A Star Off Point is a Square

Hello Faithful Friends...

I have been disappearing into different worlds and this traveller is on hyperspeed.

I go between feeling the adrenaline rush and feeling absolutely tired or frustrated and that seems to be the theme in all parts of my life right now.

"Is my star balanced? Is my star balanced?".... Is a question I ask of myself to give myself a reality check. Imagine a star with five points... The five points are:

Intellectual
Emotional
Spiritual
Social
Physical

AND...None of the points are more important than the others...

Many moons ago during a camp retreat, I was given this star to help gauge the status of how I was handling life... Right now I can see right away where I am off balance: the physical point. I am not challenging myself and training to master my body in a way that is engaging me fully...

I've been living like a walking brain or computer these past few months and I'm started to have interesting moments that I can only explain as a manifestation of being a bit out of alignment.

Intellectually, I am happy with my current pursuits and the conversations I have with people that I see results across my "star." (minus the physical field) I become emotionally and spiritually satisfied within the social buzz that is my life... but without that one point in balance, I experience moments of feeling SQUARE. arrrggghhh

I need a massage. I need to take more hikes and walks... and thank God... dance rehearsal resumes a schedule... Being on a thinking run, I've neglected that I exist on other levels...

Thank you for checking in, though. I noticed that people have been visiting despite my lazy fingers not kicking out as many entries...

I am now going to get ready to throw myself out onto a canyon trail for a hike and remedy myself....

How is YOUR star balanced?

MUSIC: A Wink and a Smile

I celebrated a special birthday this past Monday at Charlie-O's Jazz Club. The club was FULL and most of the people had gathered around the piano bar to celebrate the man of the evening, Page Cavanaugh.... 84 years young.

I was struck by many things about the evening... Where to begin? I adored his arrangement of Cabaret and the chemistry between him and his players; Jason Lingle on drums and Phil Mallory on upright bass....is like watching good friends out cruising in a fast car on a gorgeous day. Their groove and rapport playing with one another has a life of its own.... and that life seems to manifest into the audience... as well as friends that came along to PLAY... and join into the fun...

Plas Johnson joined on sax.... and Mark Miller came up to sing a song...

It was a pleasure to be present to the "Page Effect"... I can see why my friend Jason, enjoys being part of the trio who says there is never a dull moment not with . Page's great storytelling of life at the jazz royal courts gathers his friends around the campfire as he shares tales about Sinatras and Coles... memories and adventures told with a wink and a smile...

Between sets, I was able to meet with a couple of friends and fans who have enjoyed many seasons listening to Page play. I, myself, came out to see one of my best friends play, Jason Lingle. I now can't wait to see them again... perhaps at their upcoming CD release party.

I think next time I want to sit right up next to the camp fire...

JNET

The Weirdness of Me

I've been tagged by Aristrocat who wishes that I humor him in sharing the weirdness of me.

I don't know how to pursue the matter because from my vantage point, everything I do is how I've been for all my life.

A common thing I may hear from friends is that they are always interested in what I'm up to now. I get that they understand me as someone who is always building, creating or working on something. But then I wonder... isn't EVERYONE up to something??? When someone asks.. "what's up?" I think perhaps a lot of people don't do themselves justice in taking stock and qualifying their experience that I think it's always a crazy answer when someone says.. "not much" or "the same stuff."

I'm paradoxically not a patient person but I'm not impatient. I have a lot of stamina to wait out a tenuous battle... but "I don't know people" or people with a knack for carelessness and stupidity bulldozing their indulgent personalities will find me an ice queen if they skate on thin ice. I love people and their idiosyncracies but certain discrepencies bring people to a final wall where there is no patience to hear them out.

I am a thinker. I am not driven by emotion though I have them and choose from the buffet table. I am very deliberate in what I do and say and I don't define deliberate as slow or not spontaneous. Slow is a choice as well as being spontaneous.

But can I really say that this is weird at all? I was raised this way and my family thinks and speaks this way. Shall I say then that my family is weird? I was raised with freedom to have an opinion, to disagree, to express myself. I was raised to never belittle in jest in a home where "dumb" and "stupid" were bad words and R-rated movies were not viewed or valued. Some of my friends would say that is weird. I can't say that I missed the sarcasm nor have I ever felt constrained from lack of swearing and watching slasher movies.

I am struggling here wondering what else to share as my weirdness... Let's see... I don't watch television and have never felt compelled to purchase one... I also don't have the patience to habitually sit in front of one... I'd rather be at the piano, at the computer or DOING something that makes for a more rigorous brain workout.

Is that weird? I know quite a few people who don't watch television... many of them work in the industry... Is that weird???

