Locked Darkness

by S.H.M.I.L.Y.

I wish I could say that I didn't know violence.

But I do.

I wish I could say that I didn't know what it felt like to be dead and soul=less.

But I know what it is to rebuild from that black forboding darkness.

I wish I could say that I didn't have any dark secrets and that my life has been idyllic from the very beginning.

But that is not so.

S uncovered a blind spot unwittingly in a passing comment about me. I was profoundly moved by it and have since fluctuated between indifference and shock these past couple of days. His words came about so gently, so honestly, so softly, and pointedly.

I found private moments in which I had to weep.

He gave me a key to the past and when I opened the box, I found lost scores. And when I laid my eyes upon them, I couldn't stop the music from playing in my head.

I realized the secret song had been playing all along and I was a puppet dancing unaware of the strings about me; unaware.

How do I break free from the puppet master? Will I ever be free?

I thought I was free.

My Gray Day

I have been in a malaise of some sorts now for over a month.

I realized my limits today in feeling tapped out. I've been riding the waves with annoyances piled upon annoyance. And today, I felt like a good cry would set me straight if only I could figure out where my heart was under the weight and piles of excess. I hate this feeling and want to shake it off but I feel too sad and tired right now that I all can do is be quiet and smile, get on with the day as best as I can and find my answers as I go into my head.

I am happy that today is a gray day and that I woke up with the wind rushing through my house. I want it to rain. If I can't find my tears than maybe nature can cry for me.

Anyway.

I have a headache and several loose ends dangling about and wish it would all disappear. It's like hearing a repeating cadence without getting a resolution, pounding...

Life is hard. Life does not care. Life is hard. Life does not care.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am not these stupid situations and that it is I that definies myself but I'm tired today and generating myself is my challenge of the day.

Los Angeles: I'm living in the belly of the beast. I swore the place off growing up. When I went off to college, I had no plans of ever returning to California. But I'm here due to the same strange social interactions that plays in this big city. How ironic. The week feels more painful because I know this scene... the script had played out before me in Boston... And like a storm, swept me across the country into Los Angeles...

Being swept off my feet was the fun part, the dark side underneath it was not. I was wooed by Pretense.

The pervasive voice of Welcome to the Real World haunts me even though I kicked that serpent out of my paradise. Deceit is a "well meaning" smooth voice that speaks with a stance of being forthright but is dry as sawdust. Unfortunately, after hearing its voice once, it becomes a scar in the mind.

Drink of cup and you are thirsty. Share a meal and you are hungry. Join in the party and you are lonely. It's Uncle Screwtapes' territory. Read the Screwtape Letters if you don't understand my reference by C.S. Lewis. Everyone has an Uncle Screwtape speaking into the arid opportunities that one should be aware of. The contrast is so blatant to bliss that it flattens me.

Such are the victories that Uncle Screwtape strives for..

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get up....

JNET

Clearing a Path

by Sara May.

I spent the day clearing my mind and my space. Life was getting noisy, weighing heavily on my thoughts and so it made sense to unattach from loose ends and ragged edges. I put away the dusty curios that were taking up "shelf space" and let go of that which I couldn't fit into anymore.

IN OTHER WORDS...

I've been clearing things up with friends, reconnecting and with some.... disconnecting. It's interesting how everything becomes clearer when all things are put aside...

"It is with the heart that one sees rightly:
what is essential is invisible to the eye."

Antoine de Saint - Exupery

WARNING 2: CURVES AHEAD !!!!!

by JENA_78.

A. knocked on my door at 11pm to invite me for drinks across the hallway. She was gathering friends together to walk down to Clear and watch J spin the tunes at the local watering hole for "beautiful people." She is one of the few people that can pull me away from my piano and laptop.

"Sure."

I like her friends. They are stunt people; spending their lives jumping through windows, freefalling from edges of buildings, are nice, and are a "tribe that protects their village." The last time I went out with them, an "outsider" guy was not making himself pleasant company with the girls in our group, A's friends got hold of the situation and next thing I knew, the guy was invited outside the bar by the bar managers.

A's friends helped me with my escape last night as well. Several wolves on the hunt spotted me and in order to avoid the final kill I decided to walk home before they noticed my disappearance. There were wolves waiting outside too. One guy turned his car around and followed me halfway up the block before my words sank into his head that his game was not working.

Aside from the wolves, I had a great time with friends dancing, drinking and taking crazy pictures of our little outrageous tribe.

