansive to take on a spiral paradigm, that one's slinky is either ascending or descending... depending on where one intends to move along... Whether one progresses on not is not a cycle... it's inertia.

To believe in only seeing the recurring "cycle" of life's failures and mishaps sounds like a way to adopt superstitious notions and dropping one's power... and responsibility...

SUPERSTITION: an irrational belief arising from ignorance or fear

Some thoughts to play with.

"do not bend the spoon, that is impossible"



there is NO spoon

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Going My Way?


"We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives,

other souls."

Anais Nin

Despite feeling dizzy, out-of-sorts, and on the edge of a fever, I decided to venture out to Hollyweird for a late night chat with an old friend; Mystic.

Personally, Hollyweird is not my flavor though the natives were amusing. And, of course, I was interested in seeing Mystic after ousting him from my kingdom a couple of months ago. He requested my audience and my stay-at-home and cosy-up-with-a-book plan wasn't going to work with his restlessness. It was a friendly night. We began the evening at a quiet hookah cafe and had a long, long talk over a badly prepared dirty martini at The Geisha House (chic place... shabby martini)...

JNET: "What do you want or need from me?"

MYSTIC: "What do you mean?"

JNET: "I believe we all have reasons for crossing certain paths and I thought we were complete with knowing one another, having learned as much as we could before we must press on with our respective lives."

MYSTIC: "I don't want to disconnect from you. I want to know you. You're unique."

JNET: "Everyone's unique."

MYSTIC: "Well, I want to keep knowing you and I want you to know me."

It was good to find the old friend I once enjoyed engaging conversation with. I told him about my adventures with Mr. B, my current crushes, and brought him up to speed with my life. And he enthusiastically shared how he had been growing his business. A lot has happened in two months.

In the end, I suppose I honored his request to remain in my kingdom. If there is anything I admire, it is commitment and persistence that is well articulated in word and spirit.

I don't think he fully understood how ill I had been feeling before he called when I asked for something for headaches and fever and something sweet and fizzy to drink....

He brought me Motrin, chocolate and a bottle of champagne. ha :)

Regardless of misunderstandings, I think Mystic means well. Regardless of misunderstandings, Mystic will try to create a space for understanding to grow our friendship.. He'll not stand for being a tourist to my world and wishes to be a friend for life.

JNET