Breaking Up Part TWO

Friendship break ups have been a common theme this past year. I'm not the only one that anguishes over deliberations of saving or saying goodbyes to friends.

I appreciated the insightful comments to this past week's entry on breaking off friendships:

Hey, it's me, Gordacci. With that name, I sound like a designer handbag. What a great observation and connection between ourselves and the people we attract. "Matching Baggage." It makes so much sense. What we cannot tolerate in others is what is wrong with ourselves. Likewise, what we admire in others is what we like about ourselves.

So whatever comes along and attaches itself, be it temporary or long term, may serve as a mirror to ourselves. We can admire it, change it, drag it along as it is, leave it behind, or clean it, polish it, and make it as presentable as possible.

So if we are mirrors of one another, we reflect our hopes and our insecurities. In friendship we can enjoy the possibilities through our admiration and enjoyment of one another. We find empathy through our sharing and from there ... the strength and focus to rise above self-defeating stories because our friends have slayed certain dragons before us.

There's an affinity that is enjoyed in friendship which a dragon slayer friend of mine referred to:

You're known by the company you keep, and I think it's wise that you surround yourself with relationships where mutual trust, love, empathy and kindness abound.

I have a world that is beyond my ears that listen to a person... I have my creative work, my family and my friends. Generosity in real friendship cannot be measured in dollars... the price is high.. Lending an ear in friendship translates into attention, free time, and physical, emotional, and spiritual energy...


What did I see as the trade off in remaining in unhealthy friendships where someone's baggage takes up all the space in your overhead compartment???

A favorite quote ... I leave as my answer....

JNET

If you live with a cripple,
you will
learn to limp.

Plutarch

I Don't Want to Be Your Friend Anymore.. Am I a Jerk?

I just got off the phone from speaking with Gordini. No, Gordesky didn't want to say bye bye to me. But he's noticing that he wishes he could lose a couple of extra friends that he doesn't want anymore.

Aside from de-cluttering my life and getting more organized, I recently downsized my social circle and I feel loads better.

So Gordonopolous thinks he attracts the funky lot of humanity and they are starting to feel like extra baggage. I told him to try on the perspective that maybe they had matching baggage and that's the attraction.

Friendship by shared drama, pity potlucks, bonding by misery.. Then there's mutually dependent friendships: a needy person finds a person that likes to be useful, a helpless person needs a hero. I'm sure there loads of dysfunctional perfect combinations and lots of people have a favorite drama queen in their circle.

I told Gordacci that maybe he ought to consider what's the winning combination that he's part of and there will be pretty qualities and not so pretty qualities. If he's saying goodbye to them, is he saying goodbye also to himself too and changing. It's one thing to evolve... and it's another thing to play at avoidance.

I said goodbye to a handfull of folks last year. Some goodbyes were very clear. There was a breach of trust and that was an easy distinction from friendly behavior. Some friends had great ambition that I admired... but they were too unfocused, reactive emotionally, consistently flakey, or compromising to a point where I had to "not exist" in order to give them space. These are the friends that meant well but insulted me anyway with their behavior. They had a voracious appetite for energy and I can't say that they contributed much to my life that I don't miss them at all. And conversations were an exhausting merry-g0-round of "you don't care enough about me"... Having lots of other friends where that dynamic of conversation never occured, I had to conclude that taking on friendships that demanded more maintenance and time than I had to give myself was insanity. What is friendship that is demanding and UNinspiring?

What I had initially in common with them was nice but they had a different off ramp and they are going to a different place that I can't call home. And the vision I have for myself is not what they want to call home either... Am I wrong for making obvious the exit to these people?

Well, I can't say that I was a jerk. I lost sleep and spent tears weighing out goodbye and patience. And when I found that I spent so much time and energy over them and found no end to their demands and another round of "this is not fair" and "give me another chance"... I was sad that no real connection to enjoying friendship came.

And so I said goodbye and good riddance.

I didn't want to tolerate behavior in them that I won't tolerate of myself. And friendship is supposed to be fun and fun was NOT happening. I don't care to be in a "matching baggage" friendship club. I want to travel light... I am intending to lose my baggage.