You can't reason with drunks nor wolves. I tend to not go to bars or clubs at all because people go there to put reason away on the shelf and lose their minds and inhibitions. Since I hardly drink, its a foreign world to me and I feel like a tourist in the jungle.

Looking at someone can be misunderstood as an invitation. I had interesting conversations last night....

"You like her fuzzy boots. They sell them on Melrose. I'll take you there and buy a pair for you. What's your phone number?"

"Ooohhh, I'd like to take a bubble bath with you." (this was the funniest and most random quote)

It's tricky wiggling out of being cornered sometimes but the tribe was looking out for me and knew how to smoothly include themselves in the conversations and walk them away from me so that I can find my way to my group again.

Bars are funny places.

They are great places to relax and get a bit silly with friends. But then there are others who are there with different agendas. And there are some very unhappy people hanging out too. It's a world away from the places I tend to hang out at. The energy is high but it doesn't seem to touch me in a way that inspires me to return frequently. I'd rather hang with my friends in other places.

A peculiar energy at bars unsettles me; a comedic flambouyancy that weighs on me like a sad cloak. Maybe part of the fun IS the pretense and I just don't get it. I always have a great time with friends but witnessing things on the periphery is like driving through a third world country and experiencing poverty of a different sort. It's like trying to have fun but seeing that there's a lot of homeless people on the sidelines. Part of the bar scene is to learn how to ignore that as a fact of life....

Maybe I'm naive and this is how the world rotates and I'm too sensitive... Maybe people actually say yes to the fuzzy boots, the bubble bath and live happily ever after and maybe there are girls who will look at a guy and his car and say "sure, I'll spend the night with you."

I think in some ways we all do say yes's to promises of some sort and offer promises that sound great until reality sets in.... Hope can be beautiful or it can be a cheap harlot... It just request a chance. A chance at shining as truth aside from the randomness.

But I don't know if that's the conversation that bar-attenders have in mind.... at the bar or outside.....

Living in Wonderland

by grafix chik.

This is how I feel about Life a lot of the time.

My friends may give me endearments that make me feel put on pedestals and though I may have thrown myself out of a plane and would do it again seeming courageous....

I am afraid of heights and terrified of going to new places sometimes.

Though I make friends easily, love how beautiful the world of people is diverse and wild like a garden...

I feel incredibly claustrophobic at many times and have a strange wish that I had powers to render myself invisible.

Though I may lead a spontaneous life, finding adventures at strange turns, and wander into new worlds alone..

I prefer the serenity and saneness of quiet days with good friends where little needs to be said and nothing is amiss in standing still.

Though I am told that I am beautiful, held in high regard, seen as graceful and feminine...

I feel awkward, goofy, and geeky... and I have to control myself from laughing out of discomfort when I am given compliments.

Though I enjoy my freedoms, the streams of my thoughts and ideas without interruption...

I wonder what it would be like to fall passionately in love and lose myself in my affections with someone.

Though I am independent, respected and seen as a model of strength and singularity...

I really feel quite vulnerable and fragile. I don't know if I am made of diamonds or glass. And I spend some quiet days questioning my contentment.

I wonder many times...

In my private wonderland.

In The Spotlight

by Krishna Rama.

This has been "bash the mathematician" week... and in a way, it felt like bash JNET week too.

My epistolary affections with the mathematician is cornering my attention and my other prospective suitors watch my solitude with impatience. I sit with my piano with occasional little interludes away; here and there.

My crush is more eccentric than I with a dazzling quiet intellect. I'm hypnotized. I wish the spell could be broken. Wandering in my freedoms, I find myself back to where I began. I understand his moodiness, his silence, his peace, his arrogance, his vision and his kindness. For some reason, I accept it and can be happy.

As for the mathematician bashers... I don't understand their moodiness, their angers, their ambivalence as they ride their emotions hinged on my making a secure position for them.

I could choose those emotions towards my mathematician too. And then I remember a conversation we had one day on the couch philosophizing over what is security...

It doesn't come from the other person.

And we talked about how relating was a lot more deep and subtle than the blaring way that people like to announce their sense of belonging to another... or possession of one another.

I was present to honesty, generousity, affection and love that day. We knew we had a lot of growing up to do on our own.

It was a phrase that occassionally came up between sighs...

"I need to grow up."

Just certain parts of us... and then we played and laughed like the day would never end. And then off to our respective lives we went... to grow up... to complete that doctorate degree... to experience independence and freedom.. to deal with our own private fears and issues...

