Sitting in the Futility of Darkness

Today Los Angeles received it's first rain in months. It's absolutely beautiful to see the canyons a different shade of green when contrasted against clouds. There is also a bright sun trying to break through...

That pretty much encompasses how I feel today. I feel the coldness and wetness of life. I feel the frustration of moving at a slower pace. And as beautiful the difference is to have this weather... I feel the tenuous yearning to have the sun break through the clouds.

I almost wrote my Dear John letter to the mathematician today. I am feeling tired of the current "weather" and thought about placing my judgment on it... write him a nice goodbye. I can deal with my work and my friends and my family... but I have trouble dealing with the vulnerability of .... what is it? whatchmacallit?

My attitude goes between "whatever" and "why." And walking away seems like a way to find relief. I've never felt compelled to the game of couplehood... I find solace and sanity within solitude. But I didn't indulge my insecurities because everything else in my life is working in general and to throw a curve ball in his direction would be to say...

"everything in my life is going my way... i want to get you under control too... and I have no regard for what you have to go through with your life... love me now, you insensitive, selfish sod"

I came to my senses... Darn... I actually care enough to want to be my best self... even when I'm going though my drama at baggage claim...

So "keeping it real" was for me not add my drama .. I wrote him stuff that I really wanted to say.. there's nothing I've said that I would like to take back thus far and I'd like to keep it that way.

There is nothing to be with in the futility of darkness... just separate-ness ... an illusion that the self indulges to humor an noisy ego.

JNET