A Good Set of Z's

I read up on "Nightmares" and "Night Terrors" last night and concluded that I had not been getting enough rest and that my dream time was the only time I had to give myself a good stern talking.

Being one of those "lucky people" that can function on 3 hours of sleep, I had finally hit up against a wall... I had to take stock.

My students had been playing musical time slots and I had been flexible taking away time to sleep and eat this past month. In the past month, I have had 2 off days. I didn't see this as a burden largely because I do what I love with my time.

I'm doing many things that I love that I'm hitting up against time conflicts with things I wish I could fit in my life. Perhaps that explains the cacophony of sound in my dreams.

The death of a loved one perhaps represents my fear of not coming through for people I care about and the face of the offensive woman is a warning to not humor toxic friendships. The woman is the spookiest element because she is a toxic friend that I had let go some time ago and she has reappeared right after my dream of her.

My personal time has been greatly limited these past couple of months that I have not humored any toxic or time consuming friendships. Perhaps the dream is just another reminder to stave off from questionable persons that demand of my time... if there is a premonition to be had... it's too stay away from the girl.

And stay with the chorus of friends that I have enjoy within the verses of my daily life.

I'll see how productive I can create my days within less hours. That's my goal for this coming month.

JNET

Time to Slow Down

I went to bed at my normal crazy hour after a great evening with friends.

I literally sleep with the angels every night. I have a little lamp with angels holding musical instruments at my bedside table. I keep it on through the day and night... it is my "perpetual candle" with the help of Mr. Edison.

Last night, after getting my room in order, I checked my clock and set my alarm and went to bed with a good book on metaphysics before settling into the cosiest place I know; I said my prayers as I do every single evening... thanking God for this and that.. telling his angels to tell my mathematician that I adore him and then closed my eyes.

I was sitting up in less than an hour after an arduous battle in dreamland. I experienced sounds as if bouncing through a prism. I woke up screaming.

My roommate slept through everything in her side of the house.

I rarely have bad dreams and last night marked my second evening of nightmares. I turned on the BIG light and went back to sleep after checking my clock and confirming that no monsters nor dragons had messed up my bedsheets.

Since this is so unusual for me, I have something odd to analyze this week.

My roommate speculated it might be from eating dinner late. Some folks think that eating cheese can give nightmares. I did afterall, have some brie with a glass of white before dinner.

Is it from stress? I have been pushing myself through rehearsals and lessons and life in general. Do I simply need to slow down or maybe go on vacation?

Someone speculated that I may be surrounded by negativity. This one didn't quite resonate with me considering that I have a great circle of loyal friends who are positive and upbeat. Do I have an enemy waiting at the door who is bitter and full of envy? I don't answer those doors... I'm too busy... if there is a wave of negativity waiting to crash on me.. that wave will have to wait indefinitely for me to give it the time of day.

I don't watch scary movies. I don't humor toxic people and the cheese verdict sounds too much like an old wives' tale.

Perhaps it's a combinations of many variables... Two nightmares within the past four days. Interesting.

One thing is certain. I should slow down and get more rest.

JNET

WORD UP: Walking With God

This week's BSF study was over Genesis Chapter Five.

I found it encouraging especially after yesterday's nightmare experience. I was able to "catch up with myself" and put my fears aside and actually breathe again with God. Completing my homework this morning, I found myself back on track.

I was inspired by one specific person of the Bible's many run-downs of lineages and that person is Enoch who "walked with God and then was no more because God took him away.

Enoch was known to all as someone of great faith and I can only imagine how everyone felt when they noticed that he was missing. Where IS he? Why is he missing? How can he be missing?

He and God were pretty tight that I'm sure everyone was amazed when they finally got it (after they freaked out).... that Enoch was plucked from his earthly existence without experiencing death as everyone on the genealogy list did. No one can say that he died on such and such day... He was the one that made family story time mysterious and full of awe. And folks lived pretty long back in the day to pass a story down. Remember the day "Uncle Enoch" disappeared in thin air??? A somber hush would follow... OOOHHHH yes.

