the art of listening

JNET: "Cool groove. But the lyrics sound ........ depressing."

R: "The lyrics? I don't know them."

JNET: "Its about disappointment with love and being bitterly betrayed. How very sad. I couldn't listen to that every day. It would mess with my psyche. Love the groove though."

It was tempting to add the song to my iPod but it was not quite fitting for the negativity slayer listening arsenal. I passed even after several occasions of listening to different covers and arrangements of it. Great song; but not quite what I'd like to feed into my subconscious. Boo.

Being a negativity slayer is a rigorous commitment.

It might be hard to bounce having daily life and the weight of another persons disappointments singing into each day; consciously or even subconsciously.

Imagine beginning each day "grooving" to life-stinks-I-am-devastated-by-love-I-feel-numb-to-life songs. As long as it doesn't sound like a funeral march and you can dance to it...why not? Yet, if your best friend started each day telling you how broken up and angry they were about something, you would hope they changed their tune eventually.

But then again... Do we find ourselves dancing to such tunes?  Songs to which we aren't even listening to the lyrics?

Just a thought on listening. I hope life sounds just right for you. If not, maybe there's a tune that needs to be nixed from your listening list.

JNET

an infinitely different world

an infinitely different world

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
 
Jnetsworld turned 8 this past October and I forgot to celebrate with a blog post. Well better late than never.
Jnetsworld is eight and the negativity slayer is alive and well in the land of weirdness.  For anyone that is experiencing the bumpy side of life, there is light at the end of every tunnel.   Expect a miracle and make yourself available to helping create  it despite challenging conditions.   It is not easy but claiming one’s castle is no small task.

Checking out for two years to restructure and embrace silence has been restorative making clear who in my life was solid.   I found treasure among the ruins.   In the silence I attended dance classes.  I spoke very little and rushed home to solitude after rehearsals.

I can’t recommend dance classes enough as a way to heal one’s inner self.  When one feels paralyzed in their mind, its counter-intuitive to dance let alone get off the couch and be active.  I found a space to learn how to move again in dance classes.  I reunited with my hula hoop and made friends with a kettle bell.  In the space of dance classes and exercise, I found directors and mentors that took me under their wing.  Dance classes evolved to dance rehearsals and from a place where fear and sorrow once dominated came hope and enthusiasm.

If you told me then when the lights of my world went dark that I would be dancing on the Hollywood Bowl stage ….part of something beautiful ….feeling love through the core of me, I would’ve cried and had a hard time believing that life can change profoundly.  Quite frankly, I might’ve slammed the door on you in a moment of weakness and self-pity.

Doing what is counter-intuitive; dancing when one feels frozen helped bring me to a space where I can say I am still here building my world and I celebrate 8 years of writing of it.  Thank you readers for your encouragements throughout the years.  Your hellos also gave me wings.

JNET

Comments from a few jnetsworld readers through the years:

NSV:  “Ahhhh, nothing a couple of Bloody Marys and a long walk in the park can’t cure. I stumbled across your blog from Flickr (we both share the photo above as a favorite). Hang in there with the writing!”

REBECCA:  “I really like this lady! Deep, intelligent, creative, and a fellow introvert.”

DOCTORMTE: “A superb diarist resides here … jnet writes with calming power and silken insight …”

JASON:  “a blog that shows off a strong-willed and elegant personality.”

PAULFRANK:  “I think I am in love.”

DESTINYSFATE:  “Different in each & every way possible yet so much in which she shares….I’m in awe of how I can honestly concur & relate to the 100th degree. Unique virtual boutique of expressions and suggestions”

JAMES:  “Jnet, I love the way you write…such beauty.”

LITBITOFSONSHINE:  “I loved her creative writing on her stumbleupon and her wordpress.   She rocks and rolls and has such a open and sharing and caring understanding soul; one I even marked to read again as I will also visit her pages.  Its nice to learn about families from her point of view as well as so many other mind expanding things – just wowzers.”

DAVE:  “I loved your “loving like an athlete.”  Keep up your good writing….”

WILSON:  “Piercingly, enticing with her open mind, but concealing herself very successfully from the lackadaisical.”

