Warming Up to Life

Tomorrow... my goal is to spend as much time by myself as possible. I miss ME.

I teach a lesson in the morning and straight afterwards I've been requested to check upon a piano that my student's mom is considering to purchase... I am hoping to spend some time with Beethoven in the afternoon and work on the 3rd movement as well as polish "Big My Secret"...

I'm sitting in my habitual deep freeze mode. When I'm finally at a final stretch on meeting a goal, I find that I lose my wind. Having a coach to study my piano pieces with makes that habit really stand out to me. I have a witness that sees me do my funny thing as I work on de-programming my deep freeze program.

I've been given an opportunity to stake my claim in working my music and writing skills. I've chosen to take it on... I'd like to find different realms to deprogram myself within (getting control of those emotional babies called Fear and Insecurity).. having a supportive mentor to coach the possibilities within me is exciting... Already, I'm feeling the slowing effects of fear but I show up anyway. Making sense of the dynamics and learning the "new dances" within television and film will be an adventure.

I recently read that...

"The secret of life... is to fall seven times and get up eight times."

I'll be fine... I BOUNCE!

As I "warm up" to life by taking on more projects, taking care of life... I think I just may be ready to take on the world of relationships at a new level. I suffer from "deep freeze" through many aspects of my life and find myself between feeling frustrated and feeling apathetic.

And then I wake up from my "fall" and get up again to take on what I've set out to do...

It is unbelievably easy to check out of the game with excuses or justifiable reasons. I'm becoming more aware of myself and of those moments when I feel captured. Choosing to define the moment with MY CHOICE despite mysel makes for an interesting game of life.

I may be exploring A LOT about right now... it is not without surpassing fields of fear.

And so grows on JNETSWORLD.

JNET

WORD UP: The Darkside of Christmas

I enjoyed being with my family. I enjoyed spending time with friends. Despite all the holiday cheer, laughs, food, and decoration, I still experienced a keen poignancy of sadness.

K calls it my artiste malaise. It laps against the shore of my faith. It's a strange place from where I find emotion come from... call it my reality... a foreign thorn that finds me grieving a world that I witness from a little corner.

Christmastime happens to be one of those holidays that has me sitting in this corner. Perhaps one day I'll reconcile myself with it and the holidays will make better sense to me but until then.. I am working on it and the day when I'll know how to claim it for myself.

Isn't Jesus the reason for the season? Isn't the spirit of Christmas about celebrating the birth of a savior king?

Yes.. yes.. of course... of course...

There are those intelligent ones that will bring up that December 25h isn't the real birthday and that the Christians had superimposed themselves upon what was once a pagan holiday to celebrate the winter solstice. And though it is refreshing to meet up with a consciousness that is not being taken with the wave of the masses so readily... it is not a good thing to meet with the smirkness on a reality that bends people out of shape.... or delights.

The tradition of trees in the house came from an early worship of the evergreens during winter for they were thought to have magical powers able to thrive in the snow and harsh weather. The twelve days of Christmas are a play on the winter festivals where people used to celebrate and party hard to punctuate the terrible weather with over-the-top fun... Animals were sacrificed and feasted upon and it saved on feeding another animal through a scarce season... Yule logs burned and people celebrated at the fire with lots of drink... and what was brought to the fire wasn't always animal...

We eat gingerbread men cookies as a reminder of the good ole secular days. A study of the way secular society celebrated in days gone shows how witch burnings came about. Coliseums cheering with people enjoying lions as they fed on the early Christians...and people of Israel...

It was an interesting idea to take on the winter festivals and tame them. The early Christian settlers had tried to outlaw the festival in an attempt to separate study of faith from secularized Christianity... but that is a hard ball to stop rolling... hundreds of years of Roman civilized ingenuity and traditional entertainment... It is like ending the Superbowl... some things that unite people are too pervasive to end...

My how we have evolved?

Indulgence has always been the spirit of these ancient festivals and the innocent were slaughtered to feed fires... literally and proverbially.

Will secular society triumph in diluting the faith community? The machinery had been set ages ago... Will the modern religion of fashion and hipness overtake the spirit of celebrating the new life of a forgiven life leaving the residue of wantoness, loneliness and guilt? Will expectations overtake action in healing society and jade us all eventually?

The dark side of Christmas is really about the dark side of our humanity that troubles me...a blindness that we don't articulate enough to search for light ... to create light.

The reason for living is to celebrate the light of the world that has been brought to us... an eternal reason to adore life and choose life. And that reason extends beyond December 25th and the season...

A long time ago, someone thought that it would be a good idea to bring that light to a dark side of our humanity... it is still a competiting dynamic...

I'll choose life... I'll choose God. I'll choose hope, peace and love... I'll have my sad moments knowing that ignorance and hate finds space to delight... But I won't ever offer myself as a sacrifice upon their Yule log.

