Have you ever felt like you've woken up from a foggy nightmare only to realize that everything terrible that you've dreamed of did happen and that your waking moments were burdened by the weight of the experience?
Yet somehow, you had the tiniest bit of sense that you had to snap yourself out of a hypnotic, soul deadening way of being lest you lose yourself, living your days on a slow death march.
I used to.....
I can fill the blank with many many things.
I used to sing. I used to dance. I used to write. I.........
My mind was filled with dizzying thoughts and fancies that I had to write, perform, do something to express that fervor for living.
And then I found myself silent.
Call it the fortress walls, the defense shields. I placed all energy and trust into a protective system while I worked on restoring myself. Time passed and I found that though I felt safe and parts of my world yet thrived; I was dying.
Wait... didn't my friends call me warrior?
Vague memories of bright yesterdays bank about a head that feels like swiss cheese. I cannot rely on my friends or family to break the codes that will free me. Loved ones are always there like guiding stars. We all have our guiding stars. Yes? And at the helm directing our feet forward and our thoughts beyond us, its simply you.
What say you captain?
What shall I tell myself?
I feel as brilliant as a brillo pad...and just as cute.
For now, I sleep walk. Half awake, half asleep and weighed by a nightmare.
I don't remember how to be alive.
So I've returned to the beginning; to my first blog post. Like a baby, I've put my feet upon the feet that knows how to walk. I will use words that I once used so that I may find my voice again.
The future begins here....
I'm waking up...
JNET
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