The Wheel of Power and Control

Isolation

Intimidation

Male Privilege

Threats

Using Children

Emotional, Economic, Sexual Abuse

He had the eyes of a teddy bear and the heart of vadar.

I was busy as usual in my whirlwind of life, enjoying independence at college. He showed up to be my protector when a conflict came up at school. The world was too dangerous for me and he wanted to be my only safe place.... . ISOLATION

I wasn't used to being afraid or feeling insecure. I wanted to rebel against these new phantoms and tear them out like weeds in a garden. He gave me "space" and then told me that I was afraid of love saying that it was my own rebellious spirit that was causing problems... that I was a destroyer of love and a fearful creature in the safest place in the world. INTIMIDATION

I needed to "learn to trust" he said. Wasn't I willing to grow as partners? He asked that I trust him with handling our financial affairs and I wanted to be able to trust him. MALE PRIVILEGE

Life was challenging. Mistakes were made and details fell through the cracks. Things weren't set up for success and he didn't have the patience to talk things over. Gone was the patience he had in declaring himself as my safe space. Life was too overwhelming for a conversation. He was angry and tired. The slow driver, the barking dog, the noisy neighbor angered him. The last thing he needed was my complaints and concerns to rock the boat. I woke up one evening thinking I was dreaming... He was on top of me, squeezing my arms til his fingers left marks, demanding at a whisper that I had better fall in line or watch out. THREATS

"When we have children, I will make sure that your mother and family never sees them." USING THE CHILDREN

He told me what my thoughts were because he disagreed with them. He used to make me feel beautiful but as life began to be more frustrating to him, everything was ugly til eventually, even I was ugly. He told my mother that I was acting crazy and telling stories. Our finances weren't being handled. I began saving my own money. EMOTIONAL, ECONOMIC, SEXUAL ABUSE

"I never taught my daughter to lie." she told him. It was good to know I still had a safe place... my original safe place was still mine.

Once a best friend who said he would go to the ends of the earth to win me. Flowers every Friday. I was doted on lavishly that if anyone told me that the future would be a nightmare, I wouldn't believe it.

This power and control wheel states the different behaviors that those who abuse power and control take... What I wanted to share was the tiny spiral where the appetite was first fed. ISOLATION didn't feel like isolation while we created our own little world.... all the shadows were a much lighter shade before they became frightening.

I grew up in sunshine and therefore had no skills negotiating with shadows. I could not save my love from the darkness after it took over his heart and his eyes no longer shined for me. If I stayed I might have lost my heart as well. I was dying too. I had lost my words for living and I sat with silence, very sad and shocked. How can my dreams be possible if I no longer had a voice and my mind was numb?

And so I walked away. I did not wonder and hope til I lost hope in myself. I left when I knew I was the only thing I had left to save. I didn't care about money, security or love.

It is you that must always save yourself. Your mother, your friends, your co-workers can hope the best for you. But it is YOU that has to save yourself.

JNET

PHOTOS: Angelic Babies and Naughty Mommies

I attended my first ever 1-year-old birthday bash, my niece's. I brought G along to share the special day with and to gleefully generate a bit of scandalous stares. (No, he's NOT my boyfriend... and yes, I know he's totally HOT but if you're interested in him, he's one of the best human beings I know that walk this earth and he is available.)

Baby R seemed to have a happy day. I don't think she realized the reason for all the people hugging and kissing her was to celebrate her. But there was one moment while everyone gathered to sing happy birthday to her... there seemed to come a second of recognition when awe and delight came across her eyes that the cake, candle, clown and 100 guests was all for her. She even looked quite touched by the sentiment.

She, of course, in her baby attention span forgot about it within 30 seconds.

I caught up with many friends and family extensions during the party. My brother's celebration of his new baby and sweet wife brought many folks we haven't seen since the wedding. Meanwhile, other cousins and such brought their brand new babies as well. The house was swimming with joyful cuteness.

A childhood friend even dressed up as a clown and did his magic act as well as created balloon animals but the crowd was yet too young that he entertained US big kids, teaching us how to do the magic tricks and sharing his experience with clown training. I made sure to go all out with getting my face painted and got a watch and ring painted on myself and wore the biggest balloon hat creation that he created.

As for the naughty mommies....

The babies were adorable and a household of newbie parents was charming. The naughty mommie was mi madre; the queen matriarch herself, of whom I have some concerns.

How did I turn into the parent?

Anyway, mom is hanging out with a new crowd and is getting a gossipy mean streak with them. She didn't know I could hear her friends and her gab across the room. I rubbed my fingers and gave her the "shame shame shame" symbol to which she came across to me and asked.. "Can you hear us talking, honey?"

"Of course, mom, and you are not talking nice. I don't think you are speaking fairly."

I have yet to connect to mom later this week. I want to think further how to approach her "new mean spirit" of being. If it was me during my teens, she would've grounded me from hanging out with a questionably nefarious crowd....