JNET

12.22.05

Leading the introspective life in restraint of emotional excess is not a life void of love or passion.

"Life is a comedy for those who think

and a tragedy for those who feel."

Horace Walpole

The topic at the dinner table last night was "leading with your heart" versus "leading with your head." What defines how you are doing what? Who is to say they are exclusively separate ways of coming to a decision? Seeing that emotions can be indulgent and demanding, how can one say that they are on the path of truth and free of ego?

I know a boy who is always in love with a new girl each week. I know a girl who falls in love every few months. They both get engaged in relationships that consume them and then fall out of love and are next considering a new adventure. I have a difficult time keeping up with their lastest crush.

I've only considered ONE relationship to pursue since I've graduated from high school. And that is the mathematician. I've only one crush since grade school... and that is the mathmatician.

I sometimes wish I could "fall in love" every few months and be excited about a new person but that has never been the case.... except for the mathematician. He has been the invisible current that has inspired a great deal from me... If I was a different sort of girl, maybe we would have followed one of many formats....dinners, movies, drinks... blah blah blah.

That would consume a lot of time.

I couldn't play my life that way only to start another repetition of intense dramas and then no enduring friendship to speak of afterwards. It is perhaps another style of living and it works for people who are more "feely feely," suited to a more tactile experience and in need of possession or in need to be possessed. I don't know. Most of my failed relationships of yesterday are my successful friendships that endure today.

What does falling in love every few months or weeks offer? I don't have the patience to give myself over to that and I don't think my mathematician has such impulses either...

I wouldn't have been able to dance, work on my writing or music, or been part of the things I am involved with today that is important to me right now. He wouldn't be involved with his work at school and the embassy. And he is up to more things than I.

We're up to experiencing life and growing up within our respective worlds...

To be compelled to follow the other format works for a lot of people but it doesn't work for my path. It may seem odd. We may seem cold. It is demanding in some respects and every bit as vulnerable as love should be, teaching lessons on patience, trust, kindness.

Love is more than just companionship, an excuse to explain a relationship pulse and a sure date.

It is not about "a relationship".... it is about a relationship to life and with life.

JNET

"How can there be any questioning of acquiring or possessing

when the one thing needful for a man is to become -

to be at last and to die in the fullness of his being."

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Blame It On The Bunny

How's this for a close up on the bunny? She is happily hopping around as I sit on my floor with my laptop next to the Christmas tree.

What a day! What a week! What a month! What a year!!!!

My schedule is so turned around. I have been getting to bed by 6am... up and on the go again by 11am.

This particular week has been full of bittersweet moments. Since I live in my head mostly, it was interesting to find myself "feeling" stuff this week.

Maybe I'm emotional this week because I'm experiencing my allergic reactions to the bunny. Within an hour of cuddling and petting this fluffy bundle, I was sneezing and hugging a roll of toilet paper like we were best friends. But the bunny is soooo adorable... it's CRIMINAL!

So instead of sitting in my suffering and sneezing, I've decided to enjoy her irrestible effect upon me despite myself... and her visit seems to have coincided with a lot of emotional brainstorming within me.

I'm cruising on the edge of my brain and haven't gotten too soft and "feely feely" but I'm keenly aware that I feel more emotional than usual.

Like "giddy-ness" over text messages from the boy in Switzerland. We were hanging out for only a week and I thought he'd forget about me by now. Well there's two weeks before ABC returns and I can fit a lot of life in two weeks. I wonder if he'll still be texting his cute messages... He is catching my attention.

But then there's my epic crush with the mathematician who's presence takes the ground away from me and fills me with intense confusion because I go onto emotion overload working desperately to keep my cool when I'm around him. Even thinking about him sometimes sends me out to orbit... working keeps me sane and its a good place to put this intense energy. I experience intense "sentiments" towards him and yet relief that he is busy with his studies. I guess if I had to be straight, then I must say that I have a lot of love, passion, nervousness and relief in my thoughts over him. His intellect rigor is ... all that...

ABC is a different type of intrigue that I have no conclusions as of yet though... we shall see...

Not too many people get my interest. Two boys... it's quite a record. I thought I was impervious to "love stuff."

So that is the good and insane love stuff that I'm enjoying on the edge of my brain... probably due to an allergic reaction to the bunny.

D. invited me to join him at a funeral this morning. I was caught off-guard. It's not the kind of thing you get asked to everyday. It was his co-worker's wife's funeral... someone who died after losing a battle to cancer.... Right after requesting me to accompany him, he put me on hold because one of his co-workers was on the other line to see if he was going... While he took that call, I felt like I could turn into a puddle.

I had been hanging out in my garden, watering the plants in gorgeous 70's warm weather when I was struck with a grey cloud. When he got back on the line, I told him I couldn't do and didn't care to go to anyone's funeral except my own. I told him I've only been to one funeral and that was my dad's when I was 12 years old. I still remember it so much that I hate to be in limos.