JNET

POEM: Hellos and Goodbyes

What if life is not about the pain and the pleasure and

simply an experience..
whose past moment was the second that winked at you
like the minute before that winked at you
at the blink of an hour

What if life is not about the pain and the pleasure and

simply is an experience
where every pressing moment was like a box of confections
and your nows are indulgent sweet afflictions
waving hellos and saying goodbyes

To possible futures and decontructed tomorrows
whose past moment was the second that winked at you
presenting a box of bittersweet hellos and goodbyes

To smile or frown is
to entertain with your thoughts
a past moment winking at you
and you say your hellos and goodbyes

Copyright ©2005 J. R. Hollyday

"Every act of creation is first an act of destruction."

Pablo Picasso

POEM: Spotlight (Pantoum form)

.
.
at the center of the stage
the lights shining solely on you
in the darkest place to engage
a blinding spotlight cuts the view

the lights shining solely on you
loving silhouettes in horizons afar
a blinding spotlight cuts the view
isolating time to a star

loving silhouettes in horizons afar
admiring shadows on the floor
isolating time to a star
you dream of wanting more

admiring shadows on the floor
from the center of spotlight space
you dream of wanting more
of candles lighting a lover's face

from the center of your spotlight space
a lonely hunger calls out an ironic desire
of candles lighting a lover's face
a song longing for a choir

a lonely hunger calls out an ironic desire
at the center of the stage
a song longing for a choir
in the darkest place to engage

all eyes are full of anticipation
at the center of the stage
smile alone despite spotlight frustration
in the darkest place to engage

a lonely hunger calls out an ironic desire
a song longing for a choir

Copyright ©2005 J. R. Hollyday

On Being Impeccable

I checked Mr Webster and he says that being impeccable is to be free of sin or wrongdoing. I learned the word in high school where I decided to take on “being impeccable”.. as a new practice for living my life.

Without the lofty implications of being free from sin and getting myself into a apologetics debate, I best describe the term in several ways.

Being honest, authentic and free to be fully self expressed that you know where you stand, those around you know where they stand and freedom in relationship is enjoyed.

Being impeccable means also being responsible for one’s words and actions as well as being responsible for one’s lack of words and actions.

Being impeccable means coming from a place of compassion and I suppose if you come from that place; it is a place of no sin and no wrongdoing.

This way of thinking has very positive benefits for myself and those around me. My relationships aren’t left to chance and I have power to be a creating part of my destiny. It doesn’t undermine my faith in life; it builds up my faith. I think it keeps me afloat when life does not present favorable circumstances. It gives me a creative space to invent a life that I can enjoy..

And being impeccable doesn’t necessarily mean being comfortable and living a life that looks like Disneyland… I have a vision that I want for my life and my goal is to live aligned to those values that I keep close to my heart with compassion and mindfulness. Being impeccable also means that I clean up my mistakes and misunderstandings and not hide or hope someone else takes care of things. Being impeccable means that I create communication and clarity in spaces where it was not happening.

Being impeccable in its most basic definition to me means to take responsibility. The beauty of our humanity is that we can make mistakes and rise above them in a way that inspires those around us.

JNET

See more progress on: be impeccable

I Think Of Quitting Every Week

Yesterday, we had a little blow up at dance rehearsal. It was a mere indication of the intensity that is building up and not being recognized. I appreciated the dancer's honesty in sharing her upset. Her dissatisfaction was a common yet unsaid sentiment.

Most of the dancers have been with the company for many years and though a sense of family can be enjoyed.. that sense can only be enjoyed by a small circle and scraps of happiness flows down below the table. Not everyone gets to feel like a favorite pet... some feel like they are being "starved" out..

It is not intentional. From a conversation the other day, I saw a lack of perspective with the company's "sink or swim" philosophy. They are looking for committed people to help put their company on the map.

How many bands out that want people to collaborate and work for free? How many organizations out that want to create solidarity and make a difference and yet create an atmosphere that undermines connection?

I'm the only new girl in the dance company. The last time they had a new person was a couple of years ago. All the "new" people that danced in my intro basics course dropped out and the dance coordinator who wanted to know my opinion probably felt a bit surprised at how I chose to share with her.

I could've said... yeah it's tough but I love it and the girls are great... viola.. end of conversation and she can skip and suck lollipops.. the world is not beautiful if you can't grow your organization... with new people, new perspectives, fresh creativity.

I told her frankly that the "happy family" was not part of my reality. I'm still learning names. A few of the dancers live together and enjoy a community of their own... many others live outside of that cozy reality. I told her that I like what the company stands for and I like the friendships that I'm developing.

I asked her how the company goes about generating the group. What's the leader's vision of the people who have chosen to volunteer their time?

