SS: Courting The Dreams of My Mind

Despite a life spurning salt shaker ritual as plebian, I cannot say that I do not dream of love.

Los Angeles can be a very isolating, maddening and lonely place. I listen to those who lament the loneliness of not possessing a partner. I listen to those who hurt for not being possessed. I am only inspired further to seek the uncommon to trump my doubts.

JNET: "I'm looking for a king."

E: "A king?"

JNET: "But a specific type of king. There are many kinds of kings and I am looking for the best one for me."

I have crossed paths with many kings and the mathematician was my favorite. But like Queen Sheba who spent a season with King Solomon sharing riddles and wisdom, I had returned to rule my world with lessons from admiring someone so powerful and kind. His deliberateness in silence, word and action amazed me for I never met anyone as mindful and unhindered. He claimed everything in his path. Not many people show such dominion and grace. I usually meet people who'd rather live by their fears than their dreams.

I chose to leave. We had our respective worlds to build.

And yet I keep my regard for this passing king, not necessarily hoping that he returns but in faith that others will come. Others who will understand the testing of wisdom and solving of riddles. Others who will show that my passing king was just a glimpse of the future, a king who engenders goodwill and power.

I do dream of happily ever afters... I pass on the distractions of happy for now relationships. It is far better to be rule my world alone than in partnership with chaos.

I seek the uncommon.

JNET

SS: Waiting On Inspiration

He loves me... he loves me not yet... he loves me... he loves me not yet...

My muse has been MIA and still I am happy. A moment of missing him and sadness would come across me but a new moment would wash the feelings away.

I stopped writing. Looking at my archives, I see I've gone away for quite awhile. I've come back from my proverbial bermuda triangle where many wacky things occurred. I danced into a new world and gained a couple of new friends.

JNET: "Now if I can only squeeze you two into one person that is irresistibly kissable, then I have found true love."

I battle that side of me that looks upon salt shaker coupledom with skepticism. Isn't my true love "art"? Solitude had been my best friend.... a happy relationship supported by friends likewise engaged in their art, livimg lives that center around work that is synonymous to play and passion. We socialize over rehearsals, concerts, recitals, cd and book release parties... Not anti-social... perhaps just striving to be unencumbered and impatient toward frivolity.

A random day brought a collision of three people to an innocuous game night for Cranium and Catchphrase and a clan was born. Like long-lost bestfriends from third grade reunited finally after college, we tumble; silly and serious... - philosophical conversations segue to a cocktail and a boardgame moves on to practice a bachata. Eclectic and quirky... devoted without the secret oaths and carefree, I'm still not quite sure what's happened.

I absolutely adore C & E. They embrace individualism and balance sensitivity toward a collective connection. Their "distraction" has not deprived me of my art... True, I was not writing and I was not practicing the piano. At first I thought it was because I had lost sight of my muse. Still the thought of the mathematician brings warm feelings of affection over me. The power of mythology prevails. Interestingly, I returned with a new fire to my work, tailoring my time to include a new world and enjoying that I don't have to lose my style of solitude.

He loves me... he loves me not yet... he loves me... he loves me not yet....

Funny, I thought I needed my muse for inspiration... Rather, I'm finding that I am already inspired and enjoying the dynamic of others makes for a more interesting experience for me to express..

JNET

Undisappearing Myself

I didn't fall in love with anyone in particular. ... but I fell in love with a world. So much so that I haven't had time to write, to blog, to podcast.

Pretty intense.

As much as my world had expanded and I was dancing on top of it, parts of it exploded as if to test me if I had the wherewithall to keep standing and keep going. New friends, parties, studying dance brought in new adventures. Life already felt lux and then I moved up to a new thread count.

My roommate L was not happy with it.

Contempt.... is not something that I keep regularly in my emotional vocabulary. But it was what I became alarmingly present to everytime I crossed paths L. Her two month stay stretched to the six month point... where I recommended that she start looking to move out... L wore down her welcome mat to the bare threads by playing musical jobs and imposing her financial struggles upon me. Her personal and social life was a mystery to me. I never lived with someone so abrasive who consistently jabbed with butter knife precision and yet spread the jam on thick when needed.

After several months of story from her and subsidizing her shortcomings, I struggled with the issue of "throwing a girl out onto the street".... I was busy too and didn't have time to think about her while happily engaged in teaching and studying dance. My efforts at inviting her to my social circles had failed and so I brought my friends home where she openly disregarded them and insulted my guests. I saw a bit of madness that actually made me wary. My friends became concerned over my safety with this girl....

a writer who relished in her writings... stories of tormenting the family pet... among other disturbing things. Hard to know these things on the get go. L was a pretty Korean girl that looked normal but stored social grace in the bin.... She used social grace like medicine; to fix things.