Anyway, I will be in San Diego again this coming weekend to be with D for his father's funeral. I was happy and surprised to see him at my niece's party though she is his god-daughter. It was good to catch up with him a bit and the circle of bestfriends was complete for my brother. What a circle of devotion!!!

So there, Life is good. Birthday parties, funerals, friends, and family. In the space of inperfection, it is all perfect all the same.

JNET

Infinity Girl

I kissed my buggy and sent it off to get work done on it... finally. After talking to several mechanics, auto parts people, insurance folks and VW afficionados. Beating the pavement LITERALLY, blowing up the phone lines and surfing the internet, my bug found its destination for some restoration work.

Meanwhile, Mystic has graciously loaned me his car for however long I need it. Cool!!

I am still celebrating champagne days and gratefully toast to divine providence in providing me with the income to be able to continue living without needing a roommate to share rent. More prosperity this way, please.

I feel more sane and organized with the new year and haven't had a lonely moment. I have a constant flow of love coming from friends and family and I'm imagining everywhere I go, the path is paved in cheerful sunshine gold and full of inspiration and good people.

My greatest challenge right now, surprisingly, is writing... I am working on my own darling project, a novel, and I'm being such a meanie of a censor to myself... I need to creating freedom and infinity more within myself as I enjoy abundance from around me.

JNET

"The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man.

The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker
and calls that self-confidence.

The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes
and calls that humbleness.

The average man is hooked to his fellow men,
while the warrior is hooked only to infinity."

Carlos Castaneda

I Am The Message in the Bottle

I've caught glimpses of my dreams between the bobs and waves. I'm the message in the bottle. I've thrown myself to trust the unknown - to take the uncommon journey. I'm the message in the bottle.

Sustained and protected, cast unto the sea of my intention for something extrodinary. I am the message in the bottle.

JNET

"If I were to wish for anything,
I should not wish for wealth and power,
but for the passionate sense of potential --
for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible.
Pleasure disappoints; possibility never."

Soren Kierkegaard

Love... Love... Love... For Me?

Perhaps I am too pragmatic for romance. My passions seem to follow notes and words. Perhaps if I met a musician with a flair with words... or a wordsmith who adored music... or something in between.

I know it's all my fault. All the sweet attentions I get from my suitors.. (I don't do the boyfriend thing... instead...doing the fall in love by centrifugal force.. gaining fascinating observations!)

I find myself enjoying a book as better company or my piano. My patient admirers chuckle to themselves as they bump up against theirselves in dealing with me.

But perhaps that is the beauty of the process. I learn about a few wonderful people. Being mindful not to wear on dating pretense, I am happy with mutual admiration and being platonic.

I always find myself thankful to be able to say goodnight and close the door. It would not be a good thing to be distracted by something that doesn't inspire me. Romance is not a good place to practice "charity." It seems to be the way of many though... to give love to neediness in order to be "generous".... and then walk away saying "I never loved her."

As much as I love my solitude, I do wonder if I could sanely share a happy silence with someone to punctuate special moments with.... What I would do though to find someone absolutely engaging and endearing... someone to admire and celebrate. I would like to find someone to promise a safe place who'll not wish to ever consider being reckless with my heart nor others.

Oh well... the future has yet to unfold... I suppose I'm saving my kisses until then.

JNET

The Voice of Reason vs. Buying Into Fear and Anger

We all have our gut feelings about things.

I tend to gravitate to voices of reason that are calm and leave choice without engendering negativity. Anti-movements versus pro-movements have different flavors. I'd rather attend to a talk where tapping into inner power is central versus a meeting where people gather to complain about the powers that be.

Complaining versus creating worlds of possibility....

I've scheduled meetings with colleagues to begin at 10pm or later and enjoyed brainstorming sessions with friends into the wee hours of the night.

Anyway, complaining tends to make me tired... something about it literally steals my wind. I tend to avoid complainers and stop my friends on their mindtrack of being stuck and taking me there to humor their misery.

Have you ran circles with a friend late at night on the phone and gotten nowhere except to understand that they were attached to their drama and wanted a new person to subsidize the drama with them? I don't give open accounts to emotional vampires.... not after learning from past bites.

Please bear with my preamble :)

So, here I am, just your friendly quirky girl next door. I come from a pretty good family that has survived some pretty nasty rollercoaster dramas that we manage to laugh about NOW... seeing "dysfunction" as a temporary breakdown of communication and not necessarily a permanent condition...

My mother is at church EVERY DAY doing rosaries and community work whereas these past couple of years I've chosen to spend my quiet time within myself (with God minus the building and community gatherings).

I enjoy visiting different spirit communities. To me, it's quite an artistic concert of intention. Having watched different orchestras and conductors as well as observing many music ensembles and their leaders, its always a pleasure to see the many ways that love and community is created.

So if rock speaks to you, don't complain at a Bach concert and try to make everyone as miserable as you. If a cappella music bores you after an hour, find what you're looking for. The world is full of drum and bass.

