Crushed Petals

My mother had a habit of saving flowers that had significant meaning to her. I would find the occasionally random flower pressed between pages of a book. It would be a nice surprise and mom would be happy to tell a story about the flower.

It's nice to think of loved ones through the little momentos they leave.

But what do we do with something the opposite of those pressed flowers?

Someone I was dating but did not feel ready to consider for a serious commitment decided to leave behind momentos that do not inspire warm feelings from me. Behind photo frames, he took the time to write hurtful commentary. And very recently, in my own computer, I found that he wrote a journal spanning almost half the year, complaining about me.

And yet, he gave me flowers and smiled and did things that made me feel very surprised to find his terrible thoughts calling me fearful and divided. He was also angry that I take all my friends to my favorite place, the Huntington Gardens because he wanted to call it our place. I've been going there for years with my family and friends....

And then he lists all the things he does for me and the sacrifices he made (though I did not ask) when he took care of me when I was sick. He wouldn't let anyone else take care of me, not even myself.

So instead of having sweet memories during this time while I take some time to myself, I have crushed bitter petals left to be found at random places as I clean and organize my space. In my private space, he did not leave sweet messages to linger over but rather bitter ones.

He left me home with his bitterness. In my solitude, left to wonder what it means.

And yet, he still says his hellos which I find hard to believe....

This is today's message from him:

Whether I'm happy or sad
Being good or being bad
I may be working or playing
Standing still or maybe dancing
It matters not what I do
I'm always thinking of you

Thinking of what? Of crushing my heart to his delight?

Here's a segment of what he left in my computer while taking care of me while sick... Something I never demanded of him....

"June 10, 2009

I had planned to go out and see friends. I cancelled my plans to take care of you because you were sick.

June 11-13, 2009

Still with you. Cancelled appointments and my weekend plans because I wanted to take care of you.

June 14, 2009

Missed the final Laker game. I missed church. All to stay with you."

I want to marry the kindest person I can find. I don't feel like my heart is safe with this one.... I'm sorry to find crushed petals.

JNET

The Sky Suns Me

Would the sky ask the flower to grow yellow instead of pink? Would the sky fault a flower's beauty as a bud? Would a flower find fault in the sky if it had too many clouds or too little?

How patient the sky and flowers are with each another.

If only people can be as complementary to one another.

I enjoy the certainty of love from my friends and my family... where conflicts are weathered as temporary changes of temperature that never destroy gardens. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is as sure as the sun returning after a dance with the clouds.

"The sky suns me." thinks the flower as it breaks through the earth towards the warmth.

"The sky suns me." thinks the flower as it is a seed and doesn't know what it is.

"The sky suns me." thinks the flower while it takes the rain.

Even though it may rain, even though a cold day may stretch a spell, I'd like to feel the way a flower feels about the sky with certainly and affection... the sky suns me. And the gray sky will turn bright again. The flower lets the sky be the sky and the flower gets to enjoy being a flower; growing to bloom season after season.

Is there compromise in being here? Is there any lack of freedom here? Does resentment grow in gardens? Does the sun dream of fencing in the flowers?

Of many people, I think of love like the flower.... the certainty that the sky suns me.

JNET

Facing Sharks

I went on a shark dive while on vacation in Oahu.

M: "Were you afraid?"

JNET: "No."

I suppose it seems like an odd thing to do, getting into a shark cage in the middle of the ocean, considering that I do not even know how to swim.

But then, I did also jump out of a plane and I don't know how to fly.

How can I be afraid?

I knew what I getting into... a plane, a shark cage, the open sky, the ocean. I knew I wasn't exactly being a pioneer. Many others before me had enjoyed skydiving and looking at sharks. Some people loved it so much that they created the opportunity to enjoy these activities.

Though I didn't need to know how to fly or swim to enjoy skydiving or a shark tour, I trusted that no one wanted to deal with drama, dead bodies and lawsuits. I wanted an exciting experience. I wanted something memorable and something worth talking about for many years after that to happen. I wanted the "safe" and "thrilling" adventure they promised I would remember forever.