Not wanting to be placated by another story from her, I invited my closest friends to witness and manage a confrontation with her. L had not paid rent and it was a week past. She was busy entertaining her out of town guest and both retreated to her room with barely a polite hello for me.

They packed in the middle of the night with no intention to ever pay rent and stole the mail key from my key chain (among other things)...

Yes... it was drama... a bump on the road of life but after a fresh coat of paint, I had several friends ready with prospective new roommates to fill the space. I chose one and gained new friends with the rest.

That was February...

My new roommate B is visiting from London. He wins everyone's heart upon meeting and has been incredibly easy to live with. Home life is a sanctuary and a party once again and so I am now "undisappearing" myself.

It really wasn't the roommate drama that kept me from writing anyway. It was my passion for dance and music actually. I had begun studying salsa to fill my tango void and I made new friends that became like family to me. A salsera friend also is a flutist and now we enjoy practicing chamber music.

So my world is full of music and dance and I'm loving it. In between measures, there are meals and drinks with friends... and over meals, scripts are practiced out loud, dance techniques are discussed or Mozart is analyzed.

A not a single tinge of contempt is in my world... there is no room for it.

I missed writing, blogging and podcasting.... I am undisappearing myself and saying hello again.

JNET

I'd Rather Dance Alone

Why does it sometimes have to feel like a battle to be myself?

I took some time to step into the sunshine only to meet with gunfire.

I had no idea that there was a war going on. I didn't know there was something terribly wrong that needed some righting.

The terribly wrong thing is my not being tied and gagged into a romantic relationship. That "something wonderful" that is being wished on me is that certain romance that I am willing to give up my music, my writing and my dance studies so that I can enjoy being a portable, adaptable all-inclusive entertainment system and put my personal therapist skills to "real" use. I would love to welcome a romance but don't see any point in entering the gates of love via uninspiring berating.

Is that the way of the world and I am totally off step?

Are people being successful at love through guilt trips, emotional shake downs and manipulative seductions?

Geez... I have been MISSING OUT being single. I've been having so much fun with my piano, my friends, family and rehearsals and practices that I had no idea what I was missing out in. I somehow thought that love was that special something that inspires you want to share everything about yourself with and not edit or closet or shut down the things that make you happy.

Is it just me or am I the only one who won't enter "loving" relationships via the guilt boat?

Happy sailing.

JNET

Snake At A Picnic

A venomous conversation.

That is what it felt like to be in the presence of J, a woman who wrapped herself around a person tightly before biting. I ran away for safety from her 'friendship' years ago and was happy when she moved out of state.

She found me again this past weekend at a picnic she knew I would be attending. She came upon me like a snake in the grass. First, she sat among my cousins and made trivial conversation and then asked about me.

"J is looking for you. She was asking questions." Several people approached me when I arrived to the event.

I eventually spotted her and unfortunately found I was already targeted. Not wishing to have to entertain a conversation with someone I had clearly broken ties with, I wondered if she would be able to read that I didn't exactly have a welcome mat posted in front of me for her.

Wouldn't half a dozen people sent to me as messengers and ignored be clue enough?

It wasn't. After all her messengers failed at their mission, she took it upon herself to force an audience with me.

J: "I've been asking around for you."

JNET: "I know."

J: "It's been several years and I am not sure what exactly happened between the two of us but I wanted to thank you for one of the best summers I had in my life."

JNET: "Hmmfff"

If you didn't notice before, snakes smile. Her side of the conversation consisted of flattery and self-promotion.

I did not ask about her life and I was keen on keeping mine private from her. Any good friend of mine knows that I am free and at ease if I am expressing myself freely and enthusiastically as well as asking lots of questions to share conversation. She met a guarded JNET and did not care nor did she keep in memory the many things she had done to betray me in the past that warranted:

My roommate putting her foot down that J was not a welcome guest for she felt J had ulterior motives.

Several close friends approaching me with concerns about my "family friend's" questionable behaviors behind my back.

And finally, long distance calls from business associates, with their concerns about my friend who was saying things to undermine my reputation. This was not the way I like things in my grown up world and J was a bully in a playground. Luckily, I have very protective friends and associates and I am respected.