CAT:  “Entertaining, thought-provoking, pleasant and free-spirited. i was impressed with this blog. !”

HUQQUH:  “JNET is an explorer on the frontiers of her self and her trail is worth sharing. Thanks, JNET…”

ALAN:  “You inspired me to change my blogs look as well, alas, my change was not as stunningly successful as yours. This is to be expected though, since your talent shines through everything you do here.  My compliments!”

DESTINY:  “Love your world and thanks to you, I can now define myself in all the diversity and unique(ness) that I possess as a person…as a woman. Just saying Hello and wanted to share that..nothing more.  I enjoy the substance of your blogs.”

METALT:  “Very impressive blog about life and I might add – balanced life. jnetsworld is a place I want to visit often and I deeply appreciate her for sharing with us.”

BUNNY:  “i enjoyed her blog… lots of neat quotes… wonderful lasting images… lasting thoughts… a rainbow of ideas…”

RICHARD:  “My beautiful and talented friend.  Again, I must tell you how well you write, but of much more importance than that, how very proud I am to “know” someone like you. You have such fine judgment, your values are impeccable and you seem dedicated to your art. As you know, choosing a life of creativity is not without its pitfalls. However, you do not need my advice and will find your way.  You know I wish you well, Richard.”

MOM:  “Honey, I love all that you write. Keep the passion, keep writing. I’m so proud of you.”

hopscotch and hanon

hopscotch and hanon

Enthusiasm sometimes present well meaning messages heavily.

I’ve experienced this in friends just beginning a new hobby (obsession), rooting for their favorite team (do not dare to choose any other team), or finding Jesus for the first time or upmteenth time. In their shoes, they are dedicated and excited whereas to others, they are a tad bit out of control in their enthusiasm.

A colleague called me to say his student’s sister was interested in piano lessons, that she wasn’t a beginner, was a committed learner and was anxious to meet me. A meeting was arranged and her enthusiasm was easy for any teacher to love. She loves reading new music, is attentive to sensing her false notes and also speaks confidently. I was just as excited as she was to begin our piano lesson time together.

By her second week, I noticed that although her reading and playing time through a piece was improving, her attack of the notes were a bit intense. She is an enthusiastic young person with loads of energy.

How to support her personality and yet grow her sensitivity using the power of her enthusiasm was my fun puzzle.

She was playing an arrangement of “Alouette” like a bombastic march with its running streaks of sixteenth notes roaring and stumbling into melody.

JNET: “What’s the loudest you can play this phrase? I want to know the color of your fortissimo.”

If you can imagine giving a child the freedom to scream their biggest scream, then you can imagine the enthusiasm my student played to demonstrate as her BLASTISSIMO.

JNET: “Very good. Now I want to hear your different shades lighter now of that loudness. Like a crayon box, I want to know your fancy colors.”

D attacks her notes with her mind more and less with finger pressure now.

D: “This piece is exciting and fun.”

JNET: “But what kind of exciting and fun is what we need to communicate. Its a childrens song so we know we cannot be too strong or its a bully theme song.”

Her playing has transformed with the images we came up together to paint the picture of her piece in a short period. Staccatos have turned playful and lighter after thinking of hopscotch. And that flurry of sixteenth notes that formally got trampled on has become her rainbow of notes that flash across in sparkling articulate colors. Its really fun to hear her play and express herself.

Her enthusiasm doesn’t express itself heavy-handed no longer but rather clearer, sensitively and ON PURPOSE.

Sometimes, I think about leaving teaching, romanticizing over a more jetsetting lifestyle of salary and high heels. But listening how my students grow each week and puzzling over how to take them to a different level fascinates me so. So here’s to hopscotch and hanon.

JNET

summer 2012

We made it past the 6 month line. Feeling comfy together, having fun doing anything and nothing together feeling happy, safe, at ease and excited.

This past season we….

Danced two shows at the skirball cultural center with our dance group.
Enjoyed intense time rehearsing as well as relaxing with our dance family.
Performed on the Hollywood Bowl stage. Curtain call was euphoric.

