Crushed Petals

My mother had a habit of saving flowers that had significant meaning to her. I would find the occasionally random flower pressed between pages of a book. It would be a nice surprise and mom would be happy to tell a story about the flower.

It's nice to think of loved ones through the little momentos they leave.

But what do we do with something the opposite of those pressed flowers?

Someone I was dating but did not feel ready to consider for a serious commitment decided to leave behind momentos that do not inspire warm feelings from me. Behind photo frames, he took the time to write hurtful commentary. And very recently, in my own computer, I found that he wrote a journal spanning almost half the year, complaining about me.

And yet, he gave me flowers and smiled and did things that made me feel very surprised to find his terrible thoughts calling me fearful and divided. He was also angry that I take all my friends to my favorite place, the Huntington Gardens because he wanted to call it our place. I've been going there for years with my family and friends....

And then he lists all the things he does for me and the sacrifices he made (though I did not ask) when he took care of me when I was sick. He wouldn't let anyone else take care of me, not even myself.

So instead of having sweet memories during this time while I take some time to myself, I have crushed bitter petals left to be found at random places as I clean and organize my space. In my private space, he did not leave sweet messages to linger over but rather bitter ones.

He left me home with his bitterness. In my solitude, left to wonder what it means.

And yet, he still says his hellos which I find hard to believe....

This is today's message from him:

Whether I'm happy or sad
Being good or being bad
I may be working or playing
Standing still or maybe dancing
It matters not what I do
I'm always thinking of you

Thinking of what? Of crushing my heart to his delight?

Here's a segment of what he left in my computer while taking care of me while sick... Something I never demanded of him....

"June 10, 2009

I had planned to go out and see friends. I cancelled my plans to take care of you because you were sick.

June 11-13, 2009

Still with you. Cancelled appointments and my weekend plans because I wanted to take care of you.

June 14, 2009

Missed the final Laker game. I missed church. All to stay with you."

I want to marry the kindest person I can find. I don't feel like my heart is safe with this one.... I'm sorry to find crushed petals.

JNET