POEM: Crossing the Bridge

poem: crossing the bridge

I can't stay here; standing alone in the dark
Patiently weathering the winds of indecision
When I know I will stay warm
By just walking on toward the light of my dreams.
I'm crossing the bridge.

Patiently I speak to the wind and don't expect to control the clouds.
And I hear the voice of Wisdom and feel a warmth coming from the Unknown compelling toward the light of my dreams.
I'm crossing the bridge.

Wisdom gives me comfort to laugh with the Unknown and
Feel the warmth of uncertainty
And the surprise that I am not alone as
I'm crossing the bridge.

JNET

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Copyright ©2010 J R Hollyday

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

no good deed goes unpunished

Everything happens for a reason. And though some things are really terrible; there are some truly wonderful things happening as well.

I'm very sad, I'm devastated, I'm disappointed, I'm shocked. On the other side, I am not saddled by another person's weakness, I'm am free and strong on my own. I am not being manipulated by compliments nor reaped by another's needy fears and my life is stable enough to write and reflect. And I am able to take stock of what is good and honest in my life without distraction

I'm feeling a mix of emotions and I feel restless... almost like I am anticipating something but I am not sure what to expect. It is an interesting place to sit where I juxtapose hope and hurt.

I'm a dopamine tornado inside.

Fortunately, I can't be swept by any of it. My leisure reading is "How We Decide" by author Johah Lehrer. He wrote another book titled "Proust Was A Neuroscientist."

I indulged my tears. Now its time to fortify and rebuild my broken kingdom after the looters have laughed and left. I've been made sport of in typical los angeles fashion.

I can only imagine the kind of misery that must fester in CS and her friends. I used to think well of CS. Its getting harder to think well of her "innocent" friends.

My friends have been very supportive and responsive saying that it is unfortunate but true that there are very bad people looking to taking advantage of the generous spirit of others. If you want to read on the psychology of how victims attack those that try to help them, I've found an article by Dr. Sanity on blogtalk radio very helpful and comforting.

Who am I to help someone think that there is still good on this planet? Some people are so twisted that they feel entitled to help and only on their terms. I'm not one to enable dysfunctional behavior. I'm a teacher and a teacher of the arts; my life work is to teach people to express themselves beautifully and honestly and with an authentic voice.

I am aware that people have their baggage; their worries; their stuff and have coached my students to work beyond that and create wonderful work. But my students pay for my coaching and I am respected for my work.

Helping a "friend" is another thing. I now know that I never had a friend if basic human decency is aborted when I tried to make a stand for myself and instead is shown ingratitude and malice. My help was not a gift to her but rather something she felt entitled to. She felt no need to keep my friendship when my help was no longer on her terms.

I contacted one person in her family that I thought might be able to help her from creating any further damage. I asked them - "Isn't betraying a friend in this dimension and breadth something to consider that all is not right with her world?"

I grew up valuing personal responsibility. It is empowering to own and win one's life over the daily trials. But knowing one person who would throw away personal responsibility, I've found a world of others connected to her that also throw away personal responsibility. The conversations have been discouraging and uninspiring. I am present to weakness.... so much brokenness.

How to act out of love and wisdom is difficult when you are faced with persons who act out of pretense or pathology. There are many who choose to live an unexamined life.

I suppose I need to keep a safe distance from people who feel that way as I rebuild jnetsworld.

JNET

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Being Strong Was Not Easy Today

being strong was not easy today

I could not find a way to console myself today. All the thoughts that I enjoyed in peace and solitude that seemed to hold me together scattered into different directions. Being strong was not easy today.

I sat with my disappointments over false friends. I chided myself for being too forgiving and wanting to believe that people do want to do good. I sat with the fact that my world had been breached by “nice people” who twisted friendship with smiles and flattery but were at a deficit. They needed a safe place to recoup as long as their needs and actions remain unquestioned.

I asked questions. I asked kindly. I said things like… I can afford to love you… but I cannot afford to pay for your life when I needed a friend/roommate to stop needing me to catch her. And I offered her to stay for free in my home… but that I needed to rent the room so that I can have order in my home. And what does my friend do?

She contacted all our mutual friends to vilify me and attempt to slander my reputation. She and her boyfriend evoked the name of God in self-righteous texts and then threatened to go through whatever legal process they could to make sure that I lose my apartment that I’ve been living in since I’ve moved to Los Angeles. She reminded me that it was illegal to sublet to a friend (the building manager knew as well as the property owners were aware). Nonetheless, I found her words unexpectedly mean, threatening and non-christian.

Why? She was a friend that I thought I was being helpful to. I knew she was going through trouble and then she was hit by a car while riding my bicycle. Thankfully, she was okay to walk away. She continued to want to build her life and I thought that was admirable. I loaned her my car to help her get to her doctors appointments. But money…. the rent… she needed subsidizing and I wasn’t in the position to take care of her and myself comfortably.

I asked questions. And the main one of when did she expect the settlements to pay her so that she can truly say her life is in the up and up…. didn’t get answered.

She didn’t want to pay, nor ever planned to, therefore, she scripted a random blow up on an unsuspecting Saturday afternoon, to make an exit.

So today, I sat with the feeling you get when someone you love is someone that never had much love or respect for you in the first place.. I sat with the feeling you get when someone you wanted to give a chance to make good on promises and thanks for your goodwill - instead chooses to insult you and threaten to harm and creates ways to undermine you. I sat with the sadness that comes at seeing that there are betrayals because some people have a history of cutting people off because they aren’t creative enough to be honest or kind and cruelty and apathy is easier for them.

I sat with a sadness that weighed so much that I couldn’t breathe when I gave it a voice and confided my disappointment to a friend.

It was the first time I allowed myself to cry over it since it happened in April. I will not cry over it again. It is midsummer and my “friend” has not returned or made any attempt to reconcile what she has done.

This is the first time I’ve made any mention toward details. I suppose I was hopeful that she would come up with a really cool way to say that she had been un cool and make up for her transgressions. Thank me for protecting her secrets and troubles and saw that I only mentioned something when her life was actually harming me.

How absolutely nonsense of me to think. Huh? I like making room for miracles. As for this last and lost friendship… I am no longer inspired.

I cried for the first time today over it. And now….I’m done.

JNET

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