Happy Halloween 2006

If anyone asked me what I was today for Halloween, I would've told them a STOP sign. I wore a red sweater and dressed very cozy. I have been feeling under the weather and really wished I could stay home and read a book in bed all week.

I decided to disappear the best I could the past week and sit in silence every private moment I could find. And I literally sat with silence, passing all phone calls to voice mail, no piano... instead, I painted. A few walls in my house were screaming tired and ugly (maybe I was projecting myself) and so I went out and bought some "Celadon" for the base and "Athenian Green" to sponge on top of that.

I feel much better.

Tomorrow is a new month and I feel good starting it with a new look as I embark on my second month of "no more roommates." Coming home after my day is my new thrill.

Now if I can only shake my sniffle and the little chill that has me...

I have a dance performance this coming Saturday. One of my best friends from college is getting married and has booked my dance company to perform. I will be presenting a special dance for the nuptials... After Saturday, I'm looking forward to a bit more calm and time to be quiet.

I need to put naps back into my regime... Having a crazy schedule is so much easier to handle when a quiet time break can be figured in. My thinking has been a bit on the wobbly side. ick

JNET

Growing JNETSWORLD - 2 Years Old :)

JNETSWORLD officially turned 2 years old last week:)

What started out from a whim after googling for the definition of BLOG has grown into a journey of heart and soul, writing down thoughts of a solitary soul and finding kin-spirits along the way.

I wrote in secret for a year before telling anyone. And then I put the blog feed through my Friendster, later Tribe... Sometimes I copy a blog entry onto Myspace. And now JNETSWORLD has expanded onto Stumbleupon.

I guess I'm getting UNSHY :)

And I've gained so many friends and have been encouraged by their comments. I wanted to just share a few of my favorite reviews from my stumble community:)

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From APRILMUSE:

Jnetsworld is indeed a special place. I love my visits here because I so enjoy reading this woman's honest and intelligent commentary.

From GRYWLFMGRNS:

Jnet's blog is a wonderful reflection of the beauty within...great blog!

From SYNCOPATE:

I feel uncomfortable reading Jnet's pages sometimes. I feel like a voyeur. She tells us of her experiences with life in an intimate manner. She sheds layers of consciousness as one might shed one's clothes. Her desire: to transcend while staying well grounded(?) I could be wrong about that, though. I don't know. She invites you into her world literally (with a direct invitation) and metaphorically (through her photos, drawings, and prose). We learn that she plays Chopin. I wonder if she plays Liszt's "transcendental" etudes... If you are willing to challenge your "self," visit her page.

From GABRIEL2178:

Another fantastic example of a stumbler with a point of view who knows how to get it across. Fantastic photos and a real insight into a fantastic mind. A must for people looking for real people on the internet and in this stumble world.

From FRENCHTWIST:

Sweet and tangy glimpses into a lovely and intelligent mind.

From DORIANROLF:

Wonderful to find someone so willing to share their insight and originality. Truly intriguing and beautiful pages. Thank you, jnet.

From NAN:

What a delight it was to stop by the pages of jnetsworld!
She has shared some truly wonderful images, some truly marvelous quotes and poems, and to top that all off, she shares with us her thoughts, her rants, and her life. Truly this is a person who when you meet, you just know, would be a friend for life, and an enjoyable one at that.

From NEEON:

crystalline commentary. like breathing mountain aire.

From POWDERMILKMAN:

This blog swims, screams, dances and prods. Sometimes all at the same time. Fun, interesting, lovely and provocative stuff herein. Links to great art sites, NPPA.org and Powdermilkman's colleague David Putney.
I raise my glass of powdermilk in a toast... Cheers!

From YOLA:

I'm thrilled to be a mutual friend of one so brilliantly expressive. As JNET discovers whats important and blogs about it, a glorious fusion of purity, tranquility and integrity shines forth from her most worthy page: the importance of shunning all shallowness in relationships, the things of beauty that cause her to experience bliss, the indispensable time for solitude, in her existence. This stumbler's site is a journal. A "Note To Self", that she's so graciously shares. Call it "Wisdom Nuggets To Go", if you will. It's JNET's World. We are welcomed to it.

