WORD UP: Unromantizing Christmas

Madame President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests:

In the spirit of bah humbug, and you don't have a soul sentimentality, I have written for you...

Un-romantizing christmas...

Friends, we have come to times of great hardship, unsure economic footing, our own car companies running on empty... AND we only have X amount of shopping days to muster a spirit of Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah and Winter Solstice.

Now why would I want to unromanticize Christmas in the space of 7 minutes? You've been happily worshiping evergreen trees for generations. Isn't it the season to be jolly, be generous and gift your nearest and dearest while getting absolutely sauced? You have special events and sales at the mall to attend. Doesn't the holiday and year - ending season rush puts adrenaline and calories through your system that count and plan your schedule around?

Well I want to one up Mr and Mrs jones... that's why I am going to trump Saint Nick and December 25th in true Hollyday spirit. You do realize that December 25th is not really baby jesus birthday. yes? I know you are an intelligent group of people that like to know the facts and enjoy whatever superstitions you choose. (OPEN UMBRELLA)

Since many of you may be MORE sensitive about Santa, I will be less controversial and bash Mary, Joseph and Jesus first.

This is who we owe a box trading tradition to... (NATIVITY SCENE PIX) That silent night, holy night, all is calm song is a lie. Think about it.... how can you be peaceful when you can't find a place to sleep and you have to go into labor which you've never done before surrounded by animals and then put your baby into their feeding trough.

Mary: Here? Have the baby here? The Son of God? It's sooo dirty!

Joseph: What do I do? What do I do?

(PUT baby OUT)

Sheep to Animals: DO NOT EAT THE BABY!!!

And from this scenario we celebrate peace?

It's seasonal decoration... elaborate toy sets, or a clever way to sell more bread....

Do people notice where they can see Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus during the rest of the year?

Here's a piece of reality. (PUT OUT STONE) This was the typical fate of young girls with questionable conditions.

It all started with an angel... and a young girl.

Imagine yourself.. minding your own business when all of a sudden an angel appears. The angel says "DO NOT BE FRIGHTENED. God has decided to bless YOU. You will be with child."

A simple Jewish girl is suddenly a knocked up virgin teen. This rock should've been her reality. Punishment for adultery was death. What did girl tell the angel? "I am the Lord's servant and am willing to accept whatever he wants." And the man pledged to marry her goes along with the plan and protects the girl. Do you think there was any gossip? Years of it. Jesus was known as the son of Mary and in not such a nice way. What virgin birth? The girl was raped. Her husband is too weak to have her stoned. What kind of family gets on despite ongoing pressures.

Is this just a cute toy set to look at.

What would Santa do? You know what Santa does with naughty people. Naughty people get blacklisted and then given a big piece of coal. Does Santa see the world more black and white than your nightmare fundamentalist? Are we giving him slack because we like that he drinks milk, eats cookies and likes to laugh. Do we really want someone that caters to wish lists than someone who'll listen and understand?

Maybe with these dark times, everyone would feel at peace if everyone was given a bail out. Isn't that the reason for the season... to have a savior?

Do you want to celebrate peace on December 25th? If you do, you might want to also celebrate peace despite confusion, fear, gossip... and perhaps take on the confidence of a very radical family who chose to be servants of a God that they believed nothing was impossible through.

A pregnant teen. A husband that doesn't put his wife to death. A child who's first bed is the feeding trough of animals who'll grow up to be hated and loved and the world won't be the same for it.

I think many of us have heard the christmas story packaged so cutely. From confusion and uncertainty... can we grasp the kind of trust it would take to accept all things in strength?. Life is not CUTE. Look at the economy, systems and agencies are falling.

Do I have a gift to trump the Jones and even Santa Claus in unromantizing christmas for you? (TAKE UP BOXES BIG AND SMALL) Are your thoughts on the season neatly packaged... and can fit in a tidy box like this. Or have I freed them up to help you wonder....

Wonder.

Wonder that even if life gets confusing and unsure everything is still good... and wonder about a trust that transforms people and lives.

Merry Christmas Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.

JNET

Love Is In The Air... and I Am Feeling Claustrophobic

My facebook marriages, engagements, and relationships crescendo-ed to a quiet and peaceful single status. Meanwhile my real-time experiments enjoyed some happy practice time with the occasional mess up. I slowly found my un-JNET status of participating in salt shaker activity a bit of a challenge.

This silly year has been full of play. The podcasting habit slipped AGAIN, my blog writing routine disrupted - but I can do double turns when I salsa and I've been dancing and performing. Having added Pilates to cross train against dance and yoga, I can continue my ice cream indulgences with E after an evening of dance and then some.

And yet, all the ice cream in the world coupled up with fun and affection cannot cover over the growing frustration of having not been productive in my writing and piano practice, leading me to think that dating and a future of salt-shakering... ie pairing up is going to take more mindful thought and discipline. I also entertain the possibility of being a confirmed bachelorette.

Not to blow my mind at a minor level, the mathematician resurfaced full of sunshine and charm. He is so easy to adore. His conversations still have its way of pinning me against the wall as we entertain universal truths within details. Hot geeks unite... ha.

To salsa? To tango? To read a book? To watch a movie? To be together? To be alone....

Love is in the air...

And I am feeling claustrophobic.

Lucky me?

JNET

Random Thoughts of A Hurried Mind

2: 35am. Breakfast @ 8am. I'll be missing D's bikram yoga competition. Darn. My piano students. So little quiet time. Busy. And I still can't be still.

2:38am. Dancing salsa @ Sportsmen Lodge was fun. The day was full of serious and silly. Was it really Halloween? Intense over relationship talks with E. Private thoughts intense over things yet to be said. He loves me ... he loves me... and he loves me too. Life is dancing and I linger over the breaks of silence.

I only think of you... future... I miss you. Everything is perfect no matter what. Take it seriously but not too seriously. The possibilities are endless.

2:45. The adventure. I think of travelling solo and welcome that romance. Sky-diving tandem is fun but jumping alone doesn't fill me with lonliness. I love the excitement of being with myself as I steal into 2:48.

2:48. Breakfast with friends. Maybe I can leave a bit later. I'll still miss D's competition. Darn. so hard to be still.... as I remember that I also have dance rehearsal Sunday.

2:50. Time to force myself to sleep... as I indulge upon my solitude for random thoughts from a hurried mind.

Goodnight... good morning.... good night....

2:52

JNET

About Kayamanan Ng Lahi :)

For Immediate Release

Contact: Ave Jacinto
Administrative Director for Kayamanan Ng Lahi
kayamanan@earthlink.net ~ www.kayamanan.org

PHILIPPINE MUSIC AND DANCE INTERCONNECT

UNDER THE STARS AT FORD AMPHITHEATRE

Four Multi-Disciplinary Folk & Traditional Arts Groups
Collaborate For September 13 Event

(Los Angeles - September 4, 2008)

The Philippines' rich and diverse culture of dance and music will be presented in celebratory fashion -- under the stars – as Kayamanan Ng Lahi Philippine Folk Arts presents MAGKAUGNAY (“Interconnectedness”), Saturday, September 13, 8 p.m. at The Ford Amphitheatre, 2580 Cahuenga Blvd. East in the Hollywood Hills just off the 101 Freeway across from the Hollywood Bowl.

Presented as part of The Ford Amphitheatre's LA Oasis Summer Series, the evening premieres a creative, rarely performed vibrant collaborative numbers featuring a mix of traditional and post-modernist dance accompanied musically by the resounding rhythms of drums and metal gongs, the spellbinding sounds of the kulintang and the splendidly sublime stringed rondalla instruments.

MAGKAUGNAY features a range of specialized works led by Kayamanan Ng Lahi, with northern hill tribe celebrations by Institute of Native Arts, lowland Spanish-tinged festivities by the Rondalla Club of Los Angeles, and the southern islands' time-honored cultural heritage represented via San Diego’s Pakaraguian Kulintang Ensemble.

