The High Road of Silence Comes to An End

the high road of silence comes to an end

How do you make peace with someone that you feel has not only hurt you but has also exploited you?

There are those who insist that the higher road is to choose silence. But is it truly the case that peace is held at bay by time and that healing comes thereafter with connectedness and understanding?

I do believe silence is powerful. Silence soothes heated times. It prevents careless words of haste to be burned into memories. It also gives space for words or acts of reconciliation to make a spontaneous appearance.

Earlier this year, it was disheartening to realize that the basis of a friendship I had - depended on my silence and unconditional subsidizing. Being forthright in conversation yet trying to be sensitive to my friend's troubled life was met with flattery and promises... think Wimpy from Popeye in terms of fiscal irresponsibility. No amount of "thank yous" and "you are so great" covers when you cannot financially support a friend and you find yourself living in a sinking ship. I saw a friendship reveal itself false. Things got messy (understatement).

I could've walked away from the pretense accepting on my part as well - to pretend with them that things were peachy keen. But how do you stay silent when something unethical or shady is at hand? Life was not feeling like a whimsical cartoon; it was intense, unstable and ambiguous.

There is no surprise then that something like Enron and Maddoff can happen.. when there is a bit of the same shuffle and flair happening it front of your eyes and you can choose to just be shocked and remain silent. Or, get over the shock, see if anything more happens to confirm what you hope is not true and only after that, get upset for real and act.

Act when there are things amiss and you are being "encouraged" to support questionable people who insist on being above reproach.

Act? No way. Too scary. What about the possible drama?

Tough call.

I kept my peace to a point where I didn't even want to see people because I didn't want to mention that my (false)friend and I fell out and that its worst than I thought. Friends don't like to feel like they are in the middle of a divorce unless they have something useful to say or do.

I couldn't just stay quiet after allowing Life to reveal more about the character of the people that needed "writing off." When I saw that they had a blatant disregard and less than professional ethic that I could just silently witness so that they can laugh and carry on, I felt ill.

It just isn't the way I am. I can be patient. But silent before disregard and disrespect and unprofessionalism, I cannot.

I was also colorfully invited with a combination of angry threats and insults...

To silence.

I ask myself... how do you make peace with someone that you feel has not only hurt you but has exploited you? And tell me also, how do you make peace with someone that you thought was a friend and could have served as a mediator of the conflict or remained neutral (fair enough) but chose instead to be antagonistic?

My enthusiasm for a "business meeting" to sort things out were more than less than inspired. Seriously, how do you plan a business meeting with people that thug out and get "all ghetto" on you?

Would you take orders from someone that insists that you be positive in your shutting up? And speaks to you "professionally" by telling you to shut the !@#% up and not bring your "daddy issues" to the table?

Tell me..

Would you acquiesce?

Life is interesting. Interesting has lots of different definitions... and this is the part of interesting that I do not care for.

I did what any intelligent concerned person would do when threatened. I checked in with a couple of trusted friends to double check what I wrote and consulted with a couple of attorneys.

Blame my daddy issues.

I feel much better.

JNET

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POEM: From Jane Gault - a reprise

poem: from jane gault - a reprise


Inspired by John Gault's Radio Address in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged." I wrote this several years ago... I bring it forward to encourage a friend... and a reminder to myself that all is not well with the world.

Because how you love life passionately is not in the same spirit as others.

FROM JNET ... ie JANE GAULT....

The last of my words I leave to those heros hidden in the world
Held prisoner within the beauty of a soul unfurled
Of virtue and desperate determination

My friends in spirit, keep watch your border
For lingering enemies await to bring disorder
Hurling hatred upon a path of an honest life

Where roads have been laid down with passionate invention and emotions
To serve hungry nations of voracious appetites and notions
And you are held by means of your endurance

As your generousity extends to bear their sorrow and concerns
Innocent of their sulfurous hearts as their mind burns
A crack on the sidewalk disguishes

Their evil in cries of despair
And you stand unaware
Unable to conceive of their intentions

In giving every benefit of every doubt
You refuse to condemn that which eludes you
Devout to understanding

You stand with your love for life
They chant quiet prayers of strife
As you naively call them friend
They plan your love for life to end

Copyright ©2005 J. R. Hollyday­

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Pas de Touche

pas de touche­

The Rue de Cascades piece is my voice for now.

The driving bass declares my existence accompanied by a melody that is complex and articulate. On purpose. Tiersen contrasts the phrases using dynamics. There is a loud way to say things and there is a quieter way as well. The spirit of the piece is my voice... full of sound and fury... yet mindful of the control it takes to execute the piece beautifully.

My heart is broken but I refuse to accept the imposed silence. Playing music reminds me that I am alive... that I have a heart that speaks above the dissonance.... that I love and that passion is never silent.
­
JNET

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Teaching Sensitivity

teaching sensitivity­

My student, B is thirteen and he has finally memorized Albeniz's Capricho Catal¡n. We've been working on it juxtaposed to Satie's Gymnopedie No. 1.

He favors the Satie piece (not memorized yet) for he plays it with a sensitivity that is remarkable. It is such a gentle piece with mild dissonances. He plays it with such intention that the melody floats. He plays it in such a way that shows me that he is especially connected to this piece.

But that sensitivity is not consistent - as if he disconnects from himself a tiny bit during particular measures.

The faster and cheerful Albeniz piece needs more detailed study. It's busier and perhaps being on purpose and intentional is more demanding. But how to listen slowly when things are fast? Such is the dilemma with some. Slower piece are easier to be present with while faster pieces demand a great deal of attention.

He's already listening in such a way that most grown ups have not trained themselves to do. And to grow his sensitivity I teach him to listen to his playing in a new way each week, approaching the piece from a new perspective.