From EONWARD:

here is a fully engaged person doing everything she can to live life deeply, fully, truly, and on the cutting edge- of awareness. although she is sensitive she refuses to give in to despair, and seeks her own connection to god in a culture that often seems to offer only the alternatives of religious fundamentalism, secular nihilism, or watered-down new age cliches. she, wisely, is finding and tending to her personal boundaries while exploring and expanding, and is able to notice when she goes far enough off course-side trips are an inevitability, and often beneficial- and navigate back to where she needs to be. i also personally appreciate the fact that she allows music to be a touchstone, and especially appreciate her connection to the kind of music i love. i salute her and would add that, while the type of journey she is taking is often painful, my personal belief is that it is the most rewarding of all journeys, and thank her for sharing some her own personal journey on su.

From BLEEM-FILK:

...lissen, if California ever slides into the Pacific, along with Schwarzenneger... ...as long as this gurl survives, I won't care!!! ...cuz, she's the coolest product there outside of sun-kissed raisins and wine (check it!)

From HROTHGARRR:

I /wish/ she was the girl next door!

From ACECOOL:

This is one interesting and passionate woman

From 9LIVES3DOWN:

What a beautiful person is projected in these pages. Her thoughts combined with the images are the recipe for calm. Her respect for others is humbling.

From SOOPERGRAPE:

Looks, personality, and string theory too! What's not to like? I have updated information from a special agent in L.A.! He was guided by remote control here at SG Central to an intercept with JNET and has submitted the following report: "Thanks for introducing me to the first really cool person I've met since I got to LA!"

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It's still a bit of a strange thrill and I'm very happy that I write in a way that speaks to people. I write to process daily life, choosing the meaning that would help me create and manifest a future that I want. I want to write to capture the beauty of life as well as the beauty of tradegy in a way that the photographers, artists and musicians I admire capture passion within notes, brushstrokes and framed shots.

I write from that place of strength that everyone has inside of them. That little voice that IS on your side that argues with the OTHER voice and is destined by freedom to win. When I feel confused or frustrated, I go to that space and find that creating the habit of healthier and happier thinking makes for a more mindful and peaceful path.

Here's to keeping life real.... without falling into the illusions of fear.

JNET

The Pretense of Poverty

OSTENTATIOUS: characterized by or given to pretentious or conspicuous show in an attempt to impress others

I was taken back by emotional reactions of my student's bar mitzvah. Another piano teacher thought it was "wrong" to subject a child to the pressure of performing. Another person said that it was "embarassing" to spend money on an event when you can feed the hungry. Another person asked if I thought it was an obstentatious endeavor.

Buying designer jeans on credit, leasing a luxury car, collecting stuff that litters and overwhelms personal space IS pretentious. Creating a DEFICIT whether financially, emotionally or spiritually in order to impress others would be embarrarassing.

And I think the wry remarks I heard were really personal projections; sensitive statements made from places of struggle. Listening to their opinions on wealth and money, made me wonder if such a disparity to abundance was fulfilling their future struggles.

Depending on how attached one is to their misery, placing blame on others, saying how life is unfair seems to dictate a very predictable future -- words become investments into bitterness.

Why build the portfolio of your future on your most unhappy opinions?

Their words served like a cloud that dampened their experience of a young person's birthday party. The other piano teacher never met my student but had his opinion. I really wished that he was available to sub for me when I was out of town to learn that extrodinary sweet people live in parts of town that he is "too good" and "down to earth" to meet.

It is a shame if the present cannot be fully experienced because one is distracted by emotions dictated by yesterdays or supersitition... like... people with money are "corrupt" or "out of touch" or "uncaring".. These "superstitions" serve to box one in spiritual and financial boundaries.

Doesn't every soul strive for - freedom, happiness and self-expression... able to laugh, love, dream and create?

I was moved to see my student celebrate his birthday with his friends and family. There was laughter, playfulness, lots of love, creativity and generousity. I understood the little details of the event as personal expressions of family memories. There was meaning behind these little details and it wasn't coming from a place to impress anyone. A lot of it came from a mother's eye for the details of happy moments between her and her children woven into a special day..

My student told me earlier this year that sometimes you never learn about a person after a lot of time and money is spent on a party but for his birthday he wanted to share his hobbies. It was a lot of preparation and of course the expectations he created for himself demanded that he generated himself.

It all came together beautifully and I know he enjoyed the process as well as loved his special night. He understood that the journey to take him to his bar mitzvah matured him to really grasp the day and embrace growing up, owning and enjoying responsibility. At the close of the evening, the family gathered to make a family video (which I was honored to be included in) and when J graciously spoke to thank everyone to be part of his day, it was beautiful to see that he was truly PRESENT to the love he felt blessed with... and all the "fanfare" was part of the fun.