And I got just that, an experience that I loved, that filled me with awe and reverence, that was thrilling and will be something I will talk or write of for many years to come.

Is it worth the risk - this putting myself in the open ocean or open sky?

Is it worth the risk so to be present to beauty, awe and the sense to be absolutely in love with the present moment???

Risk doesn't have to feel scary. Risk can feel beautiful and delicious :)

JNET

TOASTMASTERS: Playing With My Eyes Closed

How many of you have played games such as "pin the tail on the donkey" or perhaps have been blindfolded to hit a pinata?

"I can do it with my eyes closed."

It's a simple and profound game which my students initiate. They close their eyes and they play something on the piano with their eyes closed and their head held up high. I watch them as they perform proudly.

But is this all child's play, playing pin the tail on the donkey, hitting down a pinata, playing the piano with your eyes closed? How many of you play with life and do things with your eyes shut?

Good evening fellow toastmasters, honored guests, and music students. My name is JNET and this evening I am presenting my 8th speech titled, "Mastery Within the Darkness: A Music Lesson in Seven Minutes. I will be demonstrating my comfort with using visual aids. But before I begin, I put before you a quote to consider as I speak and give you a visual journey,

"It is only with the heart that one sees rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."

So how many of you "play" with your eyes closed? What is it to play in that dark space called your mind? Is it really fun? Or is it scary?

Like the deep end of the pool, so is learning to play and stretch your mind. You are beyond notes and staring at black and white. You are in your head and you are looking for the music in the dark.

What is it like? Well, you have no where to hide your mistakes while on a piano bench. I suppose you can pretend to yourself that you didn't hear that string of terribly wrong notes but most likely you'll press forward and play. And like those other childhood games, press on to get it right. Pin that tail, hit that pinata, make music and get the candy.

Mastery within that darkness in your mind is about playing a game with fear.

When I say fear I do not mean that emotional response to a threat. Come back to me, my student, we are simply on a piano bench. There is no need for your survival mechanisms to rev up. There is no threat of pain or danger.

And yet the fear of making a mistake may inspire one to not play at all or to play stilted.

You can't make music this way and playing Life in this matter will undermine your expression of yourself. Therefore, you practice, you know your material. You don't need to see everything but you need vision in your head and you master the darkness in there.

Playing does get easier with practice and you get move on to more advanced pieces where you still practice in the darkness of your mind.

It's an interesting place to play. How many of you cannot play a sonata? Cannot?

This is my recent sonata that I practiced in Hawaii.

I do not know how to swim but I played out anyway because I wanted to do some underwater photography. I hit a lot of wrong notes and got a lot of blurry pictures as well as bruises from the cage. But I eventually got these shark photos.

My conducting professor, Dr. Cokkinias always postulated..

"Life is about practicing; preparing."

And success follows when opportunity meets with your practice.

"It is only with the heart that the one sees rightly."

You don't need to see everything but you need a vision and start playing. Your heart will not be memorizing your mistakes; it'll keep your vision in sight as you plonk your way through the darkness.

"I'm going to play this amazing piece."

And you have a tiny keyboard at home to practice on. And you only have 10 fingers. That's where Beethoven is gonna come out??? Yes!

Well this is my camera; a humble though cute digital camera. What can I take with this thing?

With practice and this instrument, I've taken these recently at a photo shoot. I am surrounded by talented players. Who are believing in me despite my own personal darkness.

I do not know what an F-stop is. I do not know how to control everything perfectly. I play lots of wrong "notes". But like friends at a party, they smile and laugh, put the bat back in my hand and cheer me on to play.

Do you understand how playing with your eyes closed can be fun? And yes scary but worth every bit of practice.

Will you go now and practice with your eyes closed sometimes? Hold on to the vision in your mind as you practice.

And always, have fun.

Thank you fellow toastmasters and honored guests. Your music lesson is over. Go home now and practice and see you next week.

JNET