Enjoyed down time in San Diego w my family.
Started an abs challenge regime which includes both a new exercise and diet routine that is ever evolving for lifestyle changes. (it’s lent part II and lots of fun)
Did people watching at comic con.
Watched the whole dark knight trilogy.
Completed the whole “avatar, the last airbender” series and began watching the sequel, “the legend of korra.”

Celebrated good times but also mourned the loss of a well loved friend lost to an accident and attended his funeral.
Experienced lazy days together as well as run errands til the sun comes down days (and we have not missed a Sunday at church thus far)
Learned how to play poker, Texas hold em!
Attended street fighter art gallery event.

We do crunches together, kettle bells and photograph our progress.
We look forward to cheat days of carbs and sweets but look even more forward to our healthy routine.

In a few weeks we will be heading to Texas to spend time with his family to embark together on a cruise to Mexico. We have already planned how we will keep with our health regime and hopefully win the abs challenge and enjoy our beach bodies.

Still thinking that my firefly is pretty darn topper

JNET

one in four suffer from mental illness

Hopelessness happens.

I advised a friend to hula hoop for at least an hour duration before seeking further advice from me.

Yes, it’s my unconventional version of take two aspirins and call me in the morning advice. Hooping takes a bit of concentration, engages your core and yet you must keep your body fluid and in motion. Its my fun fitness meditation and the best panacea I can offer to shake the blues.

G: “None of my medication works…”

Jnet: “G. I’m a piano teacher. I specialize in music. You need professional help; someone who knows how to help you. I don’t know nor am I qualified to help you. Do you understand that?”

I felt like a movie was playing out. I had opened my door to a dimly familiar face and became unsure if I would regret it when I realized who she was.

She appeared normal enough though thirty pounds heavier from when I last saw her. Plus she was desperate for the bathroom. I let her in.

I invited her to sit at my table and immediately texted R her name and that I will text him again in ten minutes. My plan was to not indulge too much time and safely as well as kindly reach a close in conversation.

A few years ago I decided to overhaul my social life and nixed a lot of people who had drifted in via acquaintances. I kept people that felt like family and who were several layers deep in my circle. Those who were transient in their work and friendships created no sticky appeal. It was easy to let go of someone who hadn’t endeared themselves.

Unfortunately, the person at my door didn’t agree with my wish to create distance. I had told her to stop calling and finally had to block her number and her facebook. And though I was concerned how deeply buried the ivy league educated person was within this person; I felt alarmed. Last time I saw her was several years ago. She had left her prestigious school having had a breakdown of sorts.

The teacher in me wanted to be helpful and have her continue on with her studies. But sometimes people have an insatiable appetitie for the helpful nature of others. This person was hungry.

G: “It’s good to see a friend. I miss friends.”

In a tiny space of time I got that she felt isolated, restless and not doing any better from two years ago.

G: “I hear voices…”

I stood up immediately. Smiled and made way for my front door to invite her out.

Jnet: “Oh boy, I’m sorry but I’m going to walk you to the door now.”

I trusted a conversation where I had the option of a door between us and neighbors to overhear. R had also texted and I wanted to tell him I was okay.

G: “I don’t know what to say.”

Jnet: “Do you understand that it’s uncomfortable to hear you talk about voices? It scares me. You need to talk to someone that knows how to look after you.”

G: “I don’t mean to scare you. But it’s very real to me….these voices.”

Jnet: “G. You have to understand that hearing voices isnt normal and telling your friends will make them feel uneasy. I dont want to know anymore about these voices. I dont care and dont want to give power over to that. If you can’t handle your mind how can you expect me to handle it for you? It’s not fair. Your doctors need to keep figuring you out and you need to be patient knowing the mind is a very intricate.”

I stood at the door and wrestled with conversations that met dead ends. It was as if she had already read the same script and was convincing me that life was hopeless.

And so I agreed with her…that life had a way of having hopeless moments. She wasn’t expecting that one. She thought the negativity slayer never knew the taste of a bitter pill. In fact, we both had something in common only I was handling life differently.

Jnet: “I refuse to indulge emotions that can sink me. I get them. If I must cry, I give myself a minute not a month. I’d rather struggle upwards than slide backwards. You must want life for yourself despite terrible things happening. G. I buried a friend last week, a really good person who got killed in an accident. His widow has a toddler and a five month old baby. And she is so strong. Life isnt perfect for anyone.”