I told D. that I didn't think this was my week to get complete with my funeral issues.

So that comes to TWO deaths that I came across this week.... A's grandmother died yesterday and today a funeral was going on that D. knew of.

Those were my extreme low points of this week. I had other lows and other highs but what can I say.... all these fluffy emotions... where are they coming from???

I'm choosing to blame it on the cute bunny that I'm going to pet and kiss and sneeze over. Next week when she goes back to N. it will be another different and wonderful world... such that life is.

Achoo!

Life is short. Enjoy it. And call your grandmother.

This is an eclipse shot from one of my favorite movies "Baraka"

If you like to travel, you will be blown away by the gorgeous cinematography taking you through SIX different continents. The images are awe-inspiring and the music (sigh)... divine.

I had attended a screening some time ago with the composer available for Q & A afterwards. He described his vision to create a world music symphony. If you haven't seen it yet, I cannot recommend it enough. Art theaters tend to show it every year...

ANYWAY... I bring up this image because it has been an intense day. I didn't get to bed until 6am. I had made the mistake of having a soda during the day and the caffeine kicked my butt until dawn.

I was up by 10am. The bunny that I am babysitting had broken out of her cage. I found her hopping joyfully through-out the apartment. And every single one of my students cancelled for the day over illness and whatnot. Blast, I'm already losing half my income for the month due to the season.

I decided to practice with the extra time before my own lesson.. (I finally have the Beethoven 2nd movement under my fingers and I dove into dissecting the 3rd)... and I did some Christmas shopping. I don't like feeling ill over money and the holidays. My teaching practice WILL pick up after the new year and I do have others streams of income. My whole game for the month is to not get overwhelmed by the bumps or I won't be able to generate myself for any of my creative and business endeavors.

A. got called into work for an emergency (in New York) seems like the place is going crazy with the transit employees going on strike. What a perfect week to make a national statement. A. of course, couldn't show up for work. She's just moved to Los Angeles! And then to top it off, her grandmother died today. The poor girl... She has just left for work because today is meant to be her last day there and she also wanted to say goodbye before moving on to her other projects. She was torn and didn't know what to do. I offered to cancel my evening commitments to sit with her but she needed the distraction of work. The poor girl...

I felt devastated with her for a while. I'm going to call my grandmother to tell her I love her and tell her that she MUST take good care of herself because I think it would be cool to have her around for MY babies... when I finally get around to getting married and having babies.

Meanwhile, I have my writing, a bunny on the loose, my students all over the map, my schedule upside down, Christmas with family in San Diego, a guest coming in from New Zealand after Christmas and a New Year's Eve party to plan.

And in the boy front..... My mathematician is stuck under a barrage of books and paper and my Swiss crush is freezing himself for Christmas in the Alps.

Otherwise, life is great.

It is a full on experience. It's a good thing I like roller coasters. I am just trying to coast through the lighter moments to make it through the rest of the year's ride.

Is it just us here... or is life intense out THERE where you are too???

JNET

My Biggest Fan

I had my Monday confab night with the galpals to iron out the kinks in our minds in true femme style with a couple glasses of wine in order to meander a couple of hours through our thoughts...

Also known as girl talk....

I shared that I learned one of my greatest lessons breaking off a relationship...

He (we'll call Mr. OK) wasn't pleased with my decision to be friends considering that he was going on how he "loved me," thought I was great and would always tell me that he was my "biggest fan."

Despite saying that he "loved me," he also told me that he thought I was incredibly arrogant and worried why I wasn't compelled on to getting committed, rushing to the altar so to make babies and get on with real life..... never mind my ambitions... the only thing that should matter is LOVE.

Since I was saying "PASS" on his "opportunity" he thought there was something incredibly wrong with me. Mr. OK was not okay with my choice.

No, he wasn't a kryptonite man... those are rare men. I did not feel faint-hearted in his presence... What disturbed me most was that I felt like the man in his presence.... and well.... that is NOT a sexy feeling to me. I even wrote a poem in reflection to that sentiment called "Man In a Dress."

I just couldn't deal with the "I'm your biggest fan" talk because I wasn't his biggest fan. He loved me like he won the lottery... I felt like gold stashed into a old sock. I didn't need someone to recite litanies of why they adored me when I couldn't say much about them.

Shall I glorify his "potential?" Shall I puff up Mr. OK? He needed my validation before claiming his life for his own self.

It didn't last very long with my "biggest fan." He knew and loved my world for a little bit, displayed more weakness than I had eyes for, said "sorry" more times than I cared for and brought himself to the level of acquaintance that he rightfully belonged despite his "good intentions."

I learned that a man who tries to live too vicariously through his woman's life is something to be weary of... if he admires your ambition but is less directed and focused... he disowns his life. It is his choice and not an acceptable one by my standards. His most exciting dreams were the ones he experienced in REM. I told him he was practicing to be dead.