I have no promises to speak of and I pursue my life with the mathematician in mind and without the mathematician in mind. He stands on his own integrity.

And though he is not in the spotlight in any obvious way, presenting me with gifts and humoring every social call that I attend, he intimidates and frustrates my other suitors who have more opportunity to shine their presence before me.

My singularity and solitude seduces the attention of onlookers. I am alone, one face among millions and yet I feel as if I am in the spotlight. If I am on stage, then my contesting suitors look upon me as a audience member, sitting in the darkness while I am studied under glaring lights.

If they are not sitting in passive admiration, then they sit at attention at the edge of their seats, poised to make a sound when the imaginary conductor finally moves the baton...

It's a strange way to pursue a duet.

And so the stage is being set by attempting to destroy the character of an unseen lover when every opportunity is given to them to shine and stand on their words, build trust, demonstrate their integrity and that they are capable of friendship and the vast beyondness into Love.

It's funny how quiet corners sometimes get so much attention.

This American's Trip: Tearing UP Life

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Away from that which he fears... my friend ran.

He travelled to the edge of the world and found the door to God and turned away. He knew there existed something on the other side which he couldn't drop from his mind and confirmation came. Hearing the voice that he wanted so much to hear, he found that he wasn't ready for the message. So he turned away and returned to the world as it is.

There are some doors that are meant to be opened and others another time.

I told my friend that I will travel to the edge of the world and see what there is for me to find. How can I not? I've had the world ripped in half before my eyes profoundly in more than one instance. But I blinked and lost the fleeting moment.

Will I cross that imaginary line called FEAR and trust to find answers on the other side?

At this point, I don't care about the answers. I wonder... rather... if I am willing to show up to the question.

The Tree of Life, originally uploaded by Norby.

Lessons My Piano Taught Me

by **Anna.

When I was little I joked that I was going to marry my piano when I grow up...

Now that I'm a grown up, let me tell you what the piano has taught me about love.

I am free to express myself... to love is to breathe life and passion to what I am saying and playing..

It's a choice to play.

Grow sensitive to the subtleties within the pieces I play. Love the details I discover.

I don't need an audience to be in love.

Discipline and practice is interesting and life changing. I learn how to make a stand for myself and not get swept away by circumstances.

Quality of life improves by putting value to time. It's not about quantity but rather quality.

Be present with the moment. Enjoy the NOW for what it is. Time keeps moving and a new measure is always at hand.

Mistakes are not more important than the intention of creating something worthy.


I find that I will always return to what I love because my voice makes sense through them. I feel free, alive and real.

JNET

WARNING: CURVES AHEAD!!!!!

by JENA_78.

Words that enlighten the soul are more precious than jewels.

~ Hazrat Inayat Khan

I live in a town where talk can be cheap. It's only because they're throwing pennies.

Are you living on pennies? Are you doling out only pennies?

Conversation within my certain circles may be labeled rigorous and intense though exciting.

Increase the radius and there are less demands on those who choose hanging out in the periphery. It's a good place being an acquaintance. Some people just want to be that low profile friend that talks about the weather, current news and then go home after enough drinks have been consumed.

Some people choose to pass through people's lives and then disappear. It's nice to be a tourist too.

Others defy being a fleeting friend. A cocktail, a couple of conversations and a choice sets them apart. And so they speak to you in such a way to speak to the core of your soul. And they speak to you in such a way to say that they've been listening and not just admiring you for the way you look in that little velvet dress. And they also get that you've been listening and talking to them for a long while and that it's just time to up the anty and say what's at stake: LIFE -- we're in it TOGETHER... COOL!!!

It's a subtle evolution in relating that becomes obvious to those who find that unmarked corridor that leads to the open courtyard. It is in that courtyard where I enjoy that I have friends that bejewel my mind. It is in that space that I know what it is to be lavished with love.... in a space of friendship and respect... It is where I really feel beauty... and attraction is a whole different game.

Can Life be any more beautiful and sexier than what you are experiencing? Maybe? Mindblowingly so....

"You're hot. "You're such a babe. You're sexy."

Yes... and God has given me a brain that won't pretend that I don't know what you're driving at.... You're sweet, you're cute.... you're not going to play me like that ... are you??? You can be at least a LITTLE bit interesting and intriguing... can you???

Pennies to be thrown to the next pretty face in the town of beautiful starving people. Repeat until desired results come about. I know Life can be a numbers game; a gamble... but why sit at the slots when you can think a little bit more and play black jack?