A part of me insists to keep some of my particular idiosyncracies for myself and my friends to enjoy... and with that statement, I'll embrace a piece of my privacy and end this blog entry.

Conflict of Words

ABC and I had a tete a tete over truth versus presentation last night.

He said that he valued truth over how it is told and we wrestled over the subject oddly enough. Yes, truth is the first objective if not the only objective when wanting to lead an authentic life. In my mind, I was thinking that truth is a given and so how it was presented was very important.

What use is truth if it doesn't land and is not heard? Isn't the point of "communication"... connection????

And so the sentiment of "hey, they have to take me for what I am... at least I'm honest.." seems to be a bit indulgent and self-centered... can one assert their identity without seeming unyielding and unempathetic?

I told ABC if there is room to be thoughtful and compassionate... why not take it? It may take a bit more brain power or care but since we only one go at life, why not practice to be a part of humanity that can create positive revolutions??

Do we need another conflict? Another war? Another misunderstanding??? Doesn't that get boring after a while? It seems that in choosing conflict and division one IS choosing to feed the fire of a war on consciousness... a war on conscientiousness. Multiply one person's bad day by a billion and put salt continuously on...

Something to think about...

JNET

POEM: The Road That Bends II

Pushing aside all excuses
Every judgement on the floor
What direction will you turn
To choose and call your door?

After charting all consideration
And mapping mountains of thought
Retracing paths of experience
What choice is above things taught?

rising above all reason
your mind constructs all things anew
choosing
to actually choose
the road that bends
is you


Copyright ©2006 J R Hollyday

I keep revising this work... Maybe I keep returning to it because I need to daily remind myself to bend... to choose.

L and I discussed this week "being chosen" over "choosing" and making distinctions of living powerfully. What is it like to be "chosen?"

I percieve there is an attachment to feeling special that gets generated by another's attentions.

And it is wonderful to be made to feel special but there is a lot to be discerned when things go under a phase when one feels "less chosen." The sentimental feelings lose its wind dependent on being sustained by some other effort than the self. Things may get misinterpreted as "something is wrong"...

Is that a way to live? What happens when a theme of "something is wrong" keeps playing out because of the way one has designed their life? Tell a child that they are too sickly and fragile enough, they may never grow to be otherwise... Look to the adult with years of self-deprecating programming and what will they create?

What does "choosing" offer?

It makes one make a stand, create a value. It makes one go through one's gambit of excuses and judgements and yet calls on to yet a step forward. It makes one relive past experience and yet make a goal for a future.

It makes one own their life.

I need to remind myself daily to be the road that bends... In the end, I realize that my life is the manifestation of choices along the way...

JNET

"How can there be any questioning of acquiring or possessing
when the one thing needful for a man is to become -
to be at last and to die in the fullness of his being."

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Drop the Student ... Keep the Student

I feel like I need to be scraped off the ceiling... or maybe I need just a very strong cocktail.

I just finished teaching my "challenge student"... the one that I keep saying I want to drop but his parents keep pleading that I have a bit more patience for their ultra - perfectionist (but really a sweet heart) of a kid.

I told the mom that I would love to coach her child but he has to learn how to listen and calm himself down for the moment he gets a note wrong he has a total meltdown. He becomes unteachable. I don't have a single student that self-deprecates like he does and is unwilling to accept mistakes. He is only 10 right now. I told the mom that if her son can't get a handle on controlling himself and always needs others to clean up for him, she is doing him no justice.

After teaching him, I am flattened. My friends commented that they feel depressed after hearing about my lesson. He's been high strung these past several weeks and I hate to begin my weekend freedom after a cadence of this child.

It happens... difficult people... difficult situations... I don't know how to reason and reach to the child and I know it is not personal... The mother was very sweet and apologetic as well as very embarrassed that I had to witness her child have one of his "moods."

So I didn't "fire" him as I planned but the parents really saw a display of behavior that was quite a piece of work. He is given permission to be unruly and irresponsible. So I fired his parents instead...

I told her that if her son really wants me to coach him; he'll have to make the appointments and call me himself to tell me his schedule. I don't know the stresses of his life and the only thing I can offer as a chance is that I'd like her son to take responsibility for owning his time with me. Will he call? I don't know. I don't think 10 years old is too young to begin learning to make a stand ...that if you value something that you actually make it happen and become the kind of person that can make things happen... You can't demand parents to make everything happen and then be irresponsible with privileges.

We shall see.....

JNET

Wishing Technique

I always make wishes. One day while seriously putting my intention over a wish, I inhaled deeply before blowing at the dandelion... and breathed in my flower. Yuck! I have since then improved my wishing techniques with dandelions.