And I don't think it's a maturity or age issue... it's a choice.

And to my girlfriends, I asked.... Is it a year he needs to be where he wants to be? More? Or is it a choice he needs to come to terms with? Are you willing to give him space to see if he'll claim his life or do you want a boyfriend so badly that he'll do - knowing that you'll possibly be both frustrated at some point? Can you accept one another as friends because dating might be selfish?

The greatest lesson Mr. OK taught me was that I don't long to be admired as much as I long to admire someone.

JNET

Boys are Kryptonite

I struggled yesterday to get my working groove. I had hit a mini wall on the path of being creative and it wasn't even near midnight... I flagged in the realm of inspiration and decided to tuck myself in after beating myself up mentally trying to generate myself.

Today is a new day. Maybe I was too cold, maybe I was partied out, maybe I missed someone. But who?

How I wish I had a muse right now; an inspired beautiful soul to sing me a song when my head goes silent like this bringing a world of fresh air through a kiss.

But only for a minute.... I have work to do... okay... maybe for a half-hour more....

Oh blast... silly, simpering, romantic weakness!

I had a passing moment while brushing my teeth this morning... (a great place for epiphanies).. Supergirl thinks boys are kryptonite.

Keep that stuff back over at USC... no, I don't really need that chocolate from Switzerland... eek, flowers might kill me too! Yes, I am freaking out... it's OBVIOUS... that Beethoven 2nd and 3rd movement shouldn't have taken me 2 weeks. I'm staring at your flowers like it is a hypnotic stone. There's not a poem kicking around my head at the moment.... Where are my words!??

Thank you, my love, your picture will be fine. It's perfect. Everything is perfect. I'll see you soon... Tada... Now don't you worry about me one bit... I'll call you. Kiss kiss... I have to go now and save the world or at least get a Nobel Peace Prize.

I thought I was impervious to mushy mushy syndrome. But I caught a bug last year and my inner scientist analyzed and studied it (behind glass with gloves and an oxygen mask). In my findings, I found that there are certain properties that are rare but debilitating.

I am free for now and unhindered. There is no kryptonite in the premises. I am gaining my strength. I just may have my leisure reading on neurotranmitters done by tonight.

JNET

JNET's results:
JNET is Superman... but if you splice my top two results.... I AM Super/Wonder Woman

Superman 100% Wonder Woman 100% Supergirl 90% Robin 80% The Flash 80% Green Lantern 80% Iron Man 70% Spider-Man 50% Hulk 50% Batman 30% Catwoman 20%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

PHOTOS: An Afterward of KNL's Habing Sayawit

I celebrated my first Christmas party with KNL last weekend. It had been nearly a month since I've seen them last. It was very nice to not be on concert mode and it was the first time I had been able to relax and have our hair down (literally... I haven't seen how many of the girls look like with their hair down!)



My brother took loads of pix and you may find them at this link ... I believe all the links are now in working order. If you want to see the pictures blogged thus far you may find them here. Act TWO's page has a link to take you back to ACT ONE... The pictures below are later additions plus our recent Christmas party... Enjoy.

JNET :)
















"It is not a question of who dances

but of who or what does not dance."


My friends adored the dance concert. My family is ecstatically proud and I can't wait to go for another year and see my new friends again.

To be part of this work is a very special experience. It is spiritual, emotional, and mentally demanding as well as rewarding.

"Prayer does not use up artificial energy,

doesn't burn up any fossil fuel, doesn't pollute.

Neither does song, neither does love,

neither does the dance."

"The real message of the Dance opens up the

vistas of life

to all who have the urge to express beauty

with no other instrument than their own bodies,

with no apparatus and nodependence on anything

other than space."

"Art is the only way to run away without leaving home."

"When you dance,

your purpose is not to get to a certain place

on the floor.

It's to enjoy each step along the way."

"To dance is to be out of yourself.

Larger, more beautiful, more powerful.

This is power, it is glory on earth and

it is yours for the taking."

"Many people are shy

when it comes to getting

out on a dance floor.

Dancing is an activity that...

reveals your inner self,

whether you like it, or know it, or not.

It is hard to fake it on a dance floor."

"Happiness, that grand mistress of the ceremonies

in the dance of life,

impels us through all its mazes and meanderings,

but leads none of us by the same route."

"He who would learn to fly one day

must first learn to stand

and walk and run and climb and dance;

one cannot fly into flying."

"Think of the magic of that foot, comparatively small,

upon which your whole weight rests.

It's a miracle, and the dance is a celebration of that miracle."

"We learn by practice.

Whether it means to learn to dance by practicing

dancing or to learn to live by practicing living,

the principles are the same.

One becomes in some area an athlete of God."

"I see dance being used

as communication

between body and soul,

to express what it too deep

to find for words."

