jnetsworld turns 8 and 9

"We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden."

 Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 

A friend once told me that if she had a dozen essays on her desk, she would know which one was mine.  It was the best compliment I could ever hope for from a writer and friend that I respected.  I've received many encouragements to continue writing.  And its in re-reading those encouragements that bring this quiet soul back to writing.

Lest my soul harden.

So here I am to declare that you can return to something you love even though you feel like you are sputtering through a season or two or three or four trying to remember your voice.  Here I am even though two birthdays went un-noted ---- jnetsworld turned 8 and then 9.   Life has been profoundly heart breaking and heart building these past couple of years.  

I've cleared out house, sat in the silent space, had friends visit bearing gifts and pails of paint. Thank you for your voice.  It's what brings me back.

JNET

Favorite hellos:

My favorite hellos throughout the years.

UMA:  "A blog with a soul!!!!!!!!"

DOCTORMATE:  "Presence ...A superb diarist resides here ... jnet writes with calming power and silken insight ..."

DAWNBLUE:  "Beautiful artwork along with beautiful words as to what the importance is to this person. I spent time stumbling Jnet and found myself lost in her world of music and art and could spend an eternity." 

IFIKNEWBETTER:  "i enjoyed her blog... lots of neat quotes... wonderful lasting images... lasting thoughts... a rainbow of ideas... "Beauty, the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband." "Don't go through life, grow through life."

QUHQUH:  "JNET is an explorer on the frontiers of her self and her trail is worth sharing. Thanks, JNET." 

COOLBUS:  "this is my second review of a stumbler that has a beautiful blog. it's full of excellent writing and more. her writings always tickle my mind. visit here. spend time, and come away the better for it. 200 thumbs up for this neato person!"

SWEETMELISSA2005:  "JNET's way with words.., WOW. If she is not a writer or does not plan to become a writer, well then too bad for us because she does it so eloquently. I am truly in awe." 

PAULFRANK:  "I think I am in love."

DESTINYSFATE:  "Different in each & every way possible yet so much in which she shares....I'm in awe of how I can honestly concur & relate to the 100th degree. Unique virtual boutique of expressions and suggestions"

JAMES:  "Jnet, I love the way you write…such beauty."

LITBITOFSONSHINE:  "I loved her creative writing on her stumbleupon and her wordpress.   She rocks and rolls and has such a open and sharing and caring understanding soul; one I even marked to read again as I will also visit her pages.  Its nice to learn about families from her point of view as well as so many other mind expanding things - just wowzers."

DAVE:  "I loved your “loving like an athlete.”  Keep up your good writing…."

ALAN:  "You inspired me to change my blogs look as well, alas, my change was not as stunningly successful as yours. This is to be expected though, since your talent shines through everything you do here.  My compliments!"

DESTINY:  "Love your world and thanks to you, I can now define myself in all the diversity and unique(ness) that I possess as a person…as a woman. Just saying Hello and wanted to share that..nothing more.  I enjoy the substance of your blogs."

METALT:  "Very impressive blog about life and I might add - balanced life. jnetsworld is a place I want to visit often and I deeply appreciate her for sharing with us."

RICHARD:  "My beautiful and talented friend.  Again, I must tell you how well you write, but of much more importance than that, how very proud I am to “know” someone like you. You have such fine judgment, your values are impeccable and you seem dedicated to your art. As you know, choosing a life of creativity is not without its pitfalls. However, you do not need my advice and will find your way.  You know I wish you well, Richard."

noteworth: the family room

Their piano room is not unlike the one I enjoyed growing up in; a sunny room where board games and books had a home.  It is a room of comfy couches and framed family photos. It is where people gather to talk, play tournaments of Scrabble, watch television, play video games and of course listen and play music. Their piano room feels like home to me; full of life and memories.

I can tell within 5 minutes, if a practice environment is uninspiring.   If no one including the family cat or dog doesn't know of a spot to relax near the piano, chances are naming that particular spot the music room will not be a winning match.  If only dust bunnies feel welcome  in the room while everyone else socializes in another room, chances are anyone wanting to practice will feel as lonely as a book forgotten in a corner.

For a young learner, will it not be against their best interest to have the piano in an active space? Shouldn't the piano be in a more formal and quiet space away from the distraction of family life?