The evening marks the first time that all four accomplished groups, rooted in tradition but inspired by contemporary movements, have interconnected to celebrate the Philippine spirit in music and dance.

“Kayamanan Ng Lahi is excited to be working with Institute of Native Arts, Rondalla Club of Los Angeles and Pakaraguian, “ Joel Jacinto, cultural program director of Kayamanan Ng Lahi noted. “These groups are the best in their genre of Philippine dance and music. Although a small island country, the Philippines is very diverse in cultural traditions. Our hope with this collaboration is to show that however different our cultural heritage between the different regions of the archipelago, Filipinos are working together to build a stronger community here in America and we are achieving it through the universal themes and through love of dance and music.”

The event will also feature special guest soloist Camile Velasco, the American Idol Season 3 top ten finalist, to serenade the audience with a Filipino love song as part of the production.

Tickets, priced at $25 for adults and $5 full-time students and children, can be purchased at www.FordTheatres.org or by calling the Ford box office at (323) 461-3673. The $5 tickets are made possible thanks to a grant from Target, sponsor of Target Dance Series at the Ford. Target strives to make the arts affordable and accessible to youth and families because the arts help foster an appreciation and understanding of various cultures and points of view. Tickets are also available by through Kayamanan Ng Lahi at 310-391-2357 or via email at kayamanan@earthlink.net.

More on the Artists:

Kayamanan Ng Lahi Philippine Folk Arts is a critically acclaimed non-profit organization based in Los Angeles, California. Under the leadership of Joel Jacinto, Barbara Ele and Ave Jacinto, Kayamanan is committed to presenting, promoting and preserving the richness and diversity of Philippine culture through dance and music.

Kayamanan's artistic approach is based on anthropological research, resulting in a strong and appropriate translation between traditional folk and folkloric Philippine dance and music forms and styles - from the village to the stage. Noted for its extensive dance repertoire, costumes and music ensembles.

Kayamanan has received numerous accolades including L.A. Times' description of one of the group's concert as " ...consistently exciting and a triumph of enlightened cultural preservation." In addition to performing and holding weekly workshops, Kayamanan also plays a leadership role in providing technical assistance, training and consultation, instruction and planning of innovative and culturally appropriate performances and programs in folk dance to many student and community folk dance groups across the United States. For more information, go to www.kayamanan.org, email kayamanan@earthlink.net or call 310-391-2357.

Rondalla Club of Los Angeles (RCLA)
Rondalla, the traditional string ensemble of the Philippines, often provides the music for Philippine folk dances and is prominent in community celebrations like fiestas, weddings, and other civic and social events serving the Filipino community. Since its inception (1991), RCLA has remained active in various Filipino social and civic functions and is recognized as one of the leading rondallas in southern California. It has been a familiar fixture in the Pilipino Cultural Nights (PCN) held in different universities, colleges and high schools like UCLA, USC, UCI, UCR, CSUN, CSUF, Troy High and Whitney High to name a few. Together, RCLA's members have decades of world-class rondalla playing experience between them, having toured, performed and taught extensively throughout the U.S. For more information go to www.rondalla.org or www.myspace.com/RCLA, email info@rondalla.org or call Tagumpay De Leon at (818) 842-8655 or Patrick Tanega, (213) 399-2117.

The Pakaraguian Kulintang Ensemble of the Samahan Filipino American Performing Arts & Education Center performs gong-chime music and dances from the southern Philippines. Formed in 2003 by UCLA alumnists, Peter Paul De Guzman, Bernard Ellorin, Mary T. Lacanlale, Eleanor Lipat- Chesler, and Nickki Martin-Lustre, Pakaraguian has been performing at various festivals, lectures, venues and universities around southern California.

The group’s main purpose is to accurately represent and educate its audiences on the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao (ARMM) cultures of the Maguindanaon, Maranao, Tausug, Sama, and Yakan ethno-linguistic groups. It is important to note that music and dances from this region are NOT “Muslim music or dances.” These indigenous Philippine cultural arts forms originating from the Muslim Filipinos in Mindanao and Sulu are a part of the Philippines’ Southeast Asian heritage. For more information, contact Bernard Ellorin at 1-619-892-2297. email: bernardellorin@yahoo.com.

Institute of Native Arts (a subsidiary of BIBAK Dance Ensemble)
The Institute of Native Arts (INA) is a cultural arts ensemble based in Los Angeles, which seeks to preserve, promote and perpetuate the indigenous arts of the Igorot hill tribes of Northern Luzon, Philippines. INA is comprised of first and second-generation Igorot-Americans with the purpose of educating the world on the colorful Igorot culture through showcases, seminars, workshops and arts exchanges. Armed with their ever-present brass gangsa, INA's upcoming projects include inventory of ancient artifacts and instruments, archiving native chants and songs, and developing their artistic knowledge to include traditions such as basket-weaving, bamboo instrument creation, tattooing, and recording ancient rites and rituals. For more information call Michael Wandag, Director: 323-378-9872 or Jennifer Catanes, Director: 310-775-1732

More on the Ford

The Ford Amphitheatre is located at 2580 Cahuenga Blvd. East, Hollywood, CA 90068, just off the 101 Hollywood Freeway across from the Hollywood Bowl and south of Universal Studios. The grounds open two hours before showtime for picnicking. The Ford offers a number of dining options: a variety of food and beverages is available on site and box dinners for evening events may be ordered in advance. Patrons are welcome to bring their own food and drink. The Ford is disabled accessible. Portable wireless listening devices are available upon request.

On-site, stacked parking costs $5 per vehicle for evening. For evening shows only, FREE non-stacked parking serviced by a FREE shuttle to the Ford, for evening amphitheatre performances only, is available at the Universal City Metro Station lot at Lankershim Blvd. and Campo de Cahuenga. The shuttle, which cycles every 15-20 minutes, stops in the "kiss and ride" area.

This event is part of the Ford Amphitheatre 2008 Season, a multi-disciplinary arts series produced by the Los Angeles County Arts Commission in cooperation with Los Angeles County based arts organizations. For a complete season schedule, directions to the theater and parking information, log on to www.FordTheatres.org.

MAGKAUGNAY, an event produced by Kayamanan Ng Lahi, is funded in part by the Los Angeles County Arts Commission and presented by Asian Journal, Inc.

SPEECH: The Stillness Of Me

Good evening Madam President, Fellow Toastmasters and Honored Guests.

My name is JNET and I am presenting my first speech:

Seeing me in this dress, you would probably find it hard to believe that I am an introvert. I am someone who romances silence even though I am a musician and teacher. I am someone who appreciates stillness even though I am a dancer.

I'd rather hear about you but I have 10 boxes to fill. My ambition tonight is for you to learn a bit about myself by sharing a particular day in my life that occurred, a particular day of the week in my life and how my life is colored thusly. And to also to share in such a way that connects us despite respective cultures, ages, and experience....

Firstly, a favorite quote by a wise Jesuit priest...

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

We are NOT human beings have a spiritual experience. WE ARE SPIRITUAL beings HAVING a HUMAN experience...

And what is experience to me? It's an opportunity to wear a costume and be present on stage to play with the human experience.

I think my very first human experience was a very positive one.

My mother says that on the day I was born at a tiny military hospital in the Philippines, not a single baby girl had been borne there for at least a month. I can only imagine the greeting I received then. But I know a genuine hello today really stays with me. Those passing hellos from the hospital in the Philippines, to grade school teachers, college professors, and kind neighbors, now deliver me here to Toastmasters so that I may address you and ask you to wonder about your very first human experience.

Do you care that I've lived in Florida, Virginia, San Diego or Boston? Does it matter to you the things I've done along the way? How do I best give you a sense of who I am within six minutes? And how does an introvert get away with making her first speech in a ball gown anyway?