"It was character that got us out of bed,

commitment that moved us into action,

and discipline that enabled us

to follow through."

2006 is going to be a great year!!!

POEM: Pinky Swear

Pinky swear
Children preaching
Promises to be fair
A serious childhood game
Of how to care

Promises sworn on later days
Rusting remains of pinky swear ways
Breaks over the waves of pennies and years
Glorified at the fountain of tears

Wishing on the brightest star
Celestial friends unfold beloved fate
Childhood faith fancies the moon of afar
A magical and mystical gate

Age spurns hope and covers the fabled door
That opened to abundant places of yesterday lore
The birth of a sage from the dreams of a child
Frees the soul once again
To laugh and dream into the wild

Copyright ©2005 J. R. Hollyday

Just some random thoughts....

I am having a delightful week...

Yesterday evening, A and I found ourselves in the kitchen in a moment of glee cheering for life.

"LIFE IS SOOO FUN! I LOVE IT!" We said in unison giving one another high fives.

Our parallel lives has been a source of laughter and intrigue. We can't believe that we've known each other for only six weeks and that time has oddly breezed right by us and yet we feel like we've known each other for most of our lives....

ABC has been celebrating a lot of these little moments with us. We've been spending a lot of time together and he knows how to bounce.... at least that is what it seems after spending an intense week at the playground called my life... with me and my closest friends. We pinky sweared to be friends forever... I hope we never grow up.

I had an interesting week of zipping between conversations with children and conversations with grown-ups. Young people get up in arms over broken promises, they share of their frustration how the adults in their life make life so intricate with reasons and excuses... after all the time that they are taught rules and how to be fair, they get to witness a breakdown from the adult world. The children think it is wrong and silly to not be straight... the adults say it is complicated.

Somehow we all started from that place where rules, promises and dreams were important and later find ourselves in a place where no one plays as fairly and promises have excuses attached in afterthoughts and dreams are for the naive....

My friends and I have been playing hard these past couple of months and we've managed to ground our inner grown up. It is a lot more fun to take on projects and time flies a kite on us.

ABC is now gone to Switzerland for three weeks and A's ABC leaves for a family vacation to Jamaica for the holidays for three weeks as well. Another shared coincidene... I'm looking forward to what three weeks of life will unfold... A. and I think anything and everything is wonderfully possible.

THEATER: Angels We Have Heard On High

ABC took me to a wonderful musical at Playhouse West called "Angels We Have Heard on High". The play was written and directed by Stewart Irel and the music written by Amalia Stephenson who is an alumnus of my university, ABC's bestfriend and my bestfriend's roommate.

Aside from that fun piece of serendipity, I was happy to finally meet and hear Miss Amalia's work and attend a show at Playhouse West; a School and Repertory Theater in North Hollywood founded by Robert Carnegie and Jeff Goldblum. I am fascinated by how they teach their acting classes; the Meisner Technique. My friend, A. had studied this technique at their sister school in Manhattan. I am so intrigued that I would like to consider becoming a student in the future.

I loved the show, it is the playhouse's first musical and I was impressed and went through so many emotions during the course of the show. The story is about a unique choir of people gathered together for rehearsals where they support one another through the catharsis of music and relating. Through the leadership of a band, they meet, improvise, deal with life and build relationships.

I enjoyed the story, it was intricate, intelligent, emotional, funny and well woven. The stories between the 12 characters were real, had substance and was unapologetically real at many points that I had to sigh and think... whew... this is real life... Real hard core life in its glory and tragedy.

"Angels We Have Heard On High" has two more shows; next Saturday and Sunday evening. It's free. They ask for a donation and all the proceeds go to a cancer foundation. It's a great show. Attend their last weekend if you can.... You'll have a hard time deciding who your favorite character is and the music rocks.... at some points you may find yourself singing along.... or wishing you could be in "the choir." I may go again Sunday evening and bring friends along. If anyone wants to join us, dash me an email.

JNET

Of Fallen Kings and Rising Moons

Life gave some interesting highs and lows this weekend.

I am walking through a lot of unfamiliar terrain and the quest for truth brought me to a rocky path where I saw a king fall from grace and I spied the moon rise from the south. Both were very beautiful experiences.

Ahh, the moon rising... magnificent to behold, wonderful... the poignant possibility of humanity and the revelation of splendor - the moon shining brightly against the darkness of space and silence.

the king standing in the clearing of the moon points to the truth ...
















Which is more enduring? The ambitions of kings or the companionship of the moon?

Life is full of beautiful surprises.

WORD UP: Hope vs. Optimism

I attended church service today... I hadn't been all year due to my rehearsal schedule and I was happy to be part of the celebration.

I say "celebration" in response to people who confided in me that those who go to church are basically mindless sheep in need of validation and structure through conformity. A. stated that he believed people use and feel that they need church in order to feel connected to God.