The current gameplan is creating a slow boil of upset. And the sentiment of "this is what happens before every performance" does not come from a very powerful place..

This is not unusual... I've been in shows where directors berated and humilated to get what they wanted out of their performers. I've also been in shows and teams where other approaches where used effectively and creatively.

I think of quitting every week. I can make money during those 9 hours that I commit to rehearsal. I could have time for friends and date... and oh my gosh... maybe have time to have a boyfriend. I probably wouldn't stress as much to pay for life and I would get some loving with the extra amount of time.

But I will not sink because I'm not a quitter. I like to practice mastery and I'm an artist. I want to have more self-expression using another medium and I like what the organization stands for in the community. They have a great vision and they have ambition... Maybe with the girl getting upset the other day, they might learn that everyone in the group also has their own vision and ambition... and maybe from that listening, they'll have new ideas as to how to generate the company of dancers to a new level...

Maybe...

The Crushing Effects of Love

I fell in love last year. Being independent to a fault, I'm battling ways of being that undermine connection.

So when I met (was set-up with) the lattice theory/ music theorist and was charmed by his lack of pretense and intellectual ambition and refreshing silliness, I walked smack into a wall of fear that I didn't see before me. I began losing my words and would be paralyzed into a box of silence. Maybe it was the rounds of name that composer and time signatures... maybe it's terrifying that he seems to be interested in me.

We made it through that silent phase and he was engaged with his doctoral studies. I was able to buy time and figure out what was going on inside of me. That was interesting.

I wrote my mathematican letters from my shadow (jungian) identity to entertain him and give him some insight in who I am. I also wrote him extremely whimsical nonsense just to blast away any notions towards becoming uptight (the inner battle) We became friends.

Learning to identify and distinguish "myself" from my "self-that-trips-me" has been a journey and the pace that my muse and I dance seems to undo the patience of the saints among my friends. I don't know which is more interesting... what I learn about myself or what I learn about my friends in their reactions to this relationship.

The boy-next-door turned into father-knows-best.

Several male friends were surprised and wondered about my "wait two years before I kiss" rule... I think it's easier for them to think that I've lost my mind instead of thinking I've met someone that's caught my eye.

A couple of girlfriends became ex-girlfriends. WEIRD drama that I don't want to elaborate here. What can I say? The Taz Maniacs exist... they are wearing women suits. BEWARE. haha

And yesterday... a male friend calls to yet have caution and to "guard my heart." It's been a year and a half... I have my heart, my mind, my soul and though I appreciate the protectiveness... I wonder where this comes from... I'm having fun with my life... and a lot of it is busy with my own projects as my crush is engaged in the final big quarter of his studies...

The side dramas add to the comedy of life.

A year and a half and I find myself yet "crushing" on the this person who listens to me in a way that distinguishes himself from the others. I thought this crush would go away ...ACHOO... or that we would spin our busy worlds away from one another's orbit.. but somehow through our ways of listening and speaking we create a gravity that continues to surprise me and keep me inspired and interested.

Is this love? Whatever it is... I am enjoying the effect it has on my life.

JNET

Don't Trust A Girl Who Doesn't Have Girlfriends

On several occassions this past week, a few friends gave me a piece of wisdom:

"Don't trust a girl who doesn't have girlfriends."

I am always meeting girls in search of girlfriends. Most of them flake out and don't return calls. I find this absolutely hilarious since they are the same girls who'll rant and complain if a guy doesn't return their call the same day. And there is hell on if you don't call within the same week.

Well the sisterhood is not all lost. I have a posse of girlfriends where I enjoy lots of fun, ranting, raving, being silly, being serious who are loyal friends and great people. And these are the qualities of my closest gal pals and friends in general:

Smart and intelligent
Compassionate and diplomatic
Straight-ahead and no-nonsense
Ambitious and family-oriented
Loyal and beautiful
Committed and easy-going

We read voraciously. We rarely watch television. We enjoy close family communication and live independently and free...affirmed by the life we manifest and supportive to our girlfriends.

The advice of "don't trust a girl who doesn't have girlfriends" came from guys as I entertain the idea of taking in a roommate. Thinking it over, I see the wisdom of it.

A girl without girlfriends may be either mean or needy explaining her lack of gal pals. Girls don't like hanging out with mean girls (unless they are mean too)... and most girls have no patience for neediness... that tests the boundaries of being supportive. It's bad enough when you find yourself playing nursemaid to a boyfriend and those relationship don't last very long (Does the man need a second mother? I think that makes for a perfect co-dependent relationship.)