J and I ended our connection after she admitted her lack of integrity. She became very angry with me when I wouldn't forgive her pretensions and after I told her I could not support her indiscretions. Even if I took away everyone else's testimonies against her, the insults she vigorously and personally gave were enough to condemn her.

And so she was ousted... clearly. Within a space of 6 months, she had released so much poison in my world that I could swim in it and my friends too.

That I was somewhat surprised at her "innocence" in asking where our friendship had gone. The way she talked to me did not surprise me after. She did try to wrap herself around me and take a squeeze. Snakes do smile and they bite out of fear.

Fearful, smiling creatures are dangerous. J was looking for a hot, sunny spot to bathe herself in and found an artic shade. Then she tried to bite hoping to get my blood going but I deflected her and didn't want any drama in front of my family.

"Have a nice life." She bade me. "Have a nice life." She bade my mother. "Have a nice life." She bade my cousins.

And then she slithered away.

JNET

Not Infinitely Patient

My student that I fired a couple of weeks ago has been ringing up my phone recently but not leaving a message. She is still studying the cello with a colleague of mine and standing on thin ice with her. She will be hard-pressed to find someone within my circles to teach her the piano..

My "student" who was "older and wiser" gave me some insulting and unsolicited advice which showed her the door. I have since found TWO students and we are enjoying a mutually respectful relationship.

A "friend" called upon me this past week to "save" me from the impending doom of this terrible world. I told him that I saw nothing wrong with this world and that I loved it as well as my life. His sentiment was dogmatic. His "saving" was unsolicited and I made a run for it (my front door). The sky was not falling. He was the one falling apart and I was in no mood to save him. He wouldn't want my type of saving anyway... I was the LOST cause... my downfall??? I'm a Christian... and in HIS eyes... LOST. Funny how he showed up in the name of friendship and love and yet in his space it was claustrophobic and I felt not listened to. I also showed him the door.

I was stepped on and over this past week by certain individuals. Despite having a great week full of friends, family and satisfying work, these episodes of drama are flattening. I will be slinging them as far as I can manage to distance them from me. I showed them the door after they passed certain boundaries that demanded that I sacrifice my sense of self and self-respect in order to humor their conversations.

Why the finite amount of patience from me; a teacher and friend? In another conversation, these people would call me their angel. their teacher, their guide. Perhaps the prickly desert life and scarely expressed way of their being makes for a desperate day or week. I am not sure but the heat is doing them in

Los Angeles is not a desert to me. Not everyone is a cactus to me. I'm surrounded by luscious beautiful souls. I've made Los Angeles my paradise. It is true that the heat can create illusions of mirages but still... there is an oasis to be found where one can be sustained with lots of food, drink and company... as well as art, beauty and conversation.

To those that embrace mirages and starve themselves while spitting at the banquets before them, I find it difficult to be patient. To those that criticize my pace, my choices and enjoy telling me what my emotions ought to be, I find it hard to believe that friendship and connection is their intention when they choose to cross very personal lines.

To the door, I happily show them all... so that I may continue with the concert of my life... my song, my art is open to those that enjoy it and appreciate it... not for those that want to re-design Jnetsworld and tell me who I am...

My advice to those ousted out my door? Go and be happy... design YOUR life and let me be happy with mine.

JNET

My Three Crushes

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

Aristotle

Aside from my epic crush with the mathematician, I've entertained two minor crushes this past month; one with my dentist and the other with CH who lead the seminar I attended recently. The minor crushes in reality are pie in the sky and are fun to entertain. I get to learn a bit more about myself without taking life too seriously. (Though I seriously would love it if mr. epic crush would be done with school, have time to fall madly in love with me, marry me and be the one I share my applesauce with in my later years.)

Sorry, I digressed. Back to my minor crushes that I am enjoying so that I can study my own patterns of thought. What do all these crushes have in common? Dark hair, fit bodies, read and study voraciously, (oooolala factor) sensitive to details and nuances, compassionate toward people, ambitious and excited in their work and well loved and respected among their friends and colleagues.

I was only a face in the crowd to one. I was simply there as a witness and participant. The other one which my friends are enjoying, my schoolgirlish crush on my dentist, is fun and he is taken. Putting my crushes all together, I find that I am taken in by guys that are fully passionate and engaged in their life work and have created a balance with personal life making them very lovable people.

It's good to understand these formulas... There are lessons in crushes and no one had to get hurt to learn them.

JNET

Why Aren't YOU Dating?

"At the first kiss
I felt something melt inside me that hurt in an exquisite way.
All my longings, all my dreams and sweet anguish,
All the secrets that slept deep within me came awake,
Everything was transformed and enchanted,
everything made sense."

