Locked Darkness

by S.H.M.I.L.Y.

I wish I could say that I didn't know violence.

But I do.

I wish I could say that I didn't know what it felt like to be dead and soul=less.

But I know what it is to rebuild from that black forboding darkness.

I wish I could say that I didn't have any dark secrets and that my life has been idyllic from the very beginning.

But that is not so.

S uncovered a blind spot unwittingly in a passing comment about me. I was profoundly moved by it and have since fluctuated between indifference and shock these past couple of days. His words came about so gently, so honestly, so softly, and pointedly.

I found private moments in which I had to weep.

He gave me a key to the past and when I opened the box, I found lost scores. And when I laid my eyes upon them, I couldn't stop the music from playing in my head.

I realized the secret song had been playing all along and I was a puppet dancing unaware of the strings about me; unaware.

How do I break free from the puppet master? Will I ever be free?

I thought I was free.

My Gray Day

I have been in a malaise of some sorts now for over a month.

I realized my limits today in feeling tapped out. I've been riding the waves with annoyances piled upon annoyance. And today, I felt like a good cry would set me straight if only I could figure out where my heart was under the weight and piles of excess. I hate this feeling and want to shake it off but I feel too sad and tired right now that I all can do is be quiet and smile, get on with the day as best as I can and find my answers as I go into my head.

I am happy that today is a gray day and that I woke up with the wind rushing through my house. I want it to rain. If I can't find my tears than maybe nature can cry for me.

Anyway.

I have a headache and several loose ends dangling about and wish it would all disappear. It's like hearing a repeating cadence without getting a resolution, pounding...

Life is hard. Life does not care. Life is hard. Life does not care.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am not these stupid situations and that it is I that definies myself but I'm tired today and generating myself is my challenge of the day.

Los Angeles: I'm living in the belly of the beast. I swore the place off growing up. When I went off to college, I had no plans of ever returning to California. But I'm here due to the same strange social interactions that plays in this big city. How ironic. The week feels more painful because I know this scene... the script had played out before me in Boston... And like a storm, swept me across the country into Los Angeles...

Being swept off my feet was the fun part, the dark side underneath it was not. I was wooed by Pretense.

The pervasive voice of Welcome to the Real World haunts me even though I kicked that serpent out of my paradise. Deceit is a "well meaning" smooth voice that speaks with a stance of being forthright but is dry as sawdust. Unfortunately, after hearing its voice once, it becomes a scar in the mind.

Drink of cup and you are thirsty. Share a meal and you are hungry. Join in the party and you are lonely. It's Uncle Screwtapes' territory. Read the Screwtape Letters if you don't understand my reference by C.S. Lewis. Everyone has an Uncle Screwtape speaking into the arid opportunities that one should be aware of. The contrast is so blatant to bliss that it flattens me.

Such are the victories that Uncle Screwtape strives for..

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get up....

JNET

Clearing a Path

by Sara May.

I spent the day clearing my mind and my space. Life was getting noisy, weighing heavily on my thoughts and so it made sense to unattach from loose ends and ragged edges. I put away the dusty curios that were taking up "shelf space" and let go of that which I couldn't fit into anymore.

IN OTHER WORDS...

I've been clearing things up with friends, reconnecting and with some.... disconnecting. It's interesting how everything becomes clearer when all things are put aside...

"It is with the heart that one sees rightly:
what is essential is invisible to the eye."

Antoine de Saint - Exupery