The Heat That Gets To Me

Perpetually optimistic and perpetually pruning jnetsworld. I continue growing my world despite disappointment and setbacks.

But sometimes the heat does get to me and so I break out in heat rashes and get nosebleeds. It is never fun to feel compromised. I played into people's agendas this week thinking that I was in a clearing for friendship but later found myself in gallows of contempt.

I won't take it too personally. In being a witness to my friend's pains, I was naive to think that I can offer some comfort and not be overtaken by strong currents. I have a slight sense of malaise from offering myself. If I feel exhausted and ill, I can only imagine the pains they are feeling.

M: "You have tons of positive energy."

J: "I spend a great deal of time alone to generate it."

If I don't want confusion in my life, I clear out confusing situations and people. If I want integrity and stability, I surround myself with people who are committed and calm. Having "tons of positive energy" is not an accident.

And having "static interference" in my "tons of positivity" supply is not weird and unexplainable. The heaviness of friends' woes was laid upon me this past week and life got too hot and uncomfortable.

The happy masks upon the table?

I think by design we were made for joy... and its not smiling masks on the table that one struggles with... rather one struggles with masks of fears... imaginary phantoms of grief, aged stories not worth further humorings.

Thank God nosebleeds are temporary.... as well as fear and grief.

JNET