Why Aren't YOU Dating?

"At the first kiss
I felt something melt inside me that hurt in an exquisite way.
All my longings, all my dreams and sweet anguish,
All the secrets that slept deep within me came awake,
Everything was transformed and enchanted,
everything made sense."

Hermann Hesse

Princess N and I are writing up our first blogradio segment. Seeing that "dating" is our favorite tenuous subject to tackle and that we have polarizing opinions over the topic, we thought it might make for an interesting show.

With my enjoy life and the sanity that singleness affords me, I've had debate with love warriors who claim that I am a nonsentimental goodbye girl. Goodbye Mystic, goodbye ABC, goodbye Mr. B, goodbye dear 3 kings...etc... It was brought up among the sisterhood lastnight, why aren't they dating at all and why do I have a silly parade that I let walk on by.

Something truly exquisite... that's what I want. It's easy to not mourn my solititude when I know my prospects are very far from a dream I have in my heart. I won't embrace an arbitrary affair, love that is not amazing in its simplist form of friendship, conversation that is meant to humor away loneliness rather than celebrate a unique human being.

What is the most terrifying thing to me a friend asked this weekend...

LOVE... the one who's kiss will melt me in an exquisite way, enchanting and transforming me. I met him once and I liked how he scared the wits out of me.

I've not loved anyone from the parade this past year due to lack of chemistry and the strongest sense of not having mutual feelings. The friendships may have a slight enchantment but no true spell over me and I believe the reverse is true for them. It's not confusing to me to know that they are not the one. It's not sad or dramatic and I've created respectful friendships that I walked away from and redefined without conflicts.

And so the search continues for the one that makes "everything make sense" and thrillingly, enchant the unknown.

JNET

Within the Eternal Space

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear,
too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice,
but for those who love,
time is eternity."

Henry Van Dyke

The mathematician... the mathematician....

I visited this place of eternity with him. That place where time stops and moves quickly. How? Why? I usually travel alone and yet he managed a seat next to me. He still manages to do so and I haven't seen him in a while. Why am I still traveling alone and why did I meet him?

I can have my fill of life and be blessed with my tea cup overflowing; emptied and filled again with new people and experiences and yet, the mathematician is that quietest voice I hear. And it makes me laugh like I'm watching a pink bunny with batteries before me. But my pink bunny doesn't just pace mechanically and aimlessly. It dances, sings, plays, writes and sleeps peaceably full of dreams.

How amusing and very sweet. Has he given me the Eternity that mystics speak of? What to do with this eternity? What does one do with a muse? Make art.

Time flies before me and I grow younger
With playful daydreaming delight
Breathing a million year's quiet meditation
The eternity your love brings to light.

JNET

Copyright ©2007 J. R. Hollyday

brighter than sunshine



aqualung

"That one I love who is incapable of ill will, and returns love for hatred.
Living beyond the reach of I and mind, and of pain and pleasure,
full of mercy,
contented, self-controlled,
with all his heart and all his mind given to Me /
with such a one I am in love."

Bhagavad Gita

Minding the Boundaries of My Piece of Heaven

I let go of a student today. She was also someone on my forgiveness "stage" during this past weekend's exercise. K had not shown up to her appointments with me for the last three consecutive weeks and during my brief calls with her all she could say..

"Let's reschedule, I'll call you later." Later came and passed. I sat in my teaching studio minus my student another week. I left a message on her phone.

"K, I am a bit confused here. I am at the studio and you are not here. Perhaps you are on your way. Please call me." She did not return that call until three weeks later.

She showed up at my home today wishing to resume her lessons and then she wanted to discuss paying me less since she wasn't going to meet me at the studio.

And that is when I got that I had to let her go and that I was giving her her final lesson.

"K, it is true that I must be compensated with money for my time teaching but there is something more valuable than dollars here that needs to be valued and that is time. I teach because I am committed to growth not money. I only want committed students who communicate well with me and want the best for their own life and making sure I have such types of students makes it a pleasure to do what I love and my teaching practice is financially stable and prosperous. You, on the other hand, had shown yourself as questionably committed. I usually refuse to take unstable students and if they want a new chance with me, I don't let them dictate how much my time is worth to me."

And then she told me that I was a bad business person though a very good teacher and that I ought take her money because it was money.

And that's when I showed her the door and told her that she didn't owe me a single cent..

I gave her some options to think about. I don't know if she understood about respecting time and being committed. Perhaps she'll get that lesson down the road when she studies with another. I wished her well as I closed the door.