I told A. that I saw his definition of church as very limiting because everyone I know at church knows for a fact that they can easily be connected to God at any given moment and given space of their choice. Access is not made available through church rather church is a place to celebrate everyone's access (relationship) with God.

Since when is it considered "mindless" to ponder one's existence, the meaning and gift of life and celebrate with people who have chosen to embark on similar journeys? And isn't it a good thing to consider one's relationship with self, soul and God over chasing validation in looking cool, trendy, perfect and having the right toys?

For a couple of hours on a Sunday, I can choose to sit with a diverse crowd teens and grannies side by side with someone with tattoos... surfers, geeks and trendies singing together and making the walls reverberate with song... black, brown, white, yellow gather without pretense only shared happiness... is the place I can choose to celebrate a couple of hours or go to the mall..... where every store or boutique is a box selling conformity in the name of style..

Church is the most anti-conformist place I know, a place where I have expressed my opinions and views freely... and never felt like people judged looks or age...

I find it most interesting that the ones with the most rigid opinion of what church is are the ones most to insist that they know everything and therefore needn't investigate the possibility that something other than their opinion may exist. Isn't expanding one's world through actual learning and experience immensely valuable? Is it being opened minded when you say that you know everything you need to know? How does one regard the opinion of a house if only the driveway and garage has been checked out?

MAYBE I've been looking in a different direction at church and perhaps missed the sheep sitting 10 feet away from me. I welcome being pointed out where the conformists-without-original-thoughts sit who are desperate and disconnected to life.

Where are all these "dead" people that I hear from people who refuse to attend church that they swear exist?

What kind of mythological thinking is that????

Anyway... I have a couple of things to share today.

Hope, specifically, "holy hope" was the topic today - distinct from optimism. We opened with a quote from Romans Chapter FIVE:

".... we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Perhaps I can best describe optimism as a mindset and "holy hope" as a way of life that bends with the twists and turns of life... Optimism smiles and expects the best of all outcomes and holy hope smiles at the current moment and says that life is already exactly where it's supposed to be and where it is going will be perfect as well.

The sermon inspired a lot of thoughts for me to ponder...

Am I an optimist that lives life with a happy disposition expecting the best outcomes will arrive?
Or do I live from a place of holy hope where everything is beautiful and awe-inspiring already and yet the best is to come? What is my outlook on my current situations? Or is my focus on the future outcomes?

There are slight shades distinguished between the two...

Just some thoughts from a girl who enjoyed going to church today...

JNET

My Rebellion

This week I took an interesting detour from the everydayness of what was so...

Doing so made me present to new thoughts. I found myself on the edge of the world and I found it too cold and that I needed a jacket. The company of a good friend made the adventure worthy.

I got upset and I found an interesting road to take...

"Anyone can become angry - that is easy....

But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time,
for the right purpose,
and in the right way - this is not easy."

Aristotle

I was upset with myself on several things... and I was very sad on several things

and yet I knew my life was still very exciting and beautiful... For a little while the dark unknown became like a vaccuum and if I had allowed it, I might've given power over the life I love.

But I got that the common denominator in all the ongoing things of my life is ME. I had a choice to go with the wave of life, I had a choice to ask life if it really was a wave, I had a choice to give no meaning to waves.

I chose to go with all of them and that made for some interesting paradigm shifts to be available...and I became present to joy, lonliness, confusion and understanding...To say the least, my head has been going through some fireworks - celebrating a sort of independence day.

I found myself angry, because I had some unsaid things that I hadn't addressed.. and some things that I didn't realize wanted to be addressed. Sitting with these realizations made me anxious, confused, distracted...

conversations were begged in the spaces.

I didn't get the things I wanted completed this past week.

I didn't complete my bible study homework and I missed my class for the first time.

I got off my train of thought and writing projects waited on my desk.

I didn't let go of a student that I had prepared to drop.

I didn't announce the end of my commitments with organizations I chose to get involve with for the year.

I didn't decorate the tree that's been sitting in my living room since Monday.

I didn't break things off with the mathematician.

I chose to continue my "bowling game.

Darn,

And the Christmas cards will have to wait.

The detour was worth it and though life is still the same somewhat....it is also profoundly different.

It's like being five years old again, I told A. last night... everything is so exciting and interesting as we listen intently for the flutter of mystical wings.

Sometimes in meeting with one's rebellion, one finds freedom... and the key to freedom I found was hanging around my wrist the whole time...

proverbially..

"You can't depend on your eyes, when your imagination is out of focus."

Mark Twain

"The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced."

Aart Van Der Leeuw

Bowling The Premeditated Ball

I had a bit of social time last evening and made loads of new friends as well as reconnected with some old ones. The night was a buzz of conversation and I was intrigued by the fun game of friendmaking.