I think my friends here will agree with me that I am having a lot of fun with this thing called life. In many ways, Life is like a gala. Should I ever lose my shoe at a given moment, I am still the princess.

My family and friends are the jewels that adorn me. The education given me by professors, mentors and directors in my school of life has given me color and sound.

But I don't need this dress to explain the canvas of my life. Instead let me share with you my Sundays. This spiritual being out on a human experience has not been in church as much as she'd like these past several months. Instead, I've been at dance rehearsal at 10am every Sunday morning. My hair put up in a bun, dressed in a t-shirt or tank top with petticoats over yoga pants. My dance group is preparing to perform at the Ford this coming September 13th.

I will not deny that being able to dance in beautiful costumes thrills me. But I also get a thrill out of the arduous rehearsal. For 8 hours, we'll be taught basics to put 40 dancers into choreography about the stage. On a blank canvas of dancers in petticoats, Philipino culture, art, and history is put. We all look the same on Sunday.

We all come from busy lifestyles. We are all tired. We are all excited.

I go home by 6pm. Sometimes I'll go to a salsa dance class. Most times, I need to be home early so that I can broadcast my internet radio show.

"Good evening Los Angeles and beyond, Welcome to More Than a Headshot on blogtalkradio, and this is your host JNET, perpetual negativity slayer, bridge builder and lemonade maker, here with another episode for all you rugged angels out there.... "

Life has not been easy. Life is not easy. I've moved so much that I never kept a childhood friend. My father died while I was in grade school. I am not happy with my pirouettes. I wish I could be more focused in my writing. I wish I didn't know the thrive survive divide. My mom is about to have surgery and the challenge to take care of her between my brothers and myself ...

ahhh... that's the stage getting hot, I suppose.

Some ask in their heads... "what would Jesus do?".. I also ask... "what would Beethoven do" .. What would a perpetual negativity slayer do? How do I make something beautiful out of this?

pursue a mastered life, a masetro's life... compose beauty, passion, and possibility. i know many of you know that still place. that place where a moment to be content, sentimental, or thankful takes a peaceful stretch to heave a happy sigh before getting clobbered over the head a dozen sugar glass bottles.

From the still place of myself... I say hello and pleased to meet you... to meet you and speak to the still place of you.

JNET

Relaxing Within a New York Minute

I am living the rugged angel life in Los Angeles and it is far from the "relaxed" I'd like to live.

Car stress...

I do love my bug... unfortunately, a mysterious electrical issue has now stumped TWO specialists. My car is only happy in Los Angeles and totally drains out of juice when it travels over 100 miles.... which means visits to my family in San Diego has been accompanied by a good deal of car stress.

I am renting a car tonight instead to head to San Diego.

D's mother unexpectedly passed away and I am off to my 4th funeral within the past 24 months. (5th... if you include the little memorial I had for my beta fish at my rose bush).

I race back up to Los Angeles to return the rental, teach and go to rehearsal...

I am performing at the Ford for their family event series of "edu-tainment" on arts and culture...

I'd like to do a million other things to catch up with myself and despite the hiccups of life over car and annoyances, I find I can relax and enjoy random moments. I am not writing as much as I'd like. I have drafted so many thoughts and left them uncompleted. I am not practicing the piano as I'd like; my fingers are stiff. I am not attending to my yoga practice... my quiet moments are in the car or shower in abbreviated meditations.... but I am enjoying my students, the rigor of my dance rehearsals, Toastmasters, a weekly podcast to host, the dotting of social parties while I ache from my Pilates practice.

If I barely have time to write, I also don't have time to be upset. My quiet times are left to picking up my room ... my less than quiet times is left to E and figuring out salt shaker techniques in balancing relationship with personal pursuits.

E: "Do you want me to disappear for a while?"

JNET: "That is no use. I'm trying to figure out the balance... otherwise the final decision will have to be give up trying to fit you in my life. For now, Life is messy until I can learn to manage my time with you in my life."

Even if E is not the ONE, learning to be happy, successful and having it all is a good lesson. If he is the ONE, hopefully I'll figure this balance out...

All for practicing... happily ever after.

Back to my work :)

JNET

Flying At The Speed Of Joy

J: "You are very quiet. I don't think you've said ten sentences..."

JNET: "It's before noontime. I rarely speak to anyone before then."

I stepped out of my world and joined my roommate to celebrate his birthday at Magic Mountain. After several weeks of juggling my schedule, stressing over cars, fitting in family and friends and trying to keep up with rehearsals and exercise, Magic Mountain seemed like a good place to blow my mind.

But even the surreal sounds of listening to "It Had To Be You" while being roller-coastered at speeds beyond 80mph, 20 stories above the earth, with pyrotechnics dancing to a mix of heavy metal, didn't blow my mind.

Life is already blowing my mind.

J: "You are soooo quiet."

JNET: "It's noisy in my head."

Random conversations while standing in hour plus long lines....

Zipping along in roller coasters doesn't do much to scare me. Instead, I am filled with an awe for the engineering and creativity. To enjoy a moment to safely fly and be able to imagine how angels must feel, is to enjoy a "thrill" of a different sort that is separate from fear.

FLY AT THE SPEED OF FEAR was Tatsu's teaser. Such a fascination with fear and death... Doesn't anyone flirt with LIFE and see what's possible? But the conversation of roller coasters rides heavily on the flirtation with death... I find it hard to keep that perspective when I know I didn't sign release forms entering the park and I'm standing in line with a group of enthusiastic twelve year olds. Doesn't anyone else think that riding roller coasters can be an absolute JOY?

FLY AT THE SPEED OF JOY.... that is how I feel ...over this ride of life.

Who said joy is a high tech roller coaster? Why not a rickety noisy car? A splashy smooth water ride? Why not joy is a bumper car?

Flying at the speed of joy in what today?

Today is a good splash day.

JNET

SS: The Accidental Boyfriend

I'm a bit unravelled.

It's a good thing.

My current facebook status update: Life and love is interestingly hilarious.

I am onto my THIRD facebook marriage of the summer and the only appropriate thing I can think to say to my prospective real time suitors is...

"Welcome to JNETSWORLD:)"

I do not know how most people do it... living it Noah on a daily basis. Together conversations and together times bumping against the Independent Meditation. Life in the carpool lane is not everyone's experience.

It's exciting and un-nerving.

Un-nerving because I am happy and wonder what more can I want in having someone's life align with mine. Un-nerving because conversations and thoughts are more demanding. I must balance self ambition and develop a shared dream in order to build possible futures with another person.

I feel like I've started a brand new company and I'm not the only president.

E: "You are incredibly rational."

JNET: "A couple of my guy bestfriends have voted me as such."

E: "Don't you have emotions?"

JNET: "I like them when they are useful."

E: "Hmmmm."

JNET: "I have no right to tell you how to spend your time. If you wish to date other people, then you should and I will decide from there how I feel about it and you. Anyway, I hate making decisions for other people. Be happy."

E: "Wow...."

I can't be the only person that thinks and talks this way... this "incredibly rational" way.... who experiences emotion yet in a surrealistically sacred and detached way.

And so exciting comes up in conversations... in all the ways of being... in entertaining salt shaker dances.

Do I have emotions?

Yes... very much ...

D: "You have a boyfriend? That is so UN-JNET."

JNET: "I know... It sorted happened."

I have an accidental boyfriend...

Meanwhile, I'm onto my third facebook marriage. I dissolved my marriage to my roommate after one week and we are still living happily ever after. The experiment continues... spinning possible futures, practicing expanding identities with boyfriends, husbands, fictitious and less than fictitious.

Welcome to jnetsworld...

It's nice that someone wants to be in my mad hatter yet sensible world. Status updates to follow.

JNET

PHOTO: Obituary of a Teddy

*as written by gordonopolous



TEDDY. Passed away July 4, 2008 at the age of one and a half weeks.