Am I a bad business person? I think if any of my other students were to witness the exchange, they would be understand. If I had more students like K, I wouldn't have the energy or enthusiasm to continue doing what I love and I would live a life of instablity chasing money in exchange ... for what?

I happily and peaceably had my goodbye with K. I dicate my worth and not someone else and it is up to me to mind my own boundaries to mind my personal piece of heaven.

JNET

Struck Down By The Weight of A Feather

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."

Mark Twain

The weekend was full of interesting conversations. The most engaging ones happened alone in my head.

With the coaching of Christopher Howard leading a sea of souls through their individual journey, I docked front and center before the stage with my eyes closed like everyone else for the "Forgiveness Exercise."

Was it a visual meditation? I don't know how to label the experience. It was profound... and a refreshing break from intensive lectures on neurolinguistic programming, the UNconscious mind, imprinting, hypnosis and the history of personal development technologies, psychology, and psychoanalysis.

In the dark private space of my thoughts, I was asked to bring before my "stage" people I had known through-out my life. We began with childhood friends and then moved through the phases of life, recalling those that we felt we wanted to get complete with and be free of any energetic ties that brought up feelings of disappointment, sadness, hurt, anger, etc...

I was coached to ask these folks on my "stage" if they stood for my personal evolution and spiritual journey... if the answer was yes, they were excused, if not, they remained.

I "asked" each person the question and became present to the overwhelming truth of YES. Yes, they all were a stand for my growth and journey. YES, I was LOVED... for a finite time frame within the Infinite, LOVED POWERFULLY despite the flawed human interactions. And what got between our relationship was human fraility.. baggage... baggage that no one was born with but somehow found along the road. We all became connected due to common ties or common baggage between us but in the course could not or chose not to forge onward. And then we became attached for whatever selfish reasons, validation, security, wanting to avoid lonlines, change which made for very unhappy unattaching...

I got that there wasn't a single bad, hurtful person in my life. Just hurtful things happened and it was up to me how I wanted to enjoy them in my life and freely detach from past hurts.

The forgiveness exercise took me to many places in my mind and the most profound part was yet to come.

I was then asked to bring back everyone back "onstage" and to look at the web of connection between us. A lot of people had crossed my path and I looked at them floating above like in a dream.

And then I was told to sever the web and free everyone to move on to their own journey.

The stage emptied and the image of the severed web was dramatic... imagine a floor covered with cobwebs. It looked devastating.

As the web started to fade a feather floated down and surprised me.

One solitary feather, bright white, floated down to the empty stage that was now a black void.

And I got that everyone that crossed my life was really an angel (proverbially) and those moments that I attached disappointment and hurt to.... were really lessons.

From the void I was present to love and peacefully said my goodbyes so that I may freely again choose my hellos afresh.

I was struck down by the weight of a feather this weekend and I saw forgiveness with new eyes.


JNET

Making Suggestions Into My Subconscious

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."

Nelson Mandela

I'm blowing a kiss into my mind...

What is your UNconscious mind and why the hell should you CARE???

Let's see, consciously, you get to choose what you want to wear, what to eat, what you want to think about at a given second...

Your unconscious mind meanwhile helps you with the stuff you don't want to spend every moment concentrating on DOING... when to beat your heart, move the cells around, where to store memories, process your food.

I learned this weekend that your conscious mind is dwarfed by the command system of your unconscious system... It's not a 50/50 deal. It's more like 95/5.

Well that's good to not have to worry about what to do with air, where to direct blood and neurons...

UNFORTUNATELY, the unconscious mind makes a lot of judgements from it's vast storage of memory that we may not be aware of at every given second.

I attended a breakthrough" weekend in order to GET REAL with myself and proactively take on inner conversations of 'life is a struggle", "success means working like you're climbing Mt. Everest"... These limiting ways of thinking don't make space for creating ease in my creativity and I want to be a kung fu master at my life.

It was worth my time and I will be sharing my thoughts. If Christopher Howard is in your nick of the woods, I recommend that you attend his event... I'll even leave you with a link to attend for free.

Know Thyself... An unloved unconscious mind is a terrible thing...

I'm blowing a kiss into my mind...

JNET

The Secret People

What values motivate Oprah? How does the mind of Trump, Gates, and Buffet work? What thought patterns does a billionaire take on and where do I stand within that?