If you had a million ways to say I love you to someone - wouldn't you?

JNET

PHOTOS: J's Bar Mitzvah

by jnetsworld.

The show was a huge success! J gave a performance that will have people buzzing for weeks. And he had a wonderful time which is most important to me. He was fearless, undaunted and poised through out the night and it was beautiful for me to experience my first bar mitzvah. The chief rabbi of Israel even flew in to bless the evening and welcome J into his spiritual adulthood. I loved learning about a culture that is particularly into mysticism, celebrating thankfulness and kindness.

These are the pictures of my student J (in fedora hat) and his friend, the boy next door, along with me and the rest of his tutors.




Teaching is such a pleasure. I also had a fun time hanging out with J's other tutors. I hardly get to see my collegues that are J's guitar teachers. It was good to catch up. And J's dance tutors were a fun and silly energy to have a giggle with.

JNET

Wonder in the Space of Chaos

The black dress found me... Princess K played the fairy god mother by going through her closet and producing the perfect signature of elegance for tomorrow evening's event.

I spent most of the evening at Hangar 8 for a run through of the show. The first part of the hangar was clothed in red velvet, chandeliers above and scenic murals of Venice along the wall.

The room with the stage is even bigger... 30 foot ceilings and there were three huge vehicles hoisting a platform for the lighting crew. Despite the utter madness of machines, a production crew running around and a banquet crew setting up tables, my student had a great time on stage and gracefully handled the evening without being phased. If he is only 13, taking on playing "Clocks" with a full band, jumping onto an electric guitar to rock out a couple of tunes, play a bit of Rodrigo's guitar concerto in a classical guitar trio and then jump off stage onto the dance floor to do some hip hop with three professional dancers before his 400 guests, I can only be impressed and excited for his future. I asked him if he knew any other 12 year olds that worked so hard towards their 13th birthday and he said he knew no one and that he was so excited. He had been keeping all his practice a secret from all his friends telling them that he wants to take them to the moon for his birthday :)

He's already taken me there. In just watching him run through his show despite the challenges of chaos, noisy machines, a couple of dozen people running around with questions and instructions, I saw that life can yet be graceful and unfettered.

JNET

I Need a Fairy God Mother

My student's bar mitzvah is this Sunday. 400 guests. We have quite a show planned out for the occasion.

The rehearsals are the fun part. I'm the ONLY girl among the private tutors, two guitar tutors from USC who are absolute sweethearts and amazing musicians and three hip hop dance instructors (the Asian guy from Switzerland is my favorite) and my student wants to play matchmaker. I told him it is so difficult to choose. They are all good looking and extremely talented.

It's our final week before the big party and so we rehearsing every single night. I didnt' know about the 400 guests part until a few days ago. I knew it was going to be a big event but I didn't give much thought beyond teaching my student his music to prepare him to play with a 9 piece band. Mentally preparing him and musically preparing him was my priority... and now I've realized that I don't own anything suitable to wear.

"Wear black." was the request of my student's mom. All my recital gowns are purples, greens.. COLORS.. And the handy basic black cocktails dresses I have are TOO BASIC. Pearls won't save me here.

The dad took me aside, his head a bit spinning from the preparations. I understood then that "think black" was a bit ambiguous. I need to think black, think smart, think conservative, "no bare arms", think posh, think think.. think.

I think I need a lie down. I'm the girl who prefers pajamas over anything. I don't have the patience to shop, most everything I wear is a gift and the pieces I've purchased have a story behind them. But I've been on a mission... I found a pretty skirt, girlish and modest but the price tag was $498!!! The little sweater top that was next to it was the same price. EEEK. I walked away before I fell in love with the outfit any further.

I had to get to rehearsal anyway. I have a random hour or so each day to figure out the dress puzzle until Sunday. I will be the only girl onstage. Except during the dessert hour... the 5 year old sister will be playing a couple of nursery songs and I will accompany her then as well.

For now, this Cinderella is NAKED but hopes to find something SOON.

JNET

This Is Your Future

As my students get the basics of reading music, I enjoy showing them what the big kids play or myself.

"This is your future." I tell them. "It's all just a dance for your fingers. I'm here to help you train yourself to know patterns so that this doesn't look like ants on a page."

And so continues the journey of mistakes, recognizing them and becoming graceful to land where we really intended. We'll fall in love with compositions and eat them up. We'll pursue things we love in theory and have to choose to get over the hunger for easy gratification and take on the journey.