Other good places to wish:

Fountains
Stars
Birthday candles

And I make wishes each time I play a glissando.

Today, feels like a good day to make wishes... I'm having a sunny day (the first sunny day of the year) and I feel a little deflated...

I struggled to lift my own spirits....

Do you remember the wishes you made when you were little? The world seemed so much bigger and magnificient then...

And you adored everyone as your bestfriend.

Sandbox fights got resolved fast... because the kids you had to play with were all you got... and when you didn't appreciate that thought, someone was there telling us to get over ourselves and shake hands.

Everything new in life was a new expansion, a new adventure story that would become a future's best memories.... the childhood stories you share today...

that rekindles a spark of life.

Where did that spark come from?

Where does that spark go when we are not aligned with it? Are we these drab skinbags that's seen it all justified to belittle the mystery around us?

When did everyone stop being bestfriends? And when did we stop shaking hands to make up so that we can get on the fun game again? Are we adventurers in lives we love and can't stand to be sent to bed lest the day should end?

Who's the real self? What is reality? Can we play with this?

Is it worth the self-absorption or perhaps self-destruction to stop being in ways that diminish life around us? Why drag a past that weighs us down with jadedness and not bring along the "other past"... the one where someone taught you about wishes and you made them religiously at every opportunity of passing fountain and night sky???? Where is that person that went to the sandbox everyday with a shovel determined to dig a tunnel to China?

Remember wanting to do everything and be everything? Maybe you wanted to be the first veternarian to be an astronut or rock star doctor

...vacuuming looked so cool to do and you would sometimes beg to crack the eggs into the batter and be able to do the dishes afterwards.

Where is that person and did you leave them behind?? Did you leave that invincible you in the past and yet kept the meanest junior high punk around to remind you that you are not special??

Where is that person whose wishes are going to come true and you have no doubt? Gone?

Maybe you should stop acting like a grown up...

And that is what I tell my friends and myself when a sunny day fails to inspire...

I remember my wishes. I only have two. And when I get that I am sad .. it is because I have stepped outside the space of what I dream of, I get back into who I really am and I fight the shadow self claiming my life back as my own.

I'm off to glissando a few wishes.

Here's something special a friend, H. sent me today... Maybe it is really what wishes are about connecting us to...Enjoy!


How do you make wishes?

On Leprechans and Love

A pancake breakfast brought together some inspired conversation yesterday. While it rained buckets and continues today, the warmest thoughts to be had are worked for. Resignation stands at the door waiting for a ready opportunity. Knock knock.

J arrived, a little bit on the sad side to share about her time in a slow going relationship that had met with a concrete wall while on a happy road of progress. She had said the "L" word that sometimes make people get all ruffled up (and I'm not talking "laundry" I mean the other horrible "L" word.) A moment of risk and bravery wasn't met with the enthusiasm she had hoped for. She said that he'll call her again and things will be "the same" and she'll continue being frustrated.

"Your direction is more important than your speed."

Richard L. Evans

I had a different perspective to share. I invited her to take on the possibility that maybe they are great and he likes spending time with her. He's beginning to hang out with her family and friends for family events which may be a big deal and something to not take for granted. The only problem I see is that the words trip things along and that perhaps she should find substitutes.

Isn't showing up a way to say "I love you?" If there is enough said in the gaps of the uncomfortable moments, then I think there is a conversation that cannot be ignored... if you are practicing being loving...

Of course, if there are NO redeeming qualities... I would say move on or diversify your portfolio. Don't worry too much and enjoy the conversation and see if it is worth listening to.

We disbanded from our pancake get together and I spent time with Beethoven and memorized half of "Big My Secret." I was about to sit down to write when A came from upstairs. She brought stuff to make for dinner and so we enjoyed dinner together over a conversation of leprechans.

Leprechans are those mystical fabled creatures that guard crocks of gold. Our "leprechans" for the evening were the "religious freaks" that run the country. A. had heard a story of a "religious freak" and I asked her if she personally knew a religious freak... She said no but that her friend had told her of the religious freak..

It was basically one of those weird stories of second hand information.. I know someone who knows someone who knows someone that knows someone that had a horrible exchange with a religious freak. Really? Wow... I think I know someone that knows someone that knows someone that saw the Lochness Monster...

Do you think the Lochness Monster and the religious freaks live together underground in the abandoned railways of New York with the Mole People????

I have yet to meet one of these "religious freaks" that everyone is so afraid of that they swear that they know of. One of the freakiest persons I've met was an atheist that told people he believed in God when it suited him and told Christians off that God was stupid when it suited him. When he is the sober, rational intellect that he likes to present himself as, he is most emphatically an atheist.

