I've disappeared into my work. Despite the fact that I am living crazy hours with TWO fulltime schedules, I am on cloud nine.
I'm getting paid to do what I love... writing and music... and I am working with friends and creating friends. Am I awake or am I dreaming?
I am looking forward to Saturday morning. I have a date with Beethoven. I miss having time to practice and have noticed that my fingers are getting out of shape moving a bit sluggish...
Life has been going a bit fast and the mathematician is in the thick of qualifying exams. In the blur of life, he becomes a bit of a blur in my reality. ARRGGHHH. I am afflicted. I miss him... having a good share of admirers is somewhat amusing but none of them add up to my crush.
I thought of throwing in the proverbial towel over being so utterly affected by sentimental feelings toward E, sitting in my justifications of well so and so is here and now... and he's so and so... The bottom line... they are all so so.... and I can't commit to someone that I feel ambivalent about.
Luckily I am incredibly busy. I have time to take stock of little personal interludes that I fit in tiny pockets of time and I get present to a bit of magnificence. A break to have tea with Mystic E to discuss metaphysics, life, business...and my friendship with ABC to discuss school, music, books and ways of thinking... My "boy friends" are soooo nice.... even though I tell them and sometimes ask them to promise to not go on crushing hard on me. I want to be their gal pal.
Gordonopolous calls me his platonic hot chick friend.
R says I'm a dude in a chick body.
I had a conversation with one of my girlfriends today while going on a hike up Fryman Canyon. I told her that I thought it was healthy to have friendships with guys... Call them pumpkin or sweetie but don't get involved... I think it just teaches guy to think that all female relationships either have to result into some sexy pepsi control dynamics or REJECTION. A connection can also result into a friendship that has loyalty, respect, and fun and endure longer than any love interest of the season. And it's nice not to hang out with girls all the time. So I have a group of friends and we hang out like bestfriends from kindergarten.
Valentine's Day will be interesting. I don't know if I should hide. In my attempts to not build any committed relationships because no one catches my eye like the mathematician, I seem to have created a collection of "friends" vying for a title that I keep saying is not available.
Someone once told me that guys and girls can never be friends... the attraction stuff gets in the way. The paradigm I am coming from is that we can all be friends, have the attraction stuff and make sure that it doesn't get in the way.
Choose friendship! If there is anything special meant to be for me.. it's because I've not only chosen friendship... rather I've chosen to declare someone special to me.
JNET
Very true girl. Friendship is probably the line where we should hold up for a long while. The attraction is something that makes us cross that line. Though without I we end up feeling empty. Having both is the right way to look at it. It takes a strong mind to understand that, one that can look beyond all the feelings and emotions that are so strong it makes me wonder why we try sometimes.
ReplyDeleteYou need not hide from V-day. Let it come to you as it works in ways unlike what you might expect. Hearts are subtle and will come over time. In the end though its up to you which hearts you want to keep. Just remember to keep hearts that you enjoy extended time with, beacause not all hearts are good at waiting, and in the end you will see the hearts that will last.