Which Way To Take The Stairs?

Would you prefer going up to watch a spectacular sunset or go downhill where it is darker and colder?

It seems like an obvious choice but changing the "view" to a different dimension makes for some interesting hiking.

"JNET, I thought I was picky. You are pickier than me. Have you thought of lowering your expectations?"

If I want to enjoy a view or perspective of life, why should I sacrifice my own dreams and fulfill someone else's dreams at the expense of my own? Why should I take the stairs down a few notches so that I can have the almighty status symbol of a boyfriend? oooh ahhhh

It is the decade of my life where my mom, friends, and family are all sitting on the edge of their seats wondering when I'll jump on the marriage and children boat. It seems to be the ONLY topic that makes everyone excited. Though I have enthusiastic thoughts, I haven't met anyone worth sailing with. And the ones that have caught my interest are focused on their personal stairway. We say to each other... "see you at the top."

Love without the impulse to possess but rather to encourage "becoming" the fullness of one's possibility.... I suppose it's unconventional but it is not without a great deal of love and passion... the energy is simply transmuted.

If I am fulfilled and enjoying a certain sense of prosperity within the pleasure of my solitude, why would I want to inherit someone's certain shortcomings just to "be with someone"? If I work really hard at being the way I am and go through a great deal of discipline to create my life, why would I choose someone I couldn't admire?

I don't want to be "taken care of" by a sweetheart.... that's the mere frosting to a much more complex and exciting cake.

This evening, I had dinner with Mr. B who amused himself with my company. He finally got that though he is charmed with me and thinks I'm his perfect match, he hasn't revealed much that has inspired me to think that he qualifies a place in my heart beyond friendship.

Of course I love, I told him. I deeply love my friends.... ahh but what I'm looking for is another conversation and language. I don't put anyone "out". Friendship is a place where I listen and witness lives.

It is easy to enjoy sunsets and spectacular views... but most will retreat to their caves. I want to know what's at the top. Mr. B dreams of the top but retreats to a cave. In friendship, he admits this to me and is on his path. He leaves a lot for me to question as opposed to feel reassured over. At this junction, aligning myself beyond friendship would make me his cavegirl. I want someone braver. And knowing the risks or challenges that I sometimes take, my choices would be disagreeable to someone wishing to take a "safer route". I need someone who dreams of the top AND dreams at the top and overcomes challenges with grace and fortitude. That is loving life with freedom.

This is how I see life... I don't want to dream of it from a cave or be someone's cavegirl. I love my life and follow the light that delights me.

JNET

I Don't Cry, I Fly

Not that I'm an insensitive uber bitch...

N called crying out her eyes. She was worrying over things that had yet to transpire and there was an obvious path to take to smooth out the bumpy ride. It took a while to get a word into her head. She kept crying at that high whiny place that's up there with

hysterically upset.

She really wanted someone to save her. Someone to offer to take care of all her problems so that she can take a backseat and not have to be responsible. Life was unfair that things had fallen on her lap and she wanted someone to take her problems on their own lap.

What did I do?

I gave her a good talking to... (nicely) and told her that she was a couple of responsible conversations away from making things work for her. She was so out of sorts that she couldn't think straight. She also got herself in a bit of a pickle, telling her parents a major fib that's finally caught up with her.

I have my trying times but never to a point where I can't think straight... maybe a little wavy... but never to a point where life is desperate (when it's really not).

I ran several circles in my mind this past week. A couple of unexpected expenses came up that I had to seriously reconsider my situation of insisting in living alone. I can afford to pay rent and living expenses as well as save. But the past emergencies compromised my routine to save and told me that I really didn't have much buffer space.

How to raise a X amount to cover expenses, put X into savings and plan strategy of getting out of rat race? I suppose I could've gone into OMIGOD mode and ranted, cried and lamented the "unfairness" of life. I analyzed the yoyos of life that I ride and got that I've managed to stay afloat and ride my yoyo with a little more grace with practice.

I think I've lived through enough drama already that I just stare at situations and think... hmmm... how do I get myself out of this pickle? To say the least, I came up with a win-win solution and it took less than 6 hours and 2 emails...