It didn't create a family upset because Enoch's son was the longest living person in the Bible... Methuselah.. 969 years. Enoch chose an interesting name for his son. It meant "judgment will follow at the end of his life"... The flood came soon after his death.

We studied a few sections of genealogies this week and made note of the changing spans of longevity as time went on further away from the days of Adam. People lived less longer as time went on. With that, my imagination takes flight....

If it's been said that we don't use own modern brains to full capacity, is it possible that we don't communicate, relate, listen, talk to God in full capacity? Are we walking with God at a slower rate? Have we placed so much in between the gap of who we are in our human experience and God? Are we relating to God in first gear only? Where would we take our lives with God if we drove full throttle? Have we lost some sophistication of spirit over the generations? What ways of relating have we lost along the way?

These will be my questions to put to my group today at Bible study. I'm looking forward to my crazy intense life... I woke up from a nightmare yesterday but I walked straight to God with my thoughts and fears. Nightmares... stories of stress and troubles are distractions from the promises of God that we can have today and everyday. We...our illusions of ourselves separate us from our true identities and joy of life.

Yesterday, I had a nightmare. I analyzed it and created power from it. I didn't want to give any credit to the dragon.

I don't belong to the dragon. I belong to God.

Today, I woke up in the clouds.

If you are interested in checking out a BSF class in your area. Check out their website. It's an international study and every first week of the month, guests may come in and check out a class. Register yourself in if it suits you.

JNET

Catching Up With Myself

I began the day waking up from a nightmare. I very rarely have them. I am disturbed by how much of it I still remember. I "witnessed" something horrible, a fatal accident that had been caused by the insolence of a person's indulgent whim for attention.

I clearly saw "her face" and it wasn't a face that I wanted to dream about. I went to bed thinking about good things and this girl was the last person in the world that I wanted to think about. But there she was... being the conduit of confusion and chaos; demanding yet oblivious that the world did not center on her fancies. And I watched in my dream, someone run to her call with intention of friendship and aid... and he tripped to his death... a clumsy, bumpy, horrific, and accidental death.

I woke up quite shaken and have been on the edge over every phone call. Has Halloween gotten me spooked? Is someone really about to die? Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed by the amount of commitments I have and the dream world is telling me to slow down.

And oddly enough, that face of chaos, mysteriously reappeared in my life after no contact since the spring. She decided to call on me today and leave a message of hello.... And now I am a little more anxious as I keep a more vigilant eye on life and say extra prayers for blessings and protection.

Did I will her into my life or did I see her coming? Do I associate stress and burdens with her?

I don't know.

All I know is that my plate is full...

A mother has requested that her son work on a concerto for his bar mitvah. The music doesn't exist for his level and so I am arranging it for him. She prefers that he plays music the level that I'm practicing for MY study and that I teach it to him by rote... and all I can think is... ????????? I had to get through some other literature before I could touch the stuff I'm playing now.

My schedule is booked from 7am to 8pm... some commitments have me til 11pm. I try to collect myself in the few hours between to read and write. I feel excited, exhausted, exhilarated and enthusiastic. I am finding and needing time to socialize in order to keep the balance right but I experience a little anxiety because that requires TIME... But, I realize that if I don't plan such times, I truly will find myself out of balance faster. Living.. LIVING is what lends to the dynamics of my life and creativity. And so I have to schedule spending time with friends and continue my little rituals that make my life sane.

I don't have time for nightmares.

Maybe it's the dragon trying to trip me up. Sorry dragon, I am not playing.

I have my bible study homework to complete for tomorrow morning's class.

I'm spending lunch time with P for his birthday.

A and I need to get some stuff to prepare for our Halloween party this Friday night.

I have a script to write and I have research to do in preparation for a Saturday meeting out of town.

I have students to teach in the afternoon.

And I go straight to dance rehearsal and will be there until 10pm...

After that I will go home to read and write some more... maybe squish in a little bit of piano.

And then I have a 7am commitment Friday morning..... and I'll need to leave my home by 6:30am at the very latest. I have a commitment at 1pm back home. I'll teach a couple of students as they get out of school... after which I'll dash home and get dressed up and prepare to host a Halloween party.