I've taught in a home where a beautiful Steinway graced a formal gathering part of the home.  It was austere with not a dust bunny in sight. A beautiful place to have a family concert. Still, it was not an easy place for little boys to naturally bring themselves. They were the youngest boys of a large family. The tumbling and full of energy sort. They literally came into their piano lesson each week through the back garden,  breathless from playing outside.  They were fine and full of cheer during our piano time together but I am not quite sure they entered the room in the same spirit when I wasn't there.

I never had a quiet formal room to practice.

I may have had a small keyboard that I played in my room but it never got the kind of love that I had for the piano.  I didn't mind.   The piano rooms at school lent some solitude but not quiet.   The reality of life was that absolute quiet and privacy was a treat and not the norm.

My brothers and I survived having a piano, television AND family computer in the same room.  Sometimes my piano competed against video game music.  Most of the time my brothers and I exercised some form of social diplomacy.  Mom always requested that I play.

A piano isn't LOUD LOUD.  Conversations and television programs can still continue and share sound space.  I know playing didn't always refrain someone from wanting to start a conversation.  That's how comfortable the space was.

I managed.

Conquering distraction is a daily exercise and perhaps easier for a young person to consider than feelings of isolation or missing out feelings.  Put them in a room where they are out of earshot of all family activity; it may feel too much like their punitive time outs.

A place to relax, to think and to share...and feel very much at home.

K:  "I just need a little table next to my piano so I can have a snack and glass of water nearby.  That would be perfect."

JNET:  "That would be.  You don't want to put food or a drink on a piano.  It would be very sad to have a spill."

I like hearing how my students set up camp to practice.

JNET

ss: coach firefly

R opened a brand new world of sports to me.   I never paid attention before, not knowing when playoffs were going on let alone knowing when Superbowl weekend was.

Sitting down to sports was my punishment when I was little; a several hours of timeout time whenever I did something naughty.

I grew up keeping a busy distance from all things sports that it is ironic that I am dating someone that is very very fond of sports. R's fondness for sports had me unsure during the beginning of our relationship.  Watching sports was punishment to me, not a happy bonding time.  I had a head full of “what ifs” that my girlfriends helped me de-clutter so I may have perspective.

Football season was in the horizon as well as plans to take a break from dance classes.

JNET:  ”What if sports is more important than me?  What if his fondness for sports trumps taking part in family events?  Will he ignore conversations and get swallowed up in innings and quarters?  I remember spending hours with my dad to watch a game but I can’t remember ever talking.”

N:  ”JNET, there are other vices.  R is good to you.  I wouldn’t worry.”

Still I had other what-if’s…

What if sports becomes this terrible reason to not relate to each other and he wishes he had a girlfriend that wouldn’t get the teams’ names confused and who knows how to throw the perfect Superbowl party? What if sports opens up a monster in him and the sweet man I know turns into an angry, violent man that screams at the television or at me?

These are the thoughts that weighed upon my mind last year.  And yes, I realize that I make up funny stuff to lose sleep over.

We made it through football season, I’m following the basketball playoffs and I even know that baseball season is still at its beginning.  I’ve even earned coolness status points with my piano students that take part and have a love for sports. Random trivia for you – Did you know that Kobe Bryant knows how to play Beethoven and that Jeremy Lin practices the piano regularly?????

R made sports time fun even if it was just a party of us two.   Our abs exercise regime went on off-season though.  OMG….CARBS!!!  We celebrated with pizza and fried chicken and relaxed.  We took a break from dance practices but we attended church each week.    We never missed a day at church due to a game.  Sometimes we cuddled in the couch, sometimes I disappeared to do my own thing and sometimes i played the piano while he watched (setting the television volume very low).  And always, he would pat the couch and invite me to return.

I didn’t turn into SPORTS WIDOW!

We attended a few games this past year, enjoying a couple of Dodger Stadium dates and my first ever basketball game.   To get me ready for our sports dates, Roland would surprise me with a cute tee to wear for the special night out.  The fun memories make for a good list:  learning about different leagues; American versus National, learning the rules of the games, packing picnics, cute tees, a pullover and hello kitty night at Dodger Stadium.

We’ve also been enjoying movies and documentaries on sports figures.  So many inspiring lives; athletes that press themselves past great odds, coaches that inspire greatness.

Coach Firefly taught me a lot this year and made it fun.  I never felt ignored or forgotten.    He did yell at the television a couple of times though.  But I never for a moment felt less than loved.

jnet

muscle memory

"If you can't fly, then run, if you can't run then walk,

if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do 

you have to keep moving forward."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

There are at least half a dozen ways to crawl.