G: “How do you do it? You look exactly the same if not better.”

Jnet: “I keep my self busy. I refuse to let circumstance mark me, wrinkle me or weigh me down. Right now most of my students are on vacation so I exercise a lot. I don’t need a gym membership or a buddy to exercise. Hula hoop.”

She laughed. She definitely would never get that suggestion from her doctor. Who advises someone that has been diagnosed with mental illness to hula hoop?

A friend maybe?

Jnet

dance: knl @ the hollywood bowl

dance: knl @ the hollywood bowl

It wasn’t so long ago when knl was getting settled into its new practice space at SIPA. We didn’t even have mirrored walls for dance practice. We used closet doors.

That’s just the spirit of things with knl. We just kept bringing love to rehearsal, be it another set of closet doors, food and desserts to share, a hello hug and a boundless supply of patience that made dance practices feel like a family gathering.

This year marked my 7th year with knl (7 years blogging as well) and although I’ve taken mini breaks, I cannot imagine living in Los Angeles and not being involved with my knl family in some way. Aside from being a really cool nonprofit education arts group that a teacher like myself finds easy to adore, where else have I ever spent so much time and hard work where I can imagine growing and bringing my own kids to rehearsal so they may have blanket time with a crew of other dancers’ tots?

Knl at SIPA.

This year knl was fortunate to be part of Apl.de.ap’s curated evening at the Hollywood Bowl; Apl.de.ap Takes You To The Philippines. It was the most incredible experience I’ve ever had performing. The stage is HUGE (then you fit speakers, mics, special effects, lighting and musicians.) And eighteen thousand Angelenos can be seated in the audience.

Knl opened the evening with jota paragua, my most favorite dance which I had never learned until this year. It’s a Spanish influenced dance, very ole; flamenco. My favorite part was to dance with a maton, a shawl and wear a gorgeous green jewel dress. I’ve spent years admiring the dancers that performed jota paragua and finally for the first time, I was in jota paragua. Yippee!

Knl also opened the second half of the evening with a traditional Tinikling that evolved into hip-hop dancers ushering the modern half of the evening.

The evening closed with a curtain call dance party with everyone on stage while Black Eyed Peas performed “I Gotta a Feelin”.

I was dancing in the audience when the final song began….

JNET: “Awwww, this is my nephews favorite song.”

Apl.de.ap: (waving people on the stage wings to come) “Everybody!”

I don’t think we even thought about it for two seconds. R and I were dashing from the audience and making our way to the performer area, waving quick hellos to show our clearance to join the party onstage.

And what a party to the happiest good night song. Celebrating the close of a wonderful evening, onstage in awe of the thirteen thousand people dancing in the audience, my mom, brother and friends somewhere in the sea of people….What made it especially joyful to me was sharing such an incredible experience with people I love and who are especially dear to me, there onstage, dancing and hugging me; my knl family.

Yeah….and my special significant other as well who I met at knl . More on him at another time (I know I said that last time….ooops)

Pince me.. Are we really here??? Confirmation hugs, sharing the moment filled me with more awe. What an awesome journey. I love knl.

I love my world because of the wonderful people in it

JNET

traveling at the speed of joy

The fireflies celebrated 3 months of love love love at Disneyland. We shared the special day with my visiting cousin and a constellation of new and old friends. One noted how thrilled she was in seeing me so happy and that we are a glowing couple. Glowing? Cool! We are fireflies

Just shy of being together 100 days; we’ve shared so much despite being so new together. First it was sharing hours of rehearsal time to prepare for a show, then it was parades of family time. Yay, everyone loves him, me, us. What a blessing that is.

He's wonderful and he’s turned my life upside down (in a good) way. Traveling at the speed of joy, I call it. That’s moving forward in life at a speed that is driven by love, passion and joy.

Three months new???? It’s the ones that have yet to meet my firefly that need assurance that I’ve not buzzed myself into dopamine oblivion.

The latest firefly conversation is wanting to play house.

R: “I don’t think we’re moving fast, just efficiently with time.”

Jnet: “Would you proceed as efficiently 3 months with another person?”