And then I have a Saturday commitment out of town... I return the same day in the evening. Hopefully, I'll be able to fit in some time to practice, tidy my room, pay bills. I have rehearsal a good bulk of time on Sunday... but will finally be able to maybe sit still afterwards.

I hope to fit some time to blog... it's my way to catch up with myself... to write and then read my life..

and reflect....so that's what I'm up to these days....

And I do all this without the aid of coffee.

JNET

Ranting the Dating Dilemma

My new roommate arrives from Manhattan tomorrow.

I am happy to have someone new and cool (she's friends with E. (the boy next door) who moved to Manhattan last year).. They've been working at Birdland together.

I am having a quiet evening alone at home. I am so lazy that it is nearly midnight and I haven't had dinner yet. I've had a bit of chocolate and a glass of red wine. I practiced "Big My Secret" by Michael Nyman... until the wine finally hit me. Nyman writes tragically beautifully for the soundtrack of the the movie "The Piano". Unfortunately, I became tragically too tired to concentrate and began playing less right notes distracted by hunger yet without a clue about what I'm hungry for.

I finally decided to write as I contemplate what to have for dinner.

Last Friday, I managed to depress myself thoroughly after talking to M. about dating dilemmas and living in Los Angeles. Maybe I was having "the grass is always greener" notions, thinking Boston is a better place to meet people...

Maybe I am just missing my mathmatician who's been so busy at school. He's still my number ONE crush having no real competition. I don't know if it's because I've been struck by cupid's arrow or there is truly a lack of good prospects to create a worthy rival. But then, before him, no one has caught my attention since 6th grade.

M. told me that I am lucky being a girl... "girls always get opportunities"... boys deal with "more rejection." I had to beg to differ. There are many of the male species that will pursue anyone of the female persuasion. And with the dramatic stories I catch wind of during daily life, it doesn't matter what crazy stuff she's up to or how she looks.. as long as she has a pulse. How do you discern love from arbitrary chasing for a shag?

Is the fellow prospecting for love when the main conversation centers around their surprise that they've found a single girl? What does it mean when all they can say is "God, you are so beautiful." And some start talking about what they are looking for in a wife and then I realize that I'm getting interviewed for the role when I'm just trying to figure out if they would be fun to hang out with. Some start dumping right away the worries of their life and revealing their failures.

Is the fellow prospectiving for love or a therapist? It baffles me when someone can figure that they are so fond with me when they haven't seen my writing, heard me play the piano, dance or sing or find out what my interests are; my likes and my dislikes.... We talked only about their career, their failures and trials... and how I've magically appeared to them like an oasis in the gray that is their life.

"What is your dream?"
"To find love... to find a girl just like you."
"No really, you must have a dream... what is the most important goal for you to reach?"
"Love is the most important thing and all I want to do is find out how to make you happy."
"What ELSE is important to you beside me? Something important to ONLY you."
"There is nothing more important than love... What kind of girl are you? What's wrong with you?

Arrgghh... and THIS is called an opportunity for love?

The mathematician has woven himself into my life because not only has he heard me play, read some of my work, but he's also shared his dreams with me, given me a role to be his friend and an encouragement, as well as read and loved a few of my favorite books, fiddled with my computer to helped me be more efficient in my work and has had enough interest to know of my friends if not personally then by name at least. He pays attention to my stories ... he pays attention to my life and is one of the few people that's interested in me that knows my likes and dislikes. And he's the most positive person I know...even when he is frustrated!

I wish more guys were like that. Dating would be much more fun.

As for some of the other suitors....

The evening usually turns into a comic Pepe Le Pew scuffle with me announcing the end of the evening. The "attraction" is really not personal... when the calculating is so obvious. They are not present to me and I'm going through a script of how they date to find what they are looking for. I just happen to look a certain way and I like to be nice and easy-going up to a reasonable point without compromising who I am. There is little spontaneity, silliness or fun... I become present to their fear, their fumbling, their fishing. And then I become sad... because the friendship that I am trying to create for the evening is just a ghost of one as I find myself speaking to deaf ears as they nod and smile and have another go at pulling me closer to them. And then I get chided for being unromantic.

