The Crushing Effects of Love

I fell in love last year. Being independent to a fault, I'm battling ways of being that undermine connection.

So when I met (was set-up with) the lattice theory/ music theorist and was charmed by his lack of pretense and intellectual ambition and refreshing silliness, I walked smack into a wall of fear that I didn't see before me. I began losing my words and would be paralyzed into a box of silence. Maybe it was the rounds of name that composer and time signatures... maybe it's terrifying that he seems to be interested in me.

We made it through that silent phase and he was engaged with his doctoral studies. I was able to buy time and figure out what was going on inside of me. That was interesting.

I wrote my mathematican letters from my shadow (jungian) identity to entertain him and give him some insight in who I am. I also wrote him extremely whimsical nonsense just to blast away any notions towards becoming uptight (the inner battle) We became friends.

Learning to identify and distinguish "myself" from my "self-that-trips-me" has been a journey and the pace that my muse and I dance seems to undo the patience of the saints among my friends. I don't know which is more interesting... what I learn about myself or what I learn about my friends in their reactions to this relationship.

The boy-next-door turned into father-knows-best.

Several male friends were surprised and wondered about my "wait two years before I kiss" rule... I think it's easier for them to think that I've lost my mind instead of thinking I've met someone that's caught my eye.

A couple of girlfriends became ex-girlfriends. WEIRD drama that I don't want to elaborate here. What can I say? The Taz Maniacs exist... they are wearing women suits. BEWARE. haha

And yesterday... a male friend calls to yet have caution and to "guard my heart." It's been a year and a half... I have my heart, my mind, my soul and though I appreciate the protectiveness... I wonder where this comes from... I'm having fun with my life... and a lot of it is busy with my own projects as my crush is engaged in the final big quarter of his studies...

The side dramas add to the comedy of life.

A year and a half and I find myself yet "crushing" on the this person who listens to me in a way that distinguishes himself from the others. I thought this crush would go away ...ACHOO... or that we would spin our busy worlds away from one another's orbit.. but somehow through our ways of listening and speaking we create a gravity that continues to surprise me and keep me inspired and interested.

Is this love? Whatever it is... I am enjoying the effect it has on my life.

JNET