Foregoing the company and distractions of easier paths of fun, engaged in playing with a symbolic system. I think it's a worthy meditation.

My music tutors taught me that conquering these ants on the paper is not about ego rather it's about putting the ego aside in order to create art. To move forward from a place of not understanding becomes an exciting starting point having created value to a future goal.

When I see my student's eyes light up in their willingness to take on their future, I am in the presence of possibility.

JNET

Public Address of an Introvert

I write on my human experience and the beauty of its design and wildness. I may love fireworks but I would choose silence at any given moment. Solitude recalibrates me so that I can re-enter the curiosity of Life and take on its blissful temperments.

I can't write life as a perpetual day at a picnic and wow over sandwiches and rides. Every day I have a million thoughts that go through my head and I choose one to write on. And like a scientist wearing a writer's hat, I type my thoughts onto this petri dish format of a blog to just look at my thoughts, decide my feelings are on them and write my conclusions.

For a feely feely person, I may come off a bit aloof... I suppose also very unsympathetic. In return, I would tell them that they are being indulgent and drunk on emotion and need to stop feeling and think for a moment.

I do feel but I feel differently and I know there are a lot of people that "feel" like me. Feeling from a hypersensitive space, aware of subtle cues, looking deeply at the subtext for truth, being adaptive and adept to relate rationally and not being reactive.

I don't have time for tearing my heart in ranting conversations with lots of tears, swearing, and drama. It's not my style. I'll walk away from people who need these types of interactions to get to daily truths. And I don't want to always get on a soapbox to extricate love and respect. Either people are committed to be loving and respectful in their relationships or they are careless and keep dropping the ball.

And that's is where my patience ends. I need automony and not spits and starts. Am I unforgiving and intolerant? My friends and family will vouch for my good will. My enemies will say otherwise and get all the more upset that I don't care for their criticisms as I remind them that they have a knack for not knowing how to win my friendship back.

I'm just a girl who likes the quiet life. Between the spaces of silence, I have a very busy life, full of interesting people and projects, giving me an abundance to write from and reflect how to grow from their influence.

Here, you'll read about conflicts and reconciliations, inner struggles and triumphs...BASIC stuff that everyone on the planet deals with. Maybe I make choices you would, maybe I come up with something novel. If you don't agree, then don't torture yourself and read some other blog or take whatever art pleases you and move on.

I'm not here to please anyone. I'm here to live my life and write down my thoughts. I like to stare at them. Try on my thoughts if they fit you. Leave them here if they don't fit you. Become my friend if it suits you. Grow our friendship if you wish.

JNET

A Sad Ending

Hell has broken loose. I finally heard from A today. She is VERY upset that I wrote about our Jamaican holiday... I don't understand why she is so surprised since I journal my life on a daily basis. We arrived two weeks ago. A lot of life has happened since then.

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A: thanks for letting me know how you really feel.

JNET: yeah likewise

A: likewise?

JNET: through the course of the week you told me what you thought of me and i didn't feel good about myself...

A: you should have of told me - instead playing games

(I did. It was followed by an apology and "don't take things too personally" talk. I also got a "no one thinks like you" talk and "you are naive" talk explaining why I'm an easy target to be taken advantage of. My feelings missed the recognition boat and it came down to everything was in my court. I didn't want to spend my week collecting apologies and took the time as a "reality check" to reflect upon my friendship.)

JNET: why would you say things unless you meant it?... i REALLY wanted you happy... but it felt at the expense of me shutting up...

A: that sucks that you see what you want to see- apparrently. i learned things too, but if i consider you a friend i dont go around bashing -if something bothers me i would tell you.....thats too bad....you should have said something

(Saying something and being told that I'm too naive and sensitive in order to permit unkind words... If I have other friends that manage to not step on me, why would I desperately hold onto a person that doesn't inspire me?}

JNET: i was running around fixing things...

A: ooh....you were running around fixing things all 7 days?

JNET: i had to talk to all the managers the first couple of days and you didn't think that this was my vacation too.... i told you that my vacation was sucking big time too

A: yea sure made it sound like it was all my fault the hotel was horrible

(If I recall, I thought the hotel was horrible but I didn't say it was "all her fault." I only have offense at how she took on the crisis of the moment and became reactional toward me.)

JNET: the inconveniences would've have been easier to swallow if i didn't have someone who was my closest friend blaming me

A: perhaps....what you dont see is that....you were giving off some vibe to me as well....maybe you dont notice-

(I don't think she noticed that I didn't have one decent nights sleep because I was so uncomfortable and stressed out. WAIT, I had ONE night of sleep.... she gave me a sleeping pill for that night.)

