Sitting in the Blah-ness

I woke up at 6:30am. I stayed at the Hilton with mom. We chatted and had a good laugh until very late and then woke up to go hiking at Runyon Canyon.

It was a beautiful day for a walk. I had mom and one of my best friends to enjoy a very vigorous hike up a mountain. We had wanted to walk and talk out a couple of our goals and thoughts and came down inspired to press on with our respective projects.

It was a family day; a birthday party, loads of conversation, laughs, music....

I'm now into my writing hour and sitting with myself, I still have that nagging blah-ness that has been announcing itself at louder volumes lately.

I've been going for it... since I don't experience blah acutely very often, I have been enthusiastic to take the dive and see what pretty pearls I can come up with from the deep and curious.

I wrote "Chiaroscuro" to distinguish distinctions of character of two on-going conversations I am having with two important people in my life. Maybe I like the challenge... I would like to create something really great with both people and the demands of honesty and friendship are a lot more vigorous here than black and white straight ahead relationships. I am taking on the shades of gray. I distrust one because of history and I trust the other because of choice. (I see also that distrust is a choice) I am aware that I can get myself carried away with any second guessing and insecurities.

I sit at a balance where "something wonderful" is available under my fingertips. But can I translate it into my life? It's like picking a beautiful composition I'd like to pursue to play as a masterpiece.. How shall I play my life?

Do I have the patience to make the mistakes in exchange for learning to listen to its development? What facility do I have to create expressiveness and freedom and beauty in light of possible conflict and misunderstanding? Can I be focused and disciplined and manage my own internal dramas so not to undermine myself?

The shades of gray are lending the opportunity to practice... to practice mastery and not failure is the choice and so therefore... i sit in the blah-ness of life.

Blah happens... and it is a good thing...

JNET