Was That Christmas That Zipped Right By?

It is DAY THREE of my time away from Los Angeles and I am still working on unwinding.

Before leaving LA, I was living the mad dash to get things "wrapped up". So was everyone else. Way too many of the parents of my students missed their regular appointments and asked that I make up their missed lesson. I didn't see why I owed them a lesson for missing their own commitments but had no wish to create a rift to end the year... and so I skipped eating all together and lived on coffee to spend what little personal time I had to "make up" lessons while fitting in rehearsals and completing projects and wrapping gifts to prepare to leave town to visit my family for a week.

I didn't have any sleep for over 36 straight hours and I lost a lot of weight. On the couple days that I did get some sleep, I only got 5 hours and then I was working again.... or waiting... and wondering where my students were as I arrived to empty homes and studios.

"But we paid for the lesson and you owe us a lesson!"

JNET: "I kept my appointed time with you...."

I will be preparing another list of students (parents) who can study with another teacher. It seems to be the only way to create some sort of stability in my life.

I'm working on teaching my students about practicing and creating art. Learning music takes commitment, practicing discipline and time management. Being an artist is about being fully expressed and growing a sensitivity to listening in order to create. And paying attention to get mastery over technique is key to growing as an artist at the piano bench and at life.

There are notes, there is technique facility to practice, there are dynamic and tempo marks to consider.... there are a lot of things to look at... and care about.

You can't just care about the notes but let your fingers stumble and say that time doesn't matter.

It's a losing war if I have to battle parents to create the environment to learn.

I might as well be a juke box.

And that's what I felt reduced to as I chugged down coffee and pushed myself to catch senseless mistakes that I didn't feel were mine to catch. I couldn't believe the deaf ears that I met when I pointed the obviousness of their mistake in time management and the unfairness that I had to pay for it.

But I suppose we all do that sometimes... make mistakes... and refuse to hear reminder of it and hope that someone else sucks it up for us and makes it disappear so that we can continue skipping on with our lives.

Christmas came and went and I felt I had to fight intensely to claim my own happiness as tornadoes of chaos rolled around me. I hope to find my center within the next 24 hours.... thinking of the students and parents that are a pleasure in my life helps connect me back to loving my lifework... The thorns of disregard from a few are nothing in comparison... They will be searching to study with someone else within the next couple of months.

Diplomacy makes sense only in a fair environment... Who balances happiness on precarious structures and hopes that others will make it work for them? What is the point of creating boundaries and structures and not letting them work and create stability?

The world is crazy especially during this last month... and I don't care to make that world my world.

Jnetsworld.... in recovery...

JNET

Bah Humbug

I lived on coffee this week.

I didn't bother with too much food because when my schedule is particularly tight, I'm not a eat an run girl and therefore skip on food. My schedule went upside down with parents forgetting to bring their child to their piano appointment. I spent way too much time than I cared for waiting when I would have rather done other things... like laundry, sleep, eat, and of course ... Christmas shop.

And so I taught at times that were normally meant to be my personal time... Time to sleep, eat, do laundry, errands and drank coffee which I rarely do... and found myself doing my work knowing that I hadn't slept in over 36 hours.

I don't know if they understood my forthrightfulness when I explained the inconvenience of making up their missed commitments on my personal time... They were hellbent that I somehow OWED them my time since they had paid for the lesson. Since over 50% of the parents did not keep their regular time commitment, I didn't feel like taking up a war... I have hospital bills that I owe from collapsing after exhausting myself in October by subsidizing other's poor time management skills.

I'm still jacked up on coffee. It is nearly 4am and I am anxious over needing to get to San Diego to visit my family for the holidays. I should be happy to relax but my house is a wreck. The christmas tree is on the floor after a fall and it is too heavy to put it up by myself. I am happy though that I've nearly completed my wrapping of gifts for my family.

I dread the phone ringing....

"Miss JNET, I am soooo sorry that I missed our piano lesson this week. Can YOU make up the lesson to US tomorrow???"

How can anyone learn about time management and commitment when people don't know how to own and PAY for mistakes? How is it that even if I speak forthrightly, the next question is yet still.... "so when will YOU make up the lesson?"

ANYWAY, aside from the fact that I am so out to mars with my schedule and I am not eating or sleeping regularly, I know nothing but to rant and hope that I will exhaust myself and finally fall asleep.

I need to do something yet to arrange my December schedule even better so that I don't strung around like thing again next year. I hate this month and people have no idea how upside down my life gets with their mistakes. They listen was glassy christmas shopping eyes.... increasing my bah humbugness.... inciting a personal battle.

I don't like hating Christmas.

JNET

If Bliss is a Beach Then You Are a Tsunami

I'm having a glorious December despite a few splashes. Splashes that are being labeled as intentional jabs of affection that leave me feeling cold, drained and exhausted. After a while I start to see a certain rhythm and pattern in the waves... or SCRIPT from my Hollyweird personalities in my life.

I make the distinction to not call them friends.

I adore my friends and have been spending loads of time with them. I even have a favorite guy that I am enjoying attentions from. I've dedicated my last month of podcast to fighting the holiday blues and challenges of this frantic and dynamic last month and have been enjoying having my family calling in to discuss fellow negativity slaying strategy. (Yes, I come from a clan of skilled lemonade makers, bridge builders and negativity slayers.) We are also bomb diffusers.

Those close to my heart experience me in a way that makes me think that we have the same dream and vision for the world.

Life is a prayer, a meditation... and life is an unfolding of prayers and dreams coming true.

