Man in a Dress

I have been feeling really stretched... Dealing with the loss of several favorite students, my social circle gets smaller as my closest friends pack up and go back east, Bebo is nibbling at everything in the house and a lonliness and boredom for lack of someone to admire... The last one I have ambivalent thoughts about.

I'm tired but I press on for the final spark of energy and finally collapse into bed after an insane hour. I write in the late hours. I practice the piano in the morning and evening hours. I teach in the afternoon. I meet with friends in the between times and I actually welcome their hellos. I think I would just work and practice if I didn't have someone punctuating my time with their presence.

I can't seem to have the capacity to carry friends' drama... And so I find myself wanting to be alone even more. I push myself out into my community though I may not be in the mood. I find a bit of fun and relaxation after showing up... sometimes.

I find myself feeling less emotional, less in my feminine essence; less myself and less human. I am pressed to manage a challenging season within a circle of persons incapable of managing themselves. I don't need another girlfriend to talk and vent with. I have a ton of girlfriends.. a lot of them are guys too. Men who are at a loss at being men. I feel like I'm the man, the dominant and strong figure. And I think my distaste at having children stems from the sense that if I have a child with any of the men that pursue me, I feel that I'll have two children to raise. It's frustrating but it is what is so.

Who's the man?
I'm the man.... in a dress.

I'd "make a great mother" everyone says. I shudder because I wonder if it stems from the sense that their experience of me is a mother figure; a source of emotional security and strength. I generate myself each day, I am depended on to take care of business and I don't have space to relax in anyone's presence often and get centered and be a woman.... sexy, playful,
radiant. When can I be the emotional one or the one that someone is putting at ease?

It's not a literal conversation that I am missing. It's an energy.

Someone has this energy that I long for. When he tells me of his goals and dreams, I am moved by his vision and his goals. His focus, drive and ambition is sexy. He trains and prepares himself like an athelete without ceasing; mentally, emotionally, spiritually. He is deliberate and is a man with a plan. He is such a force of energy that I miss it acutely if I don't hear from him for several days. I feel girlish in his presence. He takes the lead in the conversations that makes me feel like I'm in the presence of power and I feel safe .... He speaks to me as an equal but I feel recognized as a woman. I wish I could enjoy his presence of energy more.

It's strange for me. I have such a strong personality that I feel that I intimidate men generally. And if I don't intimidate them it's because I'm there as someone to give them guidance and help them feel safe. This is a common theme that comes up in conversation with my girlfriends. The dynamics of relating are such that we find ourselves in the care-taking and safety creating position where men feel like emotional weak unmotivated skinbags; teenagers that are always talking about asserting their independence but have no real assertion of who they are.

Perhaps this is what happens in the world with divorce so prevalent. Little boys without a strong male figure grow up only knowing women to be their caretakers. I have girlfriends who's dates ask them to pick them up, guys who can't afford to pay for the date, guys who can barely take care of themselves but will go through great lengths to possess a woman who'll make them feel safe before being a source of strength.

Or maybe this is what happens when women become so independent, seeing the male role as irrelevent... or impossible to fill with a worthy choice. And so children are raised without that voice. Is it a class issue? Where is this world going? Is it a good thing?

I just know how I feel.... in charge by default, the caretaker, the decision maker, dominant, always at focus to make my world and their world safe.. without a real partner, always feeling like the mother and a growing distaste of wanting to become one. The world has enough children....a lot of them are over 20.

What does anyone out there think?


JNET