Most guys with their heads straight on don't like needy girls. Because to participate in a relationship with a needy girl.. you end up being a boyfriend and psuedo-girlfriend... doing EVERYTHING together... not necessarily because you want to do everything together but because you'll get busted if you don't.

I give my best wishes to those wasted princes and hope they don't sink with the gorgeous titanic of neurosis. What is reality when someone's a walking reaction of uncovered and overexaggerated histories????

Maybe I should find a guy roommate?

When I meet a girl, I definitely will ask about her girlfriends now...

JNET

The Buzz of Thoughts

Rent has doubled and I'm enjoying living alone. But it is not an easy endeavor.

I'm in the space between feeling excited and holding my breath and it's somewhat overwhelming. Can I afford living alone?

I met with one prospective roommate to see what's "out there"...

I told her that I work mainly at home. I write. I teach private music lessons.

And what about her? She's a dancer... not the kind of dancing I do where I have a dance director telling me where to move and how to move and when to move. I get to wear beautiful costumes and she.... she gets to wear nothing.

I'm not sure about having her as a roommate though she seems nice. Strangely, all my guys friends advised against it and it was a couple of girlfriends that sided with the "dancer"... calling me judgmental and not open-minded. I don't mind being friends with the girl but I'm not so sure about having her in my living space every day with her "dancer" friends or guys from the club. Since my friend is more "open-minded" I think I'll suggest that she take the girl since she's also looking for a roommate.

I have 4 new students this week. I can feasibly create the income and afford the place but with two weeks to raise rent, I feel a bit intimidated. I really need to work on being braver here. It's worth it to be brave. It's worth it to enjoy independence and privacy. It's worth it to stay here where most my neighbors are friends and I feel safe. This place is my creative space.

I have two weeks to figure it out. I'll figure it out soon enough.

MUSIC: A Great Night at Tangiers

:

I taught until 8:30pm yesterday. I was having tired thoughts around 5pm. But had the conversation in my head of.. “Who’s in charge here?” My friends were playing and I wanted to go see them and my body wasn’t going to best me and make me stay home.

One of my bestfriends from college, Jason, had a gig at Tangiers in Los Feliz with Joe Deveau. Jason's one of my favorite drummers, a great friend and a Scrabble master.

It was a great show. Joe is quite prolific and his talent as a vocalist and keyboardist has won him some acclaim. I love his music and he’s a total sweetheart of a guy who'd volunteer the shirt off his back to polish your specs. The band was on fire the other night. I think the whole room was in the zone with them. They were having a lot of fun on stage and all I can say is they played TIGHT TIGHT TIGHTLY Check out Joe Deveau's website and give his music a listen..

To say the least, I forgot about being tired and got swept up with the exciting music.

I made two new friends, Alison and Emily, both musicians. We already made plans to hang out and see Jason play with the Page Cavanaugh Trio this coming Monday at Charlieo's. We had a hilarious night after Tangiers (beautiful venue) and went round the corner for a late night meal and shared our secrets of Los Angeles short-cuts to bypass freeways and places to check out for food and drinks. Everyone has a mad sense of humor... together we were an orchestration of organized chaos.

Got home by 2am. A lot less tired than I felt at 5pm…and had a great evening.

JNET

See more progress on: Make new friends

Getting Over Myself

I woke up at 7:45 and went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 10:30. I had a good practice night after a crazy teaching schedule.... where I taught all day, missed lunch, taught through to the evening. I didn't have any food until after 9pm. I guess I'm doing alright. I had managed coaching seven students, met a new parent who had been waiting for weeks to tell me that she would like her son to study with me and had heard good things of me (that made me feel special) I had been too focused to feel hungry. I didn't have time to get into a bad mood.

My schedule this week is really all over the place. A dozen of my students decided to play musical time slots with my life.... they have no idea how it turns my life upside down... Did I also mention that 6 students took the summer off? My income has taken a roller coaster ride... thank God that I've kept my economic options open. I've been growing my residual income base steadily.... that I'm venturing into saying goodbye to roommates and living in the luxury of solitude.

I hope to brave that option. I'm enjoying knowing that my stuff here is completely all mine. I can make the other bedroom into an office / guestroom. Woo hoo... Am I turning into a grown-up?

Anyway, I got up and practiced for a bit and then enjoyed my garden for a bit (watered and cleaned) and stopped when I found a dead mouse... EWWWWW that I will have to get the building manager to look after.