What I learn from these Pepe Le Pew experiences is that if I'm to be myself, it would be when I'm finally alone with myself again. I don't enjoy an evening of sexual bullying. Prefering my solitude over playing cat and mouse is a saner existence.

Funny, my mathematician is the only one that doesn't feel like he's making calculations when we're together.

JNET

WORD UP: Where's My Props?? Validate ME!!

This week's BSF concluded the downward spiral of THE FALL. Genesis Chapter FOUR.

Eve chose to gain knowledge under the advice of a crafty nimkampoop who didn't deserve the time of day. Temptation in itself is not a sin but giving space for it to manifest at newer levels is....

Was she terribly hungry and there wasn't anything else available? Hardly. Yet she rationalized that it looked good for food. Was she in the desert and the tree was the only thing to look at.. the only beautiful thing to bring joy to her eyes? No, yet she went against her best judgment saying it was pleasing to the eyes.. Did she feel cheated in the school of life and that she was being treated as a second rater in paradise? ....she desired the wisdom and she was willing to accept it from the dubious, beguiling crafty creature.

She could've told it to "buzz off" and keep its gibberish to itself.. But no. She took the bait and also took her nearest and dearest Adam down with her for the count.

And thus was born the need for psychotherapy!

Conscious of guilt, a new habit was born; escape mechanisms. They could've admitted their guilt but they hid. They lost all sense of their self and the relationships they enjoyed up until then... they were filled with fear and insecurity and filled with angry blame. Instead of owning responsiblity, they played hot potato.

So the serpent founded a new game with the powerful and passionate emotions the hated humans had... as much as humans had the capacity for intellectual pursuit, creative passion and profound relationship; their emotions were malleable. Humans can be bent out of shape. They can be fed the illusion that they are alone, isolated and not loved enough.

This week we discussed Cain... the serpent's next pawn.

His brother, Abel, made an offering of the firstborn of his livestock. Cain made an offering of vegetables and fruits. Abel's sacrifice was acceptable and Cain's was not and Cain took it as a personal rejection and went to sulk over it alone.

I doubt God told Cain that he sucked because after Cain left obviously upset, God went to check on him later on. Seeing Cain yet miserable over something that has come to pass, God asked.. "Why are you so downcast?"

Cain had no answer, maybe he shrugged and played the "I don't know" game.

So God comes to listen Cain out and Cain is stuck in his head so God warns that Cain is making himself vulnerable by brooding so much and that Cain ought to master his emotions lest sin masters them for him.

Cain decides on a brilliant idea to kill his brother to feel better... playing the "kill the competition" card. God comes over as asks where Abel is and Cain says smugly that he is not his brother's keeper. Whew! What a handful of attitude from the firstborn of Adam and Eve.

God punishes Cain by separating him from his family and putting him east of Eden to wander to be the rootless independent person that he wanted so much to be. He could've had some remorse for murdering his brother but he didn't have it. He could've developed some remorse later on in his life... but the story of Cain doesn't go that way...

Cain lived to glorify himself and had the "look out for number ONE" attitude and he parented that attitude in the generations that came from him. The civilization that rose from his lineage created "fathers" of invention and the arts. Achievement was the modus operandi and boasting of one's self... and murder continued to justify getting rid of people who crossed one's path the wrong way and was bragged about.. One's of Cain's descendents was so proud of his murdering someone that he wrote a poem to glorify it.

Wow.. and I thought Eve was misled. Cain, the first fruit, of Eve's new fallen life couldn't seem to find his track. Maybe he was the "crack baby" after the forbidden fruit infusion. Maybe he was a sin addict and at first tried to keep himself under control but after a while, the monkey was just riding his back like King Kong.

As painful as Cain's thoughts were to him, he had God by his side for a while to work things out with but he opted out of that option. Cain's baggage was an illusion that kept him from feeling connected and judging from the way his life continued when he was creating his life the way he wanted without God, the appetite for kudos was endless and destructive.

You can't create security from a place of insecurity... and insecurity is an illusion.