Sometimes I wish I knew how to cry. I wonder what it would be like to have someone save me. Perhaps, I want a more romantic "saving" ... someone to come into my life and "save me" in such a way that is more magical and unexpected than desperate.

I'm not totally cold. Music easily moves me to tears as well as a good movie. There... a sliver of humanity flows through my veins.

My brother once told me that he thought that the butterfly was the perfect symbol for me, representing independence, transformation - being carefree and unattached.

I don't cry. I fly.

JNET

My Blue Heart

This is how people look to me. Some are brighter and clearer than others and we all are blurry as we learn to make sense of our selves and one another.

I am looking for my heart that stands out to me. Some chase the brightest one or the one in the center. Some pick their favorite color. Which one would you choose?

Do you see my favorite heart? It is the blue one on the left; the one that stands alone. That heart is the most attractive to me. It is clear and not as bright as the others. But the blue heart to me is the leader here. And the other hearts are brighter because my blue heart does that to others. He humbly builds others and looks to them with delight. He's like a cherished conductor to an orchestra.

Which one is me?

I'm the bright, white heart and I shine so much because the blue heart makes me glow. But I'm too bright and blurred because I'm working on becoming clear and learning how to concentrate and shine inward. That's me learning about discipline and focus, having a party in my mind because I met a blue heart. When I learn to be more focused and disciplined I'll shine inward like my blue heart.

I also have to shed the blur of gold hearts that cling to me too. I sometime attract hearts that insist in being too close to me... they are even blurrier. All they see is me and they think my energy is theirs unaware of their intrusions in the space of the well-intentions.

What will the future look like?

My heart will be closer to the blue heart and I will help others shine brighter than me. Everything will be clear and bright.

hmmm...

How I love my blue heart.

JNET

Riding a Gray Wave

There are days when I feel like I have the world on the palm of my hand. And there are days when I feel like I've misplaced it.

I've been feeling UGLY lately... monstrousfully UGLY.

I sat with my imperfections this week and they laughed at me. Never mind that I have a mind and talents that bring me respect and admiration, never mind that I have a healthy and fit body that enjoys bikini summers, never mind that I have the support of friends and family that lavish love and compliments upon me.

Love has a way of thinking everything is beautiful and overlooking imperfections.

This week, I guess, I didn't love myself as much as everyone.

I beat myself to a pulp. I magnified the ugliness that everyone overlooks....

"What? You're getting braces? What for? .... What? You don't need to diet. You look great.... What? You're thinking of getting a roommate? You can afford to be on your own."

The imperfections gave me terrific headaches this week... as well as a cold. I stayed home again and missed Oscar parties. (Sick again for another Oscar party.) I joked with my friends that when I'm up for my Oscar, I'll have to spend a couple weeks just resting so that I don't have to send a proxy in my place.

My broken esteem went through my mind wondering which friend will I send. heh

The world was on the palm of my hand just a second ago...

Where did I put it?

JNET

Life is HOT

After having my nerves get a bit of a rattle this week from having a blowout while driving on the freeway. I found myself crying while driving this week.

Fear is such an irrational thing.

I purchased four brand new tires. Did I purchase security? Didn't work. I had to force myself to drive this week and work through my emotional impulses. And I am someone that LOVES to drive... I'm just dealing with some new baggage I picked up after narrowing escaping a violent end to myself. I'm on a mission to get rid of this extra cargo.

Anyway, I threw two impromptu little get togethers earlier this week as well as had 4 out of town visitors in the past 48 hours. My bestfriend from high school who also was my roommate when we went away to college visited Thursday. Her husband just got a full time position to teach at a local community college. I am so looking forward to being able to hang out with her when she moves to Los Angeles permenantly in the fall. Today, my cousin came up from San Diego for the day en route to Las Vegas and another friend came up from San Diego to have dinner with me. .

Did I mention that my apartment building also had a little fire this morning?

Yeah... yup yup yup... Mr. Fire Chief was here in less than 5 minutes... everything was under control lickety split. I was one of the few people home so lucky me was the one to relay messages to the management office and post signs around the building not to do laundry.

Whoever was using the dryer last fried their knickers.

It's been a full week. a FULL week. Champagne, friends, yoga, friends, near car accidents, baby baptism, family, dance performance, friends, a fire and teaching. Never a boring moment...

