I have been in a malaise of some sorts now for over a month.
I realized my limits today in feeling tapped out. I've been riding the waves with annoyances piled upon annoyance. And today, I felt like a good cry would set me straight if only I could figure out where my heart was under the weight and piles of excess. I hate this feeling and want to shake it off but I feel too sad and tired right now that I all can do is be quiet and smile, get on with the day as best as I can and find my answers as I go into my head.
I am happy that today is a gray day and that I woke up with the wind rushing through my house. I want it to rain. If I can't find my tears than maybe nature can cry for me.
Anyway.
I have a headache and several loose ends dangling about and wish it would all disappear. It's like hearing a repeating cadence without getting a resolution, pounding...
Life is hard. Life does not care. Life is hard. Life does not care.
I have to keep reminding myself that I am not these stupid situations and that it is I that definies myself but I'm tired today and generating myself is my challenge of the day.
Los Angeles: I'm living in the belly of the beast. I swore the place off growing up. When I went off to college, I had no plans of ever returning to California. But I'm here due to the same strange social interactions that plays in this big city. How ironic. The week feels more painful because I know this scene... the script had played out before me in Boston... And like a storm, swept me across the country into Los Angeles...
Being swept off my feet was the fun part, the dark side underneath it was not. I was wooed by Pretense.
The pervasive voice of Welcome to the Real World haunts me even though I kicked that serpent out of my paradise. Deceit is a "well meaning" smooth voice that speaks with a stance of being forthright but is dry as sawdust. Unfortunately, after hearing its voice once, it becomes a scar in the mind.
Drink of cup and you are thirsty. Share a meal and you are hungry. Join in the party and you are lonely. It's Uncle Screwtapes' territory. Read the Screwtape Letters if you don't understand my reference by C.S. Lewis. Everyone has an Uncle Screwtape speaking into the arid opportunities that one should be aware of. The contrast is so blatant to bliss that it flattens me.
Such are the victories that Uncle Screwtape strives for..
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get up....
JNET
Princess J,
ReplyDeleteWe all have those gray days ... some of us months. I've talked to two other sister friends who are battling the blues. It seems to be a mini-epidemic in my social circle ;-) Just know that you are loved. You are powerful. You are a beacon of light for so many people. Keep your head up, my royal sister! This too shall pass.