Hermann Hesse

Princess N and I are writing up our first blogradio segment. Seeing that "dating" is our favorite tenuous subject to tackle and that we have polarizing opinions over the topic, we thought it might make for an interesting show.

With my enjoy life and the sanity that singleness affords me, I've had debate with love warriors who claim that I am a nonsentimental goodbye girl. Goodbye Mystic, goodbye ABC, goodbye Mr. B, goodbye dear 3 kings...etc... It was brought up among the sisterhood lastnight, why aren't they dating at all and why do I have a silly parade that I let walk on by.

Something truly exquisite... that's what I want. It's easy to not mourn my solititude when I know my prospects are very far from a dream I have in my heart. I won't embrace an arbitrary affair, love that is not amazing in its simplist form of friendship, conversation that is meant to humor away loneliness rather than celebrate a unique human being.

What is the most terrifying thing to me a friend asked this weekend...

LOVE... the one who's kiss will melt me in an exquisite way, enchanting and transforming me. I met him once and I liked how he scared the wits out of me.

I've not loved anyone from the parade this past year due to lack of chemistry and the strongest sense of not having mutual feelings. The friendships may have a slight enchantment but no true spell over me and I believe the reverse is true for them. It's not confusing to me to know that they are not the one. It's not sad or dramatic and I've created respectful friendships that I walked away from and redefined without conflicts.

And so the search continues for the one that makes "everything make sense" and thrillingly, enchant the unknown.

JNET

Sliding Doors

Hello Winking World...

I miss the mathematician... my mythological god of an epic crush. He's wonderful because he's thus far managed to be the kindest human being I've met... as well as ambitious, sexy and smart. But he sailed off to academia to slay the doctorate dragon.

And so this princess wondered....

Are there more sweet princes in the world? Young kings?

Off sailed away my mathematician and in came the magician; Mystic, with a ready story and twinkling trick to entertain the days away. Entertainment went only so far before I realized the whole program and got bored with the re-runs.

The mathematician represented transformation and grace to me. I could not settle for the lackadaisical world of magic and tricks.

And so, I banished the magician from my kingdom not wishing to tarry my days with the trinkets of false gold and not soon after came along Mr. B, a common man who professed for the good of mankind with lofty ambitions.

Mr. B built wings of ambitous words, words, words but never took flight blaming the weather, the mountain, the unfairness of this and that. I could not find silence in his presence and there was no peace, no present, no blessings to breathe in. I freed him to mind his business and he yelled at me for my snobbery. He never noticed to speak to me until I chose to take leave. And though I requested to leave respectively, I was scorned and spurned. No, Mr. B... I don't want to be with an angry bird who can't fly. I am searching for the one who wants to fly me to the moon.

And so the door closes and the door opens and the door closes and the door opens.

My request to the universe?

....the kindest man who has my name in his heart. Will the mathematician return? Are there more sweet princes in the world? Young kings?

JNET

Love's Little Corner

AM: "There's something about that bedroom, JNET. My crazy dating life ended when I moved out."

L: "I've dated more in one month than I did in my four years in New York City.

According to my feng shui book, the bedroom in question (the spare room I rent out) dynamically interacts with the relationship corner. I've had three girls rent the room in the past two years and whatever love life they've had seemed to affect the dating MO of the whole house.

JNET: "AM, you had African masks all over your room.. Are those to celebrate fertility and coupling up in general? ... I think that energy was a bit overwhelming."

Less than one year of the house going tribal was traumatic.

N, the first girl, had sweet symbols around and kept her room a very girlish powder blue. My dating life was Sanrio sweet and innocent and love was a bit on the goofy and awkward side.

L, my newest roommate keeps her room very sane and stable and reads spiritual relationship books and has dated more in her first month living in my space than her whole 4 years in NY. She has also managed to meet the first guy to ever charm her beyond belief, a rising creative chef who seems to have found his muse in her. He prepared a nine course meal at his restaurant the other evening and the dining experience was like watching a romantic movie unfold. I was moved and inspired.

If their love story is to have any affect on the dynamics of the relationship MO of the whole house, I had better have my seat belts on good...

Love the way I imagine exists in witnessing L's experience. It is inspiring, creative, amazingly beautiful, delicate and expressive. ART.

JNET

Me and Mr. B

He's nice. We have a great time and enjoy conversation and music together. And yet I am not inspired beyond cheerful conversation.

"Darwin would love you." my roommate told me this morning after relaying how Mr. B and I spent the day together.

