Bowling The Premeditated Ball

I had a bit of social time last evening and made loads of new friends as well as reconnected with some old ones. The night was a buzz of conversation and I was intrigued by the fun game of friendmaking.

I was in the giddy position of attention a few times through out the evening and I entertained conversations that I wonder were a bit on the bold side. It wasn't a quiet day with my piano, laptop, or roster of young piano students. The evening was a firecracker of thoughts and chitchat.

I bounced between impulse and planning. In afterthought, my impulses were innocent and present to the moment... but my planning was a bit on the carefree side and not like myself. I usually think so much that I can be so deliberate and cautious.

What an odd conundrum... Isn't it usually impulse that gets one in trouble and not the other way around? I don't know if it is my thoughts that make me feel uneasy or the ice coffee that I indulged in after lunch. I just have these ultra-practical thoughts that make rational sense to me colliding with a very mysterious sense of magic. My dominant emotion is sadness....wishing I had answers to tread on familiar paths but the game of life is to trust and live into the unknown. I guess I don't like the confusion and the diligence that it takes to navigate through the multitude of possibilities and need to call myself toward higher levels of bravery.

I don't know what came over me during a particular conversation when I decided to abandon my usual demeanor... maybe it is because I had been considering an indulgence....maybe it is a path in being brave... maybe it is utter stupidity. Maybe I ought to consider that it is all such and more and not think too much and make up feelings that I don't enjoy...and deliberate over the ones I do and sit with that.

I am a little surprised that I am reducing myself into a lost little girl. I need to pull myself together and have a grown up conversation with myself. I'm taking life way too serious.