Knightly Advice

JC gave me some wisdom of the world and I got dizzy.

If I had to outline the lunch syllabus, I suppose this would be it:

The perils of being nice

Jaded but human

Alpha Vs. Beta

The Feminine Drama and Challenge Addiction

And lastly...

To be vulnerable... sometimes death seems more welcome...

So life is a bit upside down right now and so I thought meeting with a friend to listen to their woes and be supportive would be good. Instead, my mind got flooded as he analyzed the varying dynamics of dating relationships. Having just broken up with his girlfriend, he's been on a mission to understand what he had gone through. He's studied, dissected and discussed his findings.

I was overwhelmed for everything he said made sense and made me wonder if I'm hopeless. He named my private obsessions and insecurities in a textbook sort of way. And I felt exposed in my naivete of some things.

How can I live any other way? I've been socialized just the way you mentioned, JC, and now I am a cog in the machinery of human relationship.

I am a toaster.... that debates with my private fears... perhaps I am alive... a mere scaredy cat in a corner navigating through the fears of potential beloveds standing at corners in front of me... I am the perpetual friend who's mastered being platonic to an art form.

Confused by the demands and declarations of false suitors who pride themselves in a game where I bear witness to freefalls of insincereity, I am discouraged in trusting my instincts. And what if I follow my instincts despite my fears.. Shall I call it a disaster if my fears slow me down and I see that his fears have him too and we speak of dreams and love in fitful spurts?

What is love? What is instinct? What is madness? How do I distinguish anything?

JNET