One Thought At A Time

I am enjoying dance rehearsal. I actually forgot for a moment that I was dancing with a basket balancing on my head at one point during "Ragragsakan." That was a freeing thought.. I had a chant to sing, a bouncy girlie walk to be cheerful with, a blanket wrapped around me which I unwrap to wave and dance with... all while balancing a basket on my head.. and thinking happy thoughts to get my mind off the basket on my head...

In a couple of dances, I'll be wearing elaborate dresses, with lots of petticoats. I tried one of them on today and I felt like royalty. I have to dance with this dress on? I have how long to get into this dress? With jewelry too? I'll next have to time how long I'll need to get between costumes and figure out where I'll need to reenter the stage.

The concert is November 12. It's going to be an absolutely gorgeous show. The vision of the leaders is inspiring and exciting.

I began BSF this past week. We're studying the book which is also known as "The Beginnings of the World" also known as Genesis. It's so fascinating how time gets tied together seamlessly through generations of writings and be loaded with philosophical brain candy.

My goal is to be really great in all that I do... and relaxed..

Like forgetting about the basket on my head and actually execute the dance well.. So I will get over measuring the amount of reading and homework and just learn and write well what insights I gain and share them..

If I'm to have any thoughts, might as well have wonderful ones that can open a world for me that is fun. The yucky thoughts don't do me well.

I get the most self-defeating thoughts when I think of my mathematician.

Love equals the end of life as I know it.
The unknown is scary.
How about love later and not now?
He can't possibly be interested in me.. Why?
I don't know what I'm doing and he knows it.

But I get over it as quickly as possible. I want to trust him. So I trust him instead of choosing to think less of him by making up horrible dramas that only hijack my emotions. I choose to encourage and contribute instead of being stingy and withholding.

Living life, keeping it real, one moment to the next...

Life is a full-on experience... and not a spectator sport.. It's not easy to keep the basket balanced, it's not easy to complete homework, it's not easy leaving the indulgence of solitude to make room for friendships, new commitments, family, love and romance... but I'm finding it becomes "easy" from being open to the possibilties of greatness by making a stand...

Some pretty neat habits begin to take on a life of their own.

JNET

PHOTOS: An Amalgam of These Two

It's ALL their fault.

When I introduce my friends to my mother, I tell them to direct all complaints about myself to her. She did afterall create me.

Mom: teacher, entrepreneur, loves gardening, entertaining friends, travel, books, classical music, school and community leadership, volunteer, devout Catholic, involved actively with family and church, danced filipino folk dances, graduated with honors from university... extremely independent and strong-willed, a bit eccentric, somewhat progressive, popular among her friends, standoffish to boys

My dad passed away when I was young but I wasn't spared from his influence.

Dad: engineer, loved to travel, hike, garden, listened to pop music, loved cooking, a bit of a jokester, liked fast cars and said if he had to choose a new career he'd be a race car driver, in general, quiet and pensive. extremely independent and strong-willed, a bit goofy, somewhat conservative, adored Spain and Spanish art, music and dance, popular though a bit reserved, liked to collect pieces of art and sculpture... was a bit straight-forward and confrontational but very good at flying kites, bought me boxing gloves when I was six years old

My mom has a lot of funny stories about when she was young and single. Recently, I asked her how she met dad. Besides being discouraged from the get-go to have eyes for my dad, she didn't know that she liked him until she graduated from university - when she realized during her ceremonies that it might've been nice if he was there. It took her four years of friendship and her graduation day to show her that she missed him... therefore telling her that ... maybe.. maybe, she liked him... and that he liked her, she just didn't have a clue.

So these two people forged my personality and the physical and perhaps psychic manifestation of who I am through their customized taste of parenting. The next time someone calls me an "enigma" "freak of nature" or "interesting" person... I must credit it to my parents...

JNET

Going up? Going down?

Yesterday and part of today, I lost my mind.

Drama Queen's brain was busy. What's funny is that my friends think of me as a peaceful and calm person. I was having runaway emotions over feeling neglected and dejected... My unbusy moments were getting busy with insecure nonsense... The perpetual optimist in me took a nose dive.

Why hasn't he called? Ahhh, he's disappeared into his work again.. I beat myself with other thoughts.

But he finally said hello again today and everything about us and our idiosyncracies made sense again.

If everyone has a unique voice, style of expressing one's self then it makes sense to say also that everyone has a unique way of listening to their world; to others and their self...

and somewhere in the whir of life, everyone discovers ways to relate to one another.. some in profound ways...communicating a world of possibilities creatively... some relate in profane ways, creating confusion and indulging fear.. unable to experience delight daily.

I've been skipping along with the mathematician, sending him a daily dose of bounce, wondering if my thoughts make him dizzy or nervous. And before I can catapult myself into another world, he places his ground and creates a gravity that pulls me back. I'll celebrate his private milestones with him... be the occassional wake up call for a special day. Between our respective busy worlds, there's seems to be a little heartbeat. Is it love? Is it love? Is it love??

Possibly.

Is it really not a good time for a relationship and a hard balance to strike? Is someone else going to step in and send my world in a spin that makes my mathematican fade into the background of life? Will I lose interest because I have more freedom not being in school right now?

But then, what if everything wonderful that I think of us... is only the beginning of what is true.

It would be really great to see if my crush and I are on the same game. That would be extordinary and weird..

JNET