This week we did heart surgery.

JNET: "Did you know that those that study music are the highest admitted group of people to medical school?"

B: "No." His eyes getting bigger with interest. His father is a doctor and his mother is a nurse. Most of my students have parents in the medical field though I also teach many attorney's families as well.

JNET: "A surgeon requires a great deal of sensitivity to operate. His work is very delicate and precise. I would like you to especially go over those chromatic passages as a surgeon. Stretch your ritardandos. Exaggerate for now just to see the range you can stretch your expression. You don't play simply from your mind. Project your music with your body and try leaning in to be more on purpose. Do surgery, a delicate operation that demands even more attention from you."

He immediately took to the operating table and the music was a new creation. I'm looking forward to seeing how my young surgeon will sound next week. Perhaps a week of practice will not only open a new sound from him but also a new world to which he looks at with delicate attention.

Can you also consider looking at the world with delicate attention and listening to how you express yourself? Happy practicing.

JNET

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Oh Captain, My Captain

oh captain, my captain


A tale of two leaders¦

The opportunity of conflict and how one leads to create a resolution brought some insights to me this past week. I learned that conflict reveals the noble or less than noble character of a leader. Conflict also reveals ones value toward something or someone for one ismotivated to bring peace and stability to that which one loves and values and as quickly as possible.

Would a king sacrifice his queen?

By queen, I am not referring necessarily to a literal person but rather a principle or value; something that you stand by and grow with. And that which you stand by and value defines you as well as your actions.

And Im not talking about some little pet project or a little nursery rhyme song to arrange. Im talking about building a dream; composing a symphony that draws out your heart and soul.

This past week, two leaders in my life revealed why I follow one and why Ive lost feeling any sense of loyalty to another. Ive know both for relatively a similar amount of time. Both are friends ONE of which I devoted a great deal of time and effort towards helping tobuild his project. It was rigorous. I was one of the first people there and the last to leave but I enjoyed every moment of the 15 hour work day. I happily gave up opportunities of work and performance elsewhere.

I thought he, OPOO, was a worthy king and I wouldve at the time helped build anything he requested. I felt like a valued first chair in the orchestra and I took everything my conductor said to heart and wanted to create good work.

A conflict arose in his orchestra and he left it between myself and the other person to sort out our differences during a timely haitus during which he said he had a pile of arrangements to sort through. He mentioned that he was happy with my work and that he was also excited to share something particular to me in the future.

That is fine and fair. The hiatus was a welcome buffer and I was excited to see copies of what he wanted to share. But a resolution between myself and the other chair was never met.

Four months later, the conductor began the new season with the full orchestra minus me.

And that was fine. He was afterall, king and conductor of his project and I respected that and figured that he had to consider for himself about the best blend of sound he needed.

He never contacted me regarding the something he wanted to share with me. More time passed and I saw the works he was creating and saw that I was edited out. He pulled my name, picture and credit from what he was building without checking in with me. He couldve said thank you but that he wanted to continue composing his work without me. He didnt consider that those actions would break my heart and love for what he stood for. The kindness that he once showed me to draw better art of myself cadenced to actions that I did not understand yet felt very acutely.

And I never said a word of complaint. I was gutted. I didnt know what to say.

Seven months passed before I wrote of it.

more here...

10.10.10

10.10.10

Ten is the number for perfection and order.

I am spending this day of perfection and order at home to reflect.

KNL is meeting for dance rehearsal and this is the first time that I have chosen to not perform. I will be attending their 20th anniversary gala performance at the Los Angeles Theatre Center next month though and will enjoy being a friend and fan of their work. I love dance and its demands but didn't have the space for rehearsals. I get my fix for now attending flamenco and the occassional bollywood dance class.

2010's resolution of clarity and focus has called into jnetsworld some rigorous conversation within and with others so that that I may enjoy a clearer path towards the future. (Yes, I still am trying to keep on target with my new year's resolution on this October day. Don't tell me you've chucked yours into the bin!)

Questionable friends have been placed at the end of a long table and my home is truly home to me now and I don't need a roommate to make it fill with life and sound. I must be on the right track because I've been fortunately blessed with opportunities and new students to confidently thrive solo.

Clearing my world of certain people was not easy. Where straight forward conversation did not work - silence worked best. I think I spent the good first quarter of the year just LISTENING to the spin of some people. If you think facebooking takes up unnecessary time and energy, reconsider how keeping company with certain people in REAL TIME is actually worse.

I stopped playing audience to people who compromised the spotlight and had not shared the stage during social settings... who used me in place of hiring a therapist, ... who spoke with pretense and had a string of broken promises and needed people to bail them out of their chronic troubles.

I actually now have time to enjoy my true friendships and don't feel exhausted to enjoy time with my family.

DAAYYYYUUUMMM, you ejected people from jnetsworld???!!!

Yes.. As nicely as possible to define personal boundaries and within social protocol. For those that could care less about JNET borders, were ignorant or thought themselves above social niceties and were curious how far they can push for money, energy, and time; things were messy.

I wish I did it sooner. I would have not suffered the illnesses I had. I would have saved money and a lot of stress and tears. My two years work with Clandestine Wax Cutie finally defined to me what it meant to be "thrown under the bus." I had never heard the term before knowing them.

I was naive and now I am all the wiser.

The world is still full of awesome, good, kind, generous, fun people.

It's 10.10.10 and I am in love and I am loved. Why? Because I took on loving myself by sticking to my resolution for clarity and focus. I didn't want to second guess my life in 2010.

Do you want to get more clarity and focus for your life? You write the story. Yet, would you let someone else's voice write into your book indiscriminately with their doodlings and expressions of crayon? Something to think about on this perfect ten of a day.

JNET

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