In The Spotlight

by Krishna Rama.

This has been "bash the mathematician" week... and in a way, it felt like bash JNET week too.

My epistolary affections with the mathematician is cornering my attention and my other prospective suitors watch my solitude with impatience. I sit with my piano with occasional little interludes away; here and there.

My crush is more eccentric than I with a dazzling quiet intellect. I'm hypnotized. I wish the spell could be broken. Wandering in my freedoms, I find myself back to where I began. I understand his moodiness, his silence, his peace, his arrogance, his vision and his kindness. For some reason, I accept it and can be happy.

As for the mathematician bashers... I don't understand their moodiness, their angers, their ambivalence as they ride their emotions hinged on my making a secure position for them.

I could choose those emotions towards my mathematician too. And then I remember a conversation we had one day on the couch philosophizing over what is security...

It doesn't come from the other person.

And we talked about how relating was a lot more deep and subtle than the blaring way that people like to announce their sense of belonging to another... or possession of one another.

I was present to honesty, generousity, affection and love that day. We knew we had a lot of growing up to do on our own.

It was a phrase that occassionally came up between sighs...

"I need to grow up."

Just certain parts of us... and then we played and laughed like the day would never end. And then off to our respective lives we went... to grow up... to complete that doctorate degree... to experience independence and freedom.. to deal with our own private fears and issues...

I have no promises to speak of and I pursue my life with the mathematician in mind and without the mathematician in mind. He stands on his own integrity.

And though he is not in the spotlight in any obvious way, presenting me with gifts and humoring every social call that I attend, he intimidates and frustrates my other suitors who have more opportunity to shine their presence before me.

My singularity and solitude seduces the attention of onlookers. I am alone, one face among millions and yet I feel as if I am in the spotlight. If I am on stage, then my contesting suitors look upon me as a audience member, sitting in the darkness while I am studied under glaring lights.

If they are not sitting in passive admiration, then they sit at attention at the edge of their seats, poised to make a sound when the imaginary conductor finally moves the baton...

It's a strange way to pursue a duet.

And so the stage is being set by attempting to destroy the character of an unseen lover when every opportunity is given to them to shine and stand on their words, build trust, demonstrate their integrity and that they are capable of friendship and the vast beyondness into Love.

It's funny how quiet corners sometimes get so much attention.