"Who's Darwin?"

"Charles Darwin, evolutionist... you know, survival of the fittest."

"Of course, that Darwin...a geek for a geek goddess."

Mr. B and I may have the neural connection to discuss literature, music and science but he doesn't make me laugh. Hmmmm. G made note of that last weekend while in Palm Springs with a few friends for a getaway. Not many people put me in a goofy, light or side splitting mood.

Comedy is about style and timing. It's all very personal and I suppose what I'm feeling when the gags are going around are that the laughs are for a general audience. I feel like the message is "someone love me" with arbitrary affections. It's strange to hear a joke and become present to feeling unsettled.... but then again, self-deprecation is fashionable.

I guess it's not very romantic to me but my aloofness does not seem to stave off Mr. B's persistence. I've encouraged him to diversify his prospects noticing that our timing is off. He's determined to upgrade his friendship position despite having stepped on my toes during his mating dances to get my attentions. He likes that I'm "difficult."

I am not sure what to make of such reasoning for pursuing love... I'm not some cosmic joke to get. I'm really just a girl that's been put together just so looking for someone to enjoy and not "get." Forever would be nice... considering that love is an epic journey for me and not a trip to a local candy store.

I want someone to love for the rest of my life...find a conversation that is continously engaging through different seasons... How outdated maybe. I have friends and family and they fit that bill... as for warm fuzzies and affections... Timing is everything.

I'm curious. What would Darwin predict here?

JNET

Stretching Lessons

I am tired and restless.

I wish I could lean upon someone and not have to be so strong and steely... Wearing pink and pigtails yet having to lead, or plan or delegate polarizes me. After hearing so many discouraging stories this week, I still choose to believe that water exists for this flower...

Overhead this week...

Girl on dating guy for five years: "I found a girl's necklace under his pillow. He said it's been there since he's moved in. How stupid is that!"

Girl on dating a guy for a year... has housekey and lives there part-time to a girl she found out was dating her guy also for the past year: "Didn't you see any of my clothes in the closet? Our pictures?

Girl 2: "No, there was nothing. And I had a key too."

Girl 1: "You must've seen my toothbrush..."

Girl 2: "Was it red?"

Girl 1: "Yes! That's my toothbrush! He gave that to me."

Girl 2: "Eww... He gave ME that toothbrush. We've been using the same toothbrush."

I don't know how their stories end but I do wonder about how they began and the dynamic that enabled deceit to thrive. How do smart and beautiful women, confident in many ways find themselves in such situations?

I almost got caught up in a drama of my own but was saved by my disdained pragmatic way of slicing and dicing up life. Miss Impossible just doesn't get emotional or attached to anything that doesn't add up to worthy. While my counterparts couple up to cover the ill-feeling of being alone, I grow great friendships, enjoy my solitude, and look forward to meeting someone who'll shine in kindness and grace above my dearest friends.

Someone who won't lie about "unexplained" items in their possession... someone who won't make me share a toothbrush with the other lover... someone who knows what they want and won't use fear or intimidation to gain it.

I should "lower my standards" I've been told. Shall I live in the state of fear that seems to create more madness into the human condition? Date anyone, someone breathing so that I don't need to spend Friday night with myself? Stop working on my piano, dance or yoga technique so that I can have a relationship to speak of even if for a brief stint? Chase someone, anyone or let anyone catch me so that I can have a story to gab with the girls?

He's great, he makes six figures, he doesn't know what to do with the current girlfriend... go for it!!! Love is scarce, get what you can when you can before it's too late....

What a way to live...

There are two ways to live; by one's fears on one's dreams.

Which way do you stretch?

JNET

Not Everything Is Fixable

A dream inspired me to action...

It wasn't a wonka bizarre dream. This one was a bittersweet short film. Maybe I'd title it "Beyond Repair."

After a year exploring the possibility of Mystic, I decided to drop out and call it a night.. indefinitely. "Everything is fixable," is his motto. It would be most fair to say that everything was perfect but we didn't have that sticky power that creates great couples. The friendship was complete in itself and both of us were "beyond"...

There is nothing to fix, nothing broken. What should two perfectly complete human beings that are not compelled to dream of mad eternal futures together do than part ways? We were but notes to an interlude but not the motifs to a symphony.

Somehow, saying goodbye seemed easier to do than press forward. Sometimes, 'goodbye" is the most honest thing you can say.

JNET

Which Way To Take The Stairs?

Would you prefer going up to watch a spectacular sunset or go downhill where it is darker and colder?