My pace at writing is slower than other seasons and it frustrates me.   I find myself getting lost in measures of silence; a habit that I would like to break.  I'm fine when I dance and when I teach my students; doing activities where I have great confidence.

But writing and being succinctly expressive in finding choice words and even carrying on an eloquent conversation has me feeling wobbly.   What was my affirmation again?  I have it written on a mirror that I keep in my patio garden.

"I am the possibility of unstoppable love, courage, self-expression and transformation."

Though silence has been my gold these past couple of years; it has atrophied aspects of me.  I suppose it would be easy to simply fade away and get absorbed by the noise of life.  But I have a voice; a signature that wants to defy invisibility.  And so I crawl, sometimes flopping around on my belly, sometimes on one leg while I drag my body...only wishing to move forward despite my awkwardness.

I've committed to pod-casting, hosting a half-hour show with my friend D, each week. We've had our share of technical blunders and bloopers managing to laugh  our way past them.  Despite slips and awkward moments, D says she looks forward to our weekly podcast conversation.  She encourages me.   I'm notorious for not lasting two minutes on a phone conversation without feeling annoyed.  Lasting thirty minutes in good cheer has been a weekly miracle.

Hosting a podcast in the morning while still in my pajamas is a world different from standing in front of a room of real people...  Oh yeah.... I've also returned to toastmasters this year but in a dipping my toe in the pool sort of way; visiting a new club every week or so.

I recently enjoyed a fleeting moment of words and ideas leaving my mouth in good order.  People got on their feet and applauded at a recent visit while doing an impromptu speech at the podium.    I was scared and was shaking but no one seemed to notice.  It felt good to know I moved my audience.  Someone admitted that they started taking notes.  And my boyfriend was very proud.   I guess I actually "stood up" for the moment.

I feel like I'm still crawling but my "legs" are feeling stronger.   I hope to not feel as stiff in my movements or choice of words in expressing myself as time goes by.  Perhaps it is all muscle memory....to be freely self-expressive and eloquent takes practice.

Here's to practicing.

JNET

lessons from the wilderness

What is this proverbial desert that we place ourselves for reflection during a time of sacrifice and discipline?

From the pulpit, it was mentioned that most people have never really visited a desert unless it was for a round of golf or some packaged outdoor adventure. What then is 40 days of being challenged by our vulnerabilities and meeting them headstrong?

I've met the desert for a round of golf in Palm Springs. I've met the desert in various local garden estates. And I've spent one memorable evening where I've literally slept in the middle of the desert. It's still a mere blink to the amount of time Jesus spent to contemplate and confront what is weakness and what is strength. 

But I can tell you that the desert is not a gentle place. I thought my friend was absolutely mad to play a round of golf at PGA West on a summer afternoon under a blazing sky with temperatures over 100. And this past weekend walking through the beautiful desert garden at the Huntington estate, I realized the pricklies looked lethal....definitely avoid cacti should you be pursued by zombies.

The proverbial desert was not far once I recalled my fleeting experiences. And with vivid memories of awe mixed with remembering the discomforts of being pushed against boundary, I recalled the fragility of being human and the challenge to stay "chill" as each passing hour either got extremely hot or extremely cold.

So what is Lent to me while I sit in the comfort of my apartment sheltered from the rain outside? Perhaps it is to find a silence where I may reflect on the terrain of my life and see what feeling vulnerable is like.    What will come up should I challenge certain constructs and appetites?

We are creatures of habit; always hunting and gathering.  But we are not meant to hold on to everything too tightly. We are designed to survive lean times... really lean times. We are designed to endure and still embrace serenity. We are designed to be creative during challenging times. And yet how many of us collect or hoard things? How many of us have a scarcity mentality that eat away our faith and hope?

This Lent season, I encourage you to consider your wilderness, your sacrifices that you choose on purpose to create a conversation with discipline and understanding that perhaps there is a border where discomfort happens and you can see your fragile humanity and strengthen your spirit and faith.

Don't forget... as much as the desert wildnerness may be challenging... it is also breathtaking.

jnet

iJNET

I need to love my self as much as I love my computer.

Should my computer have a hiccup or crash of some sort, it gets taken care of immediately.  IMMEDIATELY.  New battery?  New cord?  Some love from a tech geek to wake it up?

I will run the anti-virus, clean the disk, and defrag to counter the teeny-est and tiny-est sniffle… dedicating time I wouldn’t spare so easily elsewhere, determined and hopeful for happy results, searching through clouds and files saved on external hard drives.