JNET: i can take life stress... but you saying hurtful things was over the edge for me... i did a lot to not cry in front when you said stuff to put me down

A: you should talk about things that bother if you consider anyone a good friend

(There comes a tipping point where you can't be bothered to talk because you just have to accept that it's not going to improve things. I didn't see any use in demanding her to be nice to me.)

JNET: i did... and I had to realize that you didn't care when you'd say something new....and it just added up to that you didn't really like me

A: i had to find out even more by reading a blog that was posted for all to see...without tellign me how you really felt

(It's been TWO WEEKS since I've returned and written... Why does she care now how I am and what I wrote?)

JNET: i did and you ignored me... i figured you don't like me and that's the bottom line

A: what? ....dont lie to me....you didnt ...im sorry

(Friends that call me a liar have a way of putting me off.)

JNET: i told you when the hair conditioner was lost that it was nonsense

A: i communicated everything to you on the balcony that night... i apologized- i even told you that i knew it was stupid and that i got frusterated.

JNET: you threw more stuff at me here and there over the week that made me realize that you didn't like me

A: whatever.... you dont get it.....you only want to see what you want to see...

(She was really mad at me... Usually when a friendship is in trouble, there is sadness. I don't think A. was sad that we have come to a crossroads.)

JNET: you wished bad things to happen to me... do you do that whenever you get upset at anyone else? you would never wish that on someone you actually cared about. i would never say that to you... i would never even wish it

A: sorry you took it so personally.

JNET: people say what they REALLY mean inside of them when they have an excuse to do so.

A: you need to realize and understand that no one else is like you...i am sarcastic.... im not going to apologize for my sarcasm that you dont take or get

(I don't demand apologies.)

JNET: it wasn't sarcastic... it was hateful... and you were not joking at the moment... you were VERY upset at ME.... it was NOT a joking moment AT ALL

(I guess I missed the point of her humor.)

A: i could go off on things about how you are, but i dont

JNET: you did go off.... you spouted many things... i GOT it. i don't want to MAKE you like me

A: if i didnt like you- i wouldnt hang out with you... cause obviously i was drunk if i don t rememebr, and i was never drunk

JNET: it was maybe too much sarcasm for me to take 24/7

(I suppose I owe her an apology for being too stupid to miss the punchline.)

A: right... you need a reality check... i can jab right back at ya with many things as well...but im not like that...

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So this was the final exchange.

Is it cold of me to think that I'm not sad about it at all? I have many friends and I only have ONE that gives me talks that I need a reality check. I have many friends that I feel safe to say anything and everything and the conversation is always respectful despite differences. And I only had ONE that was frustrated by the difference of me. I have friends where conflict conversations have come up and in our discussion found how to be more mindful and sensitive toward growing in friendship.

I only have ONE friend telling me that I need a reality check. I only have one friend that questions my motives, my credibility and scoffs at them.

It was a difficult decision to come to after years of knowing someone. But those years to my shock did not add up.

Sometimes, we have to distance ourselves and accept that some things are not well matched.

Why foster friendships where acceptance is polite and yet have an arsenal of thoughts that you would share... but are "too good" to go there with?

I had no idea that a friend had disparaging thoughts toward me, my dreams, and my work.

If your heart of hearts in growing to be the best person and friend you can possibly be, would you have a score of ill thought to those near and dear to you?

If you cared, would you use your worthy criticisms to poke a friend's emotions especially if you knew they were having a difficult time?

How many behaviors will we allow ourselves to impose on others and demand that things not be taken personally? The world is a mess of confusion ... Do you think it's because EVERYONE IS TAKING EVERYTHING TOO PERSONALLY? Or people are NOT TAKING RESPONSIBLITY?

It's hard to reconcile with "WHATEVER" and "DON"T TAKE THINGS TOO PERSONALLY" without feeling like an idiot in the end of the day.

I'm taking responsibility for my own personal happiness and that means sometimes taking myself out of relationships that don't work. Life is too short to be flexible and yet be misunderstood in folly.

I've moved on. A is free. I am free. I have no energy for a battle of egos.

JNET

Iron Butterfly

My topsy-turvy beginning of October has smoothed out. Thank you friends for all your love and well wishes. This butterfly never had to hit the ground despite the gusts of nonsense.

A couple of "friendships" fell by the wasteside. I suppose all relationships are hopeful endeavors. I learned I had a couple of loose cannons and they finally blew over... aimed at me.