It seems like an obvious choice but changing the "view" to a different dimension makes for some interesting hiking.

"JNET, I thought I was picky. You are pickier than me. Have you thought of lowering your expectations?"

If I want to enjoy a view or perspective of life, why should I sacrifice my own dreams and fulfill someone else's dreams at the expense of my own? Why should I take the stairs down a few notches so that I can have the almighty status symbol of a boyfriend? oooh ahhhh

It is the decade of my life where my mom, friends, and family are all sitting on the edge of their seats wondering when I'll jump on the marriage and children boat. It seems to be the ONLY topic that makes everyone excited. Though I have enthusiastic thoughts, I haven't met anyone worth sailing with. And the ones that have caught my interest are focused on their personal stairway. We say to each other... "see you at the top."

Love without the impulse to possess but rather to encourage "becoming" the fullness of one's possibility.... I suppose it's unconventional but it is not without a great deal of love and passion... the energy is simply transmuted.

If I am fulfilled and enjoying a certain sense of prosperity within the pleasure of my solitude, why would I want to inherit someone's certain shortcomings just to "be with someone"? If I work really hard at being the way I am and go through a great deal of discipline to create my life, why would I choose someone I couldn't admire?

I don't want to be "taken care of" by a sweetheart.... that's the mere frosting to a much more complex and exciting cake.

This evening, I had dinner with Mr. B who amused himself with my company. He finally got that though he is charmed with me and thinks I'm his perfect match, he hasn't revealed much that has inspired me to think that he qualifies a place in my heart beyond friendship.

Of course I love, I told him. I deeply love my friends.... ahh but what I'm looking for is another conversation and language. I don't put anyone "out". Friendship is a place where I listen and witness lives.

It is easy to enjoy sunsets and spectacular views... but most will retreat to their caves. I want to know what's at the top. Mr. B dreams of the top but retreats to a cave. In friendship, he admits this to me and is on his path. He leaves a lot for me to question as opposed to feel reassured over. At this junction, aligning myself beyond friendship would make me his cavegirl. I want someone braver. And knowing the risks or challenges that I sometimes take, my choices would be disagreeable to someone wishing to take a "safer route". I need someone who dreams of the top AND dreams at the top and overcomes challenges with grace and fortitude. That is loving life with freedom.

This is how I see life... I don't want to dream of it from a cave or be someone's cavegirl. I love my life and follow the light that delights me.

JNET

My Blue Heart

This is how people look to me. Some are brighter and clearer than others and we all are blurry as we learn to make sense of our selves and one another.

I am looking for my heart that stands out to me. Some chase the brightest one or the one in the center. Some pick their favorite color. Which one would you choose?

Do you see my favorite heart? It is the blue one on the left; the one that stands alone. That heart is the most attractive to me. It is clear and not as bright as the others. But the blue heart to me is the leader here. And the other hearts are brighter because my blue heart does that to others. He humbly builds others and looks to them with delight. He's like a cherished conductor to an orchestra.

Which one is me?

I'm the bright, white heart and I shine so much because the blue heart makes me glow. But I'm too bright and blurred because I'm working on becoming clear and learning how to concentrate and shine inward. That's me learning about discipline and focus, having a party in my mind because I met a blue heart. When I learn to be more focused and disciplined I'll shine inward like my blue heart.

I also have to shed the blur of gold hearts that cling to me too. I sometime attract hearts that insist in being too close to me... they are even blurrier. All they see is me and they think my energy is theirs unaware of their intrusions in the space of the well-intentions.

What will the future look like?

My heart will be closer to the blue heart and I will help others shine brighter than me. Everything will be clear and bright.

hmmm...

How I love my blue heart.

JNET

Commanding the Mood

I was greeted with a mixed bag of bittersweets for Valentine's Day yesterday. Ambivalent "Happy Single Awareness Day" greetings from "singles" as well as sweet Happy Heart Day greetings from my students and their parents.

I do have my crush (sigh... the mathematician) but I don't have any official papers on him. My crushy feelings seem to suspend in time as he completes his studies. I haven't seen him in like FOREVER. AND I don't think there is anything WRONG or BAD with that. Isn't it a good thing to enjoy solo thoughts and living? I've been living a pretty full life without a boyfriend in constant tow.

Once I finally nest and set up house, my solo thoughts will be on a new routine. I have yet to grow (up) HA! blossom and be inspired to that next phase of life.

Yesterday, I listened to a few singles complain and rant about V day.

"It's just another day. Who cares?"