R: “Not another, they would be a nightmare. Not you.”

It’s amazing and encouraging that loved ones near and dear to us are enjoying the firefly buzz. Being three months happy has its moments of taking my breath away. But I occasionally have a moment steal in which makes me realize that my life is evolving. And like a kitty of habit that’s enjoyed a particular sunny spot, the thought of change sometimes makes me want to cry.

Jnet: “Thinking of the future is a wee bit dizzying. Whew. Must fasten seatbelts.”

R: “Sorry. You want me to keep the plans I have to myself, then?”

Jnet: “No, don’t keep it to yourself. Just keep kissing me to keep me sane.”

R: “Yikes. Dont worry. It’ll be okay however things end up. Promise.”

Jnet: “Shine the way and I will follow.”

And so I follow, this man who is afire with love, vision, and kindness.

JNET

the meaning behind a quiet kiss

He kisses me all the time and my favorite ones are the random ones; the ones when we are simply next to one another maybe at church listening to the pastor or while I’m playing the piano or sitting at a table and he walks by. It is such a simple thing, a peck of hello and affection upon my head and it says within that quiet moment that he is happy and feeling blessed.

I'm enjoying the quiet things of life with my firefly like family time, a meal, conversation. These are things I happily enjoyed alone in solo monthly trips to San Diego or coming home after a long day of activity to make a meal for myself, light a candle and write.

It's ironic that in the space of wanting to create healthy mindfulness within a romantic relationship and experiencing the commitment to the conversation by someone who cares….really really cares…..other relationships are starting to stand out in how they are compromising. The weight that some choose to press me without a sense of wise compassionate insight has been …disappointing.

So here I have in my firefly world, a loving soul that is genuinely connected to me even with his respective independent interests. How he treats me with kindness and respect and grows his life tells me how he loves his life.

When he gives me those random favorite kisses, my lips never touch his. He kisses me when i am not even looking. Like taking a moment to enjoy a flower in the garden. Those kisses are firefly’s way of saying thank you not to me but rather to life and God. :)

JNET – enjoying being firefly’s flower.

the fireflies are two months old :)

At two weeks old we were riding a rainbow and my firefly, an adventurous captain initiated a blog of our own to chart the journey. At two months, I’m still riding a rainbow. I’m enjoying our blogging journey charting the hills and plateaus of growing our firefly world.

R: “Jnet, if you are having a bad day or for any reason and want me to come to you, I want you to know that it’s okay to ask.”

Jnet: “When I have a bad day, I usually deal with it myself by being quiet and alone. I don’t tend to share my bad days.”

R: “That’s fine but I’m letting you know that you don’t have to be alone. I’m here for you and that you can ask me to be there for you.”

I feel safe, protected and cherished. This sweetness is something I’ve had fleeting hints of but nothing as sticky, intense and endearing. Two months new yet two months solid (despite my moments of uncertainty wondering if I’m dreaming and will wake up to a pre-firefly world).

We’re official.

We finally opened a window to our private world. Everyone in our dance group is in the know and I finally let my family in the conversation this past weekend. The consensus is of resounding yays.

Firefly meets my family next weekend and it’s the first time that I’m sharing a sweetheart in a long while. My identity as happily single to happily coupled up is a fascinating surprise.

And life did open that way within the space of happy busy-ness, full of family and friends, work and rehearsals; a fascinating surprise when least expected.

The fireflies will be buzzing and celebrating two months tonight and this weekend. Our world grows including friends and family.

Yay :)

JNET

a league of angels

I was within a couple of miles of my exit. I changed lanes. A white business van moved in front of me. Darn elephant I thought to myself and within that window of thought, I caught a glimpse of something wrong.

Two cars in front of the white van lost control. One spun and was heading the wrong way on the shoulder coming towards me, the other was a dust cloud obstructed. The white van slammed their brakes and cars in front moved to make safe distance while a white commuter van behind me skidded to the side to avoid slamming into me. Several cars braked and angled toward the shoulder.

At the standstill, I was safe. White elephant in front and a bigger one behind me with others angled toward the shoulder. The car that was going the wrong direction was finally able to stop… Facing the wrong way on the highway within yards of cars on the shoulder..next to me.

