being strong was not easy today
I could not find a way to console myself today. All the thoughts that I enjoyed in peace and solitude that seemed to hold me together scattered into different directions. Being strong was not easy today.
I sat with my disappointments over false friends. I chided myself for being too forgiving and wanting to believe that people do want to do good. I sat with the fact that my world had been breached by “nice people” who twisted friendship with smiles and flattery but were at a deficit. They needed a safe place to recoup as long as their needs and actions remain unquestioned.
I asked questions. I asked kindly. I said things like… I can afford to love you… but I cannot afford to pay for your life when I needed a friend/roommate to stop needing me to catch her. And I offered her to stay for free in my home… but that I needed to rent the room so that I can have order in my home. And what does my friend do?
She contacted all our mutual friends to vilify me and attempt to slander my reputation. She and her boyfriend evoked the name of God in self-righteous texts and then threatened to go through whatever legal process they could to make sure that I lose my apartment that I’ve been living in since I’ve moved to Los Angeles. She reminded me that it was illegal to sublet to a friend (the building manager knew as well as the property owners were aware). Nonetheless, I found her words unexpectedly mean, threatening and non-christian.
Why? She was a friend that I thought I was being helpful to. I knew she was going through trouble and then she was hit by a car while riding my bicycle. Thankfully, she was okay to walk away. She continued to want to build her life and I thought that was admirable. I loaned her my car to help her get to her doctors appointments. But money…. the rent… she needed subsidizing and I wasn’t in the position to take care of her and myself comfortably.
I asked questions. And the main one of when did she expect the settlements to pay her so that she can truly say her life is in the up and up…. didn’t get answered.
She didn’t want to pay, nor ever planned to, therefore, she scripted a random blow up on an unsuspecting Saturday afternoon, to make an exit.
So today, I sat with the feeling you get when someone you love is someone that never had much love or respect for you in the first place.. I sat with the feeling you get when someone you wanted to give a chance to make good on promises and thanks for your goodwill - instead chooses to insult you and threaten to harm and creates ways to undermine you. I sat with the sadness that comes at seeing that there are betrayals because some people have a history of cutting people off because they aren’t creative enough to be honest or kind and cruelty and apathy is easier for them.
I sat with a sadness that weighed so much that I couldn’t breathe when I gave it a voice and confided my disappointment to a friend.
It was the first time I allowed myself to cry over it since it happened in April. I will not cry over it again. It is midsummer and my “friend” has not returned or made any attempt to reconcile what she has done.
This is the first time I’ve made any mention toward details. I suppose I was hopeful that she would come up with a really cool way to say that she had been un cool and make up for her transgressions. Thank me for protecting her secrets and troubles and saw that I only mentioned something when her life was actually harming me.
How absolutely nonsense of me to think. Huh? I like making room for miracles. As for this last and lost friendship… I am no longer inspired.
I cried for the first time today over it. And now….I’m done.
JNET
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