Riding a Gray Wave

There are days when I feel like I have the world on the palm of my hand. And there are days when I feel like I've misplaced it.

I've been feeling UGLY lately... monstrousfully UGLY.

I sat with my imperfections this week and they laughed at me. Never mind that I have a mind and talents that bring me respect and admiration, never mind that I have a healthy and fit body that enjoys bikini summers, never mind that I have the support of friends and family that lavish love and compliments upon me.

Love has a way of thinking everything is beautiful and overlooking imperfections.

This week, I guess, I didn't love myself as much as everyone.

I beat myself to a pulp. I magnified the ugliness that everyone overlooks....

"What? You're getting braces? What for? .... What? You don't need to diet. You look great.... What? You're thinking of getting a roommate? You can afford to be on your own."

The imperfections gave me terrific headaches this week... as well as a cold. I stayed home again and missed Oscar parties. (Sick again for another Oscar party.) I joked with my friends that when I'm up for my Oscar, I'll have to spend a couple weeks just resting so that I don't have to send a proxy in my place.

My broken esteem went through my mind wondering which friend will I send. heh

The world was on the palm of my hand just a second ago...

Where did I put it?

JNET

Life is HOT

After having my nerves get a bit of a rattle this week from having a blowout while driving on the freeway. I found myself crying while driving this week.

Fear is such an irrational thing.

I purchased four brand new tires. Did I purchase security? Didn't work. I had to force myself to drive this week and work through my emotional impulses. And I am someone that LOVES to drive... I'm just dealing with some new baggage I picked up after narrowing escaping a violent end to myself. I'm on a mission to get rid of this extra cargo.

Anyway, I threw two impromptu little get togethers earlier this week as well as had 4 out of town visitors in the past 48 hours. My bestfriend from high school who also was my roommate when we went away to college visited Thursday. Her husband just got a full time position to teach at a local community college. I am so looking forward to being able to hang out with her when she moves to Los Angeles permenantly in the fall. Today, my cousin came up from San Diego for the day en route to Las Vegas and another friend came up from San Diego to have dinner with me. .

Did I mention that my apartment building also had a little fire this morning?

Yeah... yup yup yup... Mr. Fire Chief was here in less than 5 minutes... everything was under control lickety split. I was one of the few people home so lucky me was the one to relay messages to the management office and post signs around the building not to do laundry.

Whoever was using the dryer last fried their knickers.

It's been a full week. a FULL week. Champagne, friends, yoga, friends, near car accidents, baby baptism, family, dance performance, friends, a fire and teaching. Never a boring moment...

JNET

Commanding the Mood

I was greeted with a mixed bag of bittersweets for Valentine's Day yesterday. Ambivalent "Happy Single Awareness Day" greetings from "singles" as well as sweet Happy Heart Day greetings from my students and their parents.

I do have my crush (sigh... the mathematician) but I don't have any official papers on him. My crushy feelings seem to suspend in time as he completes his studies. I haven't seen him in like FOREVER. AND I don't think there is anything WRONG or BAD with that. Isn't it a good thing to enjoy solo thoughts and living? I've been living a pretty full life without a boyfriend in constant tow.

Once I finally nest and set up house, my solo thoughts will be on a new routine. I have yet to grow (up) HA! blossom and be inspired to that next phase of life.

Yesterday, I listened to a few singles complain and rant about V day.

"It's just another day. Who cares?"

They are jaded over the holiday before having fallen in love.

Where OH where....is that simple innocence of just being happy over the promise and romantic notion that love exists and appreciating the different shades of love that Life blesses one is already amazing?

Last night, I had a champagne evening with friends. We toasted to our futures of great promise and enjoyed an evening of gratitude. Where other singles might have chosen to poop on the promise of love, my friends toasted to a future of more love and had a great night to not boo hoo our single life away in self-pity.

To those that were filled with bitterness and loneliness, I have to wonder how does one somehow believe that happiness is dependent on someone else and not one's own self?

How can one finally celebrate and enjoy love when one does not believe life has so much promise and already there are things to be grateful for? If you think cynically about love, what will you create in your future versus if you thought otherwise?

I command my mood and enjoy my life and look forward to it further unfolding. My friends and I celebrated a happy night, being single, and aware...

AWARE: informed; alert; knowledgeable; sophisticated

It's a good thing to be a sophisticated happy single.... YES? I think it's SEXY!!!

JNET