A Sad Ending

Hell has broken loose. I finally heard from A today. She is VERY upset that I wrote about our Jamaican holiday... I don't understand why she is so surprised since I journal my life on a daily basis. We arrived two weeks ago. A lot of life has happened since then.

*********************************

A: thanks for letting me know how you really feel.

JNET: yeah likewise

A: likewise?

JNET: through the course of the week you told me what you thought of me and i didn't feel good about myself...

A: you should have of told me - instead playing games

(I did. It was followed by an apology and "don't take things too personally" talk. I also got a "no one thinks like you" talk and "you are naive" talk explaining why I'm an easy target to be taken advantage of. My feelings missed the recognition boat and it came down to everything was in my court. I didn't want to spend my week collecting apologies and took the time as a "reality check" to reflect upon my friendship.)

JNET: why would you say things unless you meant it?... i REALLY wanted you happy... but it felt at the expense of me shutting up...

A: that sucks that you see what you want to see- apparrently. i learned things too, but if i consider you a friend i dont go around bashing -if something bothers me i would tell you.....thats too bad....you should have said something

(Saying something and being told that I'm too naive and sensitive in order to permit unkind words... If I have other friends that manage to not step on me, why would I desperately hold onto a person that doesn't inspire me?}

JNET: i was running around fixing things...

A: ooh....you were running around fixing things all 7 days?

JNET: i had to talk to all the managers the first couple of days and you didn't think that this was my vacation too.... i told you that my vacation was sucking big time too

A: yea sure made it sound like it was all my fault the hotel was horrible

(If I recall, I thought the hotel was horrible but I didn't say it was "all her fault." I only have offense at how she took on the crisis of the moment and became reactional toward me.)

JNET: the inconveniences would've have been easier to swallow if i didn't have someone who was my closest friend blaming me

A: perhaps....what you dont see is that....you were giving off some vibe to me as well....maybe you dont notice-

(I don't think she noticed that I didn't have one decent nights sleep because I was so uncomfortable and stressed out. WAIT, I had ONE night of sleep.... she gave me a sleeping pill for that night.)

JNET: i can take life stress... but you saying hurtful things was over the edge for me... i did a lot to not cry in front when you said stuff to put me down

A: you should talk about things that bother if you consider anyone a good friend

(There comes a tipping point where you can't be bothered to talk because you just have to accept that it's not going to improve things. I didn't see any use in demanding her to be nice to me.)

JNET: i did... and I had to realize that you didn't care when you'd say something new....and it just added up to that you didn't really like me

A: i had to find out even more by reading a blog that was posted for all to see...without tellign me how you really felt

(It's been TWO WEEKS since I've returned and written... Why does she care now how I am and what I wrote?)

JNET: i did and you ignored me... i figured you don't like me and that's the bottom line

A: what? ....dont lie to me....you didnt ...im sorry

(Friends that call me a liar have a way of putting me off.)

JNET: i told you when the hair conditioner was lost that it was nonsense

A: i communicated everything to you on the balcony that night... i apologized- i even told you that i knew it was stupid and that i got frusterated.

JNET: you threw more stuff at me here and there over the week that made me realize that you didn't like me

A: whatever.... you dont get it.....you only want to see what you want to see...

(She was really mad at me... Usually when a friendship is in trouble, there is sadness. I don't think A. was sad that we have come to a crossroads.)

JNET: you wished bad things to happen to me... do you do that whenever you get upset at anyone else? you would never wish that on someone you actually cared about. i would never say that to you... i would never even wish it

A: sorry you took it so personally.

JNET: people say what they REALLY mean inside of them when they have an excuse to do so.

A: you need to realize and understand that no one else is like you...i am sarcastic.... im not going to apologize for my sarcasm that you dont take or get

(I don't demand apologies.)

JNET: it wasn't sarcastic... it was hateful... and you were not joking at the moment... you were VERY upset at ME.... it was NOT a joking moment AT ALL

(I guess I missed the point of her humor.)

A: i could go off on things about how you are, but i dont

JNET: you did go off.... you spouted many things... i GOT it. i don't want to MAKE you like me

A: if i didnt like you- i wouldnt hang out with you... cause obviously i was drunk if i don t rememebr, and i was never drunk

JNET: it was maybe too much sarcasm for me to take 24/7

(I suppose I owe her an apology for being too stupid to miss the punchline.)

A: right... you need a reality check... i can jab right back at ya with many things as well...but im not like that...

****************************************

So this was the final exchange.

Is it cold of me to think that I'm not sad about it at all? I have many friends and I only have ONE that gives me talks that I need a reality check. I have many friends that I feel safe to say anything and everything and the conversation is always respectful despite differences. And I only had ONE that was frustrated by the difference of me. I have friends where conflict conversations have come up and in our discussion found how to be more mindful and sensitive toward growing in friendship.

I only have ONE friend telling me that I need a reality check. I only have one friend that questions my motives, my credibility and scoffs at them.

It was a difficult decision to come to after years of knowing someone. But those years to my shock did not add up.

Sometimes, we have to distance ourselves and accept that some things are not well matched.

Why foster friendships where acceptance is polite and yet have an arsenal of thoughts that you would share... but are "too good" to go there with?

I had no idea that a friend had disparaging thoughts toward me, my dreams, and my work.

If your heart of hearts in growing to be the best person and friend you can possibly be, would you have a score of ill thought to those near and dear to you?

If you cared, would you use your worthy criticisms to poke a friend's emotions especially if you knew they were having a difficult time?

How many behaviors will we allow ourselves to impose on others and demand that things not be taken personally? The world is a mess of confusion ... Do you think it's because EVERYONE IS TAKING EVERYTHING TOO PERSONALLY? Or people are NOT TAKING RESPONSIBLITY?

It's hard to reconcile with "WHATEVER" and "DON"T TAKE THINGS TOO PERSONALLY" without feeling like an idiot in the end of the day.

I'm taking responsibility for my own personal happiness and that means sometimes taking myself out of relationships that don't work. Life is too short to be flexible and yet be misunderstood in folly.

I've moved on. A is free. I am free. I have no energy for a battle of egos.

JNET