Teddy was a lifelong Los Angeles resident, born into a modeling career and faithfully served as an inspiration to the Women's group for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Manhattan Ave branch. With his talent and cute, cuddly looks, he effortlessly won a role as a demonstration for a cake decorating class held at the church.

He was then scheduled to travel to an Eagle Rock bowling alley to serve as a going away gift to a friend of the church, but that assignment never materialized due to an error by his creator in which he was inadvertently left behind and forgotten. He never recovered from this traumatic event.

After retiring, he served the remainder of his days in nearby Studio City, at the home of fellow Christians, where he became a centerpiece for their kitchen table. His realism and outgoing personality easily won him many friends and he became quite popular in his final days. He suffered from perishability, and after struggling for many days, his tired body gave out and he succumbed peacefully on the Fourth of July at 7:00 p.m., among many friends who grew to love him during his short but meaningful life.

He is survived by a small container of frosting, still in refrigeration at his former church home.

His cute face will be missed by all that knew him.

Memorial and interment services will be private.

Life In Wonderland II

A reflection on a reflection... two years later...

Do I change, evolve or pretty much remain the same???

**************

This is how I feel about Life a lot of the time.

My friends endearments make me feel put on pedestals. And though I may throw myself freely into unknowns that stretch imagination and reality...

I am afraid of heights and terrified of going to new places sometimes.

Though I make friends easily, love how beautiful the world of people is diverse and wild like a garden...

I feel incredibly claustrophobic at many times and have a strange wish that I had powers to render myself invisible. I distance myself from others with structures of esoteric knowledge and find my most blissful moments alone.

Though I may lead a spontaneous life, finding adventures at strange turns, and wander into new worlds alone..

I prefer the serenity and saneness of quiet days with good friends where little needs to be said and nothing is amiss in standing still.

Though I am told that I am beautiful, held in high regard, seen as graceful and feminine...

I feel awkward, goofy, and geeky... and I out of grace with my body. I study dance to practice grace and poise and find that it is my most challenging discipline.

Though I enjoymy freedoms, the streams of my thoughts and my ideas withou tinterruption.. Throwing myself into new passions and interests...and furthering my craft with each season...

I would like to enjoy being passionately in love and lose myself in my affections with someone, happily distracted.

Though I am independent, respected and seen as a model of strength and singularity...

I really feel quite vulnerable and fragile. I don't know if I am made of diamonds or glass. And I spend some quiet days questioning my contentment.

I wonder many times...

In my private wonderland.

JNET

SS: Composing a Symphony and Not a Jingle

E: "What are you looking for?"

JNET: "Truth... True Love"

I've never had a confidant; a someone to share my every day thoughts with. Ever....

Ever...ever... ever. And I never craved that type of audience. Being happy with my life never entailed a captured or captivated witness. A full life is difficult to unload every day plus the given divine moment is sacrificed.

Every person who's known me from birth knows that I am as happy catching up with a friend once a week as the person I catch up once a year and that I take no offense if time stretches longer than that. If I need to work out my thoughts, I rarely run to a friend.

I work out my thoughts alone, at the piano bench, at my yoga practice, in my writing. And then I go to my friends to let them know of my plans of how I intend to handle the situation. At that point I have rehearsed scenarios in my mind in how I would like my life to play out.

I am an introvert that finds fuel in the silence of life that practices understanding emotional noise. A musican interpreting myself through patterns of tempos and dynamics and writer who pens that path I walk.

Where in this life of mine is there need for a confidant? I work out things alone and trust things to be in their rightful place. I watch people try to possess one another, sharing secrets in serial official and un-official relationships only to have chunks of great memories and a lost friend archived to banished parts of their own soul.

That's what many people do to their lost loves. Losing pieces of their selves.

I couldn't deal with a piano bench full of unfinished music. Or pieces of songs where pages have gone missing. And a bench of one pager children's songs will drive me batty from boredom and being unchallenged.

So I am a bit surprised that Life has given me a confidant not because I need one but simply to have one. And I am a bit surprised because I have others who beg for a chance to know my daily thoughts (and then some) that inspire me to further seek solitude and give them theirs.

But, I have someone here who is actually listening to my silence and is not a muddle of propositions trying to mold me. And I am especially surprised that I am enjoying it despite the imperfections and awkwardness. He makes himself welcome to my world.

Last night, I had a moment where I just stared at him and didn't know what to say... And I felt better when I got that he didn't mind the silence and that he wasn't chasing to fill it with something. He was happy.

No matter how far I have gone to show him the door, told him I'd be happy to have him in the audience if he'd prefer to give up being first chair, he's insisted to that he can read my music. He keeps surprising me...

Can he take on the cadenza, I wonder?

JNET

SS: Salt Shaker Experiment Part TWO

My roommate asked me if I can marry him for a week.

The single click ease of facebook marriages makes for an interesting experiment. It's like running through sugar glass; acting the part with a lowered chance for pain while having the advantage of playing out a scenario.

Call it therapy for chronic singles that dread the prospect of coupledumb... I mean... coupledom. The status update is a purposely generated flirtation.... not with each other but rather with the concept. Dare I admit it, I am flirting with the idea of getting married... to someone... someday... at my insanely deliberate pace that is not in step with the common crash and burn world.

A part of me wants to be apathetic.

Isn't the world of salt shakers a boring dialogue of "what did you do today" "what do you want to eat" "where do you want to go" questions that are repeated ad nauseum until you are entranced or terrorized to bury your self in "partnership"? I want to be inspired. I want to be inspiring... not live as a log of a love one's calorie count.

A new game has begun....

Status updates to follow...

JNET

Feeling Heavy in a Zen Sort of Way

I go through moments where I am sitting in the chair of emotions and then shortly, visited by lengths of peace. Disappointment and sadness punctuated the hours. The practical side of myself looked at these moments as ego based and in the peace of detachment....

I look to the future.

I expect a miracle.

A miracle? Like a walking across the water miracle? No... but something wonderfully unexpected, gracefully creative, captivatingly honest and inspiring. That's my dream. It makes walking away from anything less, easier.

Shall I let myself be free into the unknown to meet truth and my dream or shall I accept less and live a life caged in mediocrity and hopelessness? Sadness had exhausted me over the week. It stole the wind out of my week's dear victories and joys. But I remember the moment when a clearing came to pass.

"To be happy is only to have freed one's soul from the unrest of unhappiness"

-Maurice Maeterlinck

I spent the week in silence, too sad to play the piano, heavy hearted; trying to learn the lessons that Life was whispering.

I found my joy again in remembering that my life is about expecting miracles.

Life as a work of art.

I am looking forward to my tomorrows.

JNET

SS: Crashing From the Dopamine Or This Thing Called Love

It was a brain dropping perhaps, the downswing of a dopamine high.

For a little while, life seemed perfect. I didn't need to sleep and I was exceptionally happy. Happy to be charmed and outwitted. A fault in theory did not hold up to argument and debate.

He could not make a case and I could not hold my regard.

I was surprised that I hadn't lowered my head from the clouds sooner. I suppose I can blame it on a darwinian fever; a human nature lending me to feel strongly emotional.

A shot blasted through my little heaven and the balance was tilted. I found no landing; no steady ground to stand upon.

I fell.

For several days now, I've allowed silence to settle in me. I fasted and sought ways to iron out my thoughts from my fantasies. Was I a part of an unfolding miracle or was I simply riding out a chemical reaction?

The beauty of it was fleeting. All songs and music over it was muted. And I found myself in a cage, feeling hungry when I have never suffered from hunger... the air was thin and I did not find freedom in new horizons,

I did not find license to be fully expressed. Now, I am an explosion of words seeking homes for displaced ideals.

Is it a neural itch from which I did not find peace. Did I find love in the space of chaos? I don't know. I didn't have the patience to tolerate the growing incongruence. Let me blame it on the moon or a lack of good chocolate. Let the crash be blamed on a glitch in the matrix.

