Defying Downward Spirals

It's Friday and I feel a bit wiped out. A busy weekend stands before me and all I can think about is how to power relax and deal with an overwhelming sense of feeling a bit blue despite my red dress disposition.

So much to look forward to this weekend... Like every weekend, I have commitments. Last time a shooting class at the firing range.. this time a fighting class to check out Krav Maga... then straight to a salon to follow a model and take pictures before going on set in Whittier. Meanwhile, I have a friend visiting from Florida... socializing and fun times will stretch into the late evening and spill on to Sunday.

Sunday, I plan to make it to church. I need a dose of amen because though I have so many fun things that fill my day including my teaching practice through out the week and three midnight podcasts to host over the week, I've been feeling flat and a shade of indigo.

I seem to have booked my self into a space where I have to rigorously own my quiet times in a minute corner from activity and I learned something really interesting this week during a downstream glide down my downward spiral...

I'm paying the cost of restlessness and painting myself different shades of blue...

You would think that affording time to be alone engenders peacefulness... Who out there longs for quiet, or solitude, or having less obligation taking over personal time? I enjoy the luxury of solitude but time alone is not always time spent well.

Am I missing something these past couple of weeks, having spent many late nights with friends celebrating and extending my birthday celebration? Late nights are not a rare thing for me, I noticed that my moods have been feeling tried and compromised lately, that I began wondering and wandering into my restlessness.

If I am not missing something than perhaps I have something different going on that is draining me of my pep and bubble. So many thoughts to consider... I let myself go rampant.

You might as well put weights in my shoes.. I tried on many thoughts. I went through the "something is wrong with me and my life" conversation... to the "what ought I be thinking about so that I can make some modifications in my life"... to "I missed spending more time with myself to practice or write blues"...to... remembering that I had been dealing with allergies and living a zombie evening existence on allergy medicine.... And "maybe I'm sick and tired and need a vacation"...

I finally arrived to.....

"wow... so this is what happens when you have a busy lifestyle and you stop going to yoga class"... I haven't gone to class in a couple of weeks. I usually go three times a week. Thankfully, I stopped beating myself up and ruminating on things to find wrong with myself or my life... I made a decision: I am to get myself to a yoga class.

Imagine if I never got to the yoga argument and was not able to forgive myself... My restless meandering thoughts could've gotten stuck in a nasty ditch. Somewhere within my week, I became aware that I didn't feel happy and energetic and sought to pull myself together, at first for my work and then for my friends whose company dots my schedule.

Last night, I considered taking a nap... 10 minutes before my podcast was meant to be aired but showed up anyway. I opted to not share my terribly taxing thoughts with my friends. I've moved forward but will marinate a few thoughts before I do anything rash.

Until then.... must get to yoga class...

PHOTOS: My Metal Dimension

You might have just as well put me away into a box... a metallic ugly box...

My perspective of myself needed alignment, afterall, they were JUST braces. And though I wore them for only 10 months and suffered very little physical discomfort compared to my teen counterparts, my vanity was in pain. I was a grown adult in ortho anti-fashion; braces.

Some days I managed to keep my cool cute. Most days I fought with myself for being so shallow.

They finally came off, two days before my birthday, just in time to celebrate and not be self conscious of a metallic smile. But I fluctuate in battling habit and unconsciously smile awkwardly under phantom braces. I'm bouncing between the space of shy and not shy.

If only I was as accepting as my friends and family of my metal stage than I was of myself. Hip Los Angeles doesn't exactly embrace the extra bling. My friends did their best at encouraging me and their words made them less "visible" as I forgot them while being distracted in the moment.

I beat myself up in my vanities despite compliments and encouragements. The braces are gone but I can see that I am still beating myself up over imperfectations I wish I could remedy faster at a yoga class or through a vitamin. It's nonsense. But its true nonetheless that what I see in the mirror is different from what everyone seems to be looking at.

I'd like to break out of this box someday. My metal dimension has melted into the past and I am now aware of my self-critical eye.

JNET

PHOTOS: The Silence of Me

My life is a constant celebration of challenge and thankfulness that it only makes sense that the parades and toastings meet their balance in the silence that is me.

My birthday this year has been phenomenal thus far... the challenges that are put up against my heart makes me wonder if I will burst. My car is broken and stalled in San Diego and I am using my mother's car in the meantime. Mom just had surgery and is on the mend staying with my brothers. She was having a terrible time over it and was awful to take care of over Mother's Day Weekend... She's much better now but not without jumping some hurdles.

Romancing LA is now podcasting 3 midnights a week at blogtalkradio so that I may practice more rigorously my public speaking skills while balancing out my teaching practice and personal fun time on a pin. I have yet to grow my discipline with writing... to eventually publish that book of mine.