I was in the giddy position of attention a few times through out the evening and I entertained conversations that I wonder were a bit on the bold side. It wasn't a quiet day with my piano, laptop, or roster of young piano students. The evening was a firecracker of thoughts and chitchat.

I bounced between impulse and planning. In afterthought, my impulses were innocent and present to the moment... but my planning was a bit on the carefree side and not like myself. I usually think so much that I can be so deliberate and cautious.

What an odd conundrum... Isn't it usually impulse that gets one in trouble and not the other way around? I don't know if it is my thoughts that make me feel uneasy or the ice coffee that I indulged in after lunch. I just have these ultra-practical thoughts that make rational sense to me colliding with a very mysterious sense of magic. My dominant emotion is sadness....wishing I had answers to tread on familiar paths but the game of life is to trust and live into the unknown. I guess I don't like the confusion and the diligence that it takes to navigate through the multitude of possibilities and need to call myself toward higher levels of bravery.

I don't know what came over me during a particular conversation when I decided to abandon my usual demeanor... maybe it is because I had been considering an indulgence....maybe it is a path in being brave... maybe it is utter stupidity. Maybe I ought to consider that it is all such and more and not think too much and make up feelings that I don't enjoy...and deliberate over the ones I do and sit with that.

I am a little surprised that I am reducing myself into a lost little girl. I need to pull myself together and have a grown up conversation with myself. I'm taking life way too serious.

MOCA mi vida

Upside Down Mushrooms, by frogafish.

I spent Friday in San Diego and returned inspired to write. I met with my producers and with the person whose work I am writing about. Over a lunch meeting I was able to become present to this person's powerful "why". For me, that is the most important thing to learn about anyone.. what is this person a possibility of in the world?

Today, I had my own piano lesson with my coach and within the context of the lesson I look for how I handle life. I look for parallels in life as a pursue working on a piece.

I'm finding "Big My Secret" technically more challenging because of its structure and form. There are flurries of notes that I have yet to put more expression and meaning to after getting my technique in order. The accents are intricate and the dynamic direction is sparse. I guess it is challenging and interesting because I have so much freedom with it. It is quite a contrast to the "Passepied" that I am working on as well.... there are so many details!

After my piano lesson, D and I took the subway to downtown los angeles to check out the latest exhibit at MOCA, The Museum of Contemporary Art. There is an intriguing exhibit at the Geffen called ECSTASY: In and About Altered States, an international survey of artists "exploring altered states and alternative modes of perception."

Check out the website. Yes, I did sit in the room where the giant mushrooms sprouted from the ceiling. There was a lot to see and what I learned through my experience of the works is that altering the states of one's perception takes people through many expressions of perspective.

A fascination with a flower for a visual expression of an altered state gave me the strange perspective of what life would look like for a bug. The media presentation landed his subject on a flower. Another artist wanted to express that altered states did not only heighten one's visual sensitivity but also their aural experience.... by having the museum visitor sit in a space (that looked like an egg from the outside) that was a visual parade of glitter and light with sound settling down at a strange acoustic vortex due to the shape of the space. Sit in the jewel encrusted space pod for an interesting take on reality.

I particularly enjoyed the 3 screen presentation of 3 perspectives at a time.. that gave some perpective on the intellectual and philosophical doors opened at altered states...it satisfied my inner scientist and artist at the same time. There is a lot to see and experience and you don't need to be on a trip to understand the art. The experience itself is dynamic, it moves away from the linear paradigm of everyday thought, makes everyone experience the rabbit hole that Alice found where you can make your own conclusions.

The curator, Paul Schimmel, comes out with interesting exhibits that are edgey. And from what I've read is a very fasincating fire in LA's art scene.

D and I left the Geffen Gallery and ventured to find some eats in nearby Japantown before catching the subway home. We grabbed some "moon cakes" at a bakery; nice and hot on a breezy, crisp night. We had a full day on the go... and my day was not yet near over...

A and I had plans to have people over at midnight to listen to her radio broadcast. We had a cosy crowd and conversation did not die down until after 4am. Where did the day go?

Anyway, I guess I had an ecstactic day...

JNET

WORD UP: Choosing the Unknown

I woke up at 6:45am to complete my BSF homework. This week we studied Genesis chapter TWELVE, the story of Abraham... the beginning of God gathering a "nation" of people. Up until then, the post-Flood descendents of Noah had been scattering themselves about the region creating this and that civilization. And many of those civilizations created sophisticated societies of artisans, mathematicians, architects and leaders that worshipped in many creative ways..and ruled in sometimes ruthless ways (Nimrod) ... in order to further glorify the self as an indulgent tower of babelic ego, growing the self by the energy of others through force and conformity.

chapter twelve introduces Abraham, a non-conformist that has a relationship with god who is moved by literal divine inspiration to leave a very comfortable lifestyle in cosmopolitan wealthy Ur at the "mature" age of 75.