They are jaded over the holiday before having fallen in love.

Where OH where....is that simple innocence of just being happy over the promise and romantic notion that love exists and appreciating the different shades of love that Life blesses one is already amazing?

Last night, I had a champagne evening with friends. We toasted to our futures of great promise and enjoyed an evening of gratitude. Where other singles might have chosen to poop on the promise of love, my friends toasted to a future of more love and had a great night to not boo hoo our single life away in self-pity.

To those that were filled with bitterness and loneliness, I have to wonder how does one somehow believe that happiness is dependent on someone else and not one's own self?

How can one finally celebrate and enjoy love when one does not believe life has so much promise and already there are things to be grateful for? If you think cynically about love, what will you create in your future versus if you thought otherwise?

I command my mood and enjoy my life and look forward to it further unfolding. My friends and I celebrated a happy night, being single, and aware...

AWARE: informed; alert; knowledgeable; sophisticated

It's a good thing to be a sophisticated happy single.... YES? I think it's SEXY!!!

JNET

We've Captured Cupid and he's OUR slave!!

Looking Forward to ANOTHER Happy Single Awareness Day???

We ARE!!!!


I've notoriously avoided being monopolized for St. Valentine's Day. No, I'm not ANTI-ROMANTIC. It's a day that is just TOO important to throw to a practicing true love. I think my practicing sweethearts also appreciate not having to worry about V day. The poor darlings are so worried over their work or their studies.

Being a hopeful romantic, I do love reading Valentine's cards and have a little collection that I'm saving for my future sweetheart though. I have no idea how I'd celebrate V day with a single honey bunny. Somehow, it makes sense to celebrate love as a party... just like grade school when love seemed more unconditional and less totalitarian... hmmmpf

ANYWAY, here at the JNETSWORLD ranch, for Valentine's Day 2007, I'm planning another fun night with friends to celebrate being single, unjadedly optimistic and full of promise over future love.

We're taking over a local bikram yoga studio and claiming it as the beginning of a "hot" evening. If you're a los angelino and you want to join our posse, meet us at Studio City Bikram Yoga for the 8pm class. :)

This is for those joining us tomorrow....

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A couple of things to smooth out the evening.

Remember a towel, little washcloth and lots of water :) And a yoga mat if you have one.... bring a spare to share if you have one :)

If you arrive by 7:30 we can squish into one or two cars or more if need be and go to the 8pm class. Otherwise, if you miss us, you will need to meet us at bikram yoga of studio city.

Pray for your parking karma when coming to my place, parking is a premium find but not hopeless.

IF you are passing on doing a yoga class (because you are a WIMP!) or just prefer to join us to hang after yoga :) Class gets out at 9:30 pm. I will possibly have a friend home to greet your lazy ass.

Bring me flowers, a card, and champagne! Just kidding;)

Bring whatever you wish to show off and share... bring valentines if you wish (the kind you and your mom filled out the night before Valentines Day) but most of all, bring your cool sweet self!!!

JNET

PS... Drive safely, there will be crazy, mean couples clogging up the roads with their loveless road rage.

Happy Single Awareness Day!

Miss Valentine

I am splashing along.

"Why don't you JUST PICK SOMEONE!?!" Is a question occasionally put to me.

It's a funny and curious demand. But like this picture above, I am simply enjoying the delightful ride of life. The valentine vise grip of expection is approaching and I've already planned for an evening at home with friends thus escaping fulfilling pretentious airs over romance.

I'm going to be everyone's Miss Valentine, giving everyone a pretty card and treat just like third grade in Mrs. Comiak's class.

OHHH PICK, PICK, PICKLES!!!

Pick is an awful word. Let Mr. Webster elaborate why I'll not PICK...

PICK:

1) to choose or select from among a group
2) to seek and find occasion for; provoke
3) to steal the contents of
4) to open (a lock) with a device other than the key, as a sharp instrument or wire, esp. for the purpose of burglary.
5) to detach or remove piece by piece with the fingers
6) to pierce, indent, dig into, or break up (something) with a pointed instrument

You get the idea. PICK is not a pretty word in JNETSWORLD. The nuances around the word are manipulative.

For this coming Valentine's Day, I have a choice valentine who I've been crushing on for awhile (the mathematician). But our ships have not crossed. Therefore, I will delight in my own journey, making a splash with life, enjoying the possibilities.