Good God!

My league of angels’ hello comes at an interesting time.

Life had been precarious this past week.

I spent the early part of the year preparing a student to perform at his bar mitzvah party four hours a week. On top of my private piano teaching practice, I studied flamenco dance five hours a week, and had eight hours of knl dance rehearsal in preparation for a big show at the Getty.

Life just recently crescendo’d to relative stillness. I’m restless and haven’t seen my family since last year. (I enjoyed them for a few minutes after the show but couldn’t spend much time with them before they headed back to San Diego).

My car decided it was time to demand love and is not feeling happy (good thing I’m driving like a cautious granny) And many of my students are off on spring break.

So why is this an interesting time for my league of angels to say hello?

Because I’ve been living an insane schedule since the new year and now I’m forced to move slowly and mindfully. (no no no don’t go on you red light you…nice car, nice car)

If I wasn’t teaching or rehearsing I was recovering. I was excited and the adrenaline floated me these past months, but I had a couple of lapses. Twice I needed a matzo ball soup intervention and friends made care packages of vitamins.

And yet, I had time to fall in love. More on that another time.

Bar mitzvah was awesome. Watching my students face light up while he played for several hundred of his guests was wonderful. I love my students and miss them when I don’t see them and appreciated their support and flexibility with my rehearsal and performance schedule. Flamenco studies and performances in happy place. A flash mob event is currently on the horizon. And the Getty. Wow. What an experience of hard work and joy. That’s us in the picture above. Next big show will be in San Diego. Yay. My family and friends will be able to see us.

So you can imagine how restless it is to not be rehearsing as much. Bar mitzvah…done. Teaching schedule …readjusting and not stable yet. Car…a bit scary to drive.

But that car and life told me to slow down and had I not…

Perhaps I would’ve been squished between two white elephants.

During precarious times, this negativity slayer is going slow down, take care and let my league of angels guide. If you saw the position I was in yesterday, you’d agree that they are badasses.

JNET

howdy

Every time he says “howdy” it makes me smile.

Firefly is the most exotic adorable country boy ive ever met.  Charming me with his humor and playfulness and pulling me closer with tenderness and honesty.

Who’s the cute guy with the green bow tie? Mr. Y'all has a silly side.  I noticed him at the dance group’s Christmas party. Made note that he was someone that was having fun with his signature and put the thought away on the shelf. It’s nice to notice a soul having fun in the universe.

A friendship came with the new year, the Chinese new year. How perfect that firefly’s howdy came with the dragon. I adore dragons…something about them…their energy wards away negativity and ushers in new life.

We’re new, just over six weeks old. I’ve never spent as much time with anyone ever before but when I am not near him it’s nice to feel that I miss him… And think of fireflies, dragons, possibilities and missing root beer and fried chicken. I’m enjoying the lessons of lent with him though.

We finally perform this weekend and I’m looking forward to introducing him to my family; mom, brother and nieces plus more friends.  Whew I’m giddy.  It’s a big weekend, family, friends, our first performance together (and at the Getty – one of my favorite places in all of LA)

Heres to a lot of fun and smiles and happy howdies.

JNET

dream futures

Every year to the good humor of my friends, I practice my future. I do things like...announce I'm getting married.....or change my Facebook status to engaged. Sometimes I am engaged to a different person every two weeks during a season.

It was fun and I learned a lot in the play dialogues that followed (my friends are playful).

I'm not sure I'll be playing the same social experiments over the next season. Real life is exciting and playful enough discussing the future with firefly; exploring the horizons to see what hopes we've mapped out respectively.

The play dialogue is fun with a zip of feeling a bit unraveling. I'm in this space of magic where reality and dream mix and it's an unfamiliar playground. Is this what everyone does in boyfriend/girlfriend land? Wow wow wow.... May I have a kiss to calm myself down a bit??? I bounce from thoughts of wanting to go slow-mo and then mentioning if homeschooling is an option.

Jnet: "How long have you and B been dating?"

N: "Three years. He's waiting for me to get over being scared of getting married."

Jnet: "I don't think I want to feel scared that long.

N: "I think it's good that you're having the conversations you're having during the honeymoon period."