JNET

POEM: The Dragon in the Garden

To the garden came the dragon
Spying through flower, fauna and tree.
Found the door to the lost kingdom
And opened it with a stolen key.

Won by the fire of eloquent airs
It acquired its precious prize.
A shower of flattery and inflated cares
Disguised elaborate and crafty lies.

The key to paradise relinquished
A vulnerable garden came under new rule.
Carefree days of yesterday banished
But hope is promised through a jewel.

The earth grows through the tears of a maiden
And the toil of her beloved and the death of a son.
Eden will be reclaimed and the dragon will be laden
With its postponed sentence, the spell undone.

No flattery nor crafty story
Will keep the key to paradise forever hidden
The garden was created for love and glory
To choose abundance over what is forbidden

Copyright ©2005 J. R. Hollyday

WORD UP: Living to Learn, Learning to Live

This week's BSF study continues to engage my imagination...

So how did we get from utter bliss to running around scared covered in shame and a fig leaf?

No more days at the park, catergorizing, and getting to know the animals to name them, gone were the days of daily being in the presence of a joyful artist and creator, and gone were the days when you looked at your beloved with a sense of profound joy for out of the abundant yet lonely wilderness, someone who inspires and understands you finally speaks and you realize the beauty of humanity; yours and theirs.

Instead, days are burdened. There is no time for parks and paradise and the animals that you once named, studied, and cared for are killed for food or kept at safe distances so that they don't eat you. And as for your beloved, you yo-yo from sanity to insanity. The carefree days of abundance are now stressed out days of trying to keep things together... You struggle for inspiration and understanding and it's hard to imagine delighting over your own humanity let alone your beloved's.

But hey, you have your good days and you have your bad days.

Paradise is complicated in its simplicity anyhow.. Living in peace, harmony, enjoying a new day to learn, gets boring. And thinking.. takes energy.

Genesis chapter 3 always fascinates me and blogging my thoughts allows me to linger over some things a little more before I take on next week's homework.

Two special trees.. a tree of life... a tree of immortality? and the famously forbidden tree of knowledge of good and bad. Was it a set-up? I can't say that it was a set up.. every game has rules to play by and we don't get upset over those rules. Upsets usually occur when someone doesn't believe in playing by the rules...

Was it the fruit.. did it unleash ominous powers? No, Eve, though misguided.. did have some naughty intentions. She had EVERYTHING and yet she was curious about the one thing that was off limits. Now that kind of appetite is what got her in trouble and talking to a spectacular looking crafty creature that had a knack for taking things out of context and making her confused wasn't a good move in the end.

I had to think of the Eve in me... were there any forbidden trees that were taxing my attentions and was I hanging out with toxic crafty creatures? Do I place myself in situations that might compromise my bit of daily paradise?

Yes. I did have an unusual day in my piece of paradise recently....

Adam (my mathematician) has been busy with his little corner of Eden when a beautiful and compelling creature came by to say hello.

I didn't fall for the fruit joke. The tempting creature modulated their tactics and the intellectual exercise to overcome emotion was quite a game.

The creature spoke into my insecurities, knowing me very well. The creature was very subtle yet aggressive; intelligent. Knowing that I was not stupid and having an opportunity to flaunt their cleverness, the creature delighted over their moves like a game of chess. A conversation that had little wisps to pull at my insecurities and graceful wisps that spoke to my desires and my values... even...

Eve's downfall was not by a bulldozing coarse creature... she was tempted by a friendly sounding eloquence that spoke to a clear space marked for her baggage...

Maybe she wondered if the fruit was really deadly and wanted to test God and check out if God was going to come in and save her at the last moment... maybe she didn't believe that consequences would follow and maybe she wasn't thinking at all and just let the creature run the show while she went with "the flow."

In the end, it's not the tempting fruit that marks downfall rather it's the thinking or not thinking that surrounds it.

I am happy with the paradise that is my life and I didn't let myself get pulled in by a sense of lacking and scarcity.. I am able to see and value what I have and not be driven by what I don't have. And I was able to recognize that I was speaking with a crafty creature because they didn't really care about how I thought or felt --- the conversation became about how they can persuade me to think and feel in a certain way to get the results they were vying.