I want words that speak to the core of me and not at the surface of me.

I'm not a slot machine to gamble time away with. I'm a thinking, feeling soul that happened to be genetically set up in favorable cute packaging.

I do adore sparkly, gorgeous finery. Yes...its a personal feminine joy of mine...

But I love things more valuable and precious than jewels.....

Please pardon my rant... just tired... I suppose...

JNET

This American's Trip: Taking Off the Lens Cap

by Thomas Hawk.

"Confident" was the common word that resonated from my friends when I pointed the camera to them. I was flattered and touched by their sentiments.

Me, confident? Maybe a little bit more than that shy person sitting in another corner of Los Angeles. i'm the writer that wrote in secret for quite a while before sharing my work. I'm great at friendship and awkward at dating. And I'm the pianist that only performs for friends and family... I live like a turtle that enjoys dinner parties.

I'm not as confident as I'd like and I'm looking into different mediums to break out of my self. Dancing with KNL helps but at the end, I'm still hiding behind gorgeous costumes and make-up. Writing and journaling my thoughts here has been great but I'm still hiding and I feel a sense that I am not expressing myself to full capacity.

Can I be braver yet? Can I be more honest yet?

I've found a door to which I stare at in silence. But not for very long... and I wonder where this medium will take me.

An American's Trip: The World as a Fair

by pinhole.

I had an interesting day this ... 06.06.06 day.

A colleague sent a "humorous" anti-Christian spam newsletter to me. It was a "Christian parent alert" for those that may have their baby on this day.

I wasn't amused.

"This is not what Christians believe. This newsletter is not a very funny joke. There is no "Red Sea Resort" and the whole premise of this spam is to poke fun at Christians."

I was a lucky receipient of "humorous" emails to celebrate 06.06.06.

"It's funny. And anyways, there are Christians like this..."

GOODNESS!! There are also serial murderers that are atheists. Why do we have to go extreme with the Christian image and lean on the radical NEGATIVE. I've never shared communion with someone like these crazed "Christians" that the popular media loves to pull out of the nether regions of America. Lest to say, I was hurt and wanted my colleague to know that the video was an awful representation of my brothers and sisters of faith.

"Well, as a Christian, I just wanted to let you know that I don't think this way nor any Christian I know. I don't go to church with anyone that is like this. This makes Christians look like ridiculous, insane and crass thinkers. It's bad enough there are people out there who believe "whatever" about Christians without considering personal experience. Personally, meaning their own... not some story that they heard from a friend"

Was I to consider staying quiet about my seeing a destructiveness in this "funny email?" I saw an indifference and irreverence for people in this email. I couldn't be apathetic.

I felt compromised. There I sat in the middle with my faith and I was being requested to keep quiet and be a loving and accepting Christian as I am supposed to be unconditional and yet be told that Christians were hypocrites for allowing injustice to exist and that they had no spine for making stands to save the world and were therefore responsible for what was wrong with the world.

I felt these expectations were destructive and unreasonable.

Christians are not cookie cut units of humanity. We are not uniform. We are as dynamic and unique as a family of people. We agree on points and disagree on some. We are humans using a system to make sense of our humanity and learning in the process of making good choices and bad choices, being confused, getting lost and finding one's way is LIFE. Some are fast learners and some are not so fast.

Somehow, if you are a member of faith or worst... a leader... you are expected to be a super-human by non-believers.

I felt tied to a standard of expectations for which I can easily be persecuted by a non-believer by any infraction from the "perfection" created by that person; their world of "shoulds." Even within my church community, I don't get should'ed upon for making my personal choices. It's a place where I have a voice and am encouraged to share my point of view to enrich the community with my perspective.

Perhaps it is safer to not make a stand for goodness? Is that better for society? Just to be on the safe side..... YOU KNOW!

Imagine a world without Martin Luther King, Jrs and Mother Theresas, Dalai Lamas and Gandhis...

The world to me is like this picture of people on a carnival ride. Everyone is having their own personal experience. I like that there are different religions and different denominations within those faiths. I like the diversity and the different flavors. What about the perspective that the diversity is beautiful and mysterious? Just when you thought the atom was uncuttable, you discover there are neutrons, electrons, which split into quarks and charms, which split into neutrinos, expressing new dimensions to think from...

Can it be that the complexity of expressions of faith follows that natural order of opportunities of multidimensional thinking??? Can spiritual expression and exploration be a carnival of experience that is available to us as choices?