I suppose it was not a sturdy structure. I suppose it was a vulnerable design. Understanding and value did not grow. A match was never made. It was humored... and then humored... and then humored til the punchline was lost. The polypeptide party was cancelled. Happiness met anger in hallways and the noise from the other side of the door finally spilled through the crack and brought the house down.

Today, I watched the dawn alone and in the silence found that my ideals are safe at home. I am not lost or alone but rather I am in a space of learning and leaning on the understanding of the one who loves me...

I wait upon only one.

JNET

SS: Courting The Dreams of My Mind

Despite a life spurning salt shaker ritual as plebian, I cannot say that I do not dream of love.

Los Angeles can be a very isolating, maddening and lonely place. I listen to those who lament the loneliness of not possessing a partner. I listen to those who hurt for not being possessed. I am only inspired further to seek the uncommon to trump my doubts.

JNET: "I'm looking for a king."

E: "A king?"

JNET: "But a specific type of king. There are many kinds of kings and I am looking for the best one for me."

I have crossed paths with many kings and the mathematician was my favorite. But like Queen Sheba who spent a season with King Solomon sharing riddles and wisdom, I had returned to rule my world with lessons from admiring someone so powerful and kind. His deliberateness in silence, word and action amazed me for I never met anyone as mindful and unhindered. He claimed everything in his path. Not many people show such dominion and grace. I usually meet people who'd rather live by their fears than their dreams.

I chose to leave. We had our respective worlds to build.

And yet I keep my regard for this passing king, not necessarily hoping that he returns but in faith that others will come. Others who will understand the testing of wisdom and solving of riddles. Others who will show that my passing king was just a glimpse of the future, a king who engenders goodwill and power.

I do dream of happily ever afters... I pass on the distractions of happy for now relationships. It is far better to be rule my world alone than in partnership with chaos.

I seek the uncommon.

JNET

SS: Practicing Salt Shaker Life

Notoriously single, I decided to get married the easiest way I knew possible;

I married one of my facebook buddies...

JNET: "E, do you mind confirming me as your wife? If you don't mind playing along, I'd like to marry you this week."

The announcement... specifically, my facebook status update, coincidentially landed during a weekend I was planning to visit Las Vegas for the first time. Predictably, the plan was cancelled.

My first hello came from a friend in Kuwait... followed by half a dozen others from around the country...

A: "You got married !! OMG !! Congratulations !!! All the best sis :)"

Close friends suspected I would be spontaneous enough for a Vegas wedding but the glaring clue that made it questionable was that they all knew I will only marry on a specific date. I also began putting up crazy updates to entertain my friends to clue them in that I was playing a game... such as;

"JNET is honeymooning to planet XYZ in an ice cream truck..... JNET is drawing out her wedding portrait with crayons."

My current status update is:

"JNET is lost in a time travel catatonic state due to a stupid penny."

Would becoming part of a salt shaker set be fatalistic to enjoying solitude? As I enjoy both worlds through facebook, I see that a huge part of my identity is my singularity in living a soloist life.

So... I promised to marry half a dozen other friends on my facebook during the summer.

Solitude... my silence makes me sane. Is it possible to have it all? Solitude, silence AND a salt shaker life?

Perhaps my boardgame mantra fits here:

"I hate to lose (a boardgame) but I enjoy a good beating."

I am enjoying the shock, the hellos and the congratulations. Despite being the type of person that doesn't like to speak to anyone before noon unless I have to, I've been stretching my self in practicing "relationship" in my own ways.

Status updates to follow (on facebook)

:)

JNET

Hate is Good?

Last month, I went shooting and I checked out a self-defense class.

Lessons I learned:

If someone points a gun at you, RUN... it's hard to keep your target unless you are a really good sharp-shooter.

and...

Being able to defend myself is going to take more than a few classes. It is all muscle memory. Like learning music, nothing will play out right unless you practice A LOT...

G. attended Krav Maga with me and we left with our respective opinions of the class. After practicing our punches with partners who were holding practice pads, we closed the hour with two 30 second sessions of pelting a bag that each person had to straddle.

Having just one 30 second go at punching was surreal and by the time I was at my second punching go, I had to stifle myself from breaking out into laughter. Being aggressive to throw punches on my bag felt very strange and I started to wonder...

Would I be assertive enough to protect myself should I come upon a situation that demanded my wits? Fight or flight? At this junction, I'd probably hope that I had enough space to run.

G. tapped into her anger and found she had a lot of it and aired that taking a self-defense class would not be good for her. She doesn't want to find out how angry she is.

But I disagree over the anger issue. I don't think anger will necessarily generate a strong student in self-defense. Anger makes people lose focus and grace.

I watched a student struggle with Beethoven the other night while wearing anger glasses. As her frustration sought to make sequences of notes run, she lost playing smoothly and clearly. Her timing became erratic and she forgot notes and got sloppy.

Studying self-defense where vision is filtered by anger and frustration would seem to lead to one's precision and focus compromised..... I want to study a martial "art" and art is more than a mood.

Nonetheless, G's encouragements and mantra of "hate is good" is a fascinating perspective. Not wishing to box her statement as diabolical, we pursued the topic on a philosophical level.

Hate on a basic level is simply an awareness of an aversion that causes one to withdraw. The mere word is controversial. Society seems to have defined it narrowly and a caller voiced his concerns that I was professing a call to hate... and assumed that I embraced violence.

If you hate bees, does that mean you are bent on annihilation of buzzing populations? If you love pizza, are you marrying it?

How sophisticated is our emotional library? If we are wise enough to say love is a complex word, is it not fair to also say that of hate?

JNET

Trampled and Doing Alright

Last Friday evening turned my insides out.

E. showed up to my door with a dozen pink roses and a birthday card. He had just flown in from Florida and I was dressed up for an evening out on the toon. After a quick hug, he announced...

E: "I just got a call. A is in the hospital. She got trampled by her horse."

I put the roses and card aside and grabbed my purse and an ill feeling overtook me. I can't take another death, I thought to myself. I'm still recovering from losing B. last winter and helping her mom sort out her apartment and things. Blast that horse, I knew I should've discouraged her from taking it after it had killed its last owner.

JNET: "Let's go."

I didn't say much en route to the hospital. A's condition was a mystery. Her friends that were with her didn't give us much to work with. We drove to Thousand Oaks full of worry.

A. had become the darling of the emergency room. Considering that her horse had lost its footing while racing at top speed and A had fallen off, had her neck grazed by the horse's hooves, had her ear ripped a bit and was "tip-toed" upon her chest, back and leg; she was swollen, bruised, cut up and in good spirits.

A: "Why is it that when you are looking your worst, half a dozen hot guys are right there! You should've seen these guys. They were beautiful!"

I knew my friend was going to be okay. She was cracking jokes to set everyone at ease and she looked unrecognizable. But she was alive and in good spirits. She was a miracle and she knew it. We tried our best to not cry. It was E. our tough guy who broke down and misted up as he took her hand while I helped pick the grass off her hair. She had brought back some of the meadow where she landed. Still too raw and sore from her accident, her head was the only part of her that I could look after without hurting her.

I stayed with her til nearly 2am. She didn't have a smooth transition to her room. Glue-ing her ear on took all the color from her. Her swelling had subsided but she was pale and feeling feverish. E. stayed behind to spend his first evening in Los Angeles with A. so that she wouldn't wake up alone and to make sure that she was taken care of well.

I had to get some sleep. I had a class early in the morning and then was scheduled to work from the afternoon through the evening for a photo shoot. Updates were sent via text through out the day.

I headed back into Los Angeles past midnight Saturday and went straight to A. to check on her condition...

To date...

A. is in stellar condition. You wouldn't have known that she was in the hospital just last week. The scratches especially the huge scrape on her cheek is GONE. I speculated to her that she might have superhero powers. She will be baking a cake or brownies for her paramedics.

JNET: "Save the cheerleader!"

