Prelude

I feel particularly poised for the future like I never had been before.

Living alone is WONDERFUL. I don't think I'll ever do the roommate carousel again. For the first time in my life, I am not finding myself compromised by obligations and needing to navigate through another's emotional weather.

I don't think I've had this much freedom ever. I had no idea how much noise there was until I met with my silence. It's not that I don't like sharing space but it's refreshing to not hear the various drones that had filled my days in the past.... They are all normal "white noise" that has its own comfort level.

"Did you eat yet?" "You should get some sleep." "Are you doing anything?" "When will you be home?" "What are you doing this weekend?" "Can I borrow this?" "Let me tell you about how today was the worst day of my life!" "Let me tell you about this new guy at work..." "Let me tell you about..." yada yada

I am not as patient as other people who enjoy the questions and daily ritual of soap dramas in living color at home. My metronome setting is moderato though I enjoy episodes of adagio and presto. I'm finally free to sit with my own thoughts and rhythm and I like it. I'm not finding myself uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm happy as I've always been and learned that I've been stretching myself in being a source for others.

Tomorrow I am hosting a party with a handful of close friends. I've traditionally thrown big parties in the past. It makes sense that I begin my year with my round table... my royal court...

My kingdom is poised for a good season of strategy and good fortune.

This time to myself that I've been enjoying is just the prelude. I'm looking forward to an exciting 2007.

JNET

Keying Up For The Future

It can be tempting to indulge in frustration.

I sat with my injured leg today and felt like a clipped little bird. My thoughts were trying to have a go at me. With the close of the year coming up, the last thing I want to usher into the new year is an attitude of disappointment.

I decided to read my blog and see where I have been the past two Decembers and cheered myself up. In 2004, I fell in love and fought against being consumed by it. Not being ready to build a serious relationship with another, I was inspired to build a better relationship with myself.

By my sweet catalyst, I became more aware of toxic friendships that were compromising me. In admiring someone special and being honored by him, I became acutely aware of the relationships around me that were taxing me and becoming more agitated as my attentions found peace in enjoying my affections. My true friends rose in support and compassion.

2005, I threw myself into new projects, joined a dance company, took on a coach to help me with my technique in classical piano and wrote more to find my voice. I passed on playing house with my handsome muse. I was not complete with my experience of independence and felt that I would lose my identity in a relationship.

I decided to take on a roommate instead and found that the compromise of personalities wasn't worth having half the rent shared. I managed to keep my independence and my identity but felt like I was going out of my mind living with a person who would say anything to live in my apartment (while sober). We were two different creatures but I learned that I was able to always assert myself in challenging situations. 2006 was a difficult year of growing pains.

I learned that I was ready to drop the roommate dice and play at living with only myself.

I am now more ready to take on the "relationship" conversation. I am no longer concerned that I will lose my independence nor individuality... after having to be strong and maintain myself graciously and with integrity in a roommate situation.

If it is possible to be loving in a relationship where I have no dreams of a future, then I can handle being loving to someone that I really want to build a future with.

I hadn't been living in limbo going nowhere these past couple of years. I've been practicing and I've been creating the necessary clearing I need for a successful and healthful future.

2007 is going to be very exciting for me.

Each year, I find new keys for creating my future. I have no regrets though I miss my muse very much having put him in the background of life to do my life. He likewise, has disappeared into his studies; a Phd in musicology and a master's in math theories keep him busy. Somehow, I believe one of the keys in my future will bring me back to the conversation he and I shelved.

I wouldn't be here without him. He's always been my "why" along these adventures of mine.

JNET

Walking Past the Illusion

The phone rang late last night. A friend was in distress...

In walking through with him and his challenge, the conversation began to swirl around my belief that all things natually lean toward wholeness but sometimes we project ourselves in such a way to negate the inclination.

"Your spine wishing to fuse to your hip bone seems quite surreal, JC. Broken bones heal but unbroken bones acting outside of character tells me that something in not aligned. Perhaps you've been more stationary than ever and your body is trying to accomodate and evolve with a new way of being... thing is, your moving is creating a conflict..."

And my friend's distraction into his pain is not helping his condition. He's panicking. He's 25 and was seeing a future of back surgeries and pain... something that needed to be nipped from his mind.

"JC, you've heard that your body responds to your moods. Are you open to looking into ways you can be a bit more proactive in taking care of yourself? (JC says "yes")... Can you see that your vision of your future, if continually negative, won't allow you to get well?"

"I'm praying so much about this JNET..."

"That's good. Let me help you by sharing how I pray... I THANK God as if everything has ALREADY happened... Thank you, God for the speedy recovery. I am so happy to be designed in such a marvelous way to feel healthy now. I am enjoying doing my martial arts and I'm enjoying taking yoga.... etc... JC, you're going to have to train your body to believe in being well and whole and demand that your body agree with you. It's not going to be easy. The pain will want to distract you."

"I KNOW."

"But you can't be lazy and let your body win. You'll have to keep suggesting to yourself what you ultimately want of yourself."

And so JC was able to go to sleep with some peace of mind and a resolution to take his own thoughts into account...

The conversation did not end there for me... I reviewed some of my own conflicts and came to a response from my "Salt Shaker" entry...

This came in from a stumbler friend:

"If you have a lovely relationship with yourself, that's a gift. It is something you have found, sharing it with another is found in developing a new relationship. .... It doesn't mean you have to give up on yourself; or that you have to be everything for him."

AND I HAD TO WONDER.... perhaps I do glorify my solitude and haven't came up with a clear vision how to consider sharing myself with someone.

I do have a vision. But it is in conflict with some other things that seem to flavor my life with. I would like a boyfriend but haven't met yet a sane single guy that is happy with their life and is looking at sharing it. I keep meeting guys who are already boyfriends to someone else. And the single guys I meet are not happy.

In talking with JC, I wondered if I was a clearing for unavailable guys and single unhappy men. It is what keeps showing up. I found that I needed to get clear of what I'm looking for and distance myself from the "pain"..

Funny, how life comes up with a lesson when you're busy helping someone...

I'm going to start imagining building a wonderful friendship that is happy, romantic, independent and interdependent that's going to develop as beautiful as a dance or a symphony... free from creating sadness in anyone rather... capable of inspiring many... and ever evolving into deeper and profound love....

How's that for a beginning in being specific???

JNET