If you don't think... someone else will happily do the thinking for you. And that truly will mark the death of one.

Funny, how one gains wisdom by NOT eating of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and bad.

JNET

Working Between the Silence: Perception and Connection

Today I had the pleasure of listening to Professor Felipe de Leon, Jr. speak (Commissioner of The National Commission of Arts and Culture in the Philippines). He was a guest at KNL's dance rehearsal.

The professor gave an inspiring and enlightening talk about the Filipino psyche to help us as dancers get really connected to the spirit of the dances as well as the peoples behind it.

There are 4 main cultures that are represented in our dances...

The highland or mountain cultures... the people have held tightly to their ancient ways...are very nature-spirit based.. their expression as a people are that they are one with the elements. I have been learning dances where to even brush your feet on the earth is a reverent expression. Music is very percussive.

The lowland peoples were the most colonized. They are Christianized and are a very devotional group.. Dances representing the lowlanders are communal, celebratory and music is Western influenced.

Our Maria Clara dances represent the refined European gentility influence.. very romantic and Spanish influenced.

And lastly, our Muslim dances embraces the mysticism and flowing seamlessness of the Islamic influence.

I was amazed at the diversity of the people on the Philippine Islands and it is by that diversity that the spirit of the Filipino blossom from building a common psyche. The spiritual center of the people lives from the sense that there is a common soul of humanity; a connectedness. The language itself reveals a sophistication on perception and relating to people. The professor shared that in Tagalog (the common languge within the island) there are 88 words for the word "looking" and more than 100 words for the word "touch".

The psyche of the Filipino craves expression, being a highly relational people, tending to be nurturing, standing in the "presence of social possibility"... also seeking to understand... A non-conformist innately, enjoying the "heterophony" around which is expressed in many ways especially through art and music... the variations of individual expression "celebrating a creative universal presence"...

The word the professor used was KAPWA to describe the notion of the Filipino culture which translates to "shared being"... "the other person is yourself" and that the essence of the people deep down don't believe that their own existence is separate from others... everything is shared from a snack to stories as well as grief and laughter.

I see the professor's analysis and have been raised in the communal magic of the world my family created for me in the States. Even if there were few people from my family's country in some of the places they've raised us... they managed to bring their world to us by creating it... They created it in the neighborhoods.. and creating a social bond of connectedness and transparency gave a world where no one can be lonely or a stranger for very long...

Through the silent gaps of diversity, everyone felt free and safe to be one another's neighbor and friend... no one felt foreign in their neighborhood.

Here is an interesting article where some of Professor De Leon's thoughts are shared in The Economist.

JNET

On Being Committed

It's been a mind-blowing year to grow up.

I spoke to R. in AZ the other day to encourage him to volunteer time as an assistant at Landmark Education. But he hoed and hummed over "time commitment".

I totally understand the "I don't have enough time" tune. I've sung it for many years to bypass commitment and I finally got that this past year.

So what did I choose to do differently this year? I chose to take on being committed to several things and the things that I had been "committed" to already, I took on to a new level of creating excellence and being impeccable.

I wanted a breakthough in the realm of commitment.... knowing that I am a "selective" commitment-phobe. And this is what I've learned...

I watched how I complained in my head and got over myself a lot quicker.

After getting over myself, I recommitted and became present to what I said I was committed to.

If I knew that I had a time conflict coming on, I made a conversation happen right away because I wasn't just committed to a certain appointment... I was committed to being a person that can be straight and dependable.

I created a game in being in a space to play at living out excellence...

I learned that being committed is fun... and that there's room for lots of spontaneity.

So I'm happy that I joined the dance company after being invited for so long. The Sunday 10am to 5pm (sometimes later) time frame always put me off. But I showed up and I got over myself and my mistakes because I wanted to create art and learn the cultural dances of my parents. I wanted to master grace, expression, and throw myself into the world of performance dance... and having killer abs is a nice plus.

I'm happy with who I am as a growing artist.