I even feel a little annoyed that a case may need a stylish update.

Eh.

The case works really well and keeps my treasured possession safe.

I know I’m not the only one loving their modern communication tools.   Pushing that RESET button when all else fails and  feeling thrilled when it merely wakes up.  Resolving that notifications or not, the light is ON and everything from there is FIXABLE.

With the new year I’m considering my self as iJNET and invite you to meditate on getting all geeky lovey dovey over yourself.  Defrag, clean out corrupted files, and update your apps.

If we are soooo forgiving to these objects that crash on us, lose valuables, and give us all sorts of interesting emotions, then we can also forgive ourselves as we live life with its crashes, losses and  roller coaster rides of emotions.

Something to consider….

iJNET

noteworth: lessons from pianissimo

It never made sense for me to be the screaming teacher that must always keep students edgy and learning from a space of fear and agitation.

I take a different approach.  I use a quieter voice and sometimes so quiet are my statements that my students start talking to themselves and become their own guiding voice.  Dolce.  Legato.

I'm not always as quiet though, I modulate my interaction and like the music they are working on, will have moments or measures taken on with statements that ascend and meet a crescendo.  While my student is playing, they become like an instrument to me.    Allegretto ma non troppo.

It's a very mindful thing to do, having a conversation while someone is also creating music.  I can aid them in being the voice that guides them as they get through difficult passages and choose yet to raise my voice when I sense there is slack in the moment.  Agitato.

STUDENT:  "Why don't you just tell me to stop every time I make a mistake."

JNET:  "I want to give you a chance to recognize it first and correct it."

So why not yell?  Get REALLY intense as some other teachers, coaches, and drill sergeants do?  You know those teachers; the ones who have tension in their body and aren't exactly students of the positive reinforcement method.

Where would the students' most powerful learning happen then? When someone is always burning a fire under their feet, yelling, driving an emotional rollercoaster..... Do I want to teach young people to fear mistakes, relate that answers come after a certain amount of berating.... from someone ....or their own inner mean voice?

We learn things powerfully in our silence and solitude.  Lessons become solid in the private conversations we have with our spirit of discovery.  Realization and revelation doesn't not have to be a painful place to arrive to.

The piano lesson...is the practice towards creating that discovering ear and stretching that imaginative mind to find that honest place of self-expression where one feels solid and real where they sit and play.

STUDENT:  "Wait don't say anything... How I meant to play it is this way...."

Its always moves me to hear, truly hear, my student through their playing.  I can hear what their favorite section is and in their hesitations know where they need a clearer understanding and connection.  I can even hear when they are hungry and tired.

We recognize all these different moments during the lesson for they do not fall on deaf ears. And my hope is that they not only learn how to listen to music and notes.... but also how to listen to life.

How's your listening?

JNET

noteworth: he called me coach

C played for the school football team AND he studied the piano. And I loved that he called me "coach."

Just a few weeks before our scheduled recital, C's mother came into my teaching studio, C trailing a bit behind her.

MOM: "Miss JNET, the recital is coming up and I don't know about this piece that C is working on...."

JNET: "The piece?"

MOM: "It's not an easy piece. C has been working on it and I don't think it will be ready by the recital. Perhaps he can play one of his former songs?"

JNET: "Why don't we ask C?" (turning to C) "C, your mother is concerned that we may have taken on a piece that is too demanding for you. Do you want to do this piece?"

C: (nodding his head) "Yes."

JNET: "Wouldn't you rather we polish a piece that we have already worked on?"

C: "No. I want to do this one."

JNET: "Can you be prepared by recital time?"

C: (nodding) "Yes, Coach."

JNET: (turning to MOM) "I believe him. Let's get to playing and working on the piece then."

This wasn't to be the only time a parent would approach me concerned that their child may not be ready for a performance. And each time, I did the same thing that I did with C; I looked at my student squarely in the eye and asked if they believed in themselves to be able to do what was hoped for.

Its a very powerful thing to see a young person own their choices with conviction especially since many young people may feel compelled to please their parents and choose to do what pleases their parents. Parents may also feel that they need to protect their child from not have a good performance experience. But when a young person wants to stand on their own word and belief to do something well despite anyone's opinion. Well, that's when you honor the young adult and trust them.

How did he do at the recital, you wonder?

He did very well. He was poised and most importantly, he also had fun. His parents and I were very moved and proud.

Things could have gone a whole other direction. I could have chosen to be intimidated by the parents' worries and not even ask C what he felt. I may had taken away the chance for him to do a challenging piece that he believed he could do though both of us had not seen it played with ease at his lessons until then.