As for the horse, he is in good condition as well as was quite shaken up by the experience of losing his rider. He was miserable. And when, A said that her horse "tip-toed" over her, I believe it. It must have taken all he had to not crush her but everything happened so quickly and he ran back to the stables alone and sat with uncertainty until A came to the stables before she was taken home to rest.

A will be fine. Miracles happen. A good friends make the scary moments easy.

JNET: "A. you're no longer just a stunt girl. Girl, you are a warrior."

E. "Yeah, don't you know that scars are sexy?!"

Despite the inperfections of Life, Life is still perfect.

JNET

Defying Downward Spirals

It's Friday and I feel a bit wiped out. A busy weekend stands before me and all I can think about is how to power relax and deal with an overwhelming sense of feeling a bit blue despite my red dress disposition.

So much to look forward to this weekend... Like every weekend, I have commitments. Last time a shooting class at the firing range.. this time a fighting class to check out Krav Maga... then straight to a salon to follow a model and take pictures before going on set in Whittier. Meanwhile, I have a friend visiting from Florida... socializing and fun times will stretch into the late evening and spill on to Sunday.

Sunday, I plan to make it to church. I need a dose of amen because though I have so many fun things that fill my day including my teaching practice through out the week and three midnight podcasts to host over the week, I've been feeling flat and a shade of indigo.

I seem to have booked my self into a space where I have to rigorously own my quiet times in a minute corner from activity and I learned something really interesting this week during a downstream glide down my downward spiral...

I'm paying the cost of restlessness and painting myself different shades of blue...

You would think that affording time to be alone engenders peacefulness... Who out there longs for quiet, or solitude, or having less obligation taking over personal time? I enjoy the luxury of solitude but time alone is not always time spent well.

Am I missing something these past couple of weeks, having spent many late nights with friends celebrating and extending my birthday celebration? Late nights are not a rare thing for me, I noticed that my moods have been feeling tried and compromised lately, that I began wondering and wandering into my restlessness.

If I am not missing something than perhaps I have something different going on that is draining me of my pep and bubble. So many thoughts to consider... I let myself go rampant.

You might as well put weights in my shoes.. I tried on many thoughts. I went through the "something is wrong with me and my life" conversation... to the "what ought I be thinking about so that I can make some modifications in my life"... to "I missed spending more time with myself to practice or write blues"...to... remembering that I had been dealing with allergies and living a zombie evening existence on allergy medicine.... And "maybe I'm sick and tired and need a vacation"...

I finally arrived to.....

"wow... so this is what happens when you have a busy lifestyle and you stop going to yoga class"... I haven't gone to class in a couple of weeks. I usually go three times a week. Thankfully, I stopped beating myself up and ruminating on things to find wrong with myself or my life... I made a decision: I am to get myself to a yoga class.

Imagine if I never got to the yoga argument and was not able to forgive myself... My restless meandering thoughts could've gotten stuck in a nasty ditch. Somewhere within my week, I became aware that I didn't feel happy and energetic and sought to pull myself together, at first for my work and then for my friends whose company dots my schedule.

Last night, I considered taking a nap... 10 minutes before my podcast was meant to be aired but showed up anyway. I opted to not share my terribly taxing thoughts with my friends. I've moved forward but will marinate a few thoughts before I do anything rash.

Until then.... must get to yoga class...

PHOTOS: My Metal Dimension

You might have just as well put me away into a box... a metallic ugly box...

My perspective of myself needed alignment, afterall, they were JUST braces. And though I wore them for only 10 months and suffered very little physical discomfort compared to my teen counterparts, my vanity was in pain. I was a grown adult in ortho anti-fashion; braces.

Some days I managed to keep my cool cute. Most days I fought with myself for being so shallow.

They finally came off, two days before my birthday, just in time to celebrate and not be self conscious of a metallic smile. But I fluctuate in battling habit and unconsciously smile awkwardly under phantom braces. I'm bouncing between the space of shy and not shy.

If only I was as accepting as my friends and family of my metal stage than I was of myself. Hip Los Angeles doesn't exactly embrace the extra bling. My friends did their best at encouraging me and their words made them less "visible" as I forgot them while being distracted in the moment.

I beat myself up in my vanities despite compliments and encouragements. The braces are gone but I can see that I am still beating myself up over imperfectations I wish I could remedy faster at a yoga class or through a vitamin. It's nonsense. But its true nonetheless that what I see in the mirror is different from what everyone seems to be looking at.

I'd like to break out of this box someday. My metal dimension has melted into the past and I am now aware of my self-critical eye.

JNET

PHOTOS: The Silence of Me

My life is a constant celebration of challenge and thankfulness that it only makes sense that the parades and toastings meet their balance in the silence that is me.

My birthday this year has been phenomenal thus far... the challenges that are put up against my heart makes me wonder if I will burst. My car is broken and stalled in San Diego and I am using my mother's car in the meantime. Mom just had surgery and is on the mend staying with my brothers. She was having a terrible time over it and was awful to take care of over Mother's Day Weekend... She's much better now but not without jumping some hurdles.

Romancing LA is now podcasting 3 midnights a week at blogtalkradio so that I may practice more rigorously my public speaking skills while balancing out my teaching practice and personal fun time on a pin. I have yet to grow my discipline with writing... to eventually publish that book of mine.

Laughter... and lots of it personify the spirit of my family and friends. There's not much room for misery even though there are cars to fix and bills to pay. The sudden advances of a friend from the past caught me off guard but the attentions of XYZ trump all efforts.

I've face painted, danced, toasted, played and power relaxed in spaces of minutes in order to fit everything in... that it comes as a welcome haven to meet my silence once again to write, play the piano, nap, garden and reflect to catch my breath.

I miss no one when I dive into the depth of my thoughts. Today is Monday, May 19th and I am enjoying the first day of silence to myself for the month. My greatest memories are appreciated when the parade is allowed to quiet itself down and enjoy thankfulness in silence.

JNET

Super Girl Solitude

While others look forward in anticipation of upcoming events and occassions, I look forward to my next occassion to be alone.

I have a date with myself on Monday at 1am. To be alone again is an EVENT in itself.

ONE A.M. is when I'll have completed podcasting for the evening... prior to podcasting, I'll be dancing and taking a salsa class with friends, before dancing, I'll be modeling for my photographer friend and taking a few pix myself ;)

My "priors" and "befores" do not end there...

Prior to helping my friend with her photography class homework, I'll have attended a self-defense/fighting class for 3 hours... I'll have waken up, fed and dressed myself by 8am in order to commute to my class. I'm sure you all think.. soo what? It's an active life and waking up to get to a morning class that I get to attend for free..is no big deal... She'll be on the fast train until 1am.. How fun!

As it is, I am writing on stolen time. I ought to be cleaning the apartment because I'm having a birthday party and 30 of my fun and favorite people are coming over for a be silly "rock out your pajamas" party. The party begins at 7pm and will be my photography project... We will dance, play music, we will eat and laugh, we will drink and it will be fireworks of happiness in the house.

Afterall there is no way to feel uptight in flannel or in the company of happy people in bling'd up, rocked out pajamas.

I will try to make sure to make my power nap superpowerful to make that 9am class.

Making mental notes ...

Monday, May 19th at 1am. That will be the first time that I can afford to be absolutely selfish with myself and be able to relax and reflect again... Saturday is full of giddy party energy... Sunday is concentrate and learn work energy... very physical...

I'll return to my silent space soon enough after being at top speed... I'll have no appointments until late Monday afternoon then. It will be my time to let my thoughts wander and allow myself to be lazy with wonder again.

Until then, I steal moments at the piano to forget time and myself... and write.

Stolen pleasure of the day... I enjoyed a lunch in silence and laughed with my thoughts.

How I love my world and all the people in it... the laughter, the noise, the music, it is all like champagne..