JNET

Commanding the Mood

I was greeted with a mixed bag of bittersweets for Valentine's Day yesterday. Ambivalent "Happy Single Awareness Day" greetings from "singles" as well as sweet Happy Heart Day greetings from my students and their parents.

I do have my crush (sigh... the mathematician) but I don't have any official papers on him. My crushy feelings seem to suspend in time as he completes his studies. I haven't seen him in like FOREVER. AND I don't think there is anything WRONG or BAD with that. Isn't it a good thing to enjoy solo thoughts and living? I've been living a pretty full life without a boyfriend in constant tow.

Once I finally nest and set up house, my solo thoughts will be on a new routine. I have yet to grow (up) HA! blossom and be inspired to that next phase of life.

Yesterday, I listened to a few singles complain and rant about V day.

"It's just another day. Who cares?"

They are jaded over the holiday before having fallen in love.

Where OH where....is that simple innocence of just being happy over the promise and romantic notion that love exists and appreciating the different shades of love that Life blesses one is already amazing?

Last night, I had a champagne evening with friends. We toasted to our futures of great promise and enjoyed an evening of gratitude. Where other singles might have chosen to poop on the promise of love, my friends toasted to a future of more love and had a great night to not boo hoo our single life away in self-pity.

To those that were filled with bitterness and loneliness, I have to wonder how does one somehow believe that happiness is dependent on someone else and not one's own self?

How can one finally celebrate and enjoy love when one does not believe life has so much promise and already there are things to be grateful for? If you think cynically about love, what will you create in your future versus if you thought otherwise?

I command my mood and enjoy my life and look forward to it further unfolding. My friends and I celebrated a happy night, being single, and aware...

AWARE: informed; alert; knowledgeable; sophisticated

It's a good thing to be a sophisticated happy single.... YES? I think it's SEXY!!!

JNET

We've Captured Cupid and he's OUR slave!!

Looking Forward to ANOTHER Happy Single Awareness Day???

We ARE!!!!


I've notoriously avoided being monopolized for St. Valentine's Day. No, I'm not ANTI-ROMANTIC. It's a day that is just TOO important to throw to a practicing true love. I think my practicing sweethearts also appreciate not having to worry about V day. The poor darlings are so worried over their work or their studies.

Being a hopeful romantic, I do love reading Valentine's cards and have a little collection that I'm saving for my future sweetheart though. I have no idea how I'd celebrate V day with a single honey bunny. Somehow, it makes sense to celebrate love as a party... just like grade school when love seemed more unconditional and less totalitarian... hmmmpf

ANYWAY, here at the JNETSWORLD ranch, for Valentine's Day 2007, I'm planning another fun night with friends to celebrate being single, unjadedly optimistic and full of promise over future love.

We're taking over a local bikram yoga studio and claiming it as the beginning of a "hot" evening. If you're a los angelino and you want to join our posse, meet us at Studio City Bikram Yoga for the 8pm class. :)

This is for those joining us tomorrow....

******************************************
A couple of things to smooth out the evening.

Remember a towel, little washcloth and lots of water :) And a yoga mat if you have one.... bring a spare to share if you have one :)

If you arrive by 7:30 we can squish into one or two cars or more if need be and go to the 8pm class. Otherwise, if you miss us, you will need to meet us at bikram yoga of studio city.

Pray for your parking karma when coming to my place, parking is a premium find but not hopeless.

IF you are passing on doing a yoga class (because you are a WIMP!) or just prefer to join us to hang after yoga :) Class gets out at 9:30 pm. I will possibly have a friend home to greet your lazy ass.

Bring me flowers, a card, and champagne! Just kidding;)

Bring whatever you wish to show off and share... bring valentines if you wish (the kind you and your mom filled out the night before Valentines Day) but most of all, bring your cool sweet self!!!

JNET

PS... Drive safely, there will be crazy, mean couples clogging up the roads with their loveless road rage.

Happy Single Awareness Day!

Angels on Steroids

"JNET, your angels are on steroids!"

I am a VERY lucky girl to be alive. Very lucky.

I am here again on borrowed time. Hello world.