"Don't take it personally." and "Hey, this is who I am!" are lines I would take on if it wasn't to deflect responsibility when they blow off mean steam or take liberties that undermine my sense of personal space.

The sisterhood can be so cruel sometimes :(

So I am two friends less this month...not necessarily ousted but under a new perspective are now acquaintances, drinking buddies; people to not bare my heart to. Some people don't want your hearts in friendship... they want your "companionship", your stuff, your leverage; your something but not necessarily YOU and YOUR HEART and SOUL. I was reduced to a "JNET in a BOX" friend.

It's okay to be broken hearted and need people along the healing path but I shy away from people bent on taking others down with them with a laugh, a cocktail, or a sarcastic gesture and then expect others to "DEAL WITH IT."

I took stock this past week. I chose that I love ME more than these people and that I want to protect the world I have. I have friends that are loyal, devoted, sensitive, generous, protective in my kingdom. They are also iron butterflies.

Being strong doesn't have to mean sacrificing sensitivity. Being sensitive doesn't mean living "naive" and "not rooted into reality."

JNET

"Friends... they cherish one another's hopes.
They are kind to one another's dreams."
Henry David Thoreau

Thinking From the Immortal Essence

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience."

Teilhard de Chardin

Sometimes I wonder... If I think from the perspective of the immortal essence, what shall I say about this mortal moment of time?

I think from that perspective, I have access to choose from a palette of emotion. Somehow, having that path and purposefulness of choice, I can always be passionate...even within the space of choosing boredom..

And then I find endless humor in the folly that my humanity affords me and an abundance of excitement in loving each passing meaningless second.

And not a day ever passes that I am not filled with wonder. What a lucky accident it is to be born.

JNET

I Surrender

It is said that the journey of life is what matters and not the destination... Despite being surrounded by good friends and having a great family, my journey is a lonely one.

I don't know if it's as lonely as the loneliest person's journey. I've had my share of shadows and bad days. Sometimes I wonder WHY I am alive and how I managed to last this long. But I find comfort within myself and somehow don't feel TERRIBLY lonely on my path.

And so I write my thoughts on this lonely adventure of my solitary spirit surrounded by interesting characters along the way. Some of the people in my life are beautiful and interesting; others are lovely but prickly, some delight in being disagreeable as human hurricanes of drama.

I write for my SELF, penning down the details of my shadow battles with a plan to end the final paragraph with the victory of my mind and soul. I write to search through those corners of my mind and somehow I know if I am aware of the nonsense of my own dark hallways, the whole world is brighter.

I am my most challenging opponent and I must be my own most devoted friend even if I am blessed with opportunities and love left, right and center.

I write to challenge myself to the highest thoughts I can muster and demand my own surrender.

JNET

"Love is an attempt at penetrating another being,
but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual."

Octavio Paz

Keeping Abundance in Mind

"You're poor."

"No, I'm not... My bank is just empty."

The unexpected expenses of travelling was a lot easier to take in stride than the upsets that occurred between my travelling companion and I. Yesterday, I had to cancel on teaching a family because President Bush's visit had created many roadblocks. The mother of the children was also not home because she was attending the event that the president was at.

hmmm...Travel expenses, no pay while on vacation, lesson cancellations, roommate moved out and I'm paying rent all by myself. I am somehow not depressed over the situation. I've NEVER had a HIT like this before. It's not worth the time to worry. After a dry summer, I'm finally getting calls from prospective new students. whew.

I went home and enjoyed a quiet night and literally sat with silence for the evening. It was sooo nice.

I'm musing over Mystic's suggestion of moving in. Though we are great friends, at this junction, I'd like to give living alone a go and continue growing our relationship with the freedom of being able to close the door at the end of the day to be with myself.

I create my sanity in stillness.

Just imagining the daily questions of "Where did you go?", "What will we do today?", "What shall we eat?" is noisy in my head. I have a different way of looking at relationship and it's not about companionship (I don't need someone to validate my existence) nor is it about convenience (life is easier solo) or stability (I create my own stability.) I want this time to be my own greatest companion, learning about rising above struggle and celebrating life nonetheless.

Am I poor? No, my bank account is just on the slim side this week but I feel rich. Life is interesting. People make me think and laugh. I am excited to live alone. Keeping abundance in mind I'll float this challenging time. Despair seems like a lazy choice.