Perhaps, it is mean of me to think this way but the phrase... "if it's too hot, then get out of the kitchen." applies.

A person had left a comment on my mirror blog at blogspot. Given the chance to check out their own blog, I took it. And found an ANTI-OPUS DEI blog.

Of course I read through many of the entries... but I do most of my reading between the lines and this is what I came up with...

If a person declares themselves as a former member of 20 years, wouldn't they have some personal anecdotes or accounts to share? I've been writing for over two years on my blog and you'll read everything from parties with my friends, thoughts over my work and trips out of town. Any person can get a sense of who I am and see a bit of my life...

I am a bit wary of this "drake" whose anti site is very ONE-DIMENSIONAL having a wealth of links to other ANTI opus dei websites. This person "drake" has an obvious agenda but doesn't back it with at least a personal sob story... a personal anything for that matter.

Which led me to believe that the site was not a real BLOG but rather... an ADVERTISEMENT... or in this case... ANTI-ADVERTISEMENT.

I listen to voices of reason... and not advertisements to buy fear and anger.

JNET

Sacrifices for Growth and Greatness

I brought up the issue of "self-mortification" during my time with L, an Opus Dei member.

Let's define this "religiousese" word:

MORTIFICATION: the practice of asceticism by discipline to overcome desire and to strengthen the will.

Bearing sacrifice makes one not take for granted that which one aspires toward..a sense that one can overcome their desires and grow in strengthening one's will.

A dancer spends years of countless hours to develop grace and strength, bending their body in positions not natural yet making it look effortless after years of practice, a musician's technique is no accident... controlling independent fingers to be agreeable and expressive is not easy... and the writer, artist and athelete grows their greatness in the spaces of solitude. Conversations are exchanged for silence so that creativity has a clearing.

And so I understood, L's practice of "self-mortification" .... "small sacrifices" in order to grow self-discipline, mindfulness of the inner conversations, and appreciation of life by creating struggles to humble one from being attached to personal suffering. It's the lessons and creativity that one is embracing... not the "pain."

Without mindful focus on balance, the artist and athelete could injure themselves if they blindly allow ego to drive them into a maschoistic regime... and such mindfulness is required of spiritual exercise as well. A trained musician and a coached athelete knows which boundaries to push to challenge oneself.

The fruits of these sacrifices can be seen by what a person produces... is their life a work of artistry and excellence... or as the people of Opus Dei strive for... a work of God.

JNET

Opus Dei

For several years now, I've gone back and forth in my consideration for taking on a life of religious vocation.

G took me to visit with his sister in the Bay Area who is a numerary of Opus Dei and I was charmed by the sisterhood life that L is living. She is an optometrist and she lives with a diverse group of women that are the best of friends. There was a lot of laughter shared over a lemon meringue pie. Opus dei's philosophy of life is that the daily life is a "work of God".... therefore, being a great teacher, optometrist, college student, or homemaker can be lived to the gratitude and celebration of God.

L lives in a beautiful community and all the women; young and older are absolutely lovely people... inside and out. I asked my questions regarding the image that the book "The Da Vinci Code" creates about their organization and found it absolutely funny that a work of fiction has managed to create such distortion.

Is Opus Dei for me?

Opus Dei certainly has a certain appeal that contrasts with the ascetic life of a nun. Knowing myself, I know I am not a perfect fit for a cloistered Christian life. Not that I think that having a faith and being committed to its corresponding community is wrong or insular. It is due to their special commitment that the health of their spiritual community grows and thrives. They are a system of people that are essential but no better than other systems. Does a body think the nervous system better than the immune system?

L and her friends have found and created their home.

My place in this spiritual world is still under construction. I don't have a "name" for that home or a certain community that I belong to exclusively...

But I certainly consider life as an opportunity to celebrate and live as an "opus dei" a work of God. My champagne days continue toasting to the beauty and diversity of life.

JNET

"Leadershipis much more an art, a belief,
a condition of the heart,
than a set of things to do.
The visible signs of artful leadership are expressed,
ultimately, in its practice."

Max Depree

Happy 2007!!!

I had a perfect New Year's Day.

My champagne day began at the stroke of midnight. And I want to continue having champagne thoughts for the rest of the year. It's my favorite drink and with good reason... You can never be sad having a glass of champagne.

Mystic made a surprise appearance at my party that pleased me. I like sweet surprises. I didn't get to sleep until nearly 5am. I woke up a bit dizzy after a few hours of rest but jumped out of bed happy and cleaned up before heading out to a brunch in Westwood to join the Greene Knight who I haven't seen in almost a year to meet and make new friends.

I have a game to play this year and that's to have champagne thoughts... live like that world is at my feet, full of delight and celebration...a bit of boldness that tickles the mind but full of gratitude toasting to life.

Want to play with me? I think it'll be a really FUN year. 2007.... I love it!

JNET