Maybe it's these fence sitters that are miscontrued to be the "religious freaks" of America. These folks who are so un-committed to any sort of opinion and have no conviction whatsoever. They might be the ones ruining it for everyone.. Maybe the freaks are an outcome of poverty and low education.. A and I speculated...

A. got some grief from her co-workers for putting one of those Christian fishes on her car. The girl likes fishes! And she happens to have enjoyed her spiritual upbringing that she didn't mind claiming an affiliation to God.. We both grew up in families that went to church and were NOT raised by religious freaks.

A. was called a "religious freak" by her co-worker and all she can think is...

"What's up? What is the big deal?"
"Well, you know... people who admit their faith with fishes and bumper stickers... are religious freaks... Don't you know anything? People are going to think that you are a religious freak because of your fish.."
"You have to be kidding."
"Just letting you know what people are going to think."

I told A that they day she lives worrying about everyone's thoughts when she has nothing to be ashamed of is a day she'll have to consider that she is living for other people... I go to church and am involved with different Christian communities and I can't say that there is a leprechan in our mist.

Is A. the "religious freak" that everyone is afraid of? That's crazy... She seems pretty normal to me... likes the beach, hiking, hip music, concerts and a good beer. Is she a religious freak?

Are people fighting and driving each other crazy because they swear that leprechans live across the way and yet no one stands still to have a conversation... KILL THE LEPRECHAN is the motto. It's madness... Co-workers saying the fish is something to be wearing of... is this freak.."running the goverment" "running the churches and schools" "making the laws" and "killing people?" This particular freak works in a production office helping bring us cool movies like the Matrix...

CAN IT BE POSSIBLE THAT WE ARE CAUGHT UP IN A STUPID SUPERSTITION????

And no one is really stopping the insanity by just really listening to one another. Is it our inability to relate to one another? If someone finds a leprechan out there, can someone attempt a conversation? Maybe you'll find out what and who they really are....

Someone who had crazy parents... someone who's gone through some trauma... someone who's experienced one reality with no one to bank ideas and conversation with... therefore enforcing that their worlds stay myopic.

Who cares... huh?

It's easier to blame the religious freaks and claim that it's their fault that the country is out of control. Maybe to be on the safe side, change lanes from the people with fishes, birds and jesus stickers on their car.

It's safer to have other types of opinions.

JNET

Happy New Year!

This little girl had a crazy evening of surreal proportions.

With a party slated for 9pm, preparations didn't begin until 6pm. A and I arrived home from the store and went straight into cleaning and food prep mode. The candles were being lit and lipstick applied by the time our first guest arrived.

The rest of the evening was to be marked by events of perfect timings.

Our little intimate party became a mini industry smooze-fest in the beginning. I finally understood the socializing frustrations that I had heard of until then. After quick introductions of the first course of people, the dance of sugarplum producers came to center stage. It was comic hearing that EVERYONE was a "producer" and overhearing the speed dating tactics of making "the connection."

D and I had a good laugh. I was glad to say that I did other things so not to get latched onto the speed dating game. I was looking at making friends and these folks looked like they were interested in making a kill.

That first group of people were an interesting bunch. I flirted with one boy who was too cute to not say so I told him. I didn't know what else to say to him anyway because I didn't know a thing about him just that he was pleasant to look at. Later, I learned that I was playing pretty eyes with a soap actor who was also the bad boy in Karate Kid II.

A second set of people came and mixed up the group a bit more and the party had a little more "normal" energy ... the speed dating of producers slowed down... We decided to move the party to Sapphire... a local hip hang and rang the new year from there...

I met a trio of "Italians" there and M. (A's friend) met a mother and daughter who were new in town. We decided to take them back to our place to resume the party and things became even more outrageously comical from there. The mother and daughter were an odd though sweet pair who had the feel of tourists.

I definitely felt an awe from them especially with the dynamics of the "italians" who soon lost their cover and were exposed Israeli boys out playing an interesting routine game of catch the girl. They tried kissing every single girl in the house except the mother... M saved me from my naivete and explained the tactics of roving packs of boy predators. There was some sophisticated hunting going on and I was happy to have a guardian angel. If M. hadn't invited the mother and daughter the "italians" would have met with very harsh words and the evening interlude would have ended with a standoff.

M. escorted the "italians" back to their cars after we have given them lots of water to drink and we found the rest of our party had taken a random limo drive. B. came back in time to run after the "italians" who had A's cell phone in their possession and M. my guardian angel decided to spend the next phase of new yearing together over after midnight snacking. We later renamed the "italians" as the "three stooges"... And decided that the evening could have been a disaster but had turned out to be a hilarious evening.

What a way to herald a new year in... WHEW!