JNET

Conflict - Resolution

"So, I noticed my bed was not the way I left it... Who slept in my bed while I was away?"

I was a bit perturbed but I didn't want AM to think I cast blind eyes on naughty behavior.

I asked my former roommate, AM, this morning and she told me that she had a party, used my bed (but cleaned them since they smoked and got my bed smelling like cigarettes) and used my bedroom as a party room while I was on vacation.

I asked her straight and I was glad that she didn't try to hide. She clearly has a different sense of boundaries than I. I had HIDDEN some items that they searched for their party enjoyment. I was a bit gobsmacked but not too shocked. I was just happy to get my housekey back.

She's a little too comfortable using it since she's moved out - coming in to borrow things while I am away.

A's little voice in the back of my head insists...

"You are sooo naive! You deserve to be taken advantage of if you're not going to fight."

But I am not blind here and I don't wish to create any battles. My former roommate has no sense of boundaries and living with her infringed upon my space. She will do the same to anyone. How do you tell a blob to not act like a blob? AM is life with lots of splash and mess.

NOT MY STYLE... but a different flavor that may charm someone else more.

I don't think she's malicious. I think she's oblivious that her boundaries exceed most people.

She came as a visitor to my home world. I'm glad that I didn't have to divorce her to get her out. She just had to live somewhere else.

I drove her to the airport today and had a smooth confrontational talk. She didn't hem and haw making excuses.. She came clean... even exposing more naughty details of what liberties she took of my space while I was away. WOW....

I won't make a new enemy but I'll keep her friendship at a healthy distance where I won't have to wonder about my stuff and space anymore.

As for my Jamaican nightmare vacation with my most disagreeable best friend turned monster. She was aware of her mean spirit and knows that I've been stung. She tried to make some friendly conversation the other day in letting me know excitedly that a cutie has moved in the building. One cute guy in a predominantly single girls building... HOORAY.

It was her way of giving me a peace offering, I guess :)

A's attempt at reconnecting was SOMETHING. We'll take a break from each other and I hope that she'll take stock of how out of control she can get. For now, I'll forgive her and blame the travelling mishaps for feeding our stress, her not having cigarettes to smoke for a week and her being pre-menstrual.

I want to live a peaceful life. NO, I am not NAIVE and therefore open season for abuse. I just choose my battles wisely. There is a certain line that one has to cross to leave JNETSWORLD. Sometimes I need to let my friends sit on that line...

and choose.

JNET

Sooo...How was Jamaica???

I enjoyed snorkling, sailing, kayaking... swimming up to pool bars and drinking fruity drinks. I enjoyed conversations with people from around the world.

But there was a lot of tension and stress revolving in the dynamics of myself and my friend, A. No amount of fun can blanket some of the things she said as she buckled under certain upsets.

Our hotel accomodations that she booked for us was a nightmare. Working toilets was not an option. We went through three different rooms in which two of the bathrooms did not work. I started having strong second thoughts when the housekeeping lady gave me a big wooden stick and began explaining how to secure the door whenever we left or slept.

Major alarm bells!

There were no other visible guests and no other girls walking about. A and I got stares that didn't make us comfortable. So we left for a walk to talk to see what our options were.

The surrounding area was a bit dodgey. Taxis were expensive and we were running out of cash fast. We walked to a resort. I talked to the manager and told her that we were interested in changing hotels. She made a deal with us which was more money than I felt comfortable spending but the hotel was a place we could feel safe at, it was all-inclusive; we would end up saving in food, drinks, and activities.

After three rooms at the nightmare hotel, you would think our troubles ended and we can party it up and relax.. NOOOOO....

The toilet at the 5 star resort broke on my friend AGAIN...She got so upset that she walked out on me. We were excited and happy for maybe 20 minutes! We had unpacked and thought our vacation had begun...

While A. went to drown her anger away at the bar, I went down to talk to the hotel manager AGAIN.. to resolve the issue. I moved EVERYTHING with the bellhop and set up things in the new room without A. She eventually came up with a drink for me.

A. finds that I forgot her hair conditioner in the shower of the former room. I tell her to call housekeeping and that she can use my hair conditioner. She gets in a huff and says that the vacation is a mess and that I am bad luck and that she doesn't want to ever travel with me and wishes something bad would happen to me. She locks herself in the bathroom and takes a shower (without her hair conditioner)..