Jnet: "I've only known him for five weeks."

N: "You seem very happy and from what I'm hearing, he's also a very kind man and good to you.. Most couples get lost in the initial fun and then a year or so later learn that they are not good together, don't share similar goals or values and fight."

Jnet: "True."

N: "So continue being happy, trust and go with it."

Falling in love feels like snow sledding; thrilling and a little bit dangerous. It's interesting to have space to boldly play. It's interesting to have space to explore, trust and even feel afraid. And I think if everyone had a firefly like mine, I would say the same...

Continue being happy, trust and go with it.

JNET

he who lights a path

I have practiced how to live as an amazing-ascetic-happy-hermit.   Sublimely embracing the solitude life. Being sociable was making sure I was enrolled in a class. Being well-spoken and able to host and entertain, I see as a valuable skill like writing or sewing.  Handy dandy.

But I do not know what to do with a boyfriend.  So far I’ve fascinated my firefly for nearly five weeks and he seems to light a path forward on this unfamiliar terrain of sharing time, conversations, and camping space.

I take screen shots when hes talking to me on Skype or when he’s fussing over his laundry and ironing. And i feel charmed while doing our something’s together as well as our nothing’s.

And just when I think this charmed together space is to disappear and get consumed by real life where work schedules lend space to grow distant where insecurity gets airtime to tell me to bolt and run for it, firefly lights a spot. He says hello and makes a plan.

And a world where I once guarded my yes’s grows.

Growing by firefly light.

JNET

love is a compass

The world laments hardship. It would be easy to indulge into it with a mere click and resign into its normalcy.

Certain days may happen and feel like demanding brats. But what kind of negativity slayer would I be to allow such days to spoil my world?

This year is a total turnaround from last. From a space of silence, noise that hid within the complex harmony of life exposed itself. Good friends sat with my silence and gave me stories of strength and visions of hope when I couldn’t write. I decided to study flamenco dance so that my love for art and expression can have a voice, rhythm and structure.

How to save a life? Therapy? I chose art. Reading music gave me blurring headaches, I was too broken for words and all color and design lost its click appeal. Dance was it; specifically flamenco. I immersed myself, learning new counts, words, how to hold my arms. I learned choreography to bulerias, tangos, sevillanas, guajiras, fandangos, siguiriyas. Dance pieced me back together along with a handful of dear people.

This year I began playing the piano again and the blurring headache is at bay. I’m studying flamenco at least 5 hours a week. I’m having friends over and feel like making new ones. I’ve returned to my Filipino dance group and we’re rehearsing at least 8 hours a week preparing to perform at the Getty in a couple of weeks….the Skirball and Hollywood Bowl later this summer. My truest friends shined during my darkest year and helped a silent artist find its way.

This negativity slayer learned that no battle is won alone. The sequoia tree does not stand alone. Below the ground level is a constellation of intertwining roots. And due to my roots, I was able to heal in silence, find music again through dance, feel comfortable to perform and find the words to say hello rugged angels. It is possible to love your life and live a life worth living even after the darkest and silent time.

JNET

playing for keeps

Happy leap year.

OMG I have a boyfriend!  Its been a fun month and I am celebrating that it feels like a wonder.

My girl friends are thrilled. To meet anyone worthy of mention in Los Angeles after two weeks is the equivalent of finding a pink unicorn. Meeting someone nice that you want to see again within the same week is RARE. Firefly and I have been getting a ghastly good dose of spending time together.

Despite my saying on date two that my running shoes were habitually laced up and ready to go, I have been kept enthralled. He's now met a handful of my friends (thumbs up) still keeping things quiet with our friends from rehearsal (to enjoy our budding romance privately) and we've attended church together and have a blog together (this is getting hardcore). Wait til we hit blooming stage.

L: "Ahh I remember how the first few months are blissful..."

Jnet: "Blissful? It's life on candy. Definitely a different energy. I've never met anyone where after a month we have plans for the next couple of seasons. All I can think is wow."

The  consensus is that we've had an amazing first month. And Firefly plans to let our bliss be the standard not the prelude.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking of ditching my running shoes. :)

JNET

lent

I've never shared lent with anyone but we've decided to go tandem in our commitments. It's quite gung ho in the way of dating relationships, spending 40 days to grow in discipline and habits considering that weve known each other half as many days.