By "non-conformist" I mean someone who was going against what everyone was into and was getting a lot of grief and threat over it. Conformity is distinct from Solidarity.... one is driven by force the other is driven by choice.... one has space from disagreement... the other doesn't.

Now this is the time before there were Jews or a solid group of "God people." There had been those who had specific "spiritual" and "religious" experiences... and those believing folks of the Adam and Eve line weren't an official organization with temples and the like. They had the "family story" of the lost of Eden, a dragon on the lose with a mission for disillusionment, the opportunity of indulging runaway anger, and how exponentially anger and ego-driven self-interest grows a downward spiral into civilization....

leading to a proverbial FLUSH ....

The early forming of what was to become the nation of Jews seemed a bit on the tribal side for quite some time. God was a relationship from the very beginning...

other civilizations had gods to appease and indulge... I wonder if the insatiability of such as appetite is manifested by the glorious achievements of man that seem to get a bit tangly... the super civilizations of the early days built wonderful buildings and created sophisticated systems but yet drew source from darkness.

Why is there a "curse of the mummy" and not "curse of noah's ark"? It is interesting to me that miracle stories surround a certain group of believers and curse stories surround a certain history.

Abraham's popular society created attachment to idols and icons... he was known for breaking them. He didn't want anything to do with the silly hexes and charms. His father sold them for a living in Ur. If he kept quiet and just focused on the lucky charms maybe he wouldn't have made a nuisance of himself but he was getting busted. He was brought before the king and sentenced to death, Abraham wouldn't recant and miraculously survived the punishment.

Something "inside" "outside"... something "round about him" was telling him that it just didn't make sense. And that voice of God was not about being in the rank and file...

... where conformity, social politics and standing created security, God called Abraham to break himself from chasing the flows of power and to venture beyond what was a comfortable life into the unknown with trust and faith... He wasn't a slave and he wasn't going to be a slave of a mindless statuo quo. He didn't want to bow to a king he didn't believe in nor did he want to bow to a bon fire to hail that god lived in the fire.

Abraham was 75 when the voice told him to leave he possessions and country to trust that a life beyond imagination was available. He had been questioning the way things were for a very long time already and had just angered the king...

It was a good time to leave and live... how... he did not know.

One thing he was certain of was he was following "truth" as he knew it for the first time and he didn't feel bent out of shape over it. And his family must've sensed something out of Abraham's inspiration because they went along with him as well. Not a single one of them knew where they were going but Abraham just knew that they were listening to something too wonderful and mysterious to ignore.

How true is that for us today? Do we listen to something wonderful within us that drives our daily life? Or is it the voice of fear that nags our every thought?

Are we tapped into that higher source where confidence is a fruit and life can taste like a sweet adventure? Or are we holding onto symbols afraid to piss off the kings that we allow their rule?

Abraham was at odds living the life he had at Ur. Those odds brought him a final hand at age 75 when he finally "got it" and left. If he stayed, he had a predictable future... he would have to stop breaking the darn idols and shut up and watch his back. What kind of life is that?

He chose the unknown... he finally listened to the voice and heard it... and knew that it was too wonderful (and patient) to ignore... and he trusted that mystery and those around him were inspired to trust as well...

And the unknown becomes a wonderful realm to trust in.

JNET

Of Elephants and Castles

While searching for the Christmas boxes, I came across that one with piles of pictures that I have sworn to organize someday. And I felt a little sad missing friends that have left Los Angeles. I had to put down the pictures.

Maybe the poignancy of it was all the more acute because of the excerpt from "Atlas Shrugged", recalling it gave testimony to a certain loneliness that accompanies even my sweetest moments of solitude.

What catches my attention is so specific. I could write a book about it... the journal I carry everywhere with me best articulates my highest values and my path. It serves as a map of where I am and where I am going. It tells me if I am lost.

Is it idealistic to live by principle? Is there any wrong in enjoying a life that only needs to make sense to myself? Am I too uncompromising? Would I continue being freely myself should I begin compromising and participating with worlds that I haven't a care for?

I found pictures of yesterdays riding elephants and visiting castles, of fun and silly parties and smiles with the Geordie and the Goose. They were gorgeous memories that punctuated a tenuous conversation. Y'areet bonny lads?

I stepped away from the elephants and castles because it was just frosting. I've stepped away from comfortable situations that I couldn't settle for lest I compromise what I value. N. told me this past weekend of a Coelo book... that everyone has a price... it's just different for some.

I rode elephants, visited castles..... flowers every single Friday.... poetry, music compositions, adulation... served between two slices of bread that forecasted their futures on the package.

Life can be like a fun amusement park with loads of sweets, thrills and romance...

I see the world as much much bigger than that. Do I experience loneliness in the solitude? Of course.

Do I ever regret? Never.

There's another sort of happiness and bliss to be had without the interference of another. That's the happiness of loving one's self and one's life independent of the input of others...

JNET