Come over if you want to celebrate Valentine's Day like you did in third grade when V Day was a day of friendship, innocence and promise. Everyone felt loved because everyone just loved everyone (by those cute tiny cards with sweet endearments by Strawberry Shortcake or Sponge Bob)

If you've been fortunate to be chosen and feel chosen or have the confidence and good fortune to have found someone to choose then Valentine's Day is just a day with frosting on top of your cake of life.

I'm baking a cake for now.

JNET

The Wheel of Power and Control

Isolation

Intimidation

Male Privilege

Threats

Using Children

Emotional, Economic, Sexual Abuse

He had the eyes of a teddy bear and the heart of vadar.

I was busy as usual in my whirlwind of life, enjoying independence at college. He showed up to be my protector when a conflict came up at school. The world was too dangerous for me and he wanted to be my only safe place.... . ISOLATION

I wasn't used to being afraid or feeling insecure. I wanted to rebel against these new phantoms and tear them out like weeds in a garden. He gave me "space" and then told me that I was afraid of love saying that it was my own rebellious spirit that was causing problems... that I was a destroyer of love and a fearful creature in the safest place in the world. INTIMIDATION

I needed to "learn to trust" he said. Wasn't I willing to grow as partners? He asked that I trust him with handling our financial affairs and I wanted to be able to trust him. MALE PRIVILEGE

Life was challenging. Mistakes were made and details fell through the cracks. Things weren't set up for success and he didn't have the patience to talk things over. Gone was the patience he had in declaring himself as my safe space. Life was too overwhelming for a conversation. He was angry and tired. The slow driver, the barking dog, the noisy neighbor angered him. The last thing he needed was my complaints and concerns to rock the boat. I woke up one evening thinking I was dreaming... He was on top of me, squeezing my arms til his fingers left marks, demanding at a whisper that I had better fall in line or watch out. THREATS

"When we have children, I will make sure that your mother and family never sees them." USING THE CHILDREN

He told me what my thoughts were because he disagreed with them. He used to make me feel beautiful but as life began to be more frustrating to him, everything was ugly til eventually, even I was ugly. He told my mother that I was acting crazy and telling stories. Our finances weren't being handled. I began saving my own money. EMOTIONAL, ECONOMIC, SEXUAL ABUSE

"I never taught my daughter to lie." she told him. It was good to know I still had a safe place... my original safe place was still mine.

Once a best friend who said he would go to the ends of the earth to win me. Flowers every Friday. I was doted on lavishly that if anyone told me that the future would be a nightmare, I wouldn't believe it.

This power and control wheel states the different behaviors that those who abuse power and control take... What I wanted to share was the tiny spiral where the appetite was first fed. ISOLATION didn't feel like isolation while we created our own little world.... all the shadows were a much lighter shade before they became frightening.

I grew up in sunshine and therefore had no skills negotiating with shadows. I could not save my love from the darkness after it took over his heart and his eyes no longer shined for me. If I stayed I might have lost my heart as well. I was dying too. I had lost my words for living and I sat with silence, very sad and shocked. How can my dreams be possible if I no longer had a voice and my mind was numb?

And so I walked away. I did not wonder and hope til I lost hope in myself. I left when I knew I was the only thing I had left to save. I didn't care about money, security or love.

It is you that must always save yourself. Your mother, your friends, your co-workers can hope the best for you. But it is YOU that has to save yourself.

JNET

Love... Love... Love... For Me?

Perhaps I am too pragmatic for romance. My passions seem to follow notes and words. Perhaps if I met a musician with a flair with words... or a wordsmith who adored music... or something in between.

I know it's all my fault. All the sweet attentions I get from my suitors.. (I don't do the boyfriend thing... instead...doing the fall in love by centrifugal force.. gaining fascinating observations!)

I find myself enjoying a book as better company or my piano. My patient admirers chuckle to themselves as they bump up against theirselves in dealing with me.

But perhaps that is the beauty of the process. I learn about a few wonderful people. Being mindful not to wear on dating pretense, I am happy with mutual admiration and being platonic.

I always find myself thankful to be able to say goodnight and close the door. It would not be a good thing to be distracted by something that doesn't inspire me. Romance is not a good place to practice "charity." It seems to be the way of many though... to give love to neediness in order to be "generous".... and then walk away saying "I never loved her."

As much as I love my solitude, I do wonder if I could sanely share a happy silence with someone to punctuate special moments with.... What I would do though to find someone absolutely engaging and endearing... someone to admire and celebrate. I would like to find someone to promise a safe place who'll not wish to ever consider being reckless with my heart nor others.

Oh well... the future has yet to unfold... I suppose I'm saving my kisses until then.

JNET