Friday night I zipped down to San Diego, joined by my brother's mother-in-law. She was a good sport riding in my 78 Beetle. It is not quite as quiet and insulated as a more modern car. But she felt safe and happy as I zoomed and delivered her safely to my brother and his wife.

Saturday morning at 8am my nephew had his baptism ceremony at St. Joseph's. It was a beautiful ceremony and RC was content and calm through everything. Young Mr. Handsome didn't give a fuss being passed around for kisses and photo takes at all. I was impressed and especially happy that my brother asked me to be "godmother".

HMMM... I didn't wear my butterfly wings. I had joked that I wanted to be a "fairy godmother." OH WELL.

Anyway, lunch reception was great fun joking around and catching up with everyone but I had to dash back to Los Angeles for a 4:30pm call. I was performing at a dance performance in the evening and G was my carpool.

I left San Diego and enjoyed zooming back north being a bit naughty pushing my speed at some points. I had been without my bug for a couple of weeks due to body and restoration work and was enjoying my "new" wheels. I gave G a quick call around 3:30ish to say that I was making great time and will see him at quarter past four.

I was climbing the 134 from Pasadena. I remember a claustrophobic feeling in being pinned in a cluster of cars as a row of slow pokes hemmed a school of cars behind them. Not liking that, I shimmied my way from that elephant pack and was able to push forward and gain some breathing space...

When all of a sudden my car started to swerve and lose control.

I can't remember looking forward, I was concentrating on not 360ing. I remember seeing the cars that were behind me and was lucky the ones that were once tightly sardining me got out of the way.

There was no time to panic. My rear tire had blownout and I was fishtailing. I think I tried my brakes once and not liking the results concentrated on manhandling my car to keep pointing at the right direction of traffic while attempting to get it on a shoulder (also a rare piece of real estate on the Los Angeles freeways)..

By my "angels on steroids", the traffic adjusted behind me, my car kept enough control to get me off the freeway despite the fact that I was previously flying, a rare huge piece of shoulder was available for me to park... AND a metro transportation employeee came to aid me.

I never had a second alone. My car had a blowout but didn't suffer a single scratch... nor I... nor anyone. AAA came soon after to tow my car home and put on my spare tire over there. I was too stunned and shook over to drive.

And then G came over to pick me up so to carpool me to the wedding reception where we performed. It was a successful event and the guests have no idea what I went through in order to make my commitment.

I haven't told my family about it either. I don't like to worry them.

All I can say is...I AM A VERY LUCKY GIRL and it's GOOD TO BE ALIVE:)

With many thanks to my angels on steroids.

JNET

Miss Valentine

I am splashing along.

"Why don't you JUST PICK SOMEONE!?!" Is a question occasionally put to me.

It's a funny and curious demand. But like this picture above, I am simply enjoying the delightful ride of life. The valentine vise grip of expection is approaching and I've already planned for an evening at home with friends thus escaping fulfilling pretentious airs over romance.

I'm going to be everyone's Miss Valentine, giving everyone a pretty card and treat just like third grade in Mrs. Comiak's class.

OHHH PICK, PICK, PICKLES!!!

Pick is an awful word. Let Mr. Webster elaborate why I'll not PICK...

PICK:

1) to choose or select from among a group
2) to seek and find occasion for; provoke
3) to steal the contents of
4) to open (a lock) with a device other than the key, as a sharp instrument or wire, esp. for the purpose of burglary.
5) to detach or remove piece by piece with the fingers
6) to pierce, indent, dig into, or break up (something) with a pointed instrument

You get the idea. PICK is not a pretty word in JNETSWORLD. The nuances around the word are manipulative.

For this coming Valentine's Day, I have a choice valentine who I've been crushing on for awhile (the mathematician). But our ships have not crossed. Therefore, I will delight in my own journey, making a splash with life, enjoying the possibilities.

Come over if you want to celebrate Valentine's Day like you did in third grade when V Day was a day of friendship, innocence and promise. Everyone felt loved because everyone just loved everyone (by those cute tiny cards with sweet endearments by Strawberry Shortcake or Sponge Bob)

If you've been fortunate to be chosen and feel chosen or have the confidence and good fortune to have found someone to choose then Valentine's Day is just a day with frosting on top of your cake of life.

I'm baking a cake for now.

JNET