I'm a better student at BSF. It has been a commitment to always grow spiritually as well as intellectually in faith and study. I'm enjoying the mystery of life at a modulated space and I don't keep it to myself... I share it, I blog it... and I find myself celebrating life even more.

I'm happy with who I am as a person of growing faith.

So these are a couple of thoughts on my mind regarding commitment...

And I have my muse to thank for being a catalyst in giving me new eyes to look at my life and how I want to handle things. And I want to have a great life and not a so so life and his encouragement is like water to me... and with our respective crazy lives...within the spaces of being together... I've learned commitment at a level that has freedom and integrity... where security comes from within and doesn't seek it outside of the self.

And life comes out so much more magically... Because commitment is a lot more than just showing up for an appointment... it's showing up to life.

JNET

My Car Baptized Me

Something just above my steering wheel was giving my feet a little splash. I stressed over it for a week, driving on a prayer. Since it didn't smell like gasoline or anything chemical, I decided to lean on buying time. My schedule has gotten so busy that I was having trouble as to when I can drive over to my mechanics shop. It's been weeks since I had an off day.

I finally squeezed in a call and described my dilemma between students yesterday and so he asked me to come straight over before he closed shop for the weekend. Driving to Van Nuys to the only VW specialist I trust in all of Los Angeles on a Friday afternoon was an adventure in itself. I arrived 10 minutes before the shop closed and the guys came out happily expecting me and in less than 5 minutes found that the windshield wiper line was busted and squirting at me. They pulled the line out and then sent me on my way... gratis.

That is why I drive a 78 Superbeetle. Maintenance with very nice people and the costs are so low at taking care of it.

It would be nice to have a new car but I like having no car payments and low maintence costs... and the bug helps me behave. If I had a new car, I would have to exercise a great deal of discipline driving slow. I already push my bug at 75mph for the speed thrill. In newer cars, my average drive speed would be easy to take higher to numbers that would scare my mom. If no one is on the road with me and the coast is clear...

Yes, it is a good thing I drive a bug..

So yesterday's car drama didn't plunge me. I had a happy ending.

It had been a stressful enough week. I had a couple of students need to take a break due to schedule conflicts ... My schedule has begun the holiday tango starting with the Jewish holidays and will continue to be interesting until after the New Year. And I lost my glasses...

Dance rehearsal was so rigorous this past week adding now costumes and make up, my arms were too sore to practice playing the piano and I had allergic reactions to wearing stage makeup and hairspray.

My body is acting strange this month and I'm starting to get that it is stress out. My immune system is compromised keeping on top. I've watch a lot of people around me get sick and I'm still pushing forward. I'm playing the game but my body is telling me now that I'm stretching it. I'm going to have to rethink my strategy. My plan was to take on life with ease as I create it from very energetic activities... I'm not quite there yet.

WORD UP: Innocence In Paradise

This week's BSF study brought some interesting thoughts to mind. I found it immensely interesting and somewhat amusing when we came upon the Adam and Eve being naked question.

Why were they not ashamed?

I decided to bear my thoughts :)

A life that is without pretense and fear of judgment is a life without the weight of insecurity. It was natural to be naked... and transparent. Being real on more levels than the physical... that is my take on paradise.

Genesis as well as many parts of the Bible presents God as a loving designer; an artist with intention who places his most beloved creation in a garden with lots of fruits and vegetation for food and animals and wild life for company (not food). The Genesis story represents man's origins in paradise; a place of peace to commune directly with a loving power.

Fastforward to our beautiful modern world where the modus operandi of the human strata is to reduce man, belittle his ideas, encourage habits of self-destruction on a physical and spiritual level... create ways of thinking to discourage boundless ways of thinking and limit possibility... and elevate the self on an on-going game of one-up-over-you.

and we find ourself so far far away from paradise.

We don't only do this to one another. We do this to ourselves.

A life that is abundant can be dashed with a single thought...

In the garden where there was plenty of food from the plants and trees, there were also two special trees that were unique and singular: the tree of life and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. These two trees were NOT replicating baby trees of knowledge making little forests of trees of life. These trees were to not to be eaten from... as an exercise of choice toward obedience.