In the small gaps of solitude, I'll care for my garden, clean my space, pay my bills, run errands to the store and banks, sit at the park, or catch up with a friend on the phone (very rarely though... I am too busy and distracted to even sit at the phone for any length of time)..

My world is full of wonderful people whom I enjoy getting to learn and know...
the world I run to go home to... to listen and learn more of is returning to my self.

I don't think my super girly ness would quite work if I didn't have my super girl solitidue.

Party at 7pm tonight... My girl friends are picking me up at 1pm to take me to the beauty salon for some down girl chat time.. We will be done by 3pm.. leaving 4 hours to prep and clean.. and dress up.

Meanwhile I write on stolen time.. I steal a song at the piano... minding that the place needs to be ready and my party smile on the go at a moment's notice...

ONE a.m. Monday... will be all about ME... and being still..

JNET

Living The Super Girl Life

It's my birthday week and the champagne toast life has bumped up a notch.
Life is dizzying full and bubbly.

As if it is enough that I am podcasting Romancing LA THREE midnights a week... and teaching my private students and enjoying my piano practice... as if it is enough that I want to go dancing at least twice a week to practice my salsa chops, make time for friends and family while juggling visits to yoga and pilates..

And it is enough.

I am enjoying it all. From facing off and laughing with mom over the tensions of taking care of her since her surgery, to chasing two year old nieces and nephews with tickles.. The parents' praise and the rocky practice paths of my students make for my work into play. And late nights followed by naps make waking into the next day an adventure.

A happier adventure still if I remember to keep a full glass of water near by all the time, make sure my cell phones has enough bars, and be ready to switch ON at moment's notice though I crave solitude and silence but find the shiny moment hard to resist.

I feel like I am juggling power saws. Being in the given moment makes for intense living and every conversation lives in the space between vaudeville and divine.

A new look gains new attention. The braces are gone as of Monday and I have a smile I am more confident with and the world seems to be staring at me sometimes. Friends from years back have floated into my world and new friends inspire me to dream of futures.

Since the strike of midnight onto my birthday the celebrations and blessings have poured. Countless toasts have been made, and laughs to make my sides ache create new muscles. They continue yet... beyond the spaces of time where I steal away to write. I feel like I'm living the super girl life.

JNET

SS: Waiting On Inspiration

He loves me... he loves me not yet... he loves me... he loves me not yet...

My muse has been MIA and still I am happy. A moment of missing him and sadness would come across me but a new moment would wash the feelings away.

I stopped writing. Looking at my archives, I see I've gone away for quite awhile. I've come back from my proverbial bermuda triangle where many wacky things occurred. I danced into a new world and gained a couple of new friends.

JNET: "Now if I can only squeeze you two into one person that is irresistibly kissable, then I have found true love."

I battle that side of me that looks upon salt shaker coupledom with skepticism. Isn't my true love "art"? Solitude had been my best friend.... a happy relationship supported by friends likewise engaged in their art, livimg lives that center around work that is synonymous to play and passion. We socialize over rehearsals, concerts, recitals, cd and book release parties... Not anti-social... perhaps just striving to be unencumbered and impatient toward frivolity.

A random day brought a collision of three people to an innocuous game night for Cranium and Catchphrase and a clan was born. Like long-lost bestfriends from third grade reunited finally after college, we tumble; silly and serious... - philosophical conversations segue to a cocktail and a boardgame moves on to practice a bachata. Eclectic and quirky... devoted without the secret oaths and carefree, I'm still not quite sure what's happened.

I absolutely adore C & E. They embrace individualism and balance sensitivity toward a collective connection. Their "distraction" has not deprived me of my art... True, I was not writing and I was not practicing the piano. At first I thought it was because I had lost sight of my muse. Still the thought of the mathematician brings warm feelings of affection over me. The power of mythology prevails. Interestingly, I returned with a new fire to my work, tailoring my time to include a new world and enjoying that I don't have to lose my style of solitude.

He loves me... he loves me not yet... he loves me... he loves me not yet....

Funny, I thought I needed my muse for inspiration... Rather, I'm finding that I am already inspired and enjoying the dynamic of others makes for a more interesting experience for me to express..

JNET

Romancing LA

You would think that after six straight months of doing a blogtalkradio show that a habit had been established. One show a week did not guarantee a habit. I feel off step and chose to dance instead, hitting up the salsa scene, ran around with friends and enjoyed adventures that rendered me unprepared to do my show.

Romancing LA slid to the backseat of my life. And somehow Guilt settled into the passenger seat.

"It's good to take a break." "I want to choose a new time slot." "I only want to do my show if I am well prepared." "I did not have internet access to do my show." "I was busy"

A litany of excuses grew. And then the calls and emails from my friends began...

"How's your show going?" "When's the next show?" "What's going on?"

I missed doing my show and the guilt of separation was hurting. Not only was I not doing a show... I had also taken a break from writing. I was experiencing a whole new world and not writing of it. I had even taken a break from practicing the piano as I threw myself into dance and enjoyed the company of new friends.

There is a place where excuses get exhausted and I got to that place.

And so I decided to return to blogtalkradio by doing a midnight marathon of shows... SEVEN in a row.

What is romancingLA? What is jnetsworld?

Simply put, it is words, pictures, a person putting a tapestry called "Life is beautiful." Struggle opens to resolution... the walk between dark and light. It is a call to fellow rugged angels, people who trek the field of life with a dream to make it a better place knowing that most of the work lies within their self.

Following bliss and blessing the dark times interpreting the moments as lessons along the way. This is what I care about exploring...

How did the SEVEN show marathon go?

Day ONE was dedicated to throwing away excuses....

Day TWO was almost compromised. I had committed to being a guest host on a friend's show, meanwhile, I had planned on attending a dance class. OOPS. It was day two and already the temptation to fall off step. Instead, I attended class, excused myself for an hour to call in my friend's show to speak, and then returned to continue dancing for a couple more hours. I returned home by midnight to host my own show, "Being a Have It All Person," having enough time and mental space to entertain dinner guests and hang out.

Day THREE was threatened as well. I had scheduled a show to be called "Time Management is an Attitude" and thought I would have a good amount of free time to prepare after an afternoon of teaching. I did not plan on friends arriving upon my heels enthusiastic to surprise me with a dinner get together sans surprise guests... Everyone was hungry and on the edge of cranky though pressing forward for fun...

I hosted the show, a bit off the hip, while entertaining friends and playing a board game. It was an exercise in multitasking and having fun in the chaos. I won the board game and learned that if I can do a show in those conditions then "pressure" is simply something I define myself.

Finally Day FOUR managed to be a calm show. And Day FIVE'S "Name Your Distraction" Day SIX's "Waiting on Inspiration" crescendo'd into Day SEVEN'S "Habit Factory." Each day was met with a challenge to NOT do the show...

My cell phone died... I borrowed my friends.... Friends wanted to go out for a drink.... I met them for last call. Mom requested to not do midnight shows... and my friends requested that I steer away from doing midnight shows on Fridays and Saturdays.

All obstacles were handled... not without some effort. And I have resolved that doing a weekly show is not enough practice to grow an audience. I am going to do a show every Monday and Wednesday at midnight and then an additional 12pm or 12am show on either Friday or Saturday.

Meanwhile that will spur me to write more and be organized... We'll see where this experiment goes.

JNET

POEM: Lost Poet

I wandered and didn't realize I was lost
Laughed the days away
Daisy chains and wild bouquets
Bloomed and I have forgotten the joke

Can I retrace my steps and discover again
The altar of my inspiration?
Was it your love or was it my love
That was the source of salvation?

A lingering cadence, a quiet candle
Keeps a corner warm for what?
To remind me of from where I have come
Or to reprimand me of what I have not?

Quiet muse, never been forgotten muse
Your favor I seek and dream to find anew
Every evening passed, I sent word to you
Has this poet strayed far from view?