But I share my planet, my city, my world, and certain aspects of my life with people who are not on the same level with me. They are very QUICK to say so. They are very QUICK to take "affectionate jabs" at me. I listen.... They are "butter knife" killers.... They hit bluntly, intentionally and say that they are harmless. A common line I hear is that I don't have a sense of humor. Another one is that I am a depressed person and that I don't know it (never mind that I am having a load of fun and that I have no shortage of friends and family anxious to enjoy my company.)

Even that simple statement from their own voice should give them a clue that MAYBE, their words are not being received nor given in a spirit of love. What "friend" tells another friend to prove that their life is happy? What friend condemns another as depressed instead of doing their best to raising their spirits?

I listen.

And I hear worlds in between the lines.

And then I consider RG, whose daughter I teach in Beverly Hills. He is a retired attorney and has the game of sarcasm down to an artform that I can appreciate. His own friends say that RG is OFFENSIVE but that he has a good heart... that he has the most UN - PC mouth but that he means well. I do get that he has a good heart, is very supportive and the bile that shoots from his mouth is strangely sugar-coated with stars and sparkles. I've also noticed that RG has modified his playful language with me. I play a different game and he got it right away. He's not on auto-pilot. He's awake and playing in the dimensions that he shares with others. And because we are present to respect and support, our adaptations of our selves to one another makes us happy observers and participants.

It is possible to be present to love and patience in the space of clever jabs.

I have been subject to very UNCLEVER JABS unfortunately. And being forthright hasn't made matters understood nor compassionate in all the cases. I am told that I have no sense of humor.... or that I am stupidly naive.... or that I deserve it and that I need to tell people to FUCK OFF more often.

Funny, I never have to go through such extremes to communicate with my family and friends. Maybe I'm spoiled. I actually have a world where communication is made very clear; being forthright is NORMAL and not the exception... and things withheld are done so mindfully for appropriate times. Timing is everything... it's a skill.. so is listening and so is connecting and relating.

I have patience but I am not a theme park to have fun at my expense. People are not amusement parks to take reign over nor are they mere landfill dumps to throw away one's trash upon.

It is true, I suppose, that I am not on the same level. I don't have an annual pass to jab a friend as a fun house, nor do I carry a dumping permit. These jabbers have a very expensive life. Heck, if an annual pass to Disneyland is at least 300 bucks...

Unfortunately, I am not banking out like Disney. I am hopeful that my forthrightfullness will pay off in the future. I know I've enjoyed transformed friendships after certain tsunamis. To avoid the splashes, I disappear for a while to recover. The expense costs me creative time to think or write... and practice and teach music and enjoy the zone at top speed. I don't enjoy being weighted down by petty gouges.... OH, SORRY, I forget to laugh... that's me... MISSING the humor.

I'll be fine. These splashes make me realize who really connects with me and who's really in my world... and that is a pretty good piece of estate. Emily Dickinson wrote that her friends were her estate. With that, I feel like I have it all and that from here life is just more fun and going up the levels.

Life splashes... I'm relocating to the hills to avoid the tsunamis.... I can manage little splashes.

I have a world of friends waiting with warm fuzzy towels.

Away White Elephants

The Chinese have a tradition of writing down their wishes and hanging them on the tree. I have my wishes on the tree... they will continue to hang on my proverbial tree after the holiday stuff is put away. What's your wish? Do you have room for it to come true?

The same wishes that I have wished for when I was four are the same wishes I have for my life today. In many ways, the wishes have come true. I've been working my way through the various phases and levels of reality... embellishing on how wonderful it can be yet. It's a fun practice.... concentrating on wishes and dreams and bumping them up the next level. It is like dressing up a simple bowl of vanilla ice cream with lots of extas.

I watch others around me concentrate on other things. They are definitely not enjoying a banana split. Life is messy as they concentrate on things that make them angry and frustrated. I don't think they are enjoying a decent lick of life when life is melting all sticky and messy around them. I am a storyteller of wonder, they are doomsayers of how life goes wrong over and over again. I have a league of angels by my side and they are twarted by their demons.

I like to stay away from such people if possible. They suck so much energy from me that I don't understand how they have the energy for their dramas. If the world is a stage, then I think a lot of these actors need to spend more time in class to work stuff out before insisting on taking center stage.

Isn't it more favorable to be engaged in dreaming and the journey to make dreams a reality than to relive a nightmare or recite a bad bad script? When you can choose between following one's dreams or re-experiencing something wrong re-packaged like a white elephant? What would you choose?

I find it easy to pass on the white elephant.

What IS a white elephant? It's a gift that you don't have use for...

I've created the habit of passing on white elephants but how many can look at their life and see that they've made quite an impressive collection? Maybe that too small sweater of a hideous color will fit someday and make you feel totally hot. Maybe you'll look better in that hat that really isn't your style today... tomorrow. RIGHT....

Some white elephants are easy to pass.. It's the invisible ones in the collection that are fun to dig up and throw away. They are harder to unwrap. Sometimes, after getting them we shove them in some back closet to deal with another day. I had forgotten of a few until a certain day doing some spring cleaning, I get belted on the head with a forgotten elephant or two. Better late than never to rid of such white elephants.

I meet people who'd rather never re-do the closet and make life appear absolutely neat and tidy. A chance moment while hanging up a coat, throws a curve ball from the dark corner of the closet.

I think a few of my roommates were moonlighting in the import export business of white elephants.

And though it may be true that certain white elephants reappear under the tree after a spite with freedom, there's always a door to put them out again.... and a trash can... It is okay... Maybe it got into the recycle bin my mistake. Mistakes happen in the dark.

Away White Elephants is the topic for this coming Saturday's show. Tune in.. 9:00 to 9:30 am.

There's only room for so much under the tree. That space is reserved from dreams and dreams coming true.

Clearing the space under the tree and putting my wishes to the universe.

JNET