Sunday, February 8, 2015
Once upon a time….
I lived as if jelly beans and champagne coursed through my veins.
Before you trip over figurative language, let me ask you…
Do you remember a time when you laughed, smiled and danced a lot? Thought the world was exciting;, the days welcome to wake to, the evenings a time to stretch hours?
You sprang out of bed and you felt compelled to stay up finding ways to extend time?
I walked on rainbows. You too?
I walked as some chose to leave as time passed. Different times. At nine years old, nineteen. After a milestone, new love or new job. Yet some chose to never walk off the rainbow, determined to adventure til they turned ninety nine and beyond.
I read my second post,“a happy thanksgiving with myself” and realized that I’ve not left the path I was on but rather I’m holding on to it from a different angle.
It’s not comfy. Imagine having your harness secure (support system ie friends and family) but your dangling in midair on your zip line because you’ve lost momentum.
Maybe you can relate too.
It’s a bit scary and embarrassing to not feel a wind on one’s sails.
On a bad day it’s a dull pain of thought and on a better day an urgency to go, fight, win hitting like a splash cold water.
I have a sense to want to pull myself upright and forward. Many days, slower than I’d like. Being discouraged and tired has now annoyed and frustrated me ….multiple times.
Do you know what scares me the most?
The notion that I may forget how to be happy.
That is what compels me to write.
That…and being sick, tired and bored of how things are marching along. And like the beginnings of this blog, I am writing for myself. To help me make sense of anything that is good and right with my life, affirm my own existence and snap me out of my stuck on my zipline thinking.
And if it helps anyone who accidentally stumbles upon my world….. who relate to being midair. Reading quietly along so that they too may find their feet on the rainbow. Yay.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Have you ever felt like you've woken up from a foggy nightmare only to realize that everything terrible that you've dreamed of did happen and that your waking moments were burdened by the weight of the experience?
Yet somehow, you had the tiniest bit of sense that you had to snap yourself out of a hypnotic, soul deadening way of being lest you lose yourself, living your days on a slow death march.
I used to.....
I can fill the blank with many many things.
I used to sing. I used to dance. I used to write. I.........
My mind was filled with dizzying thoughts and fancies that I had to write, perform, do something to express that fervor for living.
And then I found myself silent.
Call it the fortress walls, the defense shields. I placed all energy and trust into a protective system while I worked on restoring myself. Time passed and I found that though I felt safe and parts of my world yet thrived; I was dying.
Wait... didn't my friends call me warrior?
Vague memories of bright yesterdays bank about a head that feels like swiss cheese. I cannot rely on my friends or family to break the codes that will free me. Loved ones are always there like guiding stars. We all have our guiding stars. Yes? And at the helm directing our feet forward and our thoughts beyond us, its simply you.
What say you captain?
What shall I tell myself?
I feel as brilliant as a brillo pad...and just as cute.
For now, I sleep walk. Half awake, half asleep and weighed by a nightmare.
I don't remember how to be alive.
So I've returned to the beginning; to my first blog post. Like a baby, I've put my feet upon the feet that knows how to walk. I will use words that I once used so that I may find my voice again.
The future begins here....
I'm waking up...
Monday, December 9, 2013
"We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden."
Lest my soul harden.
So here I am to declare that you can return to something you love even though you feel like you are sputtering through a season or two or three or four trying to remember your voice. Here I am even though two birthdays went un-noted ---- jnetsworld turned 8 and then 9. Life has been profoundly heart breaking and heart building these past couple of years.
I've cleared out house, sat in the silent space, had friends visit bearing gifts and pails of paint. Thank you for your voice. It's what brings me back.
My favorite hellos throughout the years.
UMA: "A blog with a soul!!!!!!!!"
DOCTORMATE: "Presence ...A superb diarist resides here ... jnet writes with calming power and silken insight ..."
DAWNBLUE: "Beautiful artwork along with beautiful words as to what the importance is to this person. I spent time stumbling Jnet and found myself lost in her world of music and art and could spend an eternity."
IFIKNEWBETTER: "i enjoyed her blog... lots of neat quotes... wonderful lasting images... lasting thoughts... a rainbow of ideas... "Beauty, the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband." "Don't go through life, grow through life."
QUHQUH: "JNET is an explorer on the frontiers of her self and her trail is worth sharing. Thanks, JNET."
COOLBUS: "this is my second review of a stumbler that has a beautiful blog. it's full of excellent writing and more. her writings always tickle my mind. visit here. spend time, and come away the better for it. 200 thumbs up for this neato person!"
SWEETMELISSA2005: "JNET's way with words.., WOW. If she is not a writer or does not plan to become a writer, well then too bad for us because she does it so eloquently. I am truly in awe."
PAULFRANK: "I think I am in love."
DESTINYSFATE: "Different in each & every way possible yet so much in which she shares....I'm in awe of how I can honestly concur & relate to the 100th degree. Unique virtual boutique of expressions and suggestions"
JAMES: "Jnet, I love the way you write…such beauty."
LITBITOFSONSHINE: "I loved her creative writing on her stumbleupon and her wordpress. She rocks and rolls and has such a open and sharing and caring understanding soul; one I even marked to read again as I will also visit her pages. Its nice to learn about families from her point of view as well as so many other mind expanding things - just wowzers."
DAVE: "I loved your “loving like an athlete.” Keep up your good writing…."
ALAN: "You inspired me to change my blogs look as well, alas, my change was not as stunningly successful as yours. This is to be expected though, since your talent shines through everything you do here. My compliments!"
DESTINY: "Love your world and thanks to you, I can now define myself in all the diversity and unique(ness) that I possess as a person…as a woman. Just saying Hello and wanted to share that..nothing more. I enjoy the substance of your blogs."
METALT: "Very impressive blog about life and I might add - balanced life. jnetsworld is a place I want to visit often and I deeply appreciate her for sharing with us."
RICHARD: "My beautiful and talented friend. Again, I must tell you how well you write, but of much more importance than that, how very proud I am to “know” someone like you. You have such fine judgment, your values are impeccable and you seem dedicated to your art. As you know, choosing a life of creativity is not without its pitfalls. However, you do not need my advice and will find your way. You know I wish you well, Richard."