I go down again. I'm shocked at my friend's anger and I don't know how to absorb it, wondering when the day will ever end. I decide that I NEED to find a piano, a quiet place and get my head together and end up bumping into the manager. I'm trying hard to not cry as I tell her that I need a piano and that my friend hates me and has lost her head. The hotel manager look into it and I go to the bar to grab a couple of drinks as a peace offering to A.

Back at the room:

A. tells me that I OWE her an apology. I give her the drink and tell her to calm down and that housekeeping is looking into it and that the room couldn't have been let out to anyone because they have to repair the bathroom. Since the air is thick with anger and frustration, I decide to take a long, long shower. When I get out, I tell A. that I'm going for a walk to find a piano. She gives me an apology and joins me. When we find the piano bar, the place is hopping and people are singing at the mic. A tells me that I OWE her a song since she's had a bad day. Since I hate being treated like a radio just because I'm a musician, I excuse myself to go somewhere else... I sit across the room instead waiting for a good time to chat with the pianist about having access to the piano.

I end up meeting the hotel's project manager who makes arrangements to accomodate my request.

I think by the third day, most the staff knew me. I don't know if they felt sorry for me or were irritated by me. But judging from the good conversations I had over the week at the resort and being treated well, I think I was on their good side.

Which is different from my travel companion and friend.

Despite apologies, pat conversation, and "don't take things too personally" talks, I'm not quite sure what to make of my "friend" who wished something bad would happen to me. I enjoyed doing things with her but learned that she is someone I don't feel comfortable keeping too close to me.

I never had to pay this much money and time to get disrespected in my leisure time. And I wrote a rent check that will bounce to the moon. Hopefully, my building manager won't cash it until Wednesday.

I wish we handled situations more gracefully together. I didn't get to relax like I hoped. Vacations are over-rated.

Sometimes a vacation is not about going away... but rather a time to meet with oneself.

I went away "to chill out with a good friend" and found that I missed my solitude.

A Shade of Jade

Perhaps A is right in saying that the world at large is heartless. Perhaps I lived a rather sheltered life growing up with a supportive and loving family and everyone outside of that is not trustworthy as a GIVEN.

Perhaps my optimism for humanity is unreasonable.

A part of me wants to say that I DON'T CARE. I will HOPE nonetheless.

But maybe A is right. The world is cruel and uncaring and she is a creature of that. That would justify everyone's strange behaviors and confirm further to me that the best way to not get scuffed is to live solo.

UGH. I hate to sound jaded!

I arrived home from vacation and found that someone had been using my room while I was away. Someone slept in my bed, lit my candles and was negligent in covering their tracks. I always put fresh sheets on my bed and tidy my room before leaving town. Oh, and my shower head was broken off and placed on my bathroom sink with no note. I found that a few things were also "borrowed." My roommate was moving out while I was away and I suppose took some liberties.

It baffles me that decompressing has to have so many challenges for me this week. I just want to retreat even more so.

On the upside, Mystic is talking about playing house. Now that I am living alone, he brought up the conversation. My thoughts are pulled in many directions right now ... from UGH, I just want to see my stuff and not share, there is no drama in living alone.... to... WHAT? You want to play house?

I'm tired and jet-lagged. The week HAS to improve....

JNET

Exploring Vulnerability

"You put yourself out there JNET... and so people take advantage. You're naive."

Someone was justifying using opportunities at someone's (MINE) expense. These "opportunities" for example are using people for jokes, advantages and put downs. Despite the explanation to color rainbows around actions that exploit people, am I the only person in the universe to see the other side of such "harmlessness?" How many SORRY's can cover unkind behaviors?

Yes. I put myself out there. Yes. I say what is on my mind and I don't mince my words though I will find kinder paths to being straight-ahead. And yes the way I am is vulnerable. But EVERYONE is VULNERABLE. So what?

I put myself out there because I like "to keep it real" and I'm not just saying that to be trendy and hip. Maybe being a writer makes words more important to me where others throw them around for entertainment. I live by words and notes and intention to create art. I may be vulnerable but I am not flippant.

FLIPPANT: frivolously disrespectful, shallow, or lacking in seriousness

Perhaps I am also naive. There are a couple of definitions:

NAIVE: having or showing a lack of experience, judgment, or information

I like one in particular...

NAIVE: having or showing unaffected simplicity of nature or absence of artificiality

I think I'll continue being myself. I will swim through the ocean of life free and unincumbered. As for those prickly ones that take joy in poking fun, seeing what advantages they can take all in the spirit of "good fun", I think I'll leave those spineless sea urchins where I find them, smile and swim on.

They are way too delicate to carry with me.

JNET