My words swayed with songs,
My hands spoke through new limbs
Brought to movement by a humble muse
I danced and laughed with you in mind
Was it my pen that kept us true?

Dear muse, accept my poem...

A lingering cadence, a quiet candle
Keeps a corner warm for what?
To remind me of from where I have come
Or to reprimand me of what I have not?

What is poet without a muse, and a muse without its poet?

Copyright ©2008 J. R. Hollyday

Nightcaps and Pajamas

We didn't quite cute it out in baby dolls...

The flash of fun had to take a new turn... Katana's with friends for dinner, dancing and drinks at Social, ... lots of haha and rah rah...

After a week of miscellaneous wildness and art galleries, I was ready to jump off the Hollywood chic wagon and walk again to my own drum beat.. This little kitty girl was longing for the comfort and security of home and pajamas.

I enjoyed the beginning of a quiet evening with my roommate B and pal E for dinner - happy to cook and play board games at home. And then a bit of air gushed in from Beverly Hills through the front door.

C: "Jnet, let's go out."

JNET: "I'm not going anywhere unless I can wear my pajamas."

C: "Fine."

My friend had just returned from a gala event, dressed in silk black dress, jewelry and finery from Beverly Hills' boutiques. I was in no mood to join the hip masses and my mind was made. I had already played dress up all week. I'd rather clean my room or laze about home in pink pajamas than have another martini. I wore my strong will on well and my friend knew how to circumvent it.

C: "May I have a pair of your pajamas? We can rock out in pjs?"

I handed her a pair of flannel red and white plaid pjs and a red shirt and continued my board game.

B: "Hey, my friend invited us over to the pub where she is working. She's a sweetheart. We have to go say hello to her."

JNET: "Then I guess that's where we're going in pajamas."

Pajamas, jewelry and high heels. We did not wear baby dolls. We wore the stuff you wear to summer camp... the stuff you wear when going on holiday with grandma and the family... bumped up with bling and high heels.

It was a good mind exercise to say the least. Being out with friends that were charmed by our fashion expression was good. Security at the pub just wanted to make sure to check out ids and we stood in line with our friends and fellow humans waiting to enter the pub. Though I would've preferred home and a boardgame, the novelty of styling it in comfort amused me.

Everyone that talked to us at the bar didn't realize we were wearing pjs. We toasted, we laughed, we talked, we danced.... and after a few drinks, another social call was on the schedule. I didn't get home until after 5:30am...

And it was nice to literally be ready for bed.

We ought to have pajama nights... Casual Friday at the office is blase... Pajama night out in the town might be interesting... maybe everyone would be less uptight.... For certain everyone will be much warmer.

Maybe next time I'll wear the red ones with little cartoon samurai characters... But which shoes and earrings????

Hmmmm....

JNET

Undisappearing Myself

I didn't fall in love with anyone in particular. ... but I fell in love with a world. So much so that I haven't had time to write, to blog, to podcast.

Pretty intense.

As much as my world had expanded and I was dancing on top of it, parts of it exploded as if to test me if I had the wherewithall to keep standing and keep going. New friends, parties, studying dance brought in new adventures. Life already felt lux and then I moved up to a new thread count.

My roommate L was not happy with it.

Contempt.... is not something that I keep regularly in my emotional vocabulary. But it was what I became alarmingly present to everytime I crossed paths L. Her two month stay stretched to the six month point... where I recommended that she start looking to move out... L wore down her welcome mat to the bare threads by playing musical jobs and imposing her financial struggles upon me. Her personal and social life was a mystery to me. I never lived with someone so abrasive who consistently jabbed with butter knife precision and yet spread the jam on thick when needed.

After several months of story from her and subsidizing her shortcomings, I struggled with the issue of "throwing a girl out onto the street".... I was busy too and didn't have time to think about her while happily engaged in teaching and studying dance. My efforts at inviting her to my social circles had failed and so I brought my friends home where she openly disregarded them and insulted my guests. I saw a bit of madness that actually made me wary. My friends became concerned over my safety with this girl....

a writer who relished in her writings... stories of tormenting the family pet... among other disturbing things. Hard to know these things on the get go. L was a pretty Korean girl that looked normal but stored social grace in the bin.... She used social grace like medicine; to fix things.

Not wanting to be placated by another story from her, I invited my closest friends to witness and manage a confrontation with her. L had not paid rent and it was a week past. She was busy entertaining her out of town guest and both retreated to her room with barely a polite hello for me.

They packed in the middle of the night with no intention to ever pay rent and stole the mail key from my key chain (among other things)...

Yes... it was drama... a bump on the road of life but after a fresh coat of paint, I had several friends ready with prospective new roommates to fill the space. I chose one and gained new friends with the rest.

That was February...

My new roommate B is visiting from London. He wins everyone's heart upon meeting and has been incredibly easy to live with. Home life is a sanctuary and a party once again and so I am now "undisappearing" myself.

It really wasn't the roommate drama that kept me from writing anyway. It was my passion for dance and music actually. I had begun studying salsa to fill my tango void and I made new friends that became like family to me. A salsera friend also is a flutist and now we enjoy practicing chamber music.

So my world is full of music and dance and I'm loving it. In between measures, there are meals and drinks with friends... and over meals, scripts are practiced out loud, dance techniques are discussed or Mozart is analyzed.

A not a single tinge of contempt is in my world... there is no room for it.

I missed writing, blogging and podcasting.... I am undisappearing myself and saying hello again.

JNET

Auld Lang Syne

I forgot that I have a weekly podcast...

I forgot to write...

I forgot about the mathematician...

NO WAY... I FORGOT about the mathematician????

It's nice to remember... and in that space to find that I never had left.

I spent over a week away from my piano but I didn't beat myself silly for returning to my practice feeling stiff. I've barely played due to scratching up my knuckles. It's another story with my podcast. I've taken 3 weeks off. The first week was due to illness, the second was due to travelling and last week was purely due to mismanaging my time. The frustrated part of me wants to say FORGET IT whereas the other parts of me says SO WHAT... RETURN.

I forgot that I enjoy writing and podcasting, I've been busy enjoying other things. As for the mathematician...

:)

What is remembering and making resolutions really about? I considered this question in ushering the new year.

Remembering? We sing Auld Lang Syne at every new year's celebration. But why celebrate remembering days gone by? Nostalgia? Bringing old friends to mind for that little mental thank you as we go into the unknown and hopeful future? To cheer ourselves up in recalling good memories?

Not intending to begin a new year with a euphemistically expressed WHAM BAM, thanks for the memories, NSA attitude, I allowed Auld Lang Syne to show me the threads laid down on the growing tapestry and I was shown a bit of perspective in "remembering" those things that I am still becoming acquainted with.

I am not a rock star podcaster. I'm learning. It's not second nature to kick out a show from my head YET. I'm learning many other things and in the process of learning to juggle my interests, I drop balls. Dropping things is NOT fun and its unrealistic to live a mistake-free life. I meet up with spats of feeling discouraged. I sometimes feel lazy about picking things up again. And the positives of the experience begin to fade from the forefront of life and get stored away like old pictures.

But life isn't a THING to store away... it's this organic adventure that builds skill upon skill... an adventure that never stops teaching and is humbling and exciting at the same time. And because LIFE simply IS all that... juggling one's self in a cathedral while fireworks sparkle around makes for an engaging eternal NOW of forgetting and remembering and creating resolve.

Maybe a good New Year's resolution is to be a person of resolutions?

RESOLUTION: the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

Music.
a. the progression of a voice part or of the harmony as a whole from a dissonance to a consonance.

b. the tone or chord to which a dissonance is resolved.
From dissonance to consonance....

I love thinking of life like music.

Here's to Auld Lang Syne... to forgetting and remembering... to creating resolutions from dissonance to consonance.

I will podcast and write and live and love... sometimes not at the same time... but in a way... I AM always about all these things... preparing a cadence.

Here's to toasting to a beautiful, new year :)

JNET