I Don't Hate You But Want I to Strangle The Careless Person Out of You

Oh, sod off, you bumbling, clueless lollipop licking looney!

Such are the profane thoughts from an unhappy queen.

I felt like clocking someone today because I couldn't stand how happy he was. It wasn't his positive attitude that irked me but that he can be so positive in the face of so many mistakes. When I have to hear "sorry" so many times from the same person that it makes me feel like I have a new name; I find my patience is not infinite.

It's my fault. I've got a weak link in my kingdom and the sorry guy has me having to look after my back in looking after HIS back. AND He's lost in a reverie and doesn't get the concept that we're on the same team and that his mistakes are mine. How to reason with someone who says sorry like it's a magic word and skips away with such a clear mind after inconveniencing me is beyond me. Is this blind confidence in friendship?

I thought through my frustration today. I wondered if I simply was feeling compromised because I'm not feeling well. After some thought, I was sorry to learn that there was an "oops" person inside of him. I have a low tolerance of "oops" men. I start feeling like a mom and that is the grossest feeling a girl wants towards a man. If he was great, responsible, impeccable and not just looking after his own butt and his own interests... maybe I wouldn't feel so edgey. I'm babysitting and I'm not getting paid.

Who let the fly in the house? I did. I not only let him in my house but into my kingdom. And now I'm too tired and sick to get angry in a productive way. This queen can only lie down for now and close the door to end that echo of "sorry" buzzing down the hallway.

JNET

Where is JNET2?

Hello World...

This marks my second day of taking my silly meds that were to look after an annoying ache. I rarely take anything from doctors and have lived on vitamins and sunshine. Strangely and as expected as ABC explained to me... I feel worse than I have since I can remember.

Thank God I am not just a body. My head is pretty clear though I am in the quiet side right now. But straight after taking the medication, I feel a tad queasy and flu-ey. It's a tiny blow on my ego. I have prided myself on being indestructibly healthy and now I'm hugging a kleenex box like a commoner. EVERYONE gets sick except me.

I hope this is just a strange moment in my kingdom. I don't have the patience to be sick. My queenie appearance is compromised. It's difficult to be regal when you want to sneeze and cough.

And my car got rear-ended yesterday evening.... by a friend. I was not IN the car. The car was parked in the structure when my friend called saying he had 'good news'. I have to hand it to him for being clever at setting me up for the news. My car was up against his goliath and didn't have a chance. I guess my car will be getting a new ass.... how L A is that?

All these interruptions in life are temporary. I refuse to make a lifestyle out of misery.

I don't have time anyway. I have over 20 private students that I am coaching, I have a documentary that I hope gets filmed in the next month, I have a director who's movie gets released in May, I have a dance concert that I'm stage managing next weekend... a huge family event abroad in spring... and other miscellaneous things that a queen keeps in her itinerary.

I guess it's a good thing that I don't have the patience to be sick. I wouldn't get anything done.

Where is JNET?

Hello World.

I've disappeared into work work work work work work work work work. Get the picture? And living the life of a queen in the trenches of appointments, commitments, networking parties has made me wishing for the carefree days of being a happy and content recluse.

Am I happy?

Yes. But I think I need someone to clean my house for me, make my meals, pay my bills so that I can concentrate on my work. Getting on a creative track I also lose time so I've not been eating or sleeping or pampering myself doing girlie stuff which affords me time to be reflective.

And so I am now sick. I'm taking medication and I'm being told to sleep and slow down. But being so good at keeping my queenie appearance... who can tell? I'm dressed and pressed and "on stage" with my "the show must go on attitude." I can only hope that I don't pop.

I spoke with my mathematician last week (he works more intensely than I) and I felt light and happy and remembered... ahhh yes... My muse inspires me to my work... and I miss him but I've been too busy to bother.

I've been surrounded by other suitors vying for the mathematician's position. Sometimes I wish I could just fall in love with one of my other prospective suitors. I'm being offered the world in their hands. They are all wonderful and interesting... but they are not my mathematician. I'm incredibly busy anyway.

This weekend I have an Oscar Party to attend in Beverly Hills right after dance rehearsal on Sunday... which I'll dash to from breakfast and church with J. That's just Sunday. Let's go backwards.... Saturday, I have a meeting with my director from 3pm til ????? At least I can practice the piano in the morning...

I miss practicing. I miss my piano. I have my own private coaching session tomorrow at 9am and I wish I could say that I have that Beethoven 3rd movement perfectly under my fingers. It is 15 pages. I think I have the first half down well enough... at least to not feel embarrassed to show up for my lesson. I know I'm beating myself up. My coach thinks I'm crazy with my schedule and I refuse to drop my weekly lesson. It's my favorite part of my week.

Where is JNET? My friends have asked and have noticed that I'm blogging less.

I've been in my head.

I miss the leisure pace of my former life. I haven't gotten my balance right just yet but I love what I am doing. I haven't taken care of myself as well as I was so disciplined in doing. I miss my mathematician and I am being pursued by other men.

And I thought having a boyfriend to take care of would be time-consuming and complicated. Being out in the real adult world of work has taken me out of my easy world of children and parents... bringing me to the attention of kings seeking someone to rule their worlds with them.

It is a tempting offer to any girl to take the world... But then again... I don't see Jnetsworld possible through those offers thus far.

I love Jnetsworld. I love my life. I guess I'll continue with my journey and all the bumps and hurdles because all this unbalance, missing and being sick is temporary.

Time to get out of my head and back into life.

I love you all. Thanks for your calls and concerns.

JNET