otd: walking on rainbows

Once upon a time….

I lived as if jelly beans and champagne coursed through my veins.

Before you trip over figurative language, let me ask you…

Do you remember a time when you laughed, smiled and danced a lot? Thought the world was exciting;, the days welcome to wake to, the evenings a time to stretch hours?

You sprang out of bed and you felt compelled to stay up finding ways to extend time?

I walked on rainbows. You too?

I walked as some chose to leave as time passed. Different times. At nine years old, nineteen. After a milestone, new love or new job. Yet some chose to never walk off the rainbow, determined to adventure til they turned ninety nine and beyond.

I read my second post,“a happy thanksgiving with myself” and realized that I’ve not left the path I was on but rather I’m holding on to it from a different angle.

It’s not comfy. Imagine having your harness secure (support system ie friends and family) but your dangling in midair on your zip line because you’ve lost momentum.

That’s me.

Maybe you can relate too.

It’s a bit scary and embarrassing to not feel a wind on one’s sails.

On a bad day it’s a dull pain of thought and on a better day an urgency to go, fight, win hitting like a splash cold water.

I have a sense to want to pull myself upright and forward. Many days, slower than I’d like. Being discouraged and tired has now annoyed and frustrated me ….multiple times.

Do you know what scares me the most? 

The notion that I may forget how to be happy.

That is what compels me to write.

That…and being sick, tired and bored of how things are marching along. And like the beginnings of this blog, I am writing for myself. To help me make sense of anything that is good and right with my life, affirm my own existence and snap me out of my stuck on my zipline thinking.

And if it helps anyone who accidentally stumbles upon my world….. who relate to being midair. Reading quietly along so that they too may find their feet on the rainbow. Yay.

Jnet

outwitting the devil: awaking the sleeping warrior

Have you ever felt like you've woken up from a foggy nightmare only to realize that everything terrible that you've dreamed of did happen and that your waking moments were burdened by the weight of the experience?

Yet somehow, you had the tiniest bit of sense that you had to snap yourself out of a hypnotic, soul deadening way of being lest you lose yourself, living your days on a slow death march.

I used to.....

I can fill the blank with many many things.

I used to sing.  I used to dance.  I used to write.  I.........

My mind was filled with dizzying thoughts and fancies that I had to write, perform, do something to express that fervor for living.

And then I found myself silent.

Call it the fortress walls, the defense shields.  I placed all energy and trust into a protective system while I worked on restoring myself.  Time passed and I found that though I felt safe and parts of my world yet thrived; I was dying.

Wait... didn't my friends call me warrior?

Vague memories of bright yesterdays bank about a head that feels like swiss cheese.  I cannot rely on my friends or family to break the codes that will free me.  Loved ones are always there like guiding stars.  We all have our guiding stars.  Yes? And at the helm directing our feet forward and our thoughts beyond us, its simply you.

What say you captain?

What shall I tell myself?

I feel as brilliant as a brillo pad...and just as cute.

For now, I sleep walk.  Half awake, half asleep and weighed by a nightmare.

I don't remember how to be alive.

So I've returned to the beginning; to my first blog post.  Like a baby, I've put my feet upon the feet that knows how to walk.  I will use words that I once used so that I may find my voice again.

The future begins here....

I'm waking up...

JNET