I Think Of Quitting Every Week

Yesterday, we had a little blow up at dance rehearsal. It was a mere indication of the intensity that is building up and not being recognized. I appreciated the dancer's honesty in sharing her upset. Her dissatisfaction was a common yet unsaid sentiment.

Most of the dancers have been with the company for many years and though a sense of family can be enjoyed.. that sense can only be enjoyed by a small circle and scraps of happiness flows down below the table. Not everyone gets to feel like a favorite pet... some feel like they are being "starved" out..

It is not intentional. From a conversation the other day, I saw a lack of perspective with the company's "sink or swim" philosophy. They are looking for committed people to help put their company on the map.

How many bands out that want people to collaborate and work for free? How many organizations out that want to create solidarity and make a difference and yet create an atmosphere that undermines connection?

I'm the only new girl in the dance company. The last time they had a new person was a couple of years ago. All the "new" people that danced in my intro basics course dropped out and the dance coordinator who wanted to know my opinion probably felt a bit surprised at how I chose to share with her.

I could've said... yeah it's tough but I love it and the girls are great... viola.. end of conversation and she can skip and suck lollipops.. the world is not beautiful if you can't grow your organization... with new people, new perspectives, fresh creativity.

I told her frankly that the "happy family" was not part of my reality. I'm still learning names. A few of the dancers live together and enjoy a community of their own... many others live outside of that cozy reality. I told her that I like what the company stands for and I like the friendships that I'm developing.

I asked her how the company goes about generating the group. What's the leader's vision of the people who have chosen to volunteer their time?

The current gameplan is creating a slow boil of upset. And the sentiment of "this is what happens before every performance" does not come from a very powerful place..

This is not unusual... I've been in shows where directors berated and humilated to get what they wanted out of their performers. I've also been in shows and teams where other approaches where used effectively and creatively.

I think of quitting every week. I can make money during those 9 hours that I commit to rehearsal. I could have time for friends and date... and oh my gosh... maybe have time to have a boyfriend. I probably wouldn't stress as much to pay for life and I would get some loving with the extra amount of time.

But I will not sink because I'm not a quitter. I like to practice mastery and I'm an artist. I want to have more self-expression using another medium and I like what the organization stands for in the community. They have a great vision and they have ambition... Maybe with the girl getting upset the other day, they might learn that everyone in the group also has their own vision and ambition... and maybe from that listening, they'll have new ideas as to how to generate the company of dancers to a new level...

Maybe...