Ive given firefly permission to care sbout my sleeping schedule among other things, creating a better balance in work and play, writing consistently...etc.  His concern is cute especially since ive never cared much for sleeps.

We are not policing one another and we don't relate to one another in a punitive manner though we transparently share the thoughts and impulses that come before and between us.  Sharing lent has thus far been about sharing our human experience as spiritual beings.

So no fizzy, caffeine, sugary drinks and no store bought sweets.  I've taken to baking and sharing the love.  No swearing and no sexy pepsi will be easy.  I don't use street expletives and well....um...team happy hasn't quite gotten its happys in that ooh la la way if you know what I mean :).

Affection and validation via conversation, hugging and kissing is the rule of this season and the world may be a better place if it wasn't so underrated.

We've only begun and already had a discussion over the gray area of an animal cracker.  I love love love our conversations.

It's a 40 day conversation about discipline and habits;  it's a meditation over values and lifestyle.

I'm enjoying the conversations of this new journey shared.  We're encouraging one another toward better habits and health.  We're forgiving one another patiently while discussing the details.  And after 40 days, I think sharing lent within the newness of us will shape us in a remarkable way.  Amen to that :)

Jnet

everyday feels like valentines day

I did not host my annual cocktails and candy hearts party this year.

My firefly and I have been dipping into the dopamine decanter so much that we're celebrating any reason to see each other mid-week; Valentine's Day presented us Tuesday, rehearsal and the imperative to do laundry gave us Thursday.

We're new.  Really really really new and the momentum of our enthusiasm feels both terrible and thrilling.   I'm part of the stratosphere and yet I feel grounded.  Its dizzying and sobering.

When i am with him i feel present to power and kindness.  He sets himself apart from others.  Conversations that I would find annoying and presumptuous by others land on a different ear by him.  Two weeks new.

JNET:  "Vacation  :) sigh"

R:  "I don't know if this is too soon, but....wanna plan something?"

JNET:  "You're cute.  It's fun to make even fantasy plans.  We won't be able to escape til after March, maybe May."

R:  "Sweet.  Summer!"

JNET:  "You're planning on kissing me 6 months from now :)"

R:  "Of course, but not if you've just had garlic."

Its surreal feeling somewhat swept away.  Ive never surrendered valentines day to anyone.  I had a cocktail party to host to safely distance myself from all overtures of intention.   But here i am surrendering simply by request.  He is at ease yet bold.  Adventurous yet well composed.  Being in the space of his intention is intensely intriguing that I don't have time to make a run for it.  I am comfortable though I'm in a world outside my comfort zone.

Its beyond flowers and sentimental words.  He has a way of making every day feel like valentines day.

JNET

a surprise of light

His nickname "Vagalume" means firefly. I like it. It suits him.

I thought life was brilliant enough and was engaged in my work and studies that I didn't expect anyone to come in and actually catch my attention. I thought that dating was for the lonely or was a form of social recreation that promised more ruin than good but Vagalume came along and lit a path I hadn't noticed.

JNET: "I have a friend in my other dance group that's mentioned he may come by to check out our flamenco class."

C: "Does he like you?"

JNET: "I don't know. He's a nice and friendly sort of person. He's nice to everyone."

Mr. Nice to Everyone visited my rehearsal the following weekend surprising me and setting a buzz of conversation among my girlfriends. Me, the content loner who happily returns to her daily solitude and pursues stretches of silence found my self curious and compelled.

We CELEBRATED two weeks of being caught up in the mystery this past weekend. Looking forward to rehearsals together, planning time together after rehearsal, happy to spend the next bit of free time to go on an adventure or DO LAUNDRY.

Do laundry :)

Is this how it is? How many people in my neighborhood are drinking the same juice and are enjoying being cheesy, quirky, happy that they are hanging out with their own firefly?

I like this.... this surprise of light. Its lit a path I hadn't noticed... I thought Life was full enough with music, dance, my friends and family. Looks like there's enough dance room for fireflies to work out choreography.

JNET