A woman shared something to bring the relationship of the forbideen trees to modern light...

She shared that her life was good. She had a wonderful family and life to enjoy but sometimes in her pursuit of a better life and perfection she would get stumped by some singular detail and that she would find herself distracted. And despite the current blessings her life was provided with, she would find herself unhappy about something that she wanted to make under her control and it was that "branch" of thought that would blind her from the life she had.

With that thought, I wondered if I had any trees in my life that distracted me from the paradise that was available to me. Thoughts are powerful things that can create as well as destroy. And I don't want my ignorance nor arrogance in thinking to undermine me to a distracted life that loses sight of the what I have before me.

The innocence of paradise is not about ignorance which is sadly equated to bliss. A distracting lie. Perhaps the innocence of paradise is the awareness and openess of trust which creates in loving relating a nakedness that is free of shame and insecurity.

I can enjoy this way of being in my relationship with God, my family and my friends. Where insecurity comes up, I'll think of the tree and the temptation to want to take a fruit that is a lie. You can't be fed security if you come from a place of insecurity.

JNET

POEM: No Race To Name

An island of a smile
A face from Spain
Eyes from the Orient
No race to name

I breathe in the east
And wake in the west
No roots on the earth
I live out a quest

Cultures crashing on a beach
Unsure my being unshored
Acceptance by artists
Most others ignored

Sometimes confusion inspires a game
To see who'll guess right
Here I am, a few shades too dark
Standing alone a few shades too light

An island of a smile
A face from Spain
Eyes from the Orient
No race to name

Copyright ©2005 J. R. Hollyday

This is a reprise of a poem I wrote in February.

I had a great weekend... high intensity with a mix of fleeting moments of self-pity and frustration.

I left Friday night for San Diego and arrived at 1am and stayed up til 3am with my mom. An opportunity had came up for us to share our health business at a Filipino cultural festival. It was to be a first annual neighborhood kick-off to celebrate Filipino Hertiage Month and we had all of 5 days to prepare. I didn't have a crazy supply of brochures, I mainly share with close friends and families so we came up with creative solutions.

My sister-in-law borrowed a canopy from a friend, a couple of tables were borrowed. My brothers came to set up and break down our set-up... I didn't have a business "banner" so I made some artsy letters in cardboard which my sister-in-law arranged across our tent... THELIVINGWELL.NET

We had a artsy tent with red pretty material draping the sides and keeping the sun out. Information CD's arranged nicely across the front with a few stories and testimonials in plastic as well as various brochures on the benefits of mangosteen juice and we attracted the nicest people to our little corner of the festival... with a great view of all the entertainment... cultural dances, a fashion show, music and martial arts.. lots of wonderful talent..

So we met a lot of artsy people who are into alternative health possibilities and I had some very interesting conversations. I love it when I demonstrate what the word "try" does to people. It surprises everyone. I teach it to my students to help them get rid of the word. And I teach it to everyone else when I am looking for specific persons to invite into my business. I learn a lot about a person with that exercise... and they learn a lot about myself as well.

So in general, it was a wonderful day... the unwonderful parts were when a few persons came up to ask me if I was Filipino... I'm the oddest looking person, I suppose, so I was glad to have my mom there to set them straight and give me culture cred. I get questioned EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to an event where there are Filipinos who don't know me.

I'm a mix... but I got so "mixed" up that no one seems to pin what I am. It's obvious that I look different.. I guess I wish people asked in a way that wouldn't send me back to my isolated days of junior and senior high school where I felt like I would have had more acceptance if I hadn't looked so "questionable" or "different." I didn't make it into the asian cliques.. I became an artist.. and most of my closest friend are from all over the world, Russia, Turkey, Japan, Switzerland, India, England or they are mixed as well..

I feel like a party crasher when someone asks me if I'm Filipino. I still have those moments when I go to dance rehearsal. And I felt even more obviously different when we had our photo shoot today. It was great being in makeup and costume but I looked less island than everyone and wondered if my Spanish features were just too angular. I had a poignant moment of sadness... silly as I know it is.

I guess I sometimes wish I had a more aloha look.

JNET