Do we sometimes give more playtime to fear and insecurity than to possibility? Do we sometimes aid in the destruction of bridges to possibility or are we part of the bridge?

He called me coach. He knew we were on the same team. He believed in himself and he knew that he could reach his goal if I believed in him too.

Be a coach. Your belief is part of the bridge.

JNET

floating lessons

Do we live in less idyllic times or are we creating life to be less than idyllic?

Every day before coming home from work, my mom called home to check up on her children.  Were her ducks all in a row, safe and sound?

A couple of times, I had to tell her that no, I was not fine and that I was having a crummy day.  The boy I was crushing on was maybe not as nice as I had hoped or my girl bestfriend was not quite being her bestest at being a friend.

And mom would come home armed with balloons and candy.  I would have my cry and mom would listen.   She didn’t have a lengthy motivational speech and never a guilt speech to knock me outside of my misery.  She simply listened in a way that made me understand that I had to get myself through it and that she was there.  I rarely ate the candy.  Some of the lollipops were too pretty to eat.   I don’t really have a sweet tooth anyway.  I think I have a sweet eye instead.  I like to look at pretty things to cheer me up.

My childhood was filled with A LOT of balloons.

By the time I was ready for college, those balloons were an invisible influence.  Hurdle and hiccups of life were relatively surmountable and I think I intimidated the boys more than they intimidated me.  I floated and care packages from mom were the new balloons armoring me for city life 3000 miles away from family.  A boyfriend once noted that I lived in such a way that my feet don’t seem to touch the ground.  I’m only understanding what he meant now as I write of my mom’s balloon bouquets.

Life is different now.  There are bigger heartbreaks to recover from in a grown up world.  But my mom is still there.  She is my balloon.  The bouquet… my family and friends.

Do we live in less idyllic times or are we creating life to be less idyllic?

Be someone’s balloon.

JNET

noteworth: her way of never forgetting love

Some people have a way of endearing themselves into your life whether you’ve  spent a season with them or a mere afternoon.

M: “I haven’t had a piano lesson in a long while.”

JNET: “Never too late to begin again. Glad to have you. How long ago was your last piano lesson?”

M: “Eighty years.”

Eighty years!

M was only eight years old when her piano lessons were abruptly ended; her father had to sell the family piano.  It was the Depression and everyone had fallen onto hard times.  Valuables had to be let go.   I can only imagine how difficult that must’ve been for a young person to live though.  Carefree childhood of curiosity and play overshadowed by hardship.

M never forgot that she loved the piano and later in life, she and her husband bought a piano for their home in hopes that their own children may someday play.   She bought sheet music and sometimes entertained a moment to plunk out the melody but never sought a teacher for herself to continue her studies.  I’m not sure why she hadn’t continued her piano studies earlier.  Perhaps she thought it was an extravagance that she was waiting to lavish on children.

But children were not meant for the two of them.

Life was busy and full even though M never had any children of her own.  This woman had more life than a local ladies’ tea group.  She was close to her nieces and nephews and had many friends.  She had a busy social schedule and traveled.  But Life had finally slowed down a bit.  Her husband, best friend and adventure partner had passed away.

M: “These are mine and my husband’s favorite songs that we would dance to. I want to read the notes so that I may play them and remember him.”

And that is how an eighty eight year old woman came to begin her piano lessons with me.  I thought it was utterly romantic and I was moved.  This wasn’t a woman that was going to be weighed down by sorrow in remembering her love.

The eight year old child in her shined during those lessons.   The Depression had never quite fully darkened her childhood.  Teaching her cheered me up even though I was going through my own feelings of uncertainty in being new in the city.  She was eighty eight and she was delightful; playful, goofy and determined to learn.  Yet, she was very much a wise, old soul for her eyes would mist when a part of the melody connected her to a sentimental memory of her husband.  We shared a few moments of silent understanding before she would smile again and speak.  And when she spoke, sunshine would beam from her.  She was a negativity slayer, a rugged angel of high order.

I think of her every Christmas for I still have a few past holidays cards with a note saying she missed me and hoped to resume lessons again.  Her friends were becoming more frequently ill and she wanted to be with them.   We have not yet resumed.  Life became full and busy for me that I hadn’t realized that more time passed between us than I would’ve liked.

Perhaps I will find her this year.

I hope she did continue playing her piano without me.  Playing as a way to never forget love.

JNET