December Has Begun?

November was intense. I am not sure where it was most challenging; to be Jeannette in my life or in my head.

I am like a beaten, tired soldier on the freedom path. Good friends moving back east and favorite students not able to continue their studies with me. And I get to deal with my little issues over rejection and abandonment over that... Funny how my fear theme finds spaces to play out.

The illusion of money got wrapped in relationship to my SELF and became a struggle. I have gained three new students and am slowly recovering from being stretched from a lifestyle where money wasn't a worry and I can pay for life and contingent occasions to not having enough for gas and food and I have to pay for life on plastic.

I got caught up in the drama which I created over my fears. And I had hit the rock wall and driven through it.

I was already on the train earlier this year.

I had been devastated by an earlier betrayal from a friend that I had loved and respected earlier in the year. Betrayal happens.

I have continued being creative and keeping on top of living by keeping in mind my possibility of who I am. Despite circumstances, I dream, I create, I play, I write.

I am not rejected nor unloved. I am not my bank account. I am not my teaching practice. I am not my business. I am not my fears.

I am the future of my mind.

It is a daily choice and some days are harder than others.

I can love those who betray me. Though they create pictures and stories to attempt to ostracize me; they end up isolating themselves. I feel sadness over their plight and I miss them as people and the possibility they could have been in my life. I am especially saddened by the fact that they never got how much I loved them....

Half a dozen of my closest friends have left my world of Los Angeles and it has been challenging to feel that I am in here alone. My car broke down last week and I had to sit still for a couple hours before I found someone within 20 miles available to take me home. All my single friends were either out of town or still at work at 8pm in the evening. And then I didn't want to call anyone too far away. A friend helped me but not after I felt self-pity over issues of rejection and abandonment sitting alone in a place that was a dive for a while.

I have continued playing the game of possibility with my crush. He moves me and I find myself out of my self.

Something about him brings me into all my fears and something about him inspires me to rise up to examine them and laugh.

I find myself laughing.

And so I invent myself... I create the clearing for the possibility of relating and he is the source.

He is busy with his exams and I think that's great. And so here I am to generate myself while he is spinning in his galaxy. Rodrigo's Guitar Concierto keeps me in orbit, Spanish, French, and learning Italian keeps me in orbit. And "Boo" keeps me enrolled as the most magical word.

He reads the books I mention and remembers all my friends and he cares about my relationships especially the broken ones and offers himself as a "bridge of possibility." He puts out such beautiful intention to pour himself into my world that I can only further think well of him.

So time passes and I don't hear from him. I can't make him a monster from my fears.

What power is there from making him wrong for his dreams and goals? I can only create the clearing for him to be in my world. I've created a game and he has choice to play.

I think the game of life is about

"Will you play with me????"

Everyone is asking that question of one another and hoping the answer is yes.

I've taken the game a bit further by asking the question and creating a space where he is inspired to play.

It's scary to live out and play the game... But here I am, December has begun. I love, I live, I express and I am inspired.