I wrote to BooGuru, who's moved into the USC library. I haven't seen him in a month! He's been busy composing, writing and studying. I wish I was a book or his guitar. He doesn't even have time to relax and dream so he's left the vacation planning to me. He's made some initial reservations for Disney World...

J called to treat me out to lunch. We went to our favorite spot where we usually gab once every other week about boyfriends, business and life in general.

Practiced some more after lunch and packed up my costumes and props for dance rehearsal. I taught a couple of lessons en route... My nerves had a grazing when a three year old brother of my student threw a tantrum because he wants piano lessons too. He had a screaming fit outside of the room for which I had no idea. I learned before leaving...

his mom requested that I assess her son and see if he can have a start on music private lessons.

I had a stressful drive in traffic to get to rehearsal at Venice from Beverly Hills. I felt like I NEEDED a glass of wine to unravel. But someone brought a chocolate cake whose calories we burned right away doing ritual dances that comprise the first act of the show. I am enjoying the tribal stuff... such particular walks and stances and then I get to be the girl at the altar shaking branches blessing the dancers as they circle around me and the other guy with me... I guess we are the high priest and priestess of this scene...

Rehearsal got out at 10pm. I went home and cleaned a little of my ex-roommate's room. I don't know if she's going to come over soon to take care of it... She said she would but I have a feeling that life is just going to swallow her up and so I might as well try to make a go at cleaning. Hopefully, she'll become available to help patch up the walls and paint... I cleaned and then practiced the "suite bergamasque" that I'm enjoying working on and a little bit of albeniz's "iberia".. specifically the "evocacion"... Spanish Classical Piano is becoming an addicting passion.

Things that I am proud this week:

I enjoyed my personal practice time.

I enjoy teaching despite challenges in scheduling, income, and drama.

I am present to the fact that my students love their lessons and their parents respect me and are supportive of their children's commitment to learning making the hard times worth it... Who they are to me also helps generate the teacher that I am....

I got over my upset that my ex-roomie may not keep her word and decided to clean her room anyway... Since I'm the only one capable of making me happy, I can't expect to wait on her for my happiness....and I want the room so I can make my office and motivate myself even building my business and teaching practice more to afford the place to my self.

I have two new students to begin in the next week.

I enjoyed dance rehearsal and feel like I'm getting caught up a bit more... thanks to the time the seasoned dancers set aside to help refine my moves.

I like seeing my new "office" come to life.

AND I'm excited that BooGuru wants to go away together. It was very surprising ... and I love surprises.

JNET

August: A New Chapter

Laurelwood life is a new canvas.

With the new month, I'm commiting myself to bringing my discipline up a notch. Having the apartment all to myself will be an opportunity for me to get things in order.

I've been so naughty lately drinking "sugar-coated belly wash". I've sworn off soda and will get into a habit of baking if I want my goodies. I hope to remember. I almost bought a fun bottle of fizzy at the market today.

I'm also going to fast and drink more juice and water and keep my meals light until after 6pm. I'll make allowance for the occassion to be with a friend during lunch especially on dance rehearsal days. I will need to eat on days that I'll be especially physically on the go. I figure if I can exercise my powers of self-control at a higher level, I can take on some bigger things with more grace.

So at a healthy distance, I am placing all those mind-altering, mood swinging sugar, caffeine, alcohol and what-nots for me to smile at and say... "I'm in control here."

I will accept chocolate and cookies as gifts :) though I already have enough in... my gift rations should last through the month...

My night owl days need better structure so that I can meet the goals I've set for myself in my writing. I've been having too many restless evenings of mindless wander and whimsy. I could just kick myself. I haven't even written a poem in so long. I used to write a couple a week.

I could continue envisioning myself with disdain, but I think I'm exhausting myself over nonsense that takes up time from being in action.... Thinking in the realm of guilt takes up too much energy.

the game plan of august IS

Being in Action... I want to wake up the next morning and be able to think... wow, I did that yesterday? that's great! And it's not about turning into a hyper-type A, rather I want to approach time with a sense of opportunity to create an expression of myself and not throw away or let it drip drip drip and evaporate before me... not that I'm like that a lot.. .there's room for improvement and getting more aligned with myself.

I'm even interested in seeing where my break-downs and "forgetfullness" will occur... what kinds of stretches I'll allow myself, etc.

And in the clearing, I wonder what Life will open up into if I do become better disciplined, organized, and intentional. so many possilbilities....

I love my life.