It's a seminar. It's a party. It's a peel yourself like an onion and take stock of your life by kicking your own backside celebration.

Freud's world of psychoanalysis-years-of-therapy program is grossly outdated by the new technologies of digging into the mind with Christopher Howard's "Breakthrough to Success" program.... a primer into a world where one can REPROGRAM oneselves from self-defeating habits and create roads towards a life that is open to success quicker than Freud can clean his false wooden teeth and return for your session.

A certain "exercise" reconfigured my emotions over a certain moment within minutes. I cried my eyes over it for a second and was OVER it ENTHUSIASTICALLY. NO, silly, I wasn't BRAINWASHED... I am on a mission to CLEAN HOUSE.

I had lunch with a woman who cuts million dollar deals as a product developer. She was frustrated that she kept hitting an income ceiling of $200,000 a year. She felt capable of more and wanted to study herself and see how she can bump herself up.

Would it be worth it to you to spend a weekend to focus and get down and dirty with your limiting thoughts? It was for me.

I had lunch with a retired toy designer from Mattel. He was wondering how he might enjoy his retirement and be productive at the same time. He's retired at age 42. He has a lot of life to yet be creative but in a different way.

I had lunch with a musican. He has several projects on the go and wanted to get clear with steps towards future goals to record and tour... as well as publish a book he's working on.

I attended because I have a book I'm writing and wish to have a complete and have registered at the writer's guild by June 1. I'm also looking at finding an illustrator for the cover and self-publishing....and it is a new world to me because I am a music teacher by vocation. I took the course because I knew I had reservations about having my world change QUICKLY and I wanted to prepare my mind for it.

Like anyone in the planet, I deal with life.... I get discouraged or distracted. I deal with thoughts of losing control of my life within the changes. But I WANT the change, I WANT the success, I HAVE SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE and the road hits the occasional speed bump. But I will not veer off course.

And so after watching movies such as "The Secret" and "What the Bleep"... after listening to certain progressive radio's talk show hosts such as Lisa Garr of the Aware Show, after being involved with groups such as T. Harv Ecker, EMI and Landmark and collecting a world of wonderful supportive people, I decided to see what Christopher Howard had to say... He's part of a circle of people I admire and are teachers in my life...

It was A LOT. A party over neuro-linguistic programming, quantum physics, new technologies in the psychology realm with the Warren Buffet of the personal development field... makes for an intensive day that makes me excited to go for more the next day as I discover things about myself and see ways to realize my goals sooner than later.

Tomorrow is the final day of my 3 day seminar. It's been quite a revelation AND I did get present to some self-defeating ways of being that is slowing my publishing progress. Keeping up with the language is fast-paced and sophisticated but I'm riding the waves, BABY!

More thoughts tomorrow, after I end my final day at Christopher Howard's "Breakthrough to Success" Weekend...

JNET

Be my guest. Check out this Christopher Howard person.

Sliding Doors

Hello Winking World...

I miss the mathematician... my mythological god of an epic crush. He's wonderful because he's thus far managed to be the kindest human being I've met... as well as ambitious, sexy and smart. But he sailed off to academia to slay the doctorate dragon.

And so this princess wondered....

Are there more sweet princes in the world? Young kings?

Off sailed away my mathematician and in came the magician; Mystic, with a ready story and twinkling trick to entertain the days away. Entertainment went only so far before I realized the whole program and got bored with the re-runs.

The mathematician represented transformation and grace to me. I could not settle for the lackadaisical world of magic and tricks.

And so, I banished the magician from my kingdom not wishing to tarry my days with the trinkets of false gold and not soon after came along Mr. B, a common man who professed for the good of mankind with lofty ambitions.

Mr. B built wings of ambitous words, words, words but never took flight blaming the weather, the mountain, the unfairness of this and that. I could not find silence in his presence and there was no peace, no present, no blessings to breathe in. I freed him to mind his business and he yelled at me for my snobbery. He never noticed to speak to me until I chose to take leave. And though I requested to leave respectively, I was scorned and spurned. No, Mr. B... I don't want to be with an angry bird who can't fly. I am searching for the one who wants to fly me to the moon.

And so the door closes and the door opens and the door closes and the door opens.

My request to the universe?

....the kindest man who has my name in his heart. Will the mathematician return? Are there more sweet princes in the world? Young kings?

JNET

WORD UP: Behold, I Make All Things New

Rev. 21: 5

I can't seem to find a dictionary that gives justice to the word BEHOLD.

It doesn't merely mean a fancy way of saying "looky looky" and it is not a gloried way of say "tada!"

To "behold" for me means... to open one's awareness to that which is and has always been before one and to command one's attention to behold is to put aside distraction, breathe and become rigorously present to an unchanging truth.

To behold is to be in the space of an eternal now and be free of the imposition of past and the imposition of "future's" demands. To behold is to be still... and in the stillness be renewed by re-claiming or reconnecting to one's original design...

The one where God declared that all is good.

Happy Easter.

JNET

In The Stillness

Easter service began with a thirty minute meditation. That is, 30 minutes of SILENCE with the lights turned down while sitting quietly among 3000 souls. This can be extremely difficult for some people. How does one walk from a life that runs on sensory overload to sitting still?

In the silence, babies cooed and some cried. Most people were able to sit with their silence peaceably while others struggled with stifling coughs, habitual clearing of throats and knuckles and nervousness of not being subjected to a stimulus.

In the silence, life is no longer a spectator sport and one is challenged with whatever thoughts like to take free range of the clearing space. I had a moment where I chuckled because silence is so hard to create with 3000 people. But I also had many moments at being awed that over 3000 people were striving to create that space together.

In that space of 30 minutes, I found peace and awe... though in that very same space others ran their worries in their heads... worries like

Oh no, I'm going to get sick. Where is that baby? Someone should take that baby out of the room. What are we waiting for? Where's the pastor? Did something wrong happen? I don't like meditation. We don't need a silent period that is more than 5 minutes... ten minutes MAX!

It's funny what kind of things rush in the silence. Though I never personally heard any of these thoughts, I also did hear these thoughts. It's strange but perhaps it makes sense to you too.

Being in a quiet space is like visiting yourself as a child in bed, relaxing and thinking. I visited myself, tucked myself in, fluffed the pillows a bit and smiled at the "noise" around me.

It's funny what one hears in the silence.

JNET

Goodbyes and Hellos

Ambivalence is not someone to become bestfriends with and courting time with Indecision is a great way to lose one's self... literally.

Not wanting to take Mr. B down a garden path and undoing myself in the process, I got off the fence and left the garden. I feel so much better.

Curiously, distractions come bolting through the garden as soon as I tried to take leave with my happy decision. The phone rang and a ghost of Christmas past said hello.

"How's the sexist woman in the universe?" a vaguely familiar voice with an unfamilar phone number said...

It wasn't exactly the most trustworthy voice... later identifed as the infamous X.

"How's your girlfriend?"

"What girlfriend?"

"The one you go home to every night and sleep with and just bought a house with girlfriend."

"You know all about that?"

(When you attend a very tiny private school, people sometimes keep you caught up with news you don't care to know. Jnetsworld manages to be vast and yet very small at the same time. I'm enjoying the paradox.)

I had to laugh within myself.

Is the devil stupid or what? I just said goodbye to ambivalence and just wanted to sit with myself to think.

I won the short joust. The doorbell rang and I was literally saved by the bell and another goodbye was followed by a new hello.

When Life throws such uncanny tests, I wonder if it is God making a wink.

JNET

Love's Little Corner

AM: "There's something about that bedroom, JNET. My crazy dating life ended when I moved out."

L: "I've dated more in one month than I did in my four years in New York City.

According to my feng shui book, the bedroom in question (the spare room I rent out) dynamically interacts with the relationship corner. I've had three girls rent the room in the past two years and whatever love life they've had seemed to affect the dating MO of the whole house.

JNET: "AM, you had African masks all over your room.. Are those to celebrate fertility and coupling up in general? ... I think that energy was a bit overwhelming."

Less than one year of the house going tribal was traumatic.

N, the first girl, had sweet symbols around and kept her room a very girlish powder blue. My dating life was Sanrio sweet and innocent and love was a bit on the goofy and awkward side.

L, my newest roommate keeps her room very sane and stable and reads spiritual relationship books and has dated more in her first month living in my space than her whole 4 years in NY. She has also managed to meet the first guy to ever charm her beyond belief, a rising creative chef who seems to have found his muse in her. He prepared a nine course meal at his restaurant the other evening and the dining experience was like watching a romantic movie unfold. I was moved and inspired.

If their love story is to have any affect on the dynamics of the relationship MO of the whole house, I had better have my seat belts on good...

Love the way I imagine exists in witnessing L's experience. It is inspiring, creative, amazingly beautiful, delicate and expressive. ART.

JNET