Laughter... and lots of it personify the spirit of my family and friends. There's not much room for misery even though there are cars to fix and bills to pay. The sudden advances of a friend from the past caught me off guard but the attentions of XYZ trump all efforts.

I've face painted, danced, toasted, played and power relaxed in spaces of minutes in order to fit everything in... that it comes as a welcome haven to meet my silence once again to write, play the piano, nap, garden and reflect to catch my breath.

I miss no one when I dive into the depth of my thoughts. Today is Monday, May 19th and I am enjoying the first day of silence to myself for the month. My greatest memories are appreciated when the parade is allowed to quiet itself down and enjoy thankfulness in silence.

JNET

Super Girl Solitude

While others look forward in anticipation of upcoming events and occassions, I look forward to my next occassion to be alone.

I have a date with myself on Monday at 1am. To be alone again is an EVENT in itself.

ONE A.M. is when I'll have completed podcasting for the evening... prior to podcasting, I'll be dancing and taking a salsa class with friends, before dancing, I'll be modeling for my photographer friend and taking a few pix myself ;)

My "priors" and "befores" do not end there...

Prior to helping my friend with her photography class homework, I'll have attended a self-defense/fighting class for 3 hours... I'll have waken up, fed and dressed myself by 8am in order to commute to my class. I'm sure you all think.. soo what? It's an active life and waking up to get to a morning class that I get to attend for free..is no big deal... She'll be on the fast train until 1am.. How fun!

As it is, I am writing on stolen time. I ought to be cleaning the apartment because I'm having a birthday party and 30 of my fun and favorite people are coming over for a be silly "rock out your pajamas" party. The party begins at 7pm and will be my photography project... We will dance, play music, we will eat and laugh, we will drink and it will be fireworks of happiness in the house.

Afterall there is no way to feel uptight in flannel or in the company of happy people in bling'd up, rocked out pajamas.

I will try to make sure to make my power nap superpowerful to make that 9am class.

Making mental notes ...

Monday, May 19th at 1am. That will be the first time that I can afford to be absolutely selfish with myself and be able to relax and reflect again... Saturday is full of giddy party energy... Sunday is concentrate and learn work energy... very physical...

I'll return to my silent space soon enough after being at top speed... I'll have no appointments until late Monday afternoon then. It will be my time to let my thoughts wander and allow myself to be lazy with wonder again.

Until then, I steal moments at the piano to forget time and myself... and write.

Stolen pleasure of the day... I enjoyed a lunch in silence and laughed with my thoughts.

How I love my world and all the people in it... the laughter, the noise, the music, it is all like champagne..

In the small gaps of solitude, I'll care for my garden, clean my space, pay my bills, run errands to the store and banks, sit at the park, or catch up with a friend on the phone (very rarely though... I am too busy and distracted to even sit at the phone for any length of time)..

My world is full of wonderful people whom I enjoy getting to learn and know...
the world I run to go home to... to listen and learn more of is returning to my self.

I don't think my super girly ness would quite work if I didn't have my super girl solitidue.

Party at 7pm tonight... My girl friends are picking me up at 1pm to take me to the beauty salon for some down girl chat time.. We will be done by 3pm.. leaving 4 hours to prep and clean.. and dress up.

Meanwhile I write on stolen time.. I steal a song at the piano... minding that the place needs to be ready and my party smile on the go at a moment's notice...

ONE a.m. Monday... will be all about ME... and being still..

JNET

Living The Super Girl Life

It's my birthday week and the champagne toast life has bumped up a notch.
Life is dizzying full and bubbly.

As if it is enough that I am podcasting Romancing LA THREE midnights a week... and teaching my private students and enjoying my piano practice... as if it is enough that I want to go dancing at least twice a week to practice my salsa chops, make time for friends and family while juggling visits to yoga and pilates..

And it is enough.

I am enjoying it all. From facing off and laughing with mom over the tensions of taking care of her since her surgery, to chasing two year old nieces and nephews with tickles.. The parents' praise and the rocky practice paths of my students make for my work into play. And late nights followed by naps make waking into the next day an adventure.

A happier adventure still if I remember to keep a full glass of water near by all the time, make sure my cell phones has enough bars, and be ready to switch ON at moment's notice though I crave solitude and silence but find the shiny moment hard to resist.

I feel like I am juggling power saws. Being in the given moment makes for intense living and every conversation lives in the space between vaudeville and divine.

A new look gains new attention. The braces are gone as of Monday and I have a smile I am more confident with and the world seems to be staring at me sometimes. Friends from years back have floated into my world and new friends inspire me to dream of futures.

Since the strike of midnight onto my birthday the celebrations and blessings have poured. Countless toasts have been made, and laughs to make my sides ache create new muscles. They continue yet... beyond the spaces of time where I steal